Wankers of the Week: Holy Fucking Smoke

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Crappy weekend, everyone! So, this is the week the cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church got together, gathered around a campfire, and roasted marshmallows. Since the pope-ification process is a big hoary secret, nobody knows what’s really going on in that conclave until the result is announced. White smoke means they elected one; black, that someone lost a wiener. At least, that’s how I think it goes. We don’t know, and perhaps we never will. But hey! At least we know who lives right next door to the largest gay bathhouse in Europe. Ha, ha. And here are all the other wienies that got raked over the coals this week, in no particular order…

1. Jeb Fucking Bush. So, Jebby thinks he and his crime family still stand a chance of getting back into power, and that they don’t have any baggage? Two unnecessary wars, terrorism, coups, the hatred of pretty much all the world, and that isn’t baggage to him? Well, at least now we know he’s not mentally competent to run for office. Because that’s a mighty bad case of amnesia right there!

2. Conrad Fucking Black. $3 million in unpaid taxes. How much does one have to make to have that much outstanding? Well, one thing’s for sure: He didn’t make it by hard work or merit, because he’s notoriously lacking in both. I say he should work it off in jail, along with all the luckless peons who’ve known nothing BUT hard work all their lives, and who will never see $3 mil, much less pay it in taxes.

3. George Fucking Will. “No one can have it all”, says Georgie-porgie about working women. And yet MEN do, all the time, because they have UNPAID WOMEN doing all the heavy lifting, dusting, cooking and cleaning for them. I would suggest a sex-strike to drive that home to him, but the old boy already looks like he hasn’t had any in decades. Maybe that’s why he’s doing his damnedest to keep women down all the time…no one wants him!

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4. Maria Conchita Fucking Alonso. Surprise, surprise…fascist putschist Roberto Alonso‘s equally nasty (and far less relevant) sister is glad Chavecito died. I guess it’s the only consolation she’ll have in her entire miserable wasted life, because when it’s HER turn to go, the most polite thing that anyone is going to say will be “Who the fuck was she?” PS: Oh gawd, she’s even crazier than I thought. She thinks Fidel gave Chavecito cancer! She forgets that to do such a thing, Fidel would have to have a motive of gain. And of course, he has none. If anything, he stands to lose without his dear friend Chavecito at the helm in Venezuela. PPS: And now she prefers him “alive, with cancer and in prison.” Well, sorry, Cochina. You can’t have it both ways. PPPS: Remember this? Never forget!

5. Marco Tulio Gutierrez. Sexism: Always a winning strategy for opening a debate. One that’s not going to happen, and one that he’d only lose, in any event.

6. Justin Fucking Timberlake. Yeah, make fun of a good man’s death. That’s not a skit, that’s a SHIT. You’re not bringing sexy back, you’re just a sleazy, opportunistic douche catering to the collective stupidity, ignorance, disrespect and prejudice of Gringolandia. Glad I never liked you or your crappy music. PS: Ha, ha. Weenie. PPS: Ha, ha, ha. Mediocre!

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7. Mario Fucking Vargas Llosa. Speaking of ignorant, opportunistic sleazebags and douches, this one thinks “Chavismo” is going to “disappear, destroyed by the reality of Venezuela.” How depressed he must be that Bolivarianism IS the reality of Venezuela, and it’s not going to die just because its leading proponent is no longer physically there to wave the flag. If anything, it’s going to grow even bigger now that he’s immortal. Which is more than anyone is ever going to say about Mario Fucking Vargas Llosa, who has already outlived his own fame.

8. Stephen Fucking Harper. Dude’s a public figure. So what’s with this bullshit about his office being “private property” and protesters exercising a little freedom of speech being “trespassers”? Stevie Scuzzbucket, if you don’t want to be Prime Minister, why didn’t you just say so sooner? (And just wait till Calgarians find out that Stevie’s actually from Toronto, too!)

9. Jon Lee Fucking Anderson, AGAIN. Yep, still a dipshit when it comes to Venezuela. And now he’s one on Teh Tweeter, too. I won’t be following.

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10. Rory Fucking Carroll. Oh pretty boy, you fail so hard. You’ve been served. Go on home. You’re worse than useless as a reporter, and your attempts to backpedal so as not to look a baddie are even sadder than your efforts to spread anti-Chávez crapaganda. Your analysis will never NOT suck. Stop your stuttering. Resign and give your job to someone who knows how to report accurately.

11. Lance Fucking Kinzer. What, is he afraid that abortion clinic nurses are going to slip RU-486 pills into the cupcakes they bring into classrooms, thus terminating whole classrooms full of schoolkids retroactively? Because that’s just fucked up, dude. Schools are happy to have parent volunteers, and they often rely on them. Who cares if some of them work in abortion clinics? Restricting them is not only anti-choice, it is nothing short of anti-child.

12. Ted Fucking Nugent. Who the hell goes hog-killing with a helicopter and a machine gun…and all to spite some clown on TV? Some clown who sat in his own shit for a month to avoid the Vietnam draft because he didn’t have the stones to get up on his hind hoofs and oppose the motherfucking WAR. That’s who!

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13. John Fucking Thompson. Oil spills are good for the economy! Gosh, who knew? A lobbyist for the tar sands industry, who else? Never mind the environmental disaster and the deleterious effect THAT could have on the economy AND the ecology; no, post-disaster cleanup and damage control are where it’s at!

14. Joe Fucking Walsh. So, the people of the United States are “stupid and lazy”, eh? Well, no argument from me there; after all, he’s the nation’s leading deadbeat dad, so he’s intimately familiar with both concepts.

15. Linda Fucking Harvey. How is homosexuality like slavery? Um…actually, not at all. That would be compulsory heterosexuality. Ask any gay person who’s tried it before! And how is Linda Fucking Harvey like a wanker? Um…actually, VERY FUCKING MUCH.

16. Mark Fucking Regnerus. Again with the Great Homo-Sex-You-All Question. And the answer? Sanctimonious Chinwhiskers Dude was lying through his little yellow teeth the whole time. His so-called study shows nothing at all to the effect that gays can’t be good parents and therefore shouldn’t be allowed to adopt. Surpriiiiiiise!

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17. Laura Fucking Bush. Nice to see that Pickles is still faithfully defending the right of elephants to shit under that big ol’ circus tent. She’s actually pro-choice herself, but she thinks there’s still room in the GOP for objectively pro-rape anti-choicers. Isn’t that sweet of her? Well, Pickles, you can HAVE them. Nobody else wants them. No wonder they feel the need to defend men who go on the attack; they probably are that kind of guy themselves.

18. Hunter Fucking Moore. Ha, ha, fucking HA. A quarter million in damages for defamation and a cellphone pic of what is undoubtedly a very unimpressive penis. Looks good on ya, puswad.

19. Mike Fucking Frey. Wow, who knew my vagina could “repel AIDS”? And here I thought heterosexual women were the fastest growing segment of the population to be infected with HIV. That’ll teach me to be so sciency and facty and publicly educated and all! I guess we’re gonna have to give you what you want…bigotry and unequal marriage rights till the end of time. Bravo, Einfuckingstein!

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20. Thor Fucking Halvorssen. Memo to the Fucking CBC: This man isn’t a real Venezuelan, and isn’t a real human rights activist, either. And he’s not a “descendant” of Simón Bolívar, as he fraudulently claims; the Liberator had no children. And above all, he’s not a real source for a story on Venezuela. He is Norwegian, a diplomat’s son, a charlatan and a failed crapaganda filmmaker who doesn’t give a rat’s ass for Venezuela. He couldn’t care less if it rots, and they couldn’t care less for him, either. His grandest achievement, if you could call it that, was to write a petulant open letter to Urban Outfitters, whining at them for using an image of Che Guevara, who was a real human rights activist. Yes, gullible people actually send him donations for this sort of thing! And you really soiled yourselves by giving him airtime as if he mattered. He does NOT. Please let the silly little motherfucker fade back into the obscurity from which he came, and to which he rightfully belongs. Unless, of course, you plan to do a hard-hitting exposé on how many human rights he has actually trampled on in the course of his hobby-cum-career. PS: Remember this? Ha, ha. I sure do. BoRev, honey, come back…we miss you! PPS: And his old man is persona non grata. Reason: DRUGS. PPPS: And it looks like Norway doesn’t like Thor the Younger, either. Probably because of his ill-disguised crypto-fascism. Or maybe because they just know bullshit when they smell it.

21. Peter Fucking MacKay. So, his DND isn’t responsible for the delay when it comes to the new search-and-rescue planes? Well, no matter. I guess it’s not important, unless you need rescuing at sea and Petey happens to have a fishing trip to go on.

22. Louis Fucking Kinderman. Here’s a broad hint for all you l33t hax0rs out there who think you can disguise your online location when sending death threats to the White House via its website: YOU CAN’T. Thank you, and have a nice day.

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23. Victoria Fucking Nuland, again. Spiteful butthurt much? And you would have gotten away with your nice, neat plan to take over Venezuela, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!

24. Henrique Fucking Capriles Fucking Radonsky. Yes, another double Fucking this week for Majunche, because he’s just been wanking that hard. First he goes and insults Chavecito and his family, claiming that the death was “planned” for propaganda value. (Sounds like a projection to camouflage what his CIA handlers were actually doing.) Then he turns around whining that he himself was insulted when Chavecito’s daughter called him on his shit! Poor baby. Wouldums like a hankie?

25. Robert Fucking Jeffress. What are we, fucking robots? You might think so, if you listened to this megachurch megacharlatan. Apparently he thinks gay sex is a plug-in-socket thing, and if you insert Tab A in Slot C rather than Slot B, you go kaboom. Someone please inform him that’s not how it works, and that straight people have all the same kinds of sex gay people do. HIV is a virus, and it does not care where you insert what. It is not a product of “intelligent design”, because a loving God would never design something as destructive and devastating as that.

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26. Sean Fucking Hannity. The Baby Jesus doesn’t want us seeing crime scene photos from Sandy Hook. Partly because it WOULD lead to the end of the NRA (and about fucking time, too!), and partly because it would “politicize” something which is already political whether you like it or not — but mainly, because it would prove that the massacre actually happened, and isn’t some conspiracy that was cleverly covered up by you-know-who. Solution? GO AFTER MICHAEL MOORE! Because shooting messengers is always the best way to deal with truths you just can’t handle.

27. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Vietnam was “winnable”? The Vietnamese people beg to differ. Actually, they don’t beg; they just kick ass. And they kicked the ass of the biggest and baddest army in the world. How about that? Washington lost without “deciding” anything! Learn some history, dillweed. Maybe then you’ll learn just how little power Washington actually has over the hearts and minds of a planet.

28. Grover Fucking Norquist. Oh look, Mr. Drown-the-Government-in-a-Bathtub has piped up again. Just long enough to call any Republican who favors sensible taxation policies a “rat head in a Coke bottle”. Someone please inform the Coca-Cola Co., I’m sure they’ll be very interested to hear that Grover thinks their product is rat-infested!

29. Marco Fucking Rubio. Sorry, Mr. Drinkwater, but opposing equality for anyone DOES make you a bigot. And opposing women’s reproductive rights DOES make you a motherfucking chavinist. And all of the above makes you a jackass on the wrong side of history and human rights. If you had anything vaguely resembling a brain, I’d tell you to just think how foolish you’re going to look, not just 40 years from now, but RIGHT NOW.

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30. John Fucking Eastman. Speaking of bigoted people who look foolish right now, imagine how silly you’re going to look when John Roberts takes offence to your personal attacks and rules against you on same-sex marriage and adoptions.

31. Ted Fucking Cruz. Tailgunner Joe’s Reincarnation got a Fein(stein) smackdown when he tried to lecture a certain veteran California senator on the constitution. Oh, the Schadenfreude!

32. Jack Fucking Schaap. Nowhere in any of the Gospels does Jesus endorse statutory rape, much less condone as “Righteousness” a married man telling underage girls that God wants them to climb into bed with him. But I’ll give him full marks for unmitigated fucking chutzpah, anyhow.

33. Peter Fucking Penashue. Why?

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That’s why. PS: Ha, ha. Prepare to lose that by-election, you turd.

34. Ed Fucking Royce. No, Venezuela does NOT need a “Radio Martí”, that travesty bearing the name of a great Cuban patriot for nefarious, imperialistic ends. Venezuela is already inundated with opposition media, all extremely pro-US in tone. And if those crapagandroids can’t do the job for you imperialists, TOO FUCKING BAD. Keep your nose out of that country and all the rest of the world too, thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

35. John Fucking Aglialoro. No, dude, there isn’t any “academic-media complex” out there conspiring against you and your Atlas Shrieked movies. The reason they did so poorly was because they simply sucked. And that’s because they were based on a book that sucked, by an author who sucked, who had a “philosophy” that sucked. And because the people have seen the effects in real life of that philosophy, and politicians themselves “going Galt”, and they find that THAT sucks, too. Good luck with #3, BTW. And good luck with that “conversation” aspect, since, if I recall correctly, nothing Ayn Rand said was a conversation. It was all one big sermon, and a detestable one at that. And isn’t the last part of the book the one where John Galt delivers HIS interminable harangue, too? Bwahahahahahah.

36. Maggie Fucking Lange. Yeah, lady, UPI (owned by the Moonies) is a really credible source for news from Venezuela. Or anywhere! Next time, learn Spanish and exercise some basic reading comprehension; you might find that in fact Nicolás Maduro said nothing at all to the effect of what that Moonie “report” claims he did. Frankly, you’d do just as well to use the National Enquirer, the Globe, or News of the World. Hell, why not just throw BatBoy into the mix, too?

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37. Wayne LaFucking Pierre. Dude, you don’t need no liberal media to make you look crazy, or to make people despise you and the Fucking NRA. You do a good enough job of that all by your widdle wonesome.

38. Scott Fucking Terry. “Why can’t we just have segregation”, you ask? Because it would cost too fucking much to separate all you stupid fucking racists and sexists out from the sane remainder of the general population and plop you on an uninhabited island to fend for your worthless fucking selves. THAT’s why.

39. Reno Fucking Saccoccia. If anyone ever wonders why I give all team sports the big skeptical side-eye, let this guy be your clue. Turning jackass jocks into such untouchable heroes that anything they do — even rape — gets special protection? That’s not coaching, that’s aiding and abetting. And that, too, is a crime.

40. Steve Fucking Katz. It’s commonplace for professional homophobes to turn out to be raging closet cases. I guess the same could also be said for professional marijuanophobes, because guess what this one is? Yup, a pothead.

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41. Tab Denny Fucking Johnson. Here’s a handy-dandy tip for all you disgruntled married folks out there looking for a hitman to dispose of your estranged spouses for you: Try and make sure you haven’t accidentally hired the sheriff to do your dirty work, eh?

42. Donald Fucking Trump. You don’t get to build a ballroom in the White House, and you don’t get to pay yourself in Iraqi oil. You don’t get anything, but I do wish you’d get wrapped up in a straitjacket and taken to a rubber room. You deserve it!

43. Bob Fucking Rae. Oh sure, the Keystone XL pipeline is in our national interest…if by “national interest” you mean lost money, jobs, and oh yeah…POLLUTION.

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44. Stephen Fucking Woodworth. A big fucking dick got shouted down by a giant pink vulva. Somehow, that’s just so fucking fitting. And it should happen more often, in my utterly unhumble opinion.

45. Joe Fucking Oliver. Actually, you CAN be for Canada and against the Keystone XL. In fact, that’s the ONLY pro-Canada position to take, since the pipeline does not benefit us one whit, and only serves the interests of the already way-too-fucking-rich Koch Bros. And again, as with #43, POLLUTION. How is that pro-Canada?

46. Federico Fucking Lombardi. No credible accusations against Cardinal Bergoglio, the new pope? Au contraire, mon frère. There are plenty, and they come from the families of the disappeared, who could only watch in dismay as the Argentine church hierarchy stood by and twiddled its thumbs while the country burned. The fact that he was all too cozy with Videla, Massera and others in the junta should be a major clue that there is blood under his fingernails. But I’m not surprised at this ridiculous denial; after all, this is a hyper-conservative Vatican that has swept all manner of other atrocities against humanity under the rug in the name of tradition, piety and free-market capitalism. Why should this pope be any different?

47. Mark Fucking Warawa. A de facto supporter of violence against women, since he is actively trying to restrict their right to abortion. ’nuff said.

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48. Wilfrid Fucking Fox Fucking Napier. Why the double Fucking? Because the idea that priestly pedophilia is “not a criminal condition” is just doubly fucked up. Tell it to the survivors of priestly abuse, Father…those that haven’t yet killed themselves out of depression and shame, that is. Being VICTIMIZED by a pedophile is not a criminal condition, but you’d never know it to see how victims are actually treated. Honestly, lepers have it better. Meanwhile, priests who abuse them have been coddled, aided and abetted by their own bishops, who seem to think that geography is all that it takes to cure them. Removing them from one “temptation” is not the answer…turning the abusers over to the authorities is! How much longer are good Catholics going to have to beat their heads against that wall before the fucking church gets the message?

49. Ben Fucking Shapiro. Because when you got no charm, you got no brains, you got a bad hairdo and you got no game, why take cultural studies courses? To pick up chicks…and get shot down, poor widdle fing. And then babble about how pointing out racism is racist against poor oppwessed white people, waaaaaaaaaaa.

50. Ann Fucking Coulter. Oh look, the whiny, hysterical, mentally defective Barbie doll is projecting again. Same shit every day. Hey, Coultergeist: Why don’t all you conservabitches just do what you’re always telling liberal and leftist women to do…stop voting, stop having ambitions, go home, and above all, SHUT THE FUCK UP?

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And finally, to the Fucking Vatican. Yay, they elected someone, and this time he’s not even from Europe! We’ve gone straight from the Hitlerjugend to the Argentine Junta. Uh…progress? Meet the new pope…same as the old pope…and the old pope…and the old pope. What am I saying…THEY’RE ALL OLD!!! Popes are old. Popes are poops. And so are their ideas (with the honorable exceptions of John XXIII and John Paul I, who were truly decent and progressive chaps, and therefore ROCKED). I’ve often heard it said of Ratzi that he was the most brilliant mind the 13th century had to offer, and I’m not sure that’s much of a joke. When he got through with the Vatican, it was like Vatican II had never happened. And the latest pope is actually the cardinal who came in second during the last conclave, the one that elected Ratzi (the former chief inquisitor). Which tells me loud and clear that they’ve run out of good ideas over there in Rome.

And that’s scary, this whole backwardness and orthodoxy. Not because I’m afraid of Latin (I learned it at university level, I aced it, it’s standing me in good stead as I learn Spanish, Portuguese and Italian, I actually enjoy it), but because I don’t want to go back to the fucking Middle Ages. And neither does most of the world, developed or otherwise. We like separations of church and state. We like having reproductive rights! We like having the Pill, and safe abortion on demand. We like not getting AIDS. We like not having to be treated with prayers, leeches and superstition for the bubonic plague. We like not being burnt at the stake for heresy. And I particularly like not having my evolution contaminated with nebulous, woman-blaming shit like the doctrine of Original Sin.

And best of all, I like not having to listen to an endless line of sexist, homophobic, ostensibly celibate but probably closeted old geezers with fucked-up ideas trying to fuck up the rest of the world with said ideas. Because I’ve examined those ideas, and found them to be too full of crap for practical, everyday usage. Especially the one that insists that old, sexist, homophobic, ostensibly celibate but probably closeted geezers are Infallible. There is no such thing as papal infallibility, and the very fact that it was formally adopted in the 19th century to the canon of Catholic thought should tell you all you need to know about THAT particular, and very earthly, power-grab. And let’s not kid ourselves; that power-grab reaches way beyond just one Christian sect! Even here, in seemingly liberal, secular, humanistic Canada, the Catholic church still holds inordinate sway over the corridors of power in Ottawa, and in all the provincial and territorial capitals, too. Just the fact that they have publicly funded religious separate schools should tell you that something is fishy here. Nobody else does. (We Wiccans certainly don’t!)

The papacy is obsolete; it is a dictatorship founded on obsolete and unenforceable ideas, and it sustains itself by keeping people in a state of mental and spiritual backwardness. And the fact that it is all too fallible is all too obvious nowadays. No one knows it better than my Catholic friends. They, too, are getting tired and frustrated with all the bullshit. Most of them have been living in more or less open revolt against the hierachy for decades, supporting Liberation Theology, birth control, gay rights, you name it. Anything but a return to the medieval sheepfold!

If St. Malachy’s apocryphal prophecy indeed holds true, and this latest pope is Petrus Romanus, the last one before the end of the papacy, then maybe the best way to greet the end of it all is not with fear and trembling, but with growing spiritual autonomy, intellectual curiosity and hope. Because whatever is coming is surely better than more of the same old same old. And the best way to face it is to turn one’s head forward, not back.

Good night, and get fucked!

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