Wankers of the Week: The Boston Marabomb, Part D’oh

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And welcome to the end of yet another week from hell. This time, with even more stoopid. And here are its leading purveyors, in no particular order:

1. Greg Fucking Ball. Dude. What is all this torture shit? Face facts. Osama bin Laden is dead, and it wasn’t a Repug like you who bagged him. So knock off the pseudo-tough talk about what you and a baseball bat would do. You wouldn’t do fuck-all. At the end of the day, you’re just another full-of-shit right-wing politician — a crappy little jacked-up state senator with a hundred-dollar haircut, manicured fingernails (that you’re probably afraid to chip), and a bully-boy pose that would melt into a pool of luke-warm piss if you ever came face to face with an actual terrorist. You are a colossal wimp, and everybody knows it. Now shut the fuck up!

2. Peter Fucking King. Political correctness be damned, we need to do better surveillance of right-wing politicians. When you can’t tell their rhetoric apart from that of some religious freak with a neck-beard and a turban, it’s time to call them out for what they are: a threat to national security.

3. Ted Fucking Nugent. He’s still not dead or in jail for all his terrorist threats against his own president? Or his stupid utterances about justice and law? I say we lynch him. Hey, it’s only what HE would want!

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4. A.J. Fucking Clemente. Fucking shit. That is all.

5. Brian Fucking Kilmeade. Oh dude, I feel so sorry for you. The ironies around you are just so thick on the ground. You want to racially profile Caucasians? And you want to plant listening devices in the same mosque that kicked out Tamerlan Tsarnaev for his hate-filled rant against Martin Luther King? I understand that he got into it with the imam, of all people. And yet you want that mosque bugged…why? All you’ll hear is the imam calling you a fucking jackass. Which you ARE.

6. Laura Fucking Ingraham. She wants an end to Muslim immigration? I have a better idea. I want an end to whoever is selling her hair bleach. That shit is eating her motherfucking brain.

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7. Sam Fucking Brownback. JESUS + Mary, you’re a misogynous fucking shitbag. How are you any better than the Christofascist terrorists who drove all those women to seek out the back-alley butcher shop run by Kermit Gosnell? Ha, ha, trick question: You’re not. You’re one of them.

8. James Fucking Taranto. Yeah, go right ahead and call Gabby Giffords too brain-damaged to formulate a coherent argument on the very issue that has come to define her entire life. You think that just because her speech and motor functions are impaired, her cognition must also be. Go right ahead and say it: You think she’s retarded, don’t you? Because I’ve got something I’m dying to say too, and I won’t bother to wait for your go-ahead: You, sir, are a fucking asshole. Unlike Gabby, however, you don’t get to put a disability sticker on your windshield. And you don’t deserve anyone else’s patience, compassion or forbearance for your mental deficiency, either.

9. Rand Fucking Paul. Is anyone else slain by the irony of Mr. Liberty wanting the US to become a police state (or more of one than it already is, rather) in response to the Boston bombing? Yes? Oh good. Glad I’m not the only one. PS: Oh, for shame.

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10. Amanda Fucking Palmer. Please stop writing poetry. In fact, please stop writing, period.

11. Bernard Fucking Valcourt. Patronizing, snotty, tone-deaf, arrogant, sexist and racist. In short, just the sort of person I’d expect Harpo to put in charge of Aboriginal Affairs. At this rate, it’s no wonder that Idle No More is still going strong. They’ve got something to go against in this one.

12. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The louder you blat, the faster that brain aneurysm ticks, Rusty. And the more bullshit you spew, the closer it gets to blowing.

13. Adam Fucking Savader. I’m sure you’re as shocked as I am to know that this former Paul Ryan aide has stalked 15 women and used nude photos to blackmail them. And I’m sure you’re as shocked as I am to know that this is just the sort of thing you’d expect an ultra-conservative poli-sci student to do. Which is to say, you’re not shocked at all…are you? PS: A “proud Reagan Republican”? Oh dear, how embarrassing.

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14. Ann Fucking Coulter. Finally, we get to hear the Coultergeist’s grand scheme for liberating all the poor, oppressed, genitally mutilated Muslim women of the world: Jail them just for wearing hijabs! Yeah, that’ll really fix ’em up between the legs, that will. BTW, female genital mutilation is an African thing, not an Islamic thing. But trust the Coultergeist not to know that, or care. She’s just so obsessed with everyone’s reproductive plumbing that it makes me wonder what is up with the hollow pipes between her ears. PS: If it’s mosque surveillance she wants, I wanna know what church she attends. Because all that terrorist talk of hers has got to come from SOMEwhere…

15. Justin Fucking Bieber. So, the pet monkey didn’t last very long. Well, that was a foregone conclusion. Now, if only we could say the same about the other primate…

16. Mark Fucking Sanford. Exactly where are you campaigning for governor? South Carolina, or Argentina? Wherever it is, you’re bound to lose. To Stephen Colbert’s sister, ha ha.

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17. Paul Fucking Cameron. Telling a gay guy to marry a woman won’t change a thing. It will, however, make two people very miserable, and drive one of them to promiscuity and drugs. Which is, by the way, the REAL reason so many gay guys died of AIDS not so long ago. It wasn’t being gay that did it; it was being an outcast and seeking solace in futility. And it was the criminal negligence of fascist quacks like Paul Fucking Cameron that was largely to blame for that outcast status in the first place.

18. Ray Fucking Canterbury. Make kids work as janitors for their school lunches? I have a better idea: How about making all the elected Repugs who propose “workfare” solutions like this work as janitors in hospitals for all the “free” healthcare they’re getting at public expense? After all, they haven’t earned it…and it would teach them a valuable life lesson, too. Like, for example, how immoral it is to force hungry children to work for the food they need to help them concentrate in class.

19. Ludmila Fucking Vinogradoff. Earlier on, I had a sample of her handiwork up on my blog. Well, now, it turns out that not only is she a shitty “journalist” (note the quotes; as always, there for a reason!), she is also a paid-off presstitute for none other than Majunche Capriles Radonski. And she’s even been photographed, smiling, with her very media-connected pimp. Gee, what are the odds???

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20. Kory Fucking Teneycke. Speaking of presstitutes, FUX Snooze North’s point-boy (or should we say rent-boy?) was before the CRTC this week, making the lame excuse that Canadians already pay for channels they don’t watch and don’t want all the time, and so what’s one more? Ask the people whose pockets you’re trying to pick, Kory, they would know. You, on the other hand, are utterly clueless. And deeply irony-impaired, too, since Sun “News” (note the quotes) takes a “free market” position…but then, when the actual free market speaks and they don’t like what it’s saying, they try to censor it AND commit highway robbery at the same time. PS: Sign, sign, sign.

21. James Fucking McCormick. Fake bomb detectors that cost an arm and a leg? That’s a wank for now. But if anyone had died, or lost an actual arm or leg using them, it would have been MURDER.

22. Scott Fucking Gessler. Isn’t it illegal for a secretary of state to interfere with the voting process of his state? And isn’t it racist for a fraudulent “vote fraud prevention” group to cut a brown face out of its mailer and stick a white one in its place?

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23. Steve Fucking Kush. Yeah, a raise in the minimum wage is “radical”, and a young woman who has the temerity to campaign for it is a “bitch”. Because we all know that her real place is in the home, barefoot and pregnant, and dependent on a shittily paid man who beats the fuck out of her as a futile way of getting back at what’s REALLY eating him. Either that, or it’s in prostitution, because that’s the only way a dirty old man like you would ever get access to her cute young tush. Right?

24. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Gays are just like shoplifters. Yup, yup, yup. Only one question: What the hell do they steal?

25. Rob Fucking Ford. Yup, he still plans on defunding Pride Toronto, only closer to when it actually all goes down. Which I suspect he is doing just to be even more of a fucking shitbag over QuAIA. BTW, let’s not forget that this is the same clown who raised money for his charity using the city’s mayoral letterhead.

26. Chris Fucking Karpan. No, of course being fingered up the ass, and being penis-whipped, does not constitute sexual assault unless someone tells the victim it is. Because that’s totally how those things work, right?

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27. Peter Fucking McKay. A fine defence minister he’s shaping up to be. He’s visibly rattled by questions (and there are many) about his so-called patriotism, as well as his competence to do the job? At some point, he’s gonna have to take off the propeller beanie, put his willy away, and grow the fuck up. But frankly, Canadians would all prefer that he do that OUT of office. Because IN office, he’s been nothing but a dweeb.

28. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. And speaking of rattled, Rush just heard a giant flushhhhhhh. That’s the sound of his sponsors going down the drain, in response to progressives putting (and keeping) the pressure on. Excrement in Broadcasting could soon be no more! Yay, free market! PS: Ha, ha.

29. Dave Fucking Leach. Yeah, sure, you don’t mean any harm. You aren’t really a stochastic terrorist. You just said that killing abortion providers is a “blessing to babies”. Kinda like washing them in the blood of a lamb, eh? Actually, a REAL blessing to babies would be providing more options — contraception, abortion, social welfare — to their MOTHERS. But that’s not what it’s really about with you sadistic old jezebel-floggers, is it?

30. Donald Fucking Trump. Jon Stewart is JEWISH? Oh. Em. Gee. I never knew! Actually, that’s never been a secret. And nobody seriously cares, because Jon is brilliant and funny as hell. Just as no one is truly surprised to learn that Da Donald is an antisemite as well as an all-around fucking prick who thinks he’s smarter than Jon.

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31. Paul Fucking Kokoski. Finally, the truth emerges: Satan is a born-again Christian, and his little helper is a hateful wingnut who thinks he gets to set the gay agenda. (Pay no attention to that loud whooping noise, that’s just my gaydar going off big-time. AGAIN.)

32. Marco Fucking Rubio. “Nobody has a right to immigrate to the United States”, says the right-wing ex-Cuban who enjoys that right precisely because he’s a right-wing ex-Cuban. I say kick him back to where he came from and let Fidel and Raúl take care of him.

33. Stacey Fucking Campfield. Yuh huh huh, you’re so fucking funny. “Guns don’t kill people, pressure cookers kill people!” Priceless. And no, you haven’t “exposed” anything…except the fact that you have a really, really small dick. To match your brain, natch.

34. Joe Fucking Oliver. Science is so haaaaard! Yeah, especially when it hits your ass like a canoe paddle, eh Joey? Unfortunately, just like Teh Ghey, climate science and global warming refuse to be prayed away. Or SCOLDED away, in your uncouth case.

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35. Dean Fucking Saxton. Women “deserve rape” for “dressing like a whore”? Well, “Brother” Dean, by that same token, you deserve a kick in the dick. In your teeny, tiny, inadequate little dick. Because by preaching shit like that, you’re asking for it!

36. George W. Fucking Bush. I guess we had to commemorate the opening of his “presidential” library somehow, so here it is: a library of fifty of the many, many more ways in which Dubya fucking SUCKED.

37. Eric Fucking Bolling. You don’t remember any terrorist attacks during #36’s reign of terror and error? Um, how about 9-11? And all the subsequent warmongering that he and his PNAC buddies did. That terrorism enough for ya?

38. Christie Fucking Blatchford. When the father of a rape victim takes you to task (however gently) for your crappy reporting and your dirty insinuations about his daughter (who, incidentally, is no longer alive to defend herself), it’s time to hang up your old manual typewriter, already. Actually, your time was long ago, you nasty, stinking harpy.

39. Andrés Fucking Kroboth. Why?

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That’s why. He calls for the death of an elected leader. A freely, fairly, CLEANLY elected leader. At the hands of the CIA. And then he has the gall to say shit about sovereignty? Check your pitiyankism there, dude. Your boy lost, so GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

40. Tony Fucking Clement. Oh great. Pork Barrel Tony is hell-bent on bringing Mordor to Ontario. Time to rig up a gallows in the gazebo!

41. Pat Fucking Robertson. Planned Parenthood, “worse than Hitler”? As usual, Patwa’s convoluted “logic” (note the quotes) and his extremely loose marshalling of the facts is an awesome sight to behold. Or an awesome earful of glurge; take your pick.

42. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Gomer! Are you back again this week? Yes Ah am, surprise, surprise, surprise! And what is it this week, Gomer? Obama! Muslim Brotherhood! Bungle bungle! Booga booga booga! Well, gee, Gomer, thanks for that. You’re as uninformative as ever.

43. John Fucking Sullivan. Physical exercise prevents Teh Ghey? Well, that would explain all the lesbians teaching Phys Ed, and all the awesomely brawny gay guys parading their pecs at Pride. To be frank, I’ve never seen a better-exercised bunch of people than the queers, and my unathletic hat is off to them. I’m sorry, you were saying…?

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44. Michelle Fucking Rhee. And while we’re on the subject of Teh Ghey, I bet you’re wondering who’s responsible for that awful Tennessee education bill, the one that says that you can’t even SAY gay, much less tell students what it means and why it’s normal. Well, you can stop wondering: SHE is. Her far-right education-fuckery group provided funding to help elect one of the shitheads who put that abomination out there. And now she’s awarded him a “reformer” prize, too! I propose a new rule: Not even contemplating anything that this education deformer proposes.

45. Glenn Fucking Beck. He left FUX Snooze to save his soul? Joke’s on you, Biff, you haven’t got one.

46. Lisa Fucking Williams. Who knew that gay pride would one day be a source of shame for San Francisco, not to mention an expression of crass commericalism and craven cowardice combined? Bradley Manning is the greatest living hero the LGBT community has, but to hear her tell it, he’s a virtual leper. While the truths he revealed are fueling various Arab Spring liberation movements, they’re sending the organizers of what’s arguably the biggest North American LGBT community party into a tailspin. If things keep going HER way, they’ll all end up right back in the closet. And who do you suppose would want such a thing? That’s right, the same people who discriminate against LGBTs in the military. And who oppose same-sex marriage and adoption, and even the right to say gay in school. Not to mention those who uphold the age-old corporate privilege of discriminating against anyone they don’t like, especially if that person is queer. Shame, shame, SHAME.

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47. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Figures that Fuckerberg is in favor of Keystone XL and the Mordorization of the world. I guess he really does believe that you can eat, sleep and breathe money, because I’ve never seen him lift a finger for anything but. (Except, of course, his middle finger. At us.)

48. Alex Fucking Jones. Finally, all the whackjobs infesting the Internets have their own dating site, thanks to him. Now, if they would only all pack up their tinfoil and go to their own desert island, and duke it out over the coconuts…

49. Judith Fucking Miller. Yeah, surprise…Dubya’s favorite stenographer is ba-ack! And predictably, she’s pushing the kind of “anti-terror” measures he would have wu-uvved. Too bad that her theories aren’t borne out by fact; the NYPD may be stopping and frisking everyone they see who’s even a little bit brown, but the fact that no NYC mosque has ever been responsible for a terrorist attack dates back to long before that, anyhow.

50. Condi Fucking Rice. Another unwelcome figure from the Dark Days of Dubya resurfaces. And, just like #49, she’s defending bad procedures that haven’t made anyone safe from anything. Condi, you shoulda stuck to piano-playing.

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And finally, to all the hateful trolls who pooped here this week. Special dishonorable mentions go to “The Cat”, of Rocky Mount, North Carolina, at 67.235.36.159; “Justice First”, disgracefully squatting in Toronto, at 216.58.54.138; and of course, my old pal “Kepler”, better to be known as Krapler, at 91.178.59.206. That’s in Hainaut, Belgium. Funny how not a single one of you so-called friends of Venezuela is actually IN Venezuela. You poor sad sacks, I would feel a lot sorrier for you if people weren’t dying in Venezuela as a direct result of the bullshit you’re backing. You’re not funny; you’re all fucking despicable. I hope you get lots of spam. And if any of you happen to be linked to putschist plots, I hope you also get busted.

Good night, and get fucked!

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