Crappy weekend, everyone! And a crappy World AIDS Day to all. Do you know where YOUR dickheads are? No? That’s okay, I’ve got them riiiiiight here…and in no particular order, here they are:
1. Stephen Fucking Harper. Yeah, sure, go right ahead and suck up to apartheid Israel by suppressing Palestine (and FAILING, ha ha). I’m sure that will do wonders for your global image. It’s also got those of us who actually give two shits about humanity standing here hanging our heads in shame and shaking them in disbelief.
2. Sacha Fucking Dratwa. And while we’re on the subject of Israel, and more specifically, the Fucking IDF, how about their fucking social media director? Yeah, posing as Barack Obama, with mud smeared all over your face, is a terrific idea! Prove to the world that your Likudnik apartheid government isn’t racist after all. Are you going to take that minstrel show to the gala that Stevie Wonder just begged off of? Good thing he’s (a) not going, and (b) blind. Because if he WERE going, and he could see you, he’d tilt your head back, yank your mouth open, and puke down your throat.
3. Carly Fucking Fiorina. So, she thinks public-sector union workers are too rich, and that’s “not fair”? Well, Carly, life isn’t fucking fair. And I’m sure you and your millions of unearned (and largely unTAXED) dollars, made when you damn near ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground, are well aware of that. If not, consider this your wake-up call, you stupid fucking wingnut. Honestly, I’ve seen two-year-olds with a better grasp of the fact.
4. Ana Fucking Gloria Fucking Garcia Fucking Gutierrez. Ignorance of the law is no excuse. And really: Riding a manatee? In what parallel universe is that ever a good idea? The sea is NOT a fucking Marineland, lady. (And don’t anyone get the idea to sneak in there and ride captive marine mammals uninvited, either.)
5. Suzanne Fucking Venker. Her name is so close to Wanker, how could I NOT list her? Especially since she seems to be of the strange impression that feminists have nothing better to do than wage war on men all the fucking live-long day. Um, no. The struggle for equality is a war on misogyny, not men. There is a long fight still to be fought. And Ms. Wanker, sorry, Venker, is Tokyo Rose. If she seriously thinks that women working for a living, for reproductive rights, and for equal pay are some kind of social problem, then maybe she should set a “good” example. Let her turn in her voter registration card, quit her crapaganda job at FUX, and go back to the kitchen and make Hubby-Dear a motherfucking shit sandwich. Go on, Suzie, and be a good girl, now! (And tell your crabby ol’ auntie Phyllis to do the same. She’s made quite the tidy cottage industry out of telling women what to do, and neglecting her home and family shamefully as a result.) PS: Ha, ha.
6. Chris Fucking Brown. Dude, this shirt is just for YOU:
And, that said: Your dick is probably microscopic. Why else would you work so hard to compensate? PS: And speaking of compensating, he’s off the tweeter now. Pity the damage is still done. PPS: Oh, UGH. PPPS: Ha, ha, ha…BULLSHIT.
7. Danny Fucking Ayalon. When heaping on the collective punishment, always blame ALL the victims. Including the most completely innocent ones, like the children of Gaza.
8. Ron Fucking Vezina. Is it 1984 all over again? It is if you’re collecting blood donations, apparently. Why else the stupid, discriminatory ban on gay male donors? It’s not like they are any more likely, in this day and age, to be HIV carriers. In fact, the greatest risk is more likely to be monogamous straight women who have no idea their husbands have been cheating on them. And isn’t ALL donated blood supposed to be tested for HIV anyway, thus making stupid, intrusive questionnaires unnecessary? But yeah, let’s go on perpetuating that stereotype of the gay man as AIDS menace. And let’s turn away potentially great donors at a time when blood banks are in crisis. And maybe, just maybe, do it all to cheap out a bit on the testing, thereby also endangering public health. To do less than that would be Politically Correct!
9. John Fucking Baird. Joy, joy, joy, Squealer went to the UN. To oppose Palestinian statehood. Hasn’t he done this before? Why yes, he has. He’s a one-trick piggie, what can I say? Meanwhile, Squealer FAIL. Ha, ha.
10. Rand Fucking Paul. “Freedom for me, and fuck-you to thee” just took on a new, ugly, misogynous dimension. Fetuses are persons to him, and women are not. But hey, why should HE care? It’s abundantly clear to everyone that he’ll die a virgin. And he’ll never need an abortion either, seeing as he’s a penis-holder and all.
11. Rob Fucking Ford. Buh-bye, Robbo, you big boorish wanker. Don’t let the City Hall doors hit you where your mama done split you. (And STFU about the left. They’re not the ones who made you abuse your mayoral powers. YOU did that.) PS: Ha, ha.
12. Rick Fucking Warren. If you’re not bothered by the prospect of a “gay gene”, why would you be squicked out by the prospect of same-sex relationships? And why would you call them “unnatural”? That’s a bit like saying gays can’t have parents or siblings. And THAT is unnatural!
13. Richard Fucking Cohen. No, the latest iteration of James Bond is NOT the reason young ladies won’t date you. The reason is, quite simply, that you look like their grandfathers (and are probably old enough to be it, too). Also, it’s kind of off-putting to women of ANY age that you’re an icky-poo sexual harasser. And it doesn’t help that you have an also-icky-poo taste for Sean Connery, the macho pigoon who thinks it’s A-okay to slap women around. (In case you’re wondering who MY favorite Bond is, it’s Roger Moore. Not that I’d sleep with him, mind you; I just like that that he was far less self-serious and looked like much more fun to be around. Wit, brains and humor are sadly underrated, especially by the machos and macho-wannabes.)
14. Brad Fucking Staats. Family matters to him. So much so, in fact, that he just had to leave an angry red handprint on his wife’s face. It doesn’t get much more mattery than that. And hey! Nice racist death threat on your Facebook page there, too, dude!
15. and 16. Kimberly Fucking Yee and Will Fucking Humble. What’s more insulting to a woman’s intelligence — “informed consent” websites that rely on sentimental bullshit language to misinform women about the “risks” of abortion, or the same, with woman misspelled? And did the Fucked-Up Government of Arizona seriously think women were too dumb to notice all that?
17. Glenn Fucking Beck. Andrés Serrano Flattery FAIL.
18. Sue-Ann Fucking Levy. Oh look, #18’s biggest hypocritical, racist schlong-sucker has piped up again. Good thing her mouth is so big and his dong is so small. Or rather, not good at all. Unless, maybe, this is the last of the Frodulent talking points we hear out of her before that aneurysm goes pop.
19. Michael Fucking Clemente. And in other presstitution news, FUX Snooze is clearly getting desperate. It’s losing control of its guests, pardon the expression, left and right. Or right and right-er-er, rather, since they don’t believe in letting the left speak. When it has to put “apologies” in people’s mouths that they didn’t utter and have no intention of uttering ever, you know that it’s never going to be able to keep them on message again.
20. Mitt Fucking Romney. How does it feel to be a 47%er, Mittens? And considering that those who voted for you came from the welfare-dependent “red” states, that “government-dependent moocher” analogy is more fitting than you ever realized. Ha, ha.
21. Thomas Fucking Matheson. Gawd. How many twists does it take to detach a human nipple from the underlying tissue and surrounding skin? I don’t know, but I bet HE does.
23. Franklin Fucking Graham. No, we don’t need the Immoral Minority resurrected. We need it all to die. Die. DIE!
24. Steve Fucking Taylor. It’s no surprise that criminal defence attorneys often use slimy tactics to git ‘er done (particularly when their clients are guilty as sin), but calling an 11-year-old rape victim a “spider” and intimating that she lured all 20 of her abusers into a “web” is surely some new low. When will the guys who roped her into this be seen as the perpetrators they are, instead of “victims”? (And, really, that “spider” metaphor suits THEIR role in this a lot more.)
25. Hunter Fucking Moore. I knew his promise to take down his revenge-porn filth site was too good to be true. He’s planning on resurrecting it, this time with Google mapping information so stalkers can find his site’s victims — most of whom are female — and make their lives miserable. How much longer before he’s party to a murder with this shit? Time to drive a stake through this one. FBI, get on it.
26. Gustavo Fucking Valencia Fucking Gómez. There’s nothing wrong with being a witch…but pretending to be one, for extortion and profit? Oh yeah: That’s illegal. Halloween’s over, buster.
27. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Yes, tasteful nudity is a concept. Just not when it comes to the Teen Queen of Tackyland.
28. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yep, trotting out Suzanne Wanker’s widely mocked article on Teh Poor Widdle Oppwessed Menz is a terrific way to justify three fucking decades of calling women Nazis. Or to cement your irrelevance once and for all. Take your pick, prick.
PS: Know who believed exactly as the Pigman does what the proper role of women is? Take a wild guess!
29. Stephen Fucking Lennon. England’s biggest bigot is also a fraudster? Shocked, SHOCKED.
30. Lindsay Fucking Lohan. Hollywood’s biggest fraudster is also a bigot? Shocked, SHOCKED.
31. Alberto Fucking Fujimori. It’s been a while since we’ve heard anything from El Chinito, and he’s not happy about that. So now, even though he’s in prison for human rights abuses, he STILL insists on being interviewed by the “fair and balanced” right-wing media. Just, you know, so no one ever forgets he was dictator of Peru. Alberto, how can we miss you when you won’t go the fuck AWAY?
32. The Fucking Trolls of WorldStarFuckingHipHop. Because women of double-digit dress size (a) don’t get laid, and (b) should never be treated like serious human beings. Especially when (a) they do get laid, and (b) what they also do is demand of the world that everyone be treated equally and, you know, like serious human beings.
33. Jason Fucking Kenney. Is anyone struck by the irony of him suddenly waxing all concerned about “hateful, xenophobic nutbars” (his exact words)? Because this is the same Jason Fucking Kenney who dissed the Roma people. The same who also had no problem letting Ann Fucking Coulter in, and keeping George Galloway out. AND whose party used to boogie with real live neo-Nazis back in the day, and still draws that vote like no other. Man, that irony just hits me like a steel-toed boot in the guttiwuts.
34. The unnamed fucking wanker who tried to blow up a government building in Arizona. If this was some kind of attempt to replicate the work of Tim Fucking McVeigh, it was an epic fail. No one was in at the time, and all it did was frighten the neighbors. But hey! Thanks for pointing out just what fucking buffoons right-wing domestic terrorists can be. We could all use the comic relief.
35. Eric Fucking Hartsburg. Before the election, I predicted that he’d be using the money he got for renting out his face as a Romney/Ryan billboard to remove that ink. And sure enough, he’s gonna do just that. But the kicker? He thinks that Mittens has no dignity. He’s got a bit of a point there, but still…pot, kettle. Enjoy your laser burn, dude. You’ve earned it!
And finally, to all the fucking asswipes who care more about the ruination of their fantasy football lineup than about domestic violence, suicide, and what causes them. The (alleged) Mayan Apocalypse is now 20 days away. And this is what you’re gonna be bringing to it? Fucking FAIL.
Goodnight, and get fucked!