Wankers of the Week: Hell, hell, the Klan’s all here


Crappy weekend, everyone! Since we got so many wankers of the sheet-wearing persuasion this week, in the wake of the Trayvon murder kangaroo court verdict, it’s gonna be an all-racist theme issue. And the stench of death is stupefying. So grab your nose plugs, because here they come, in no particular order:

1. Ann Fucking Coulter. First cracker out of the box, the Coultergeist, with her predictably vile one-word tweet celebrating the triumph (and banality) of evil. Cackle all you want, bitch, but you are still on the wrong side of history, always were, and always will be. And all your vicious racist gloating won’t change THAT. PS: And neither will your fucking bullshit.

2. Steve Fucking King. No, Barack Obama had NOTHING to do with George Zimmerman having to stand trial for the first-degree murder of Trayvon Martin. If a man shoots a kid, he’s gonna have to stand trial regardless…at least, under a state with a working justice system. The fact that it took massive public outcry and protest (NOT intervention from the president) to bring it to that, is proof that Florida does NOT have a working justice system.

3. Karl Fucking Rove. Hey Turdblossom, don’t you have a prison cell to get into, or something? Fucking hurry it up, because you’re wasting a lot of oxygen and causing a lot of air pollution out here in freedom, you vile, disgusting motherfucker.


4. Tucker Fucking Carlson. I have the strangest feeling that what Bowtie Boy is really trying to say, in his chickenshit way, is that ALL black men are “hustlers and pimps”, not just Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. Well, y’know what? I’m just gonna go right ahead and say that all rich white conservative fratboys are assholes. Because I’ve met a great many black guys who were neither hustlers nor pimps — but so far, not a single right-wing white guy with money who wasn’t an asshole!

5. Newt Fucking Gingrich. You can always count on an old white right-winger from down south to project onto others what he himself would like to organize his own to do, and what he himself is too cowardly to do without a lot of dog-whistling. And lo and behold, there’s Newty, taking a break from the schtupping of his Stepford Wife to claim that peaceful anti-racist protesters are a “lynch mob”. How boringly predictable of him, and how disappointed he must be to see that nothing of the sort has happened anywhere!

6. D.L. Fucking Foster. Speaking of projection, get a load of this one. He thinks preachers who support gay rights and equal marriage are “Jim Crow racists” and “just like slave owners”. Um, HOW? How in the name of fucking HELL…aw, who cares. I’m just glad my head’s not full of this brand of fuck.

7. Angela Fucking Corey. You can wipe that creepy grin off your face, lady, we all know you lost on purpose. The only question is, how much ALEC money was in it for you?


8. Juror B-Fucking-37. Since we don’t know her real name yet, she’s being wanklisted under her pseudonym, which I assume will also apply to that book she’s planning to write about her icky infatuation with George Fucking Zimmerman. And about how racist she’s so not, because Those People Started It, and whatever other grossness and idiocy she plans on killing trees about. PS: Oops. Ha, ha. Guess now we’ll never read that magnum opus…what a shame. PPS: Seriously, shut the fuck up and go the hell away, lady. Your 15 minutes were up 20 minutes ago. We don’t care if you plan on praying for Trayvon’s parents or trashing them for raising a careless kid who got his ass killed — we just don’t want to hear any of it.

9. Mark Fucking O’Mara. Yeah, people wanting justice for a murdered teenager are just a “fringe element”. One very, very, LARGE “fringe element”. You lying fucking baggy-eyed bastard. I hope somebody stands their ground against YOU.

10. Jim Fucking Hoft. Hey Gateway Pissant, when are you going to remove that fake riot video from your silly blog? That’s not Miami, you know. There’s no Harper in charge there, no War Measures Act, and no mountains. That was Vancouver during the Stanley Cup riots, you dimwitted dipshit!

11. Robert Fucking Zimmerman, Jr. And speaking of pissants, get a load of the irony impairment on this one:


Yeah, just like Georgie-Porgie did with Trayvon. PS: Stop lying, pissant.

12. George Fucking Zimmerman. Yeah, let’s just throw him right in next to his pissant brother. He lost no time demanding that black people apologize to him. For what? Being “fucking coons” who “always get away with it”? Or for being able to accurately spot the creepy-ass cracker’s racism? PS: This alone makes that demand invalid. Ha, ha.

13. Ted Fucking Nugent. Still a drug-addled, pants-shitting, cowardly freak after all these years, I see. And all too happy to project his own racism onto others, including a kid who is too dead to defend himself against this barrage of bullshittery. Too bad I’ve already eaten Ted’s lunch as far as the “cut and dried self-defense” angle goes. (And the “Trayvon was the racist” one, too.) PS: Ted, you seem angry. Would you like some Skittles?

14. Dinalynn Fucking Andrews Potter. She assaulted Lester Chambers for dedicating the song “People Get Ready” to Trayvon Martin? And she blamed not only the victim of the murder, but the singer, too? What the fuck was this crazy racist bitch doing at a soul concert, anyway? Jayzus.


15. Rick Fucking Perry. Shut the fuck up, Crotch. And go home. You’re drunk!

16. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Oh, for the fuck of shit, Billo. You’re drunk too! What’s to like about a country where everything is rigged in favor of the worst possible outcome? Or where assholes like you can make a career out of being assholes, who accuse others of hating their country when all that they want from it is justice?

17. Pat Fucking Robertson. Predictably, Patwa went there. “There” being the place where only hoodlums wear hoodies, and hoodlums are invariably black, and therefore, it was okay for you-know-who to shoot you-know-whom, because the young punk would never have amounted to shit anyway. Hey, old croaker — I’m white, I’m over 40, I wear a hoodie, and I’ve never had so much as a jaywalking ticket. Just fucking die already, wouldja?

18. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Predictably, the Pigman went there. “There” being the place where it’s all right for white people to call black people niggers, because slavery and Jim Crow never happened. And because Rachel Jeantel said it with an -a on the end. And because Lord knows nothing else is running through Ol’ Rushbo’s head all day anyway. Hey, Pigman — sure it’s all right for you to use that word, with an -er OR an -a on the end. Just like it’s okay for you to call women sluts and end up with not even so much as a PSA running on your flyblown radio show anymore. Hey, you can afford to lose even more advertisers and stations — right? PS: Ha, ha.


19. Richard Fucking Cohen. Oh, so it’s “understandable” that Trayvon Martin was profiled and summarily executed for Walking While Black? Or was it Walking While Black and In Possession of Candy and Non-Alcoholic Beverage? Either way, only a racist fuckhead would think there was anything “understandable” about this. But then again, Richard Fucking Cohen is a fuckhead anyway…about so very many things, including sex and Chavecito. And race. Definitely race.

20. Thomas Fucking Sowell. As it would be awkward for a black man of the punditocracy to blame a black kid for his own murder, Uncle Thomas (yes, that’s right, he’s one of THOSE) reaches for the next most convenient target. Namely, the not-all-black-and-not-all-white president. Oh yeah, and all the smoking guns in the world aren’t enough evidence to convict George Fucking Zimmerman, in Uncle Thomas’s view. Well, thanks for that very coherent pro-racist viewpoint, Tits-on-a-Bull.

21. Alveda Fucking King. Another Uncle Tom? Sure sounds like it. I don’t know what else to call a person who thinks that allowing injustice to pass unprotested (and unredressed) is furthering racial harmony — after all, that’s what the character by that name did!

22. Suzanne Fucking Venker. And while we’re on the subject of Uncle Toms and other strange mutant creatures who bat for the wrong team and end up hitting themselves in the face, how about Little Suzie Wanker, the niece of that living fossil, Phyllis Fucking Schlafly? Yup, this week she decided to come right out and tell us that white men are the most oppressed creatures on Earth. Her rationale? Sitcoms in which white dads are made to look dumb. For not being able to distinguish between fiction and reality, she wins the coved Dan Quayle Dim Bulb Award.


23. Kathleen Fucking Parker. Clown Hall wouldn’t be complete without a bevy of buffoons, all full of air like hot balloons. And in her case, the hot air is all about how “common sense” it is to racially profile people. Careful, blondie, you wouldn’t want anyone thinking you were DUMB, would you?

24. Larry Fucking Elder. And back again from Clown Hall to Uncle Tom’s cabin. What the fuck is up with these black conservahacks? Are they really THAT willing to bend over backwards to “prove” how totally-not-racist their white counterparts are, by throwing a black girl under the proverbial bus and shaming her for a speech impediment? Sure looks that way. And it sure makes them look like shits.

25. Mike Fucking Barnicle. He thinks black kids have no ambition beyond next Friday night? Shockingly, they do, and it goes pretty damn high. Trayvon wanted to be an aeronautical engineer. And there are lots of other ambitious kids just like him out there. Mike, ol’ son, you got SERVED.

26 and 27. These two smirky fucking pieces of white trash right here. They’re too chickenshit to come out and say “nigger” themselves, so they let their black shirts do it for them. Ha, ha, how clever…they ain’t. Guess they were also disappointed that they didn’t get their riot. Don’t be too upset, guys, at least you didn’t get your sorry asses kicked. Even though you thoroughly deserved it.


PS: The Fucking Wichita Police are hereby also duly noted as racist colluders. Also, assholes.

28. Rick Fucking Scott. What, not a word to say about “Shoot First and Shoot to Kill” — oh sorry, “Stand Your Ground”? What kind of “standing your ground” is that when the state governor can’t (or WON’T) even stand up to answer questions and defend his shitty state’s shitty laws? Maybe we should rename that law the Chickenshit Racist White Dude law.

29. Sean Fucking Hannity. And it wouldn’t be a Kluker rally without your regularly scheduled dose of fauxtrage from the Baby Jesus, who thinks pot is some kind of hard drug. Meanwhile, his cracker audience remains strung out on crystal meth, shouting racist cheers from between ever fewer and fewer teeth.

30 and 31. Steve Fucking Malzberg and Erik Fucking Rush. See above, and add paranoia and bug-outs. Also common meth-head symptoms, BTW.


32. Jamie Fucking Colby. Figures that a FUX Snoozer would try to fish for some kind of suitably racist justifications from #11 in the wake of the president’s speech on the shitfuckery that is Florida law. Astonishingly, he didn’t take the bait…THIS time.

33. Ted Fucking Cruz. Meanwhile, a predictable wingnut predictably doesn’t disappoint. Guns! God! Gargle! It’s all there, folks. And he produced all that without even having heard a word of the speech in question. Give that man a booby prize, because he sure as hell is a boob.

34. Jesse Lee Fucking Peterson. And again with the Uncle Tom-ism. Srsly, how scary IS it to admit that Jim Crow never fucking died, and that those who have the guts to say so are right? This dude sounds just like his white wingnut counterparts. Right down to the epithets he calls them. Shame!

35. Larry Fucking Pratt. Oh noes, the president spoke out against gun violence. Attention, all gun nuts — on the defensive! Benghazi! Benghazi!! Benghazi!!!


And finally, to all the racists on Twitter (representative examples here and here) who took to the Internets to trumpet their racism loud and proud, to make absurdly false claims of how no one would say boo if it were a black man shooting a white, and to express their satisfaction with a blatant miscarriage of justice. You can delete your accounts and your postings, but your shame will live on.

Good night, and get fucked!

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5 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Hell, hell, the Klan’s all here

  1. Jared wolf says:

    Wank #29= Epic Take Down!! Just beautiful. 🙂

  2. Mark says:

    You lose all credibility yelling “cracker” ever other word. The only difference between yourself and the racists you denounce is they attempt to hide their racism behind an aura of “respectability”, whereas you wear your ignorance proudly like a swastika on your sleeve.

    Also, when OJ Simpson was on trial for butchering Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman, see all the “black folks” calling for him to be freed.

    When the “not guilty” verdict was handed down, see the hundreds and hundreds of “black folks” in the streets, celebrating the result.

    Obviously you think that George Zimmerman should’ve been found guilty. So what does that make OJ?

    Also, why is it that Barack Obama (one “white” parent, one “black” parent) gets to be called “black”, but George Zimmerman (one “black” parent, one “white” parent) is automatically deemed white? Shouldn’t we just call it like it is and say they’re both brown–then have enough common sense to admit it wasn’t a “race” issue?

    Last time I checked, “fucking punks” was not a racist term. Oh, so if a kid looks like Trayvon Martin, we can’t call him a “fucking punk”, even if he is?

    He didn’t call Trayvon the c-word either, stop using inverted commas to put words in people’s mouths. Again, you lose any credibility by having to stoop so low.

    Zimmerman’s mother is Peruvian–she’s also the same colour as Trayvon Martin.

    The Michelle Malkins and Bill O’Reillys of the world are a pack of idiots to be sure, but what makes you any better? This is how the mainstream media works: take a controversial issue, play the race card, get all the different colours of the world turned against one another, and everyone gets distracted instead of working out the real problems of the world.

    You want some action? Maybe all these multi-millionaire athlete celebs can shut the fuck up about the Zimmerman case (something they know NOTHING about) and void their Nike endorsements, give all their millions to those third world kids in Cambodia and Vietnam who make the kicks they wear, stop valorising avarice with their “bling bling” BS and do something decent for a change. Scoring a few touchdowns in a football game or having a gold record doesn’t mean you get to do my thinking for me.

    I live in a country, Australia, where we are sitting back and shaking our heads at this whole BS, because you know why? Here in Australia, we don’t make everything a race issue. We look at the facts, one at a time. This is why Australia is seen as a multi-ethnic paradise compared to the USA. No wonder so many Americans move here.

    • Sabina Becker says:

      O RLY? Sit down, cobber, and calm your hormones. You’re about to get one hell of an education.

      Yeah, Australia is so much better than anyplace else, and you are so much the more credible person than me for living there. What a crock of shit! Who are you to claim that with a straight face? Your “multi-ethnic paradise”, as you so charmingly call it, is rife with racist discrimination against Aboriginals and Muslim refugees and members of parliament. I don’t hear of many black Americans coming to live there, either. And I don’t think that’s any coincidence. It wasn’t so long ago that you had your own brand of Jim Crow laws there.

      Also, Zimmerman (or his mother) is NOT the same color as Trayvon, and most certainly not “black”; do you not have eyes? Open them. And clean out your ears, too. He did not say “punk”, he said COON. Which is equivalent to “nigger”. It can be heard clearly on the tape. It does not sound even remotely like “punk”. And Trayvon was not a “punk” either. He was an A/B-grade student, applying for a college scholarship to study aeronautical engineering. And he would have had one, too…HAD HE LIVED. You bought the “punk” excuse; you pissed on a dead kid. A DECENT kid. You ought to be ashamed.

      And if you think Peruvians don’t have a racism problem, you’ve obviously never seen how they treat their own indigenous, even if they’re parliamentarians. There are multiple layers of racism there, depending on whether you’re white, mestizo, or indigenous — and how well you can “pass” for the first when you’re one of the second. That’s where Zimmerman’s mama comes from…another profoundly racist country which also prides itself outwardly on being some kind of “multi-ethnic paradise”. And you seriously expect me to believe that it’s a simple matter of them being the same color (which they are NOT), and that he therefore can’t possibly be racist? How deliberately fucking obtuse ARE you, dude?

      Anyhow, what makes you think a guy growing up with the privilege of having a white judge for a daddy in Florida (the Jim Crow South, unreformed) would NOT be racist, regardless of where his mother came from? I don’t buy the idea that he wasn’t exposed to some kind of systemic racism in his home. He probably got various forms of it from both sides; that’s why little George grew up such a screwed-up young delinquent that he repeatedly molested his own cousin…although unlike ones from the black folks’ part of town, he had family connections to clear him. If anyone is a punk, it’s HIM, not Trayvon. But hey! Let’s all use his brownish Peruvian mother as a human shield to hide our own unexamined racism behind, along with all that “Australia is paradise” bullshit. Yeah. That’ll work.

      As for “cracker”, that’s a term that white southerners gave themselves, and it actually goes all the way back to the British Isles. Don’t take my word for it; read Gone With the Wind. It’s actually capitalized in there. It means a certain kind of white southern swamp farmer. And if it eventually came to mean “any (white) racist”, that’s because so many of the people to whom it was attached also happened to be just that, and their descendants still are. It’s not an example of “reverse racism” (which doesn’t exist, hence the quotes). I’m sure you’d like to think it is, so you don’t have to do the hard work of examining your own unregenerate racism, and so that you get to point the finger and yell “But THEY do it too!!!” Just like you seem to want to make OJ Simpson out to be a “reverse-racist hate criminal”, which he is certainly not. He’s just another privileged rich guy who was able to buy his way out of a murder rap, and his money makes his blackness incidental. So you can stow that whole disingenuous argument. I am a white Canadian, and if I want to say “cracker” to denote a racist from a place with a long history of institutional racism (which still exists, in the form of its gun and voting laws), I will damn well do so, with pleasure. Including the distinct pleasure that comes from riling up trolls like YOU. Cracker, cracker, cracker!

      I find it very telling, too, that you used that tired old phrase, “the race card”. Now hear this: There is no such fucking thing as a “race card”. Nobody gets out of jail free just because they’re black! If anything, they get thrown in jail disproportionately in the US, BECAUSE they are black, and BECAUSE the US has a long history of blaming blacks for everything, even for what they don’t do, and especially for what gets done to them. Even in death, they get blamed for “provoking” the killer. The issue is racism, and it is a PROBLEM. The media have a responsibility to discuss it as such. They also have a responsibility to get it right, and they’re not doing so. And anyone who uses bullshit phrases like “the race card” doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously, much less hold down a media job. They’re producing propaganda that props up a bad system, comforting the comfortable and further afflicting the afflicted. That makes them WANKERS. Get it now?

      And if black celebrities want to boycott Florida, fine — LET THEM! Why should they tacitly endorse systemic racism just because they’re rich enough to buy themselves a way past the color bar? That would make them no better than your cherished “race card” red herring, OJ. Do you think they have no brains or consciences? These people have influential voices, which they can (and SHOULD) use as they see fit to bring about social change. Harry Belafonte did so in the days of the civil rights movement, and still does so now. So did Paul Robeson, who got censored by HUAC for it. And let’s not forget Muhammad Ali, who spoke out against the racist Vietnam War, and took a shitload of racist flak for it. And Nina Simone was driven into exile for daring to say (and sing about) what everybody in Mississippi Goddamn knew! Are you insinuating that they be silenced just because they get paid to smile for the cameras and entertain entitled jerks like you? Fuck you! Freedom of speech isn’t just for jackasses to bray whatever, whenever. And it isn’t just for white people with guns, either. Freedom of speech and association means, among other things, the right not to visit or spend your dollars anywhere that allows someone to shoot you with impunity just because they don’t like your looks, and then vaguely claim you “threatened” them because you “looked like a thug”. Florida made a bad law and let a murderer off the hook because of it, so Florida can go fuck itself. In fact, it already has, even with no celebrity help. Funny, eh?

      Your point about Third World sweatshops might have been better taken had you not managed to muddle it up with even more racism. So, here come some more inconvenient facts: White people buy more sweatshop goods than blacks do, because they exist in greater numbers here, and have (however marginally) more money to spend on expensive clothing with brand logos. You have a problem with that? Fine, so do I. But don’t blame famous black people. Contribute to a real cause. Sign petitions. Join letter-writing campaigns. Go boycott Nike yourself! That’s what I do. (I’m boycotting Florida products too, BTW.)

      Finally: This is not about who’s “better” than whom. If anyone’s up on their high horse here, it’s YOU. You came on here to rant about how bad black people are, how awful I am for telling it like it is, and because I used a word that hurts your poor widdle white feelings? FUCK YOU, CRACKER. I’m just enjoying the use of my free speech to call out these wankers (and that now includes YOU, because you have clearly bought their false narrative). If you have a problem with that, then that’s YOUR problem. Learn how to use the Back button on your browser, and troll no more. Unless, of course, you WANTED to have me point out in exhaustive detail that you, too, are a whiny-ass racist who hasn’t got the brainpower to examine the issues in an honest manner. In which case I must say, you’ve at least posted your weaselly wankery in the right place. And you’ve even gotten some free schooling out of it! Feel honored, punk? Good. Now go fuck yourself.

  3. Jared Wolf says:

    ~Slow clap~

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