Wankers of the Week: Crappy Canada Day!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy Canada Day tomorrow! Well, how about this week-that-was? Waldo was found, hiding behind some dude’s nipple…but Rob Fucking Ford was a no-show for Pride Week. AGAIN. Thankfully, there was still no shortage of other wankers to be had around the world. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Jan Fucking Mickelsen. Yes, some obscure right-wing shock jock of the morning zoo ilk just suggested that uppity, unpatriarchal nuns be pistol-whipped. Nuns, people. Pistol-whipped. Do I need to suggest who needs it more? Right before he sinks back into unemployed nobodyhood, of course?

2. And while we’re on that link, Tom Fucking Latham needs it too, for laughing at that unfunny “joke”. What an ass.

3. Dana Fucking Perino. So, non-whites “have all the advantages” at universities? I’m sorry, I can’t stop laughing. Coming from a stereotypically stupid, whiter-than-white blonde who got to being Dubya’s press flack through no concrete achievements other than looks, it’s just too much. Thanks, Dana, for reminding us all just how irony- and self-awareness-impaired all you BushCo hacks are…and why nobody fucking misses you now that there’s an oh-so-advantaged black guy in the White House.

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4. Nikki Fucking Haley. Let’s just call her The Cancer That Ate South Carolina, because that’s precisely what her gubernatorial legacy will be. Denying girls an effective vaccine against cervical cancer, just because you imagine it will turn them into sluts? How can it be immoral to have protection against a single STD? Newsflash, Nikki, you ignorant fucking twit: They’re already having sex without a lick of protection against the consequences, as a direct result of all this “abstinence” bullshit. How be you abstain from Teh Stoopid, and start using your power to save girls’ lives already?

5. Sarah Fucking Palin. She’s doubled down on her “death panel” dumbth. Well, she is nothing if not consistent…consistently an idiot. Hey Quitbull, how about quitting this now that your side has — ha, ha — LOST? PS: Oh, fucking HELL.

6. Aaron Fucking Sorkin. Apparently he’s got a new show out. Are you gonna watch it? I’m not. Maybe it would help if he could, in his own words, “write something nice”. And oh yeah: Something not repetitive would also be nice.

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7. Patricia Fucking Weber. World’s worst science fiction writer, or just La Jolla’s dumbest old “get off my lawn” bigot? Discuss.

8. Rand Fucking Paul. A stealth-personhoodlum? How very, VERY libertarian!

9. Roderick Fucking Clanton. Having sex with an underage partner is never a good idea (no, not even if SHE thinks it is!). Doing it in a courthouse loo, however, takes pederastic boneheadedness to a whole new rarefied level of fucktardery.

10. Bryan Fucking Fischer. What would Jesus do, if he were this guy? Refuse to heal the sick, refuse to feed the poor, hate on the queers, and probably get rewarded for it by the fucking Romans. Ask a silly question…

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11. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yes, mirabile dictu, he’s still on the air, still not utterly devoid of sponsors (yet!), still bloviating, and still not dead of a burst artery in the brain. This week, it’s a cocktail of islamophobia, misogyny, and slobbering hatred for all things Clinton. Tune in next week, when the Pigman finally succumbs to a cocktail of Viagra- and OxyContin-fueled hatesturbation in a secret room filled with Hillary-porn. You just know it’s gonna happen sometime!

12. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. He’s a chronic quid pro quo sexual harasser, a drunken cheater, and he calls women bitches. He’s also yet another do-nothing SupposiTory senate-packing appointee. He has a gigantic fucking ego that has stretched the hell out of his thin skin. Suddenly, I’m REALLY happy that Justin Trudeau whupped his ass at that charity boxing match. PS: Well, looky here. That thin skin just got a whole lot thinner! Popcorn, anyone?

13. And speaking of people who deserve to have their asses whupped by a worthier opponent: Chuck Fucking Norris, people. Utterly outclassed in every way by the late Bruce Lee.

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14. Frederick Fucking Henry. One more reason to strip all Catholic schools in Canada of public funding: They (and the old, ostensibly celibate farts who run them) won’t stay up to date on health matters. And they’re NOT pro-life when it comes to protecting girls from cervical cancer and the viruses that cause it. When it comes to STDs, they are pro-death as can be!

15. Reginald Fucking Ferdinand Fucking McGhee. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s what he had coming…first, for stupidly trying to beat up two transwomen, and then for even more stupidly running crying to the cops about those evil gender-bending wenches who got all uppity and fought back. He got busted, instead of them. Serves him doubly right, no?

16. Grant Fucking Langston. Looks like the Senior Director of Sexist Asininity at Homophobic Heternormative eHarmony got his pompous ass handed to him but good. His “Men’s Ten Biggest Complaints About Women” could all really be boiled down to one, when you get right down to it: That Fucking Bitch Dumped Me! And really, when a guy’s as big of a patronizing bore as he is, can you blame her? PS: Dude, Point #10 is straight out of The Onion. The ONION, dude. Don’t you feel silly now?

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17. Glenn Fucking Beck. For once, John Roberts didn’t side with the right-wing pricks on a SCOTUS ruling. And Biff has decided to hold his breath and turn blue about it. Typical con-tard sore-loserdom, in other words.

18. Michele Fucking Spinelli. Now hear this, lady: WHAT OTHER WOMEN DO WITH THEIR BODIES IS NO FUCKING CONCERN OF YOURS. And you can just be thankful that the rape survivor whom you denied the Morning-After Pill didn’t get pregnant, because if she did, her abortion — or wrongful birth — would be on YOUR head.

19. Gilles Fucking Simon. He thinks he should be paid more than Maria Sharapova or the Williams sisters, just because he’s dangling two little deedlee-balls between his legs? Con de merde, I sneer at the audacity. Perhaps we should arrange for him to play one of those ladies head-to-head, and enjoy watching him get duly clobbered, à la Billie Jean King vs. Bobby Fucking Riggs.

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And finally, to all the fucking idiot conservatives in the US who are threatening to move up here because ObamaCare is “too socialist” for your stupid conservative capitalist asses. Newsflash: We have socialized medicine up here. PAID FOR BY TAXES. You wanna move up here? You gotta pay, bitches. That’s socialism! I guess you forgot what your own Oliver Wendell Holmes said: “I enjoy paying taxes. With them, I buy civilization.” BTW, I hope all your citizenship applications get rejected, because we don’t want you. We have too many fucking conservative dumbasses already. And they’re trying to take our country down the same hellish road as yours has already gone, unsuccessfully, for way too damn long. Give us your leftists and draft-dodgers instead. They’re smart. They have a social conscience. They care about people besides themselves. They don’t mind paying taxes for public services. We like them. They’re good people. You’re not.

Good night, and get fucked!

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