Wankers of the Week: Crappy Father’s Day!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And to all the dads out there, crappy Father’s Day. Well, wasn’t this the crap-daddy of all weeks for you, too? It was for me. I lost this entire list somewhere between Wednesday and Thursday, so now I’ve had to start over from scratch. Meaning, it’s gonna be nasty, brutish…and, unfortunately, SHORT. So, here come the wanks, in no particular order…

1. Barry James Fucking Hickey. Old men who are presumably celibate have no business telling the young and sexually active what to do. I’ve said it before, but it always bears repeating. And when more than 90% of all sexually active Catholics are using birth control, it doesn’t do to rail at them and tell them they’re “not respecting the truth”. There is nothing “tragic” about limiting one’s childbearing to where, when and how often one really wants to do it. The truth is, there are 7 billion people on this Earth. That’s far too many. And reproducing willy-nilly out of a mistaken belief that “God wants it that way” is just plain irresponsible. As is any old presumably celibate man telling Catholics to stop using birth control. The only one who doesn’t respect the truth is the one who keeps blindly insisting that God will provide when it’s manifestly clear that God doesn’t work that way.

2. John Fucking McGuinness. I wonder what #1 would say to #2, who chose to punish his girlfriend for the sin of receiving a text message from another man…by soaking her horrendously expensive jeans in wasabi and hitting her in the face with them. I have a hunch he’d approve, and tell her to stop being such a provocative fucking jezebel.

3. Victoria Fucking Hearst. The only thing worse than a person who got rich without working for it…is one who got religion without thinking anything through. Such is the case for Patty Hearst’s younger sister, who is a born-again lackwit. She grew up reading Cosmopolitan, just as I did. And for all the sex and sex info in there, she didn’t go out having random sex with random dicks; same here. But when she got religion, she forgot all that, and now she wants Cosmo (which, in its present iteration, is VERY watered-down from when Helen Gurley Brown ran the show in the good old days) to be sold in a concealing wrapper. As though that would make teens any less likely to reach for it. Especially in these days of abstinence-only disaster, when kids are desperate for any kind of information, even if it’s presented in a coy and/or ridiculous manner. An analogous argument, I’m guessing, is that any teenager reading Camus will suddenly go out and kill Arabs just for the hell of it. BTW, I read L’étranger in the original French as part of an actual classroom assignment, and I turned out okay, too. Haven’t killed a single Arab yet, and don’t expect I ever will. But then again, I’m a Pagan. And I have no intention of getting any other religion.

4. Ezra Fucking Levant. Considering how often I’ve had hypocritical right-wing fucktards railing at me for my use of bad fuckin’ language (right before they turned around and called me a cunt, with the added wish that I’d soon be violently sodomized), I find it more than a little ironic how few of them are scolding Ezzy the Mother-Fucking Putz for his use of the same. Maybe because he said it in Spanish, to someone who thinks his hypocritical “Ethical Oil” schtick is just a bunch of mierda? Or maybe just because right-wingers are, without exception, all fucking hypocrites who are so full of shit that it’s a wonder they can walk?

5. Vic Fucking Toews. Time for Icky Vic to step down as public-safety minister. It’s clear that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about gunshot victims, any more than he did for the missing women of Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside, when he told the RCMP to “back off and tone down” their apology to the families of the missing women. There really are not enough ugly words in the dictionary to adequately express my distaste for the Adulterer, who is clearly one sick, callous old fuck. And who is, at best, criminally incompetent when it comes to protecting the public safety of Canadians.

6. Van Fucking Butler Fucking Perry. Why the double Fucking? Because he’s doubly stupid. And because I hold in double contempt anyone who beats a woman for being free with her language. And also because he inspired the fucktarded fucking fuckheads of Fucking Freeperville to double down on THEIR collective dumbth. Like they really needed to be any more fucking stupid.

7. Michelle Fucking Malkin. As usual, totally fucking unhinged. Somebody please confiscate her meth stash, and lock her up in a rubber room. She’s about to splatter on the ceiling.

8. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Once again, the creepy old closet case rears his frothy head, and once again he spews outdated studies proving nothing at all. Can we lock him up too, please, so he stops masturbating on the air? Thanks awfully.

9. Mitt Fucking Romney. I had a nightmare about Mittens this past week, in which I met him in person and found him to be not so much robotic and out of touch as just plain mean, nasty and frankly terrifying. It was like being back in school and facing the bullies all over again; I’m sure the late John Lauber knew that feeling all too well. I woke up with residual fear and loathing of Willard the Cop Impersonator still swirling around my head. Looks like someone else had the same nightmare, only she had it for real. Oy fucking vey!

10. and 11. Buddy Fucking Valastro and Anthony Fucking Bellefemine. Both should be heartily ashamed of themselves for making a transgender woman into a punchline and an “it” respectively. As the victim of their unfunny prank says, people like her are being killed every day because of attitudes like these. This sort of thing is only a “joke” when you’re not on the receiving end of the punches. And even then, it’s not fucking funny.

12. Ihor Fucking Stetkewycz. Clean up your fucking mess and do as the lady tells you, you sexist fucking pig. And keep your dick in your pants. And shave off that ugly fucking goatee. Stop whining about your mother, nobody wants to hear it. And while you’re at it, iron my silk blouse and make me a fucking sandwich!

13. Jim Fucking Stamas. So, the medically correct term for one of our female parts can’t be said in the Michigan House of Representatives anymore because it offends the delicate sensibilities of the poor widdle Repugnican speaker? Well, I have just one thing to say to that: VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAA!!!

14. Brian Fucking Storseth. Smooth move, Ex-Lax, you just made the fucking neo-Nazis very happy with your big dumb hate-on for human rights and your idiotic notions of what constitutes freedom of speech. Bill C-304 is a total fucking miscarriage. And the irony of it is, it empowers the very people who would be the first to take ALL our freedoms away if they ever got into office…oh wait, the Nazis are already there. Only they call themselves CONSERVATIVES!

15. Steve Fucking Doocy. You fuckin’ idiot, now look what you’ve gone and done. You’ve made Wretched Gretchen Fucking Carlson accidentally discover FEMINISM! And when she learns that it really was cooked up by a bunch of Marxists for the benefit of all humankind, it’s not only gonna wreck the entire FUX Snooze paradigm, it is gonna open a motherfucking black hole in the Space-Time Continuum!

16. Huben Fucking Hubenov. Words mean things, and so do pictures (unless we’re talking abstract expressionism, in which case it’s often not even a picture, it’s just weird shit with an unconscionable price tag). And divorcing fashion photos of models made up to look horrendously beaten and abused from any semblance of context does not make those pictures “beautiful”. It does, however, make you absolutely clueless about how violence against women looks in the real world, where it isn’t even remotely pretty. Meanwhile, with regard to your snippy defensive posture…carry on and dig in. You should be reaching China any day now!

17. Neil Fucking Munro. You work for Tucker Fucking Carlson! Which is a nicer way of saying You lie! PS: Who the fuck imported YOU, anyway? And WHY? Dude, you are like tits on a bull!

18. Danielle Fucking Harkins. Lady, get with the program. Everybody knows that exorcism is NOT performed by cutting oneself and then cauterizing the wound with a burning-hot key. It involves Catholic priests, Linda Blair, and gallons of flying pea soup. Jesus H. Christ on a condom wrapper, get it STRAIGHT!

19. Beryl Fucking Bailey. If you cannot tell us what is “inappropriate” about a fifth-grader’s speech in favor of same-sex marriage (which, BTW, won a school contest for speeches about democracy!), then maybe something is inappropriate about YOU. “Any topic” means ANY TOPIC. You don’t arbitrarily get to say “but not THAT one!” after the fact.

And finally, to the oh-so-original troll who calls himself “Name”, whose IP number is 173.160.195.150, and who slithered out of the greasy Comcast pipe at Bellevue, Washington, only to leave the following oh-so-polite and well-thought-out missive, appropriately enough, on my last weekly wankapedia:

What a fucking douche-canoe you are! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, “Name”, I’m rubber, and you’re glue. That is to say, I’m awesome, and you’re banned. Sorry I have nothing more original to throw back at you than that, but you don’t merit the effort. If you’re gonna spew shit at me, try fewer caps and less cut ‘n’ paste. And only one exclamation mark per non-run-on sentence, please.

Goodnight, and get fucked!