Wankers of the Week: Amurrica votes, bullshit floats


Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that bad boy of an election just to the south of us? Wasn’t that a doozer? It was won by some black dude from Hawaii (again) and a wonkish number-crunching Jewish dude whom the mathematically-challenged right tried to paint as too faggy to give them an “unskewed” prediction. They never figured that the people would actually turn out to vote, and it wouldn’t go their way. And errrrmahgerrrrd, that’s not all that turned out. Teh Stoopid was also out in force this week — here, there, and everywhere. And here it comes, in no particular order:

1. Roxanne Fucking Rubin. Remember how all the Repugs used to guffaw about the Dems and their crooked habit of “vote early, vote often”? Well, turns out that they do the exact same thing! Isn’t this ironic, coming from the party that claims to be against voter fraud? Which brings us neatly to…

2. Brian Fucking Kilmeade. Yeah, send in the “poll watchers”, a.k.a. Repug intimidators and thugs. Just make sure they watch YOUR partisans too, because guess what? You need it.

3. Peggy Fucking Noonan. “Nobody knows anything”, and “everyone’s guessing” at the result of the election. So, what’s her ignorant guess? Mittens. BWAAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, Peggy, but you really should learn to do some number crunching. Then you wouldn’t have grasped at that wrong straw.


4. Rob Fucking Ford. He hates public transit, but damn if he doesn’t like using it as an exclusive transport for his football team. AND he used the cops to force regular riders off, too, so the team could hog an entire friggin’ bus. Maybe he’s doing it to punish the TTC for opposing him at every turn? Sure smells that way. PS: Ha, ha.

5. Maurice Fucking Vellacott. Anti-choice? Full of glutinous, saccharine self-righteousness? Willing to break into a clinic to harass the staff and patients? Been jailed for doing just that? Then you’re in luck! The obnoxious twat with the bolt-on hair will nominate you for a Queen’s Jubilee Medal. Yay! Suddenly you are vindicated and rewarded, and crime pays. And it’s all thanks to those “tough on crime” SupposiTories.

6. Sarah Fucking Palin. So, at the 11th hour, she endorsed Mittens. Yeah, good of her to hold off this long. Wouldn’t want voters to think that deranged idiots were endorsing him, eh?


7. Vic Fucking Toews. Once more, our so-called minister of public safety is silent (and undoubtedly clueless) about anything seriously to do with public safety. But hey, I’m sure his draconian Internet crackdown laws and laxity on guns will do wonders for our natural disaster preparedness!

8. Jeff Fucking Flake. If you ever wondered how Canada’s federal election could have been stolen, so much so that the utterly unpopular Harper SupposiTories got a majority after two terms of minority slogging (and sagging popularity numbers right before the balloting went down), you can stop wondering now. The party of evil bastards to the north of the 49th Parallel has been taking lessons in robocall electoral fraud from the party of evil bastards to the south of the 49th Parallel. No doubt their “institutes” of corporate-funded evil have been in close communication with Harpo’s, too.

9. Sarah Fucking Siskind. Oh yes, rich white Romneyite Randroid legacy student of Hahvud (bastion of rich white legacy brats, including Dubya), please explicate to the entire world how Affirmative Action is oppressing poor widdle underprivileged you. If you can sing it along to the accompaniment of the world’s tiniest fiddle, I might even be tempted to squeeze out a few crocodile tears for the death of Meritocracy. It must be so hard to play field hockey on a level pitch, not that you would ever know.


10. Ezra Fucking Levant. This week, our lesser northern Limbaugh is being listed not so much for what he’s said and done as what he hasn’t. Namely, “I’m sorry”, backed up by sincere contrition.

11. Ann Fucking Coulter. Looks like her diet pills and coke have finally eaten the last remnants of her brain; she’s gone full-on Chicken Little. Bawwwwwwrk!

12. Mitt Fucking Romney. Magic underwear don’t work; who knew? Buh-bye, Mittens, you won’t be missed. Especially not by your staffers. PS: Ha, ha. Also, oops. And tough luck, Chuck. No, really. Bwahahahaha.

13. Donald Fucking Trump. Why?


That’s why. It’s not a revolution when rich fucks do it, dumbass. And I’m pretty sure this is actually a call for treason, under the circumstances. PS: Ha, ha.

14. Karl Fucking Rove. Join your brothers #12 and #13 in Sore Losers’ Corner, Unka Karl. Your election-thievin’ days are mother-fucking OVER. Capisce? PS: Ha, ha.

15. Victoria Fucking Jackson. Finally, something truly funny out of her. Too bad it’s not intentionally so.

16. Mike Fucking Harris. Suddenly, we know just why he slashed all those budgets, closed all those hospitals, and threw nurses out of work when he was premier of Ontario. He was laying the pipeline to his own future profits, in a time when he hoped the private sector would be taking over for all the guts he ripped out of the public. Well, joke’s on him: Thanks to his cuts, and those of his buddies in Ottawa (former Harrisite Parasites, the lot of them), seniors can’t afford private-for-profit home nursing care. And those that can, won’t be coming to him, because they have long memories, and they know he’ll just shove a pillow in their faces and sit on it until they stop kicking. In other words: Epic Fail in the making. Can’t go belly-up soon enough!


17. Allen Fucking West. Good thing he’s on the way out, but his refusal to concede until the very last instant is the wank. Just more Repugnican sore loserdom. I imagine he had trouble biting his tongue and not saying “communist” during his concession speech.

18. Todd Fucking Akin. You weren’t “skunked”, you were legitimately defeated. That rank odor you’re talking about? That’s your own shit. You rolled in it over and over and over again, remember? Anyhow, good fucking riddance to you, you vile-smelling bastard. May your stench never be smelled in DC again. PS: Ha, ha. Bet that’s not so much of a joke, really.

19. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Yep, old white men are on the go-down. And that’s quite all right with me, considering what a fuckery they’ve made of everything. Perhaps Billo will seek consolation in a loofah, or maybe a nice falafel? Whatever…as long as he doesn’t try to drag any more chicks into the shower with him. Because old white geezers’ sexual privilege is an icky-poo fuckery, too.

20. Chet Fucking Walken. Why?


That’s why. Dude, I hope the Secret Service pays you a nice courtesy call real soon. You’re a steaming pile of credit to conservatism!

21. Peter Fucking Brant the Fucking Second. Please, Goddess, kick this callow cretin in the crotch, so there won’t ever be a fucking Third. (And when you’re done that, perhaps his widdle friend might like some, too.)

22. Shelly Fucking Dankert. If you ever wondered what sort of heartland type still supports Sarah Fucking Palin, pray quit wondering forthwith. It appears to be fueled by an unholy but perfectly predictable admixture of alcohol, tar and nicotine, blazing bigotry, flaming delusions of grandeur, tragically unfulfillable dreams of Internet fame, closeted bitterness of “soul”, and junk food. And it likes to make shitty YouTubes, too. PS: Ha, ha.

23. The fucking crazypants bloggers of the Christian Men’s Defense Network. I’m not surprised that they’re anonymous, or that they’ve taken their odious bloggery private since their hate went viral (alas, they forgot Teh Googlecache. It BURNS!) When you’re this hateful, stupid, and insecure about your sad old micropenis and all the chicks it ain’t magnetizing, it makes all the sense in the world to lick your wounds in hiding. Or at least, in as much “hiding” as you’re capable of when you’re spilling your bilious guts to your fellow butthurt losers.

24. Dick Fucking Morris. Why?


That’s why. I’ve said repeatedly that Dick-the-aptly-named should get back to sucking hookers’ toes, and I mean that. With someone else’s foot in his mouth, he won’t have room to shove his own in there.

25. Herman Fucking Cain. Yes! Divide the right. You guys are born to lose; might as well fulfill your destiny out of sheer selfishness. Paint yourselves just that little bit further into the corner marked Total Irrelevance, and you’ll save your opponents a shitload of effort.

26. David Fucking Siegel. What? Obama won, and your employees are still employed? And they might even get bonuses? And you haven’t shut down your bidness and fucked off to the Caymans yet, like you threatened? Does this mean that you won’t die of galloping hepatitis from a tainted ice cube, as I’d hoped you would? DAMN!

27. Eric Fucking Dondero. Awww. A widdle wibbertawian haz Teh Butthurt! Sorry, dude, but I’m fresh out of ointment and fucks to give for that. Would you settle for a steel-toed boot and a hearty nyah-nyah, instead? PS: Good luck finding another job, Mr. Galt.


28. Tony Fucking Perkins. Chick-Fil-HATE won the election? Srsly? I thought it was that gay-positive, woman-friendly black guy from Hawaii. That’s what I get for paying attention to real news, I guess. And for not eating shit sandwiches.

29. Sharon Fucking Hailey Aceta. Gee, lady, why so grumpy about some of your students being on food stamps? Be grateful that they can still eat, because that’s how they’ll get the energy to learn math from you. Or to put up with your insufferable right-wing condescension, more like it.

30. Ted Fucking Nugent. Still not in jail. Still not dead. Still a real fucking disappointment, that soulless, shit-sitting motherfucker.

31. Pat Fucking Robertson. OMFG, did Patwa seriously not realize that women are sexual beings until now? And did he seriously go the dirty-old-man route when he found it out? That…is fucking GROSS, man.


32. Peter Fucking Morrison. So, he wants a territorial separation from all the “maggots” who aren’t bigoted like him? Looks like he’s headed for just that. And the territory in question will have a population of precisely ONE.

33. Denise Fucking Helms. Yes, calling a black man a nigger does, in fact, make you racist. By definition. But I guess if your standard for racism is “wears hooded sheets and burns crosses on lawns”, maybe it doesn’t count. Just as hoping your black president gets assassinated doesn’t, either.

34. Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik. Seeing as he’s in the Norwegian equivalent of Club Fed, and not some CIA “black” site, I can’t much sympathize with him when he whines about how “inhumane” it all is. Killing 77 people in the name of an insane, hateful right-wing ideology is “humane”? STFU, you fuckheaded martyr-wannabe.

35. Paul Fucking Broun. You know you’re a scientific dud when Charles Darwin gets 4000 write-ins on a ballot opposite you. And you know you’re contemptible when people also write in their neighbor’s cat and “a burning bag of dogshit”. Flaming doggie-doo for the motherfucking WIN, bitch.


36. Tricia Fucking Macke. Leave it to a FUX Snoozer to have trouble telling what gender Rachel Maddow is. And to make imbecilic comments about it on Facebook.

37. Vic Fucking Toews. A troubled teen dies in a federal prison, which is bad enough; she needed mental health care, not imprisonment. But Icky Vic’s callous dismissal of her horrific death, and his constant harping on victims of unrelated crimes instead of answering questions, is nauseating in the extreme. Perhaps he needs to be duct-taped, zipped into a mesh hood, and forced to sit in his own excrement for a couple of hours, so he can see how it feels.

38. Stephen Fucking Harper. Back in the day, Indira Gandhi went barefoot among her people, and joined in dances where actual swords were swinging perilously close to her head. What does PM No-Nads do when he’s in India? Get the RCMP to ship in armor-plated SUVs for him. At public expense, of course. And no, Grope & Flail, it’s not a reflection on India and its supposedly inadequate concern for his safety; it’s a reflection on HIM. He’s a gutless wonder, and an unpopular one wherever he goes. No wonder he doesn’t trust his hosts! PS: Oh look, a Flying Taj Mahal! Where have we seen THAT before?


39. David Fucking Petraeus. Yes, it’s very tempting to say he’s “Betray-us” for real. But it’s not “us” he betrayed, it’s his wife. And seeing as she’s a West Point commandant’s daughter (whom he met while at said academy), with an abundance of connections both military and civilian, that’s gonna get awkward reaaaaalllllly fast.

40. Paula Fucking Broadwell. Germane to #39, she’s less a biographer than a hagiographer. And now we know why. Even ookier, though, is the distinct possibility that her betrayed husband knew, and wrote to a certain New York Times ethics columnist for advice. And perhaps ookiest of all, she committed a security breach in a fit of jealousy over ANOTHER (suspected) Other Woman. While she’s not suspected of espionage, the compromising situation could not be a bigger embarrassment. Especially since it now appears that Anonymous has hacked HER e-mail.

41. Rick Fucking Santorum. He’s out of office and out of power, but not out of gas…yet. Too bad. I was kind of hoping he’d finally take this opportunity to finally come out of the closet, and then fade away to eat chocolate-fudge poopsicles in peace and quiet.

42. Sean Fucking Hannity. If you ever needed more proof that FUX Snoozers are nothing but sold-out presstitutes, here you go. Mr. Tough-on-Immigration himself, the Baby Jesus, has flipflopped and now supports legalizing the undocumented. Wonder what brought all that soul-searching about? Surely not the fact that he ever had one, because if he does, it’s only recently acquired.


43. Steve Fucking Deace. Who? I don’t know, but he sure seems to have all the answers for a party in search of its soul. All the WRONG answers, of course. But hey. Like I said above, if they want to become totally irrelevant, the Repugnicans are 100% free to do so. If they will not learn from history, and the fact that Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and Ike Eisenhower were all popular for a reason — their liberal politics — let ’em rot. Right? Right. Right.

44. Michael Fucking Graham. Sheer FUX Snooze genius: Lying about a lie His Barackness never told. Is that fucking meta, or what?

45. Glenn Fucking Beck. Uh oh, looks like paranoid Biff’s gone off the cliff. Apparently a locker full of “food insurance” isn’t enough to buy you security; now it’s guns and farms. Does he know how to work either? I’m gonna go waaaaay out on a limb here and guess no.


And finally, to all the fucking freepers and other assorted fuckheads who threatened to move to Canada or Australia to get away from the evils of socialized medicine, legal abortion and same-sex marriage, when they weren’t busy petitioning the Queen of England to take their sorry, Cheeto-fed asses back in the name of liberty. Oh, and tweeting about the horrors of having a “nigger” for a president. Don’t look now, you guys, but all three countries have socialized medicine. And Canada has same-sex marriage and no legal limit on abortions, to boot. Not to mention that we were the final stop on the Underground Railroad. If you’re gonna threaten to move somewhere to get away from what’s actually no threat to your illusory freedoms (which were taken away from you by old rich white dudes, for profit), shouldn’t you at least demonstrate that you’d make a competent immigrant, instead of a laughingstock who’d get denied entry on the basis of sheer stupidity alone?

Also, your racist rioting tendencies are duly noted, and not wanted. ANYWHERE.

Good night, and get fucked!.

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