Wankers of the Week: The Week the Wheels Went

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, looks like there’s gonna be right-wing losers in both North and South America in the next month or two. Because the right-wing candidates in the US and Venezuela both seem to have lost some wheels off their campaign buses. I imagine this will be more amusing than all those violent movie scenes where a car goes over a cliff in slow-mo (or into the Grand Canyon, better still). And here are all the train-wrecks I couldn’t stop rubbernecking at this week, in no particular order:

1. Mike Fucking Hayhurst. Maybe this rodeo clown should stick to sight gags, because he’s clearly no master of verbal wit. His racist “joke” about Michelle Obama being offered $50 to pose for National Geographic is about as tasteless and out of date as it gets. And his petulant tirade at the “insensitivity” of a reporter daring to question him on it when he was in hospital but still able to talk doesn’t help him any, either.

2. Mitt Fucking Romney. So, 47% of the US populace is a bunch of “dependent victims” who don’t pay taxes? This would be a good time to press Mittens yet again on those tax returns he’s not releasing. What do you suppose they’ll reveal? I have my educated guesses, and I’m sure you’ve got yours too. PS: Ha, ha. Kiss your presidential aspirations a definite goodbye, Mittens. You just soiled yourself worse than your own dog did when you strapped him to the roof of the car. And it looks like even your fellow Repugs are running from the stench. PPS: Plus, your foreign policy sucks, because you don’t have any. None that people in Latin America or Palestine LIKE, anyhow. PPPS: Urkh. PPPPS: Double-urkh.

2 1/2. Ann Fucking Romney might want to shut up now, too. Her condescension and snappishness aren’t helping to dispel that rich, racist and out-of-touch image in the least.

3. Todd Fucking Akin. Oh dearz. Someone is still in the running…and hasn’t learned a thing from the strategies of Herman Fucking Cain, I see. Why do misogynists hide behind women’s skirts? Especially when everyone already knows what they are?

4. Lulli Fucking Akin. And if you wondered how #3’s missus feels about all this, now you know. She’s just as fucking clueless about the meaning of rape as he is.

5. Carlos Fucking Romero. I agree that Florida is a backward state, although not because they ban bestiality; that’s frowned upon everywhere. And really: sex with a donkey is asinine enough, but a mini-donkey? Dude, are you a fucking jackass?

6. Bill Fucking Graves. Who died and made YOU God? You don’t get to decide what gender a transsexual person is assigned; that’s between them and their doctors. And if you’re going to be talking about God’s will, you might want to look at the latest neurological research, which bears out the notion that LGBTs are born that way. Meaning that, if you believe God makes people according to a divine plan, GOD MADE THEM WHO THEY ARE. And it’s YOU who are defying God by not letting transgendered people live authentically.

7. Yunel Fucking Escobar. Eres un imbécil de la gran mierda. Menos homofobia, por favor.

8. Steven Fucking Crowder. Unfunny “comedian” (whom I never heard of, and by the looks of things, haven’t missed out on) gets all smug about his no-sex-till-yer-married thing. And he feels the need to shame all the “floozies” and doozies who didn’t make the same supposedly awesome choice. Just you wait till the novelty of the honeymoon wears off, fella. Then you’re gonna be all like “Dude, where’s my fuckin’ divorce?”

9. Cecilia Fucking Giménez. Gotta hand it to her, she’s got chutzpah. But that’s about all you gotta hand to her. After all, she’s the woman who ruined the Jesus fresco she was supposed to be restoring. It’s gonna cost good money to make Jesus look like he’s not wearing a fur hat again.

10. Paris Fucking Hilton. No, you homophobic try-hard, most gay men don’t have AIDS. Not even “probably”. What fucking decade is this again? (Also, somebody needs a gay buddy — her taste in clothes is terrible.)

11. Pamela Fucking Geller. Figures that she and her trashy blog would be raising funds for a shitty movie that the actors are now disavowing because they were tricked, and words they did not say were literally put into their mouths. I hope they sue the shit out of her for this.

12. Margaret Fucking Wente. Not only is she lazy-minded as fuck in general, she is so much so that she even plagiarizes her own crap. Why is she not on the unemployment line by now? You know, as in ZERO job, ZERO pay — in short, a ZERO for plagiarizing, just like she herself advocates for students who cheat?

This image just says it all: Lazy, draping herself in faux patriotism, and underneath it all, a naked sellout. Phooey.

13. Virginia Fucking Heffernan. Meet the new sex segregation, same as the old sex segregation. Right down to the “we’re only doing it to protect you delicate ladies from all the rapey rapey rape” rationalization. And who better to wave the pom-poms and cheerlead for this nonsense than she, a sheltered scioness of Dartmouth professorial stock? Oh…I see they couldn’t find anyone else to further distill all the hog-snot about how women really do have it so much better than men, even as there’s a full-scale war against women actively raging on every legal front. And whatever the fuck next…a rah-rah for back-to-the-kitchen, perhaps framed as another “how women are kicking men’s butts everywhere” piece? Gimme an F, gimme a U…

14. Paul Fucking Ryan. Not only can he not get the order of his platform straight (he keeps putting himself ahead of Mittens — how Randroid!), he also can’t find a convincing plant to stick in the audience. Whoever that weepy woman is, I don’t believe she’s been to Harvard. Or been disadvantaged based on the color of her skin (white, natch). Much less given $1.5 million to “help” others. If she had that kind of education, she’d be more articulate, and if she had that kind of money, she might have thrown some of it in the general direction of better clothes. She claims to have graduated Harvard in 1993, but it looks like she hasn’t had a new dress since then. Not a very good advertisement for Paulie and his Virtue of Selfishness philosophy. And REALLY not a good way to dispel the impact of Rick Fucking Santorum’s rare moment of truth, because it underscores the whole point — that you’d have to be seriously stupid to vote Repug based on “values”!

15. John Fucking Sununu. Yeah, Jimmy Carter’s sharp-eyed grandson is the one to blame for Mittens saying all those horrible, bashy things on that leaked video. When all else fails, shoot the messenger! As for that class-warfare bit, the Repugs have been at it forever. Only now do we see how blatantly they’re going about it. Very disingenuous of Snu-Snu to lie about that, but totally typical of him to project it onto the other side.

16. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The Pigman could never find his peanut, because his belly was always in the way. Is he ever going to do anything about it? NO! Personal Responsibility is for OTHER people. It’s for the poor, the non-white, and anyone else who doesn’t vote for the guy who’ll screw them. Rusty blames the usual: FEMINAZIS! And his new, and even dumber, buzzword: CHICKIFICATION! Never mind that machismo has never left us, and that there’s now a war on women raging to make sure it never does. No, Angry Inch Rushbo doesn’t want to shoulder the burden of cleaning up the environment, losing the cigar, or even minding his own fucking diet. He just wants to blame it all on the uppity wimmin. If Wife #4 doesn’t last, we’ll all know who’s really to blame, eh? PS: OMG, now I know what brought that on. Now it all makes sense!

17. Oliver Fucking Stone. It pains me to include this one, as he’s usually so much smarter, but…Ollie, Ollie, Ollie…you no touchy the boobies. Especially not when there’s a camera on you.

18. Bud Fucking Johnson. Whoever said Jim Crow was dead probably hasn’t met this charming chair-lyncher from Texas. Where everything’s big, including Teh Stoopid.

19. Paul Fucking Gros. You know what? When “free speech” impinges on our right not to hear crap spouted at us on every street corner, I say FUCK IT. Nobody has the right to compel me or anyone else to hear bullshit. Sue all you want, you big fucking homophobic crybaby. I hope you lose.

20. Rick Fucking Perry. Crotch Goodhair blames Satan for the separation of church and state? I didn’t know Satan was a framer of the US constitution! When did THAT happen?

21. Bret Fucking Easton Ellis. So, you’re a gay guy who uses Grindr…and you kind of think #10 has a point? Point being that you’re horny and disgusting and gonna die of AIDS? Well, maybe you need to get off of there and find yourself some steady companionship in a better venue, instead of kinda-sorta agreeing with an idiot who gave her own sex-tape “co-star” a raging case of genital herpes. Just a thought.

22. Chris Fucking Brown. Are Lamborghinis some kind of signifier for general douchebaggery? I dunno, but the case for it came one step closer to being made this week. Surely a hideously tricked-out one (like his, for example) would qualify…

And finally, to the Fucking Harper Goverment™. Yes, all of it. And if you wonder why I said that this week, perhaps their response to the deportation of Kimberly Rivera might be a fucking clue. They CHEERED when she was deported, no doubt to be arrested for her war-resisting, when she touched down on US soil. And despite a pious e-mail I got from Jason Fucking Kenney’s office this weekend, I do not believe for one minute that this government has an iota of compassion for Iranians, either. If they did, they’d have kept some diplomatic ties, instead of mongering for war against Iran (at Israel’s behest, natch) and leaving Iranian women facing execution in the lurch. And now they have the cock-swigging nerve to “debate” when human life begins, no doubt with an eye to “protecting the unborn”? What about the already born? Oh yeah, we already know. The SupposiTories say fuck ’em, unless they’re old, rich, white male cronies with big bucks to donate at their war-chest fundraisers. These people are disgusting, despicable sadists of the scummiest order. If hell is real, there’s a special circle reserved for them in it. And I hope they all get sodomized by a daisy chain of demons until the end of fucking time.

Good night, and get fucked!