Wankers of the Week: Cronut Burgers

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, the CNE opened this week, and already more than 100 people came down with food poisoning from eating the gross food sensation of the year, the Cronut Burger. That’s a burger whose “bun” is a cross between a croissant and a doughnut, which supposedly all the rage in Noo Yawk. Meh. It’s not the only way to get pukingly sick; just read about these people. And here they come in no particular order:

1. Walter Louis Fucking Gafvert III. You know you have a porn problem when you can’t stop downloading it. And you KNOW you have a kiddie porn problem when you can’t stop downloading it even as the cops have you in interrogation…on child porn possession charges. Well, maybe a long spell in the slammer, with no Internet access, will fix that, eh?

2. Ana María Fucking Jiménez Fucking Ortiz. Why the double Fucking? Because she’s double fucking stupid if she thinks that same-sex marriage should be illegal just because gays “can’t face each other during sex”. Actually, they CAN. Which tells me that for as much time as she’s spent obsessing about how they have sex, THAT has never occurred to her. (And neither has the fact that straight people sometimes do it doggy-style…)

3. Carly Fucking Fiorina. And once more, the great mind that ran Hewlett-Packard damn near into the ground speaks out, and says that the crazy-ass draconian anti-choice laws of Texas are “not particularly extreme”. Well, I guess in the eyes of a lunatic, they wouldn’t be…unless they forbade abortion altogether, like in Central America.

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4. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Oh, how it must suck to be him right now. When some little Palestinian guy hacks the Facebook mogul’s own Facebook page (!!!) to point out a security flaw to him, because his previous submissions of bug reports all got the same “this is not a bug” response, one can only conclude that the buggery of Facebook may well NOT be a bug, but a feature. A readily exploitable, extremely ill-conceived feature. And the “best” part? When the flaw finally came to Fuckerberg’s attention the hard way, Khalil (the Palestinian dude) was dicked out of the $500 that people who find and point out security flaws are supposed to get for their troubles. What, not enough ad revenue rolling in? Jayzus. PS: Finally. Took him long enough…

5. Vitaly Fucking Milonov. Not content to persecute only Russia’s LGBTs, now he’s expanded his pogrom of persecution to the homeless, proposing moving them to shtetls. Yeah, nothing fascist about that. Nothing at all!

6. Ted Fucking Cruz. He’s Canadian? Well, I never…and he’s renouncing his citizenship to run for preznit of the US? Well, good. Not that he’s running (or that he stands a snowball’s chance), but because at least now we’re gonna be one lunatic lighter. And that’s NEVER a bad thing. He’s YOUR problem now, Gringolandia…take him away!

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7. Larry Fucking Klayman. Dude, stop it. You’re wearing out the panic button…and the cuckoo clock, too.

8. Dan Fucking Joseph. If you’re gonna criticize the “liberal” media for biased reporting, you might want to start not doing so yourself. And you might also want to not go around demeaning trans people in the process. Frankly, I don’t give a shit if you think it’s “improper” for them to be using the washrooms designated for their chosen gender rather than the one they were assigned at birth. You do not get to decide who uses what washrooms, and you don’t get to do pants checks, either. And you don’t get to keep people from going into a toilet stall to relieve themselves, for fucksakes.

9 and 10. Kevin Fucking Swanson and Dave Fucking Buehner. Actually, fellas, serial killers and cannibals tend to be conservative family-values types. Remember Ted Bundy? Conservatively raised Republican from a devoutly religious household. Also, gay isn’t catching. And the Boy Scouts won’t be giving merit badges in that, ever.

11. Michael Fucking Thornsbury. Secretary won’t schtupp you anymore? Hey, why don’t you frame her husband for a crime or two? Yeah, that’ll get her back in your arms (or bent over your bench) in no time…

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12. Nick Fucking Gruber. Riddle me this: How does a guy who doesn’t want gay people to touch him become Calvin Klein’s boyfriend? Oh, I see: He now wants to “clean up” his image. Because being gay or in a gay relationship makes you dirty. Uh-huh. Dude, if you really don’t want to be touched by gay guys, you might want to start by staying the fuck off of Fire Island. It’s kind of crawling with them. PS: Oh dear. This isn’t going to help with that image-cleaning at all, is it?

13. Terry Fucking Holcomb. “Open carry” shouldn’t be happening anywhere, with any kind of weapons. Least of all an assault rifle in a big-box store. Now, if the preacher-man were carrying it to make THAT point, he wouldn’t be a wanker…but he is, because he thinks Texas’s already insanely permissive gun laws should be even MORE so, and extend to handguns…the murder weapon of choice in most gun homicides. Yup, they’re a special kind of stoopid in Texas.

14. Jeffrey Fucking Toobin. No, David Miranda is not a “drug mule”. He’s Glenn Greenwald’s partner…not in crime, but in life. And anyway, since when is reporting a crime? Oh yeah…since secrecy laws took over the world. Information is a life-threatening addiction now. Silly me!

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15. Don Fucking Dwyer. Yes, it’s a typical alcoholic’s tendency to blame everyone and everything but himself for his drinking (and his terrible behavior under the influence, like crashing a boat into a bunch of people and causing serious injuries). But until he takes the first step and admits that his drinking (and his boating, and his driving) are the real things out of control, nothing’s going to improve…and he will remain a wanker.

16. Michael Fucking Fougere. Sure, “European Heritage Week” sounds harmless enough. But really…don’t the words “Nationalist Party of Canada” ring any alarm bells with you at all? Or do you just not read all the letters you get very closely?

17. Mat Fucking Staver. No, legal abortion is NOT anything like Nazi Germany. Hitler was as anti-choice as you, you fucking moron. Why the hell do you think I refer to you and your cohorts as the Religious Reich? It’s because you people all think a woman’s world should revolve solely around kitchen, church and kids. JUST LIKE THE FUCKING NAZIS, you fucking fuckheaded fucktard.

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18. Phil Fucking McGraw. No, you can’t have sex with a drunk “girl”. That’s RAPE. Considering that your job is giving tough-love advice on TV, aren’t you supposed to know that already?

19. The Fucking NRA. Y’know, for a Yankee lobby group that opposed our long-gun registry up here, and spent millions to create enough astroturf support among poor, beleaguered, “criminalized” so-called law-abiding gun owners in order to have it killed, it sure is hilarious and ironic that they, themselves, are the proud papas of the largest damn gun registry on the motherfucking PLANET. Now, the big question is, WHY THE HELL?

20. Pamela Fucking Wallin. $139,000. That is all.

21. Godfrey Fucking Bloom. Yeah, nice to know that Britain’s professional racists and xenophobes are also professional sexists. And professional complete fucking idiots, too.

22. Mark Fucking Judge. Why?

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That’s why. Not only is femaleness being hurled as an insult here (oh, so being a woman is bad? Try being a FUCKING JACKASS), this loser works for Fucker Carlson. Yeah, that’s right…he’s Bowtie Boy’s bitch. Er, jackass.

23. Harold Fucking Hamm. Oil billionaire hates wind turbines because they’re ugly. Yeah, and oil rigs are so much more elegant. Why not just admit that you have no aesthetics that are not profit-driven?

24. Lyle Fucking Mortimer. Since when do God’s reasons for giving some people penises have anything to do with book publishing? Or, come to that, an accurate author bio for an author who happens to be gay?

25. Ron Fucking Paul. Funny how someone who trumpets his libertarianism spends so much time hanging out with Italian fascists, neo-Nazis, and wack-ass John Birchers. And freaky fascist fundie-Catholics, too. But then again, as the old saying goes, birds of a feather…

26. Abraham Fucking Cooper. Yup, those Simon Wiesenthalers are heading ever further over to the wrong side of history, too. Ironic that a group who started out as Nazi hunters are now turning fascist themselves. It really is not a good idea to get on the bad side of Roger Waters, people.

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27. Jerry Fucking Mungadze. How fitting, on the other hand, that an “ex-gay” therapist would be able to tell someone’s demon-possessed just by what kind of crayons they use. I suspect he uses those a lot himself; he doesn’t seem ready to master the arcane art of the pencil just yet.

28. Vicki Fucking Marble. And just how much fried chicken do YOU eat, you specimen of Aryan superiority, you?

29. Glenn Fucking Beck. How far around the bend is Biff? Oh, far enough that he now thinks it’s your God-ordained patriotic duty to pollute like there’s no tomorrow. Or be fired. Would serve him right if everyone just up and quit on him, eh? PS: Yes, Biff, the Nazis ARE here. And you’re one. Now shut up.

30. Dean Fucking Young. So, you’re against gay people pretending to be married? Great, so am I. So, the thing to do is to stop all this pretending, and just make same-sex marriage legal, already. See? Problem solved! PS: Fuck off, nobody wants to sign your silly pledge. And your antisemitic slip is showing, too.

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31. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. Awwwww. John Jacob Jingleheimer has a dirty crush on Madonna! How unfortunate for him that she’s busy with a much younger, cuter guy. Maybe you should work out your “demonic spirit of adultery” in private, “Dr.” Chaps.

32. Richard Fucking Fangrad. Yes, creationism IS child abuse. And calling it “the truth” and science a “fairy tale” is also child abuse, because it warps and stunts impressionable young brains. Any questions?

33. Craig Paul Fucking Cobb. Guess this little Nazi thinks he’s Mr. Big Man, buying up a town of 19 people with just $5000 down. Well, I can hardly wait to see the other 19 run him out of it again (like Estonia did!) when they’re sick of being made to fly “racialist banners” (Nazi flags), recruit other assholes, and tolerate the stupidity that always breaks out when someone decides that the way to build a Master Race is by selectively breeding for evil dumbth.

34 and 35. David Allen Fucking Brutsche and Devon Campbell Fucking Newman. And speaking of evil dumbth, how about that “Sovereign Citizens” bowel movement? As bad as cops are, wannabe cop-killers who also want to be the Little Hitlers of their own little “sovereign” fiefdoms are even worse. And surprise! One of the Little Hitlers is a convicted sex offender. Yeah, I can see why he finds this whole “sovereignty” shit so attractive. Wouldn’t want any pesky cops to interfere with our raping, would we now? PS: Extra points for Scientology woo-woo, ma’am.

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36. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Uh oh, someone doesn’t know what Jim Crow laws are. Hint: They were put in place by a ruling class to keep an underclass in what they deemed to be its “proper place”, not the other way around. And last time I looked, gay couples were not exactly a ruling class, either. PS: No, 90% of Americans don’t think gay sex is disgusting and repulsive. 90% are simply not gay themselves. But you’d be surprised how many of them have engaged in exactly the same practices as gay people, only with a partner NOT of the same sex!

37 and 38. Larry Fucking Pratt and Stan Fucking Solomon. Funny how so many of the people out there who are so gung-ho for guns and Tasers are also the same who claim that some black guy from the Oval Office is out to shoot and/or electrocute them all. Funnier still, some of them have obscure little “shows” where they expound this kooky conspiracy theory in all seriousness, and with zero sense of irony whatsofuckingever.

39. Sherry Fucking Ashcroft. Oh noes, we CAN’T have a safe house for women and children fleeing sexual exploitation in OUR neighborhood! Never mind that a perfectly good old disused theological college campus is going to waste (and weeds) — think of the property values! Think of the EQUITY!!!

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40. Dmitry Fucking Kozak. Yes, of course Russia is going to fulfill all its promises to the IOC. But they’re going to do it by stifling all those pesky queeeerrrrrzzzzzz! Because, y’know, that’s the correct way to do that, right? Right? Right???

41. Linda Fucking Harvey. Precious Bodily Fluids! That is all.

42. Ken Fucking Willis. What would Jesus do? Why, he’d ban a woman for daring to love and support her lesbian daughter, that’s what. Obviously, the Jesus of the Ridgedale Church of Christ is a fucking Pharisee.

43. William Fucking Gheen. Oh noes, the immigrants got the upper hand over the bigots! Sadface.

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44. Ike Fucking Boutwell. Waaaaa, Jane Fonda is one of Amurrica’s enemies because she exercised her First Amendment rights (freedom of speech, peaceful association, etc.) over 40 years ago! And this guy claims he fought to defend those same freedoms from the evil Commies that Ms. Jane freely associated with, way back then? I suppose the irony of his position is completely lost on him. As will, no doubt, be the revenues from that film he refuses to show just because “Hanoi Jane” is in it.

45. Stephen Fucking Harper. Our national disgrace has struck again…and this time, the target was a Chinese reporter who had some questions about international takeovers of Canadian businesses. Supposedly the scribe was out of line, but I think the real reason is that he had hard questions that Harpo knew in advance about and just didn’t want to answer. Gee, I wonder why.

46. Peter Fucking MacKay. So, Justin Trudeau is a disgrace, unfit for Parliament because he toked? Big fuckin’ whoop. At least he didn’t arrange fake military exercises just so he could get a SAR helicopter to take him fishing! Also, there’s this:

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A Future Leader in the Making, no doubt.

47. Christina Fucking Katok. Newsflash: Canada IS foreign soil if you’re in the US. (So is the Panama Canal Zone.) Hawaii, however, is not. The former is where Ted Cruz was spawned; the latter, His Barackness. Any questions?

48. Zachary Fucking Anderle. So, how’s that religiously motivated homophobia working out? Not very well, I see.

49. Robin Fucking Thicke. Remember how last week he was suing the estate of the late, great Marvin Gaye to protect his own mediocre, copycatting ass? Well, it looks like Karma is about to chomp down on his not-so-big dick. And we all know what kind of canid Karma is, right? PS: Ha, ha.

50. Vladimir Fucking Putin. Methinks Pooty-Poot doth protest too much. And is that a whiff of mothballs I detect?

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And finally, to the “liberal” Israeli city of Tel Fucking Aviv. So nice to see that Jim Crow is alive, well, and speaking Hebrew now. And keeping those pesky Ethiopian schwarzers away from the white kids. Because no matter how Jewish you are, the black apparently rubs off on ya. Shalom!

Good night, and get fucked!

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