Crappy weekend, everyone! Since we got so many wankers of the sheet-wearing persuasion this week, in the wake of the Trayvon murder kangaroo court verdict, it’s gonna be an all-racist theme issue. And the stench of death is stupefying. So grab your nose plugs, because here they come, in no particular order:
1. Ann Fucking Coulter. First cracker out of the box, the Coultergeist, with her predictably vile one-word tweet celebrating the triumph (and banality) of evil. Cackle all you want, bitch, but you are still on the wrong side of history, always were, and always will be. And all your vicious racist gloating won’t change THAT. PS: And neither will your fucking bullshit.
2. Steve Fucking King. No, Barack Obama had NOTHING to do with George Zimmerman having to stand trial for the first-degree murder of Trayvon Martin. If a man shoots a kid, he’s gonna have to stand trial regardless…at least, under a state with a working justice system. The fact that it took massive public outcry and protest (NOT intervention from the president) to bring it to that, is proof that Florida does NOT have a working justice system.
3. Karl Fucking Rove. Hey Turdblossom, don’t you have a prison cell to get into, or something? Fucking hurry it up, because you’re wasting a lot of oxygen and causing a lot of air pollution out here in freedom, you vile, disgusting motherfucker.
4. Tucker Fucking Carlson. I have the strangest feeling that what Bowtie Boy is really trying to say, in his chickenshit way, is that ALL black men are “hustlers and pimps”, not just Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. Well, y’know what? I’m just gonna go right ahead and say that all rich white conservative fratboys are assholes. Because I’ve met a great many black guys who were neither hustlers nor pimps — but so far, not a single right-wing white guy with money who wasn’t an asshole!
5. Newt Fucking Gingrich. You can always count on an old white right-winger from down south to project onto others what he himself would like to organize his own to do, and what he himself is too cowardly to do without a lot of dog-whistling. And lo and behold, there’s Newty, taking a break from the schtupping of his Stepford Wife to claim that peaceful anti-racist protesters are a “lynch mob”. How boringly predictable of him, and how disappointed he must be to see that nothing of the sort has happened anywhere!
6. D.L. Fucking Foster. Speaking of projection, get a load of this one. He thinks preachers who support gay rights and equal marriage are “Jim Crow racists” and “just like slave owners”. Um, HOW? How in the name of fucking HELL…aw, who cares. I’m just glad my head’s not full of this brand of fuck.
7. Angela Fucking Corey. You can wipe that creepy grin off your face, lady, we all know you lost on purpose. The only question is, how much ALEC money was in it for you?
8. Juror B-Fucking-37. Since we don’t know her real name yet, she’s being wanklisted under her pseudonym, which I assume will also apply to that book she’s planning to write about her icky infatuation with George Fucking Zimmerman. And about how racist she’s so not, because Those People Started It, and whatever other grossness and idiocy she plans on killing trees about. PS: Oops. Ha, ha. Guess now we’ll never read that magnum opus…what a shame. PPS: Seriously, shut the fuck up and go the hell away, lady. Your 15 minutes were up 20 minutes ago. We don’t care if you plan on praying for Trayvon’s parents or trashing them for raising a careless kid who got his ass killed — we just don’t want to hear any of it.
9. Mark Fucking O’Mara. Yeah, people wanting justice for a murdered teenager are just a “fringe element”. One very, very, LARGE “fringe element”. You lying fucking baggy-eyed bastard. I hope somebody stands their ground against YOU.
10. Jim Fucking Hoft. Hey Gateway Pissant, when are you going to remove that fake riot video from your silly blog? That’s not Miami, you know. There’s no Harper in charge there, no War Measures Act, and no mountains. That was Vancouver during the Stanley Cup riots, you dimwitted dipshit!
11. Robert Fucking Zimmerman, Jr. And speaking of pissants, get a load of the irony impairment on this one:
Yeah, just like Georgie-Porgie did with Trayvon. PS: Stop lying, pissant.
12. George Fucking Zimmerman. Yeah, let’s just throw him right in next to his pissant brother. He lost no time demanding that black people apologize to him. For what? Being “fucking coons” who “always get away with it”? Or for being able to accurately spot the creepy-ass cracker’s racism? PS: This alone makes that demand invalid. Ha, ha.
13. Ted Fucking Nugent. Still a drug-addled, pants-shitting, cowardly freak after all these years, I see. And all too happy to project his own racism onto others, including a kid who is too dead to defend himself against this barrage of bullshittery. Too bad I’ve already eaten Ted’s lunch as far as the “cut and dried self-defense” angle goes. (And the “Trayvon was the racist” one, too.) PS: Ted, you seem angry. Would you like some Skittles?
14. Dinalynn Fucking Andrews Potter. She assaulted Lester Chambers for dedicating the song “People Get Ready” to Trayvon Martin? And she blamed not only the victim of the murder, but the singer, too? What the fuck was this crazy racist bitch doing at a soul concert, anyway? Jayzus.
15. Rick Fucking Perry. Shut the fuck up, Crotch. And go home. You’re drunk!
16. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Oh, for the fuck of shit, Billo. You’re drunk too! What’s to like about a country where everything is rigged in favor of the worst possible outcome? Or where assholes like you can make a career out of being assholes, who accuse others of hating their country when all that they want from it is justice?
17. Pat Fucking Robertson. Predictably, Patwa went there. “There” being the place where only hoodlums wear hoodies, and hoodlums are invariably black, and therefore, it was okay for you-know-who to shoot you-know-whom, because the young punk would never have amounted to shit anyway. Hey, old croaker — I’m white, I’m over 40, I wear a hoodie, and I’ve never had so much as a jaywalking ticket. Just fucking die already, wouldja?
18. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Predictably, the Pigman went there. “There” being the place where it’s all right for white people to call black people niggers, because slavery and Jim Crow never happened. And because Rachel Jeantel said it with an -a on the end. And because Lord knows nothing else is running through Ol’ Rushbo’s head all day anyway. Hey, Pigman — sure it’s all right for you to use that word, with an -er OR an -a on the end. Just like it’s okay for you to call women sluts and end up with not even so much as a PSA running on your flyblown radio show anymore. Hey, you can afford to lose even more advertisers and stations — right? PS: Ha, ha.
19. Richard Fucking Cohen. Oh, so it’s “understandable” that Trayvon Martin was profiled and summarily executed for Walking While Black? Or was it Walking While Black and In Possession of Candy and Non-Alcoholic Beverage? Either way, only a racist fuckhead would think there was anything “understandable” about this. But then again, Richard Fucking Cohen is a fuckhead anyway…about so very many things, including sex and Chavecito. And race. Definitely race.
20. Thomas Fucking Sowell. As it would be awkward for a black man of the punditocracy to blame a black kid for his own murder, Uncle Thomas (yes, that’s right, he’s one of THOSE) reaches for the next most convenient target. Namely, the not-all-black-and-not-all-white president. Oh yeah, and all the smoking guns in the world aren’t enough evidence to convict George Fucking Zimmerman, in Uncle Thomas’s view. Well, thanks for that very coherent pro-racist viewpoint, Tits-on-a-Bull.
21. Alveda Fucking King. Another Uncle Tom? Sure sounds like it. I don’t know what else to call a person who thinks that allowing injustice to pass unprotested (and unredressed) is furthering racial harmony — after all, that’s what the character by that name did!
22. Suzanne Fucking Venker. And while we’re on the subject of Uncle Toms and other strange mutant creatures who bat for the wrong team and end up hitting themselves in the face, how about Little Suzie Wanker, the niece of that living fossil, Phyllis Fucking Schlafly? Yup, this week she decided to come right out and tell us that white men are the most oppressed creatures on Earth. Her rationale? Sitcoms in which white dads are made to look dumb. For not being able to distinguish between fiction and reality, she wins the coved Dan Quayle Dim Bulb Award.
23. Kathleen Fucking Parker. Clown Hall wouldn’t be complete without a bevy of buffoons, all full of air like hot balloons. And in her case, the hot air is all about how “common sense” it is to racially profile people. Careful, blondie, you wouldn’t want anyone thinking you were DUMB, would you?
24. Larry Fucking Elder. And back again from Clown Hall to Uncle Tom’s cabin. What the fuck is up with these black conservahacks? Are they really THAT willing to bend over backwards to “prove” how totally-not-racist their white counterparts are, by throwing a black girl under the proverbial bus and shaming her for a speech impediment? Sure looks that way. And it sure makes them look like shits.
25. Mike Fucking Barnicle. He thinks black kids have no ambition beyond next Friday night? Shockingly, they do, and it goes pretty damn high. Trayvon wanted to be an aeronautical engineer. And there are lots of other ambitious kids just like him out there. Mike, ol’ son, you got SERVED.
26 and 27. These two smirky fucking pieces of white trash right here. They’re too chickenshit to come out and say “nigger” themselves, so they let their black shirts do it for them. Ha, ha, how clever…they ain’t. Guess they were also disappointed that they didn’t get their riot. Don’t be too upset, guys, at least you didn’t get your sorry asses kicked. Even though you thoroughly deserved it.
PS: The Fucking Wichita Police are hereby also duly noted as racist colluders. Also, assholes.
28. Rick Fucking Scott. What, not a word to say about “Shoot First and Shoot to Kill” — oh sorry, “Stand Your Ground”? What kind of “standing your ground” is that when the state governor can’t (or WON’T) even stand up to answer questions and defend his shitty state’s shitty laws? Maybe we should rename that law the Chickenshit Racist White Dude law.
29. Sean Fucking Hannity. And it wouldn’t be a Kluker rally without your regularly scheduled dose of fauxtrage from the Baby Jesus, who thinks pot is some kind of hard drug. Meanwhile, his cracker audience remains strung out on crystal meth, shouting racist cheers from between ever fewer and fewer teeth.
30 and 31. Steve Fucking Malzberg and Erik Fucking Rush. See above, and add paranoia and bug-outs. Also common meth-head symptoms, BTW.
32. Jamie Fucking Colby. Figures that a FUX Snoozer would try to fish for some kind of suitably racist justifications from #11 in the wake of the president’s speech on the shitfuckery that is Florida law. Astonishingly, he didn’t take the bait…THIS time.
33. Ted Fucking Cruz. Meanwhile, a predictable wingnut predictably doesn’t disappoint. Guns! God! Gargle! It’s all there, folks. And he produced all that without even having heard a word of the speech in question. Give that man a booby prize, because he sure as hell is a boob.
34. Jesse Lee Fucking Peterson. And again with the Uncle Tom-ism. Srsly, how scary IS it to admit that Jim Crow never fucking died, and that those who have the guts to say so are right? This dude sounds just like his white wingnut counterparts. Right down to the epithets he calls them. Shame!
35. Larry Fucking Pratt. Oh noes, the president spoke out against gun violence. Attention, all gun nuts — on the defensive! Benghazi! Benghazi!! Benghazi!!!
And finally, to all the racists on Twitter (representative examples here and here) who took to the Internets to trumpet their racism loud and proud, to make absurdly false claims of how no one would say boo if it were a black man shooting a white, and to express their satisfaction with a blatant miscarriage of justice. You can delete your accounts and your postings, but your shame will live on.
Good night, and get fucked!