Wankers of the Week: Flippin’ the Big Bird

Crappy weekend, everyone! Has everyone got that bug that’s going around? It’s not the bird flu, it’s just the common cold, but holy shit, is it potent. I’m actually leaking pus from my eye sockets as we speak. And while we’re on the subject of mucopurulent discharges, how about these snotballs?

1. Mark Fucking Steyn. He’s mad as hell that Sesame Street has, supposedly, sanitized the concept of monsters and boogymen, so that kids aren’t afraid of either one anymore. So he hates Sesame Street, and he’s of course advocating for the privatization of public TV as a result. Well, Mark, I’m not so sure that people aren’t afraid of monsters or boogymen just because they watched Sesame Street as a kid. Every time I see your urghly little face, or hear you blatting batshit, I get queasy. And I’m afraid that even Herry Monster and Mr. Snuffleupagus can’t make that go away.

2. Vladimir Fucking Umanets. No, your signature will NEVER be worth more than the painting it defaces. At most, you are destined to be a footnote in the art-history books. Worse, your “yellowism” so-called concept has already been done (literally ad nauseam) before. And better, if by “better” we’re talking blue barf.

3. Joran Fucking Van der Sloot. Quite aside from the fact that he was allowed an unsupervised visit by a girlfriend (why???), there remain some very uncomfortable questions: Who the hell would want to sleep with him? Unprotected, yet? And, urgh: Are psycho-fuckers an actual thing, now?

4. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. And while we’re on the subject of why-why-why, the biggest pervert in France now has a consulting firm. And apparently, there still exist a few women in some deep dark corner of the Universe who would not be averse to working with him, even knowing that they could easily be jumped and raped at any moment by a man who is apparently clueless about the meaning of non.

5. Deborah Fucking Needleman. Katie Fucking Roiphe is “sexy…smart [and] sassy”? Sorry, Debbie, but you’re fucking clueless. Thanks for inadvertently furnishing the funniest hashtag of the week, though.

6. Jerry Fucking Sandusky. In his heart, he knows he did not do “these alleged disgusting acts”, which happened to have been witnessed by third parties with nothing to gain, and a lot to lose, by reporting them. And, seeing as the accusations against him have been floating around since the 1990s, it’s kind of rich too that he claims he had no time to prepare for his day in court. What, too busy schtupping little boys? Jesus.

7. David Fucking Siegel. Dude, shell out a few bucks for a dictionary. Learn the meaning of the word productive. It does not mean what you think it means. Truly productive people don’t live in a fugly wannabe Versailles. (It would also behoove you to remember how the last royal residents of the original palace ended up.) They don’t run crappy companies rated F by the BBB, dealing in timeshares that people get warned not to buy. (All timeshares are a scam anyway.) And most of all, they don’t plagiarize shitty chain e-mails telling their employees (who are the REAL producers, ahem) to vote Repugnican or the fucking sky will FALL FALL FALL! (Also, your interference with their right to vote? ILLEGAL.) You’re not “bailing out” anyone, and the Bush tax cuts were, in fact, YOUR bailout, paid far in advance. Time to give it back, because you didn’t earn that. You didn’t create jobs, you destroyed them just so you could live in your pretentious McPalace. In short…pay your taxes and STFU, you whiny, tyrannical, antidemocratic old douchebag. Taxes are just the price of living in a decent society, which is one not dictated by corporate owners and shareholders. And if Obama wins again, and you end up fucking off to the Caribbean, sucking down piña coladas per your threat, I hope you get a whole new exclusive strain of hepatitis from the ice. In any event, your business is one that doesn’t deserve to flourish. PS: A sex harasser? I never would have guessed. Bet you felt entitled to buy your son’s girlfriend for a cool million too, eh?

8. Scott Fucking DesJarlais. The only “good” abortion is YOUR abortion, eh, Dr. Teabagger? Or rather, your mistress’s. All life is sacred except when conceived in adultery. Oh, sorry — “open marriage”. (Note the quotes.)

9. Charlie Fucking Fuqua. If everyone killed their kids just for rebelling against them, this world would be utterly devoid of humanity. In more senses than one. Is there any better reason why there should NOT be a biblical basis for laws than an idiot who would push for one like this?

10. Loy Fucking Mauch. The South will rise again! Er, no, it won’t. And it never will hold its head up as long as nutball idiots like this one are still talking about the “War of Northern Aggression” and claiming slavery was A-okay just because the Bible didn’t denounce it. Once again: This is why there should be NO biblically-based laws on the books. ANYWHERE.

11. Andrew Fucking Napolitano. Government regulation doesn’t cause meningitis outbreaks. But corporate “self-regulation”, i.e. failure to regulate a goddamned thing? That’s another story. And it’s one whose facts this FUX Snooze bozo can’t be bothered to get straight. Wonder how much the drug companies are paying him to spout that kind of lethal gibberish.

12. Roger Fucking Rivard. I have yet to meet a girl who “rapes so easy”, whatever that means. If it means “cries rape so easily”, it’s also untrue. A lot of girls try to put it out of their mind, pretending it didn’t happen. And they can make it through an entire unplanned pregnancy that way, too. The idea that they would “cry rape” to get back at the guy who impregnated them is ludicrous. And the idea that this silly warning makes a strong case against premarital sex is also ludicrous. Didn’t any of these old fogies ever talk before they got laid, and make sure that what was about to happen was intentional and consensual, and that their prospective partner was actually old enough to consent, not to mention at least breaking out a fucking condom? Jesus H. Christ, what a bunch of useless fuddy-duddies.

13. Bill Fucking Skuby. No, of course it’s not racist to witch-doctor a photo of Barack Obama. Because you’d totally do that if the Democratic incumbent were a white guy…right?

14. Kirk Fucking Cameron. Dude. You’re not Jesus. No one is interested in crucifying you. All anyone ever did was call your homophobic bullshit by its right name. We’d all be quite content if you would only shut the fuck up, go the hell away, and never be seen or heard from again.

15. Jonathan Fucking Phelps. Once again, the case against biblical law is made…by yet another bigoted, racist, sexist, homophobic proponent.

16. Jon Fucking Hubbard. Someone who calls slavery a “blessing in disguise” has no business violating Godwin’s Law. Especially since slavery was a leading feature in Hitler’s concentration camps.

17. Rick Fucking Santorum. Oh noes, human rights will “disintegrate” society. Yeah, sure…if by “society” you mean bigotry, sexism and a fucked-up political system where corporations and fetuses enjoy more rights than actual, born human beings.

18. Rob Fucking McKenna. His opponent is gonna whop-whop-whop him Gangnam Style. PS: You’re supposed to do that horsey-riding dance with your legs apart, doofus. Nobody rides sidesaddle anymore!

19. Terry Fucking Jones. He tried to bring his book-burning hate into Canada this week. DENIED! Thank you, border patrol agents. More of the same, please.

20. John Fucking McKay. Fetal personhood is not “innocuous”, nor does it fill any legal vacuum. If a fetus is a person from the moment of conception, we would all be celebrating the day our parents had sex, not the day we were born. Oops! Looks like I just poked a huge vacuum in your specious legal argument. (And to think you call yourself a Liberal. It is to laugh.)

21. Abigail Fucking Fisher. If your crusade against affirmative action is really legit, dear, and it’s really all about how “everyone will be able to get into any school that they want no matter what race they are but solely based on their merit and if they work hard for it,” shouldn’t you yourself have worked harder, too? Like, at improving your SAT scores, for one thing? Because that’s what got you denied admission in the first place — remember?

22. Courtney Fucking Stodden. OMFG SHE’S NOT RILL! Sky falling. Film at 11!

23. Sarah Fucking Palin. First she chases the media until they give her some token attention, then she accuses them of bias against her. Hello, is there an echo in the room? Why yes, there is! She’s only done this about a hundred thousand times. Sarah, stop waving those tinfoil pom-poms. If you don’t want media attention, then just sit down and shut up!

24. Michael Fucking Brutsch. Speaking of attention-whores who can’t take it when the hard spotlight of truth hits them square in the eyes, how about him? Reddit’s ugliest troll has been exposed, and he was in thick with the admins. And now he’s whining about how he was “betrayed”. Yeah, Reddit, great job protecting his “freedom of speech”. It makes people who actually care about silly things like common courtesy, decency, and integrity want to stay the fuck away from your fucking site, which is fast becoming the anus of the Internet, and not its “front page”, as you call it. Tolerance for trolls will only lead to troll-shit everywhere. Ever thought of that? And yeah, smooth move barring Gawker from linking to you. How embarrassing it must be to know that Adrian Chen is the good guy here. He used his freedom of speech to denounce what is obviously an abuse of the whole concept, facilitated by shitty moderation and administration, and a general rot at the heart of Internet corporate culture. In short: Fuck you, Reddit.

25. Alison Fucking Redford. If you’re really serious about getting to the bottom of the E. coli outbreak at XL Foods, one might think that a public inquiry would be a good way of going about that. Not so Alberta’s lovely Conservative premier, who apparently thinks that’s not the government’s job, and that it’s better just to “learn from it”. Learn what? That Conservative premiers are do-nothing buck-passers who can’t be called upon to act in the public interest, which is what they were presumably elected to do. What else?

26. Jerry Fucking Eller. Lie about the nonexistent dangers of same-sex marriage to create “chaos and doubt” in voters’ minds. What could possibly go wrong? Oh yeah: The truth emerging, and your bullshit campaign backfiring.

27. Mark Fucking O’Mara. Yeah, sure, racism played no part in George Zimmerman’s assault and murder of Trayvon Martin. We’ll just pretend the words “fucking coon” were never uttered while Zimmerman was on the phone with the 911 dispatcher, and that he didn’t go running after the kid in spite of explicit orders not to do so. See? No racism. Therefore no murder. Therefore, acquittal. Easy peasy.

28. Clifford Fucking Russell. How pro-life is he? Well, he wants to execute all the “illegitimate families on welfare” and forcibly adopt out their children to God only knows who. Charming, eh?

29. Wyclef Fucking Jean. “Pay yourself first” applies to regular, for-profit businesses. NOT charities. No surprise, then, that Haitians saw little to nothing of help from the guy who made such a big deal about being one of them. It’s safe to say that he isn’t anymore. When you get too busy flying celebrity endorsers in on private jets, it stands to reason that you have no time — or MONEY — left for the Little People.

30. The Fucking Nobel Peace Prize Committee. How they could award the prize to Europe, when the place is in a monetary crisis and people are committing suicide in Greece, rioting in Spain, raping in France, and flooding Germany with job-seekers, is beyond me. Anyway, a paltry million or two won’t fix that, so STFU, David Fucking Frum.

And finally, to this dude right here:

Uh oh, somebody forgot to add the swastika armband. Grievous oversight on the part of the Mittens/Munster campaign merch salespeople!

Good night, and get fucked!