Wankers of the Week: Hey, hey, NSA…

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a special load of chicken crap for our “friends” in the NSA, who probably heard every keystroke as I was typing this. Yes, they’ve been listening in on everyone in the US, and Bog only knows where all else. Terra! Terra! Terra! Whether they actually heard anything of import to national security was another matter. (PS: Ha, ha.) But never fear, they’re still listening. And so am I, and this is who I heard this week…playing with themselves and generally getting up to no good, in no particular order:

1 and 2. Sarah and Todd Fucking Palin. Yes, this time it’s the two of them, fapping à deux. Apparently Google Glass isn’t good enough for them to try unless there’s “something in it” for them. Something spelled M-O-N-E-Y, no doubt.

3. Mark Fucking O’Mara. Not all lawyers are slimeballs, but this one seems fully bent on justifying the stereotype. Yeah, sure, Trayvon Martin will be proven to be the aggressor, and civil rights will accordingly take a bullet to the head. Except that he’s not the one on trial, and he’s not the one who had the police record for playing cop without a badge, and he’s also not the one who was heard to say “fucking coon” on a 911 tape. So there’s that.

4. Ben Fucking Stein. So, caring about a clean environment and water that’s fit to drink, and wanting your world not contaminated with bituminous sludge and chemicals, not to mention having a social safety net that works, makes one “mentally diseased and defective”, now? Only in the fever swamp of a greed-ridden pissbucket’s Swiss-cheese brain. Yeah, that’s right, kiddies…Benny-boy is projecting all his vile bile onto the rest of us, as usual.

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5. George W. Fucking Bush. Well, looky here…Dubya crawled out of his spider hole and made the cut this week. Paying lip service to disabled veterans is the most breathtakingly cynical thing he can do, short of forbidding the media to show the caskets of the dead coming home. (Which he HAS done, as well.) Dubya, it all means worse than nothing coming from you, since you’re the one who sent them to kill, die or get limbs blown off (not to mention their brains rattled in their skulls, not to mention PTSD), and then cut their VA benefits when they came home in something other than a box. Honestly, you’re lucky they didn’t bionically kill your smirking ass.

6. Geoffrey Fucking Miller. OMG, these evol-psych profs. I can’t even. Isn’t it hilarious that he thinks that fat people have no self-restraint…and he just HAD to take to the tweeter to express it? And then later to backtrack, saying he’d been too impulsive? More likely, whoever was in charge of deciding his tenure had seen it. Dear Impulsive Idiot: Learn to think before you tweet. PS: Oh dear. Ha, ha.

7. Heath Fucking Campbell. Neo-Nazis really shouldn’t be allowed to breed, much less name their kids. I feel sorry for this guy’s brood. Especially since there are four of them. Imagine growing up with such an asshat for a father…ugh…teh FACEPALM. Let’s hope that whoever ends up raising them lets them pick better names for themselves.

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8. Glenn Fucking Beck. No, Biff, no civil rights leaders are listening to you…except, maybe, to laugh and shake their heads at what an up-your-own-ass fucking rube you are. And also, what a fucking RACIST.

9. Mark Fucking Regnerus, AGAIN. Gasp! A religious rightard? With an ugly chinbeard? I never would have guessed. And what is that whooping noise? Dang, dude set my gaydar off. Must have been the smell of mothballs he exudes. PS: Ha, ha.

10. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. Figures that she’s right behind Wanker #9, coaching him with audible stage whispers. If you ever need proof that religion should have no place in politics OR science, look no further.

11. Tony Fucking Blair. If he says there is “a problem within Islam”, then there’s an even bigger one within Dubya’s Poodle. I guess what I’m trying to say here is, GET STUFFED, TOADY BLIAR.

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12. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Oh, Bowtie Boy says an atheist monument “will be vandalized”? Well, if it is, we’ll all make a note of who led the charge to scrawl that ugly graffiti. It’ll be a smug, smirky, superannuated frat boy with floppy hair, who was born with a silver spoon up his ass. And who is more than old enough to know better.

13 and 14. Rick Fucking Wiles and Larry Fucking Jacobs. No, Russia’s anti-gay laws are not protecting anyone from anything. Gay kids are getting beaten up because of them. But do THEY care? NOOOOOO! That’s “pro-family” for you…it’s not what they’re FOR, it’s what they’re AGAINST.

15. Bob Fucking Paulson. Harassment within the RCMP is “a game of cat and mouse”? No, dipshit, it’s not a “game”. It’s a seriously toxic work environment, and it is impeding law enforcement and numerous invstigations! Honestly, where do they find all these dim bulb apologists?

16. Marsha Fucking Blackburn. More proof that if you’re a female conservative, you’re a conservative first, and a woman dead last. No, idiotess, women don’t want “recognition” more than equal pay. Equal pay IS recognition…that our work is of equal value. And when you’re voted out of office, you’ll see just what value YOUR work has.

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17. Bill Fucking Dombrowski. California trying to recoup what Wal-Mart is costing its taxpayers is a “job-killer”? Tell it to your rivals at Costco, Bill. They pay THEIR employees enough that none of them need state aid…in ANY state. Why, I bet their employees are even helping to keep the state afloat! And good luck trying to use nasty-wasty union bosses for a smokescreen, too. As though that tactic were not already old as the hills, and tired as hell.

18. Erick Fucking Erickson, AGAIN. Oops, looks like stats and facts have proven him and all his sexist co-religionists wrong. Gee, what are the odds?

19 and 20. Shelly Fucking Glover and James Fucking Bezan. Failing to file your election paperwork is a major democratic no-no. It will be so much fun to see Harpo’s so-called majority shrink by two seats…and there will surely be more to come, too.

21. Preston Fucking Manning. Naheed Nenshi rhymes with menschy, and that’s no coincidence. Preston Fucking Manning rhymes with banning, and THAT’s no coincidence, either.

22. Saxby Fucking Chambliss. Again with the rape culture, and the idea that it’s “natural”? Dude, talk to me about nature when you get that splintery broom handle out of your ass, after Karma gets through with you. PS: Ha, ha.

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23. Cindy Fucking Jacobs. Actually, Native people have NOTHING to repent, atone or apologize for, much less renounce…unless it’s falling for the lies of missionaries who brainwashed them with the same racist, bigoted bullshit that YOU are now spouting. (And even then, it’s the preachers who should apologize…to THEM.)

24. Gareth Fucking Morgan. I can only hope that when this sadistic bastard kicks the bucket, his corpse will be savaged by marauding cats. IN NEW ZEALAND.

25. Sean Fucking Parker. Rivendell is a place out of fiction, you stupid fuck. Leave it the hell in the book where it belongs, and don’t fuck with the environment. Just because you’re stinking rich doesn’t make you a fucking king, you know.

26. John Fucking Hembling. Some of the good folks at Manboobz call him John the Otter (in reference to his nom de fume, John the Other), but I think that’s being entirely too nice to him, and unconscionably mean to otters (who, unlike this silly old fart, are absolutely adorable). How about John the Bothered, since he’s such a delicate widdle fish egg and so easily offended by anyone who won’t dance nicely in line with masculist/male supremacist shithead theory? Yeah, I think I’m gonna go with that when referring to him from now on.

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27. Younis Fucking Makhyoun. If anyone ever wonders why Ethiopia is always so famine- and drought-ridden, or so under-developed, you need look no further than across its borders. Or up the Nile, as it were. That’s where you’ll find the foreign politicians who keep fucking Ethiopia up. And who keep embarrassing Egypt, Sudan, and God only knows who all else.

28. Joe Fucking Francis. So who says there’s no such thing as Karma? There is, and She (yes, SHE) has just opened a can of whoop on his ass. Everybody, on my count: One, two, three…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

29. Vladimir Fucking Putin. Even his long-suffering wife has finally had enough of Pooty-Poot. I wonder what did it…work-related separations, all the rumored affairs, or just the sight of his virile naked man-boobs galloping around on horseback one time too many? Unfortunately, nobody who would know is talking, and that can only mean one thing: The KGB has threatened to kill them.

30. Peter Fucking Munk. Gang rape is a “cultural habit” in Papua New Guinea? No, it’s a “cultural habit” only wherever male workers are concentrated in inhumane working conditions, and local women aren’t valued by the corporate ownership either. In short, it’s only a “cultural habit” wherever Barrick Gold is raping the landscape. (See what I did there? Okay, now SIGN.)

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31. Simon Fucking Lokodo. And while we’re on the subject of local rape cultures, how about this Ugandan politician? I guess raping girls is supposed to cure Teh Ghey, or something? I can’t make a particle of sense out of his shit-ridiculous argument that there is a “right kind of child rape”. Uh, rape is ALL wrong. ALL OF IT. End of discussion!

32. Pamela Fucking Wallin. Oh me, oh my. Looks like Pammy-pie is gonna have to go to Harpo’s secret bagman to pay back her false expense claims, too. Although she made more than enough as a corporate director to pay it all back with interest, frankly…

33. Chuck Fucking Klosterman. Fuck honor codes! Want to cheat “ethically”? Ask him how. Just don’t be surprised if the two or more profs to whom you submitted the same essay actually know each other and start comparing notes. Because, you know, collegiality is very collegial in colleges, and all that.

34. April Fucking Sims. She made racist remarks on Facebook (she was an emergency operator in Dallas), and then she “stands by every word” and “does not apologize”? Well, good. That means she can be unceremoniously fired. And that the local 911 can stand by that, and not apologize to HER, either.

35. Rand Fucking Paul. Some libertarian HE turns out to be, apparently neither knowing nor caring that the NSA has been spying on US citizens (and who knows who all else) for the past 7 years. Turn in your card, Randy…and your copy of Atlas Shrieked, too.

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36. Mitt Fucking Romney. No, Willard, the IRS and Hurricane Sandy did NOT cause you to lose to Obama. Your own robotic personality, tax evasion, and blatantly out-of-touch rich bastard attitude did that. Now STFU already, you sore fucking loser.

37. Roy Fucking Costner the Fourth. Yes, there were three more where he came from, and in due course there will probably be a Fifth. And I’m willing to bet he’ll be just as self-righteously obnoxious as his old man was at his high-school graduation this week, when he “protested” a perfectly constitutional end to unconstitutional graduation prayers by ripping up his “inspirational” speech and recited the same mealy mouthful of gibberish I recall dutifully blurbing my way through, every damn last school day, from Kindergarten through Grade 13. (And sometimes, later on, merely bowing my head and not bothering to blurb.) Honestly, if the intent here was to show piety and devotion, it’s a fail. If you’re really THAT big on praying, Roy, go do it where Jesus said to: IN YOUR LITTLE CLOSET. (I prefer to do it silently, out in nature where nobody but the trees can see me, but then again, I also don’t have that pious-prick thing going on.) PS: Oh dear. What have we here? A liar? Jesus doesn’t like it when you lie, Roy.

38 and 39. Michael Fucking Savage and Allen Fucking West. Yes, let’s all trivialize sexual assault in the military. How better to make sure that it goes right on happening unchecked?

40. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Care to explain why your carefully-worded denial reads suspiciously identical to the Google guys’ also-carefully-worded denial that they were collaborating with the NSA on the Prison — er, PRISM — project? PS: Oh, wait. Never mind!

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And finally, to the New York state senate. Yes, all of them. Or at least all of them who voted to make it a felony to “harass” a cop. I predict that this piece of ham-handed legislation, like “Stand Your Ground”, will promptly be abused by some blowhard with an ax to grind, a bone to pick, a beef with whomever, or just a perfectly legitimate, peaceful protest to quash — and will help them to get away with murder should it ever go to trial or a civil lawsuit. WTF, NY? Just when I thought you had a kind of cool state there, you fucking blew it. It’s really a toss-up between this and PRISM as to which is a greater infringement on civil rights and liberties. At this rate, I’m going to have to start spelling those words with asterisks, because they no longer mean what I thought they meant.

Good night, and get fucked!

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