Wankers of the Week: Dog Daze, or Teh Stoopid Season

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Crappy weekend, everyone! How are you all enjoying these dog days of summer? It may not be so hot where I sit, but it sure has gotten stupid enough for me. The wanks just never stop coming. And since it’s the silly season, I can’t catch a break. Especially not from THESE people:

1. Christina Fucking Andrews. Florida Man is about to get some serious competition in the Department of Crazy Shit…from Florida Woman. Nobody needs bigger boobs. But those who think they do, might do better to spend that money on self-esteem counselling instead. Unlike breast implants, it will never break down or need to come out in five to ten years’ time. And you won’t need to replace it with another pair of equally degradable implants, either.

2. Tim Fucking Armstrong. Firing at AOHell: Ur doin it rong. Bad dog! Bad! No Jerky Treats for you!

3. Justin Fucking Bieber. Serenading Grandma: Ur doin it rong, too. But hey — nice legs, Bieb!

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4. Dana Fucking Rohrabacher. Global warming is a “total fraud”. Yeah, dude, that’s very credible. Even as the evidence mounts all around you, you just go right ahead and dig your hole deeper. With any luck, the sides will fall in on you and you will never be seen or heard from again.

5. John Fucking Hembling (and his unnamed fellow MRAsshole “manhood academy” interlocutor). Dude(s), that was the most tedious display of homoerotic homophobia and mutually misogynous hissyfittery I’ve seen in a long time. This might be a clue as to why you guys have no luck with the ladies. Who wants to be harangued by a woman-hating jackass with Daddy Issues? For that matter, who wants to take lessons in “manhood” from someone who has yet to graduate kindergarten? Now give me back those eight minutes of my life that you stole, and grow the fuck up. BOTH of you.

6. William J. Fucking Ihlenfeld. Why?

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That’s why. It’s not “Don’t rape”, it’s “Don’t record rape”. Meaning, rape is actually okay as long as no evidence exists to spoil the rapist’s future prospects, apparently. Also, sign, sign, sign!

7. Rob Fucking Ford. How sweet, he visits his drug-dealing buddies in prison! Little wonder he can brag drunkenly on the Danforth that he’s got “blow”. He probably does have coke on hand. And I have a fair idea who he gets it from. PS: Aww, Dougie. How sweet of you to defend Robbo! Alas, FAIL.

8. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. I’m sorry, I can’t deal with his argument. The idea that global warming is something one merely “believes in”, like God or Easter Bunnies or Santa Clauses or Tooth Fairies, just has me laughing too damn hard. It’s no wonder conservatives have such a poor grasp of science, if these are the terms they prefer to think in.

9. Cathie Fucking Adams. Wow, anti-choicers really must be running scared if the sound of women fighting for their rights is like “evil emanating from the pit of hell” to them! And on that note, BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA.

10. Lu Ann Fucking Ballew. Why?

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That’s why. Guess it’s time someone told Judge Reinhold, Prince Rogers Nelson and Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone that their first names are invalid because they are not “names”, but “titles”. And let’s not get started on all the Latino kids named Jesús, either. PS: What do you bet that she wouldn’t have a problem with someone calling their kid “Adolf Hitler”?

11. Yelena Fucking Mizulin. So, the Russian government wants to ban cusswords online now, too? Well, you know what Lenny Bruce said: If you can’t say “fuck”, you can’t say “fuck the government”. But fortunately, I CAN say fuck, and I say FUCK THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT. Because between this and legislated homophobia, it is definitely out to fuck the people.

12. Rick Fucking Santorum. Icky Ricky Buttsploodge thinks using terms like “middle class” makes you a Marxist! Don’t tell him this, but the first place I ever heard that term was on “Happy Days”…a sitcom about as bourgeois as it gets. But hey, thanks, Icky, for pointing out one clear thing you have to believe to be a good capitalist stooge these days…the absurd notion that there’s no such thing as class distinctions in the United States of Amnesia.

13. Todd Fucking Snipes. Again with the “all black males are thugs” bullshit. Now hear this: Not all black males are thugs, even those who slouch around in saggy pants. Just as not all white guys in police uniforms are good guys. Relevant example: this dude right here.

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14. Steven Fucking Anderson. Glory, glory, hallelujah, Pastor Foot-in-Mouth has piped up again. This week’s sermon? Boys will be boys, girls will be dependent, and everyone will be utterly fucking miserable. Yo, preacher? May Jesus smite you with infertility, like that fig tree that displeased him. You are one who should most definitely NOT be having kids.

15. Mark Fucking Kessler. You can take the Nazified fucker out of the cop shop, but you can’t take the Nazi out of him. Pity, because he really should see his doctor about that. Impacted Nazi head up the ass can lead to some nasty infections…

16. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Surprise, surprise, surprise! It’s Gomer, making another big pile of stupidity, right on the White House rug! And what do you know…it’s a massive projection, too! Meanwhile, out in reality, it’s worth noting that there has NOT been unprecedented “racial tension and violence”, because things were a lot quieter after the Trayvon trial farce than they were when Rodney King got the shit kicked out of him by the LAPD twenty years ago…and that incident, too, paled in comparison to the Watts riots of the mid-1960s. So yeah, Gomer, basically this is reality, fucking you. How ’bout THEM apples?

17. Pamela Fucking Wallin. So, lemme see if I got this straight, Pammy-wammy. You breaking the law is okay…as long as someone from the PMO is instructing you? That’s a new one. It’s also pretty damn incriminating, and not just for you.

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PS: Oh dear, what have we here? A conflict of interest. Of course. PPS: Methinks the lady doth protest WAY too much.

18. James R. Fucking Edwards, Jr. Anyone who thinks Ozzie and Harriet represent anything like an ideal family, or even a typical one, really needs to get the fuck out of the 1950s. And anyone who thinks it’s okay to insult Latinos by comparing them adversely to those fictional characters really needs to get the fuck off of this planet.

19, 20 and 21. Michelle Fucking Malkin, Clayton Fucking Morris and Gretchen Fucking Carlson. Poor dears, they don’t understand what transgender means. Anybody want to educate them? Or rather, bang your head against a brick wall of utter incommprehension? Up to you…

22. Emil Fucking Chynn. The world’s smallest violin is playing for the world’s loneliest trophy-wife-seeker. In the hands of the world’s smallest perfect-but-not-too-perfect lady, of course. (Wouldn’t want to upstage this prize, after all.)

23. Paul Fucking Elam. Honestly, at this juncture, the man has become his own worst enemy, and his shit is so ridiculous that it writes its own parody. I have nothing to add. Nevertheless, I list him here for the sake of pointing out his wankdom to all who have not yet heard of this sorry excuse for a man. That is all.

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24 and 25. Ted Fucking Nugent and Mike Fucking Huckabee. Don’t you guys think you’re carrying this lynch-mob redneck act a little too far? Jeez…either get a banjo or get a room, but in any case, just get the fuck off the air!

26. David Fucking Barton. Revisionist historian is now a revisionist weatherman, apparently. And just like all the rest of the rightard clown-car brigade, he can’t tell the difference between weather and climate. Guess he’s gotta branch out to try to stay relevant…although, by denying the obvious, he’s doin it rong.

27. Ken Fucking Cuccinelli. At this point, one can’t help but speculate whether he is in fact a closet case in dire need of a good coming-out. I dunno about you, but my gaydar is going woop woop woop!

28. Steve Fucking King. Oh dear. Looks like someone just made it painfully clear that the “grassroots” teabagger movement is, in fact, pure Kochtopus Astroturf! Next time you hold an anti-immigration rally, Stevie, why don’t you make sure it will actually have some attendees?

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29. Jeff Fucking Miller. Climate change is not a religion. And that means no, God didn’t do it. But hey! Maybe you and #8 should get together. I’m sure you’ve got lots to talk about!

30. Darek Fucking Isaacs. And in other whackjobbity creationist news, here there be dragons. Dinosaurs explained! Or…maybe not.

31. Jessica Fucking Bennett. Y’know, Sheryl Sandberg (and all those other well-meaning fools telling women to “lean in”, etc.), maybe if you offered internships that actually paid, and paid a living wage, women wouldn’t be so far behind men on the earning scale. Just a thought.

32. Bryan Fucking Goldberg. And in other “Ur doin feminism rong” stories, there’s this guy. Champion of women’s rights? Ha. Chumpion is more like it.

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33. Ken Fucking Hutcherson. Oh dear. Looks like someone doesn’t know his civil rights history! Look up Bayard Rustin, dude…you might be surprised that Dr. King, though no “queen”, had absolutely no problems with his openly gay right-hand man.

34. Paul Fucking Wieland. Oh noes, your poor widdle religious liberties are being trampled by slutty, slutty women using their health insurance to buy birth control! And you’ve got your long-suffering wife suckered into protesting (and making your three — ONLY three? — daughters’ life hell) with you, too. Isn’t that sweet? Except that people using birth control is no business of yours, and I don’t hear either of you complaining about all those slutty, slutty dudes using their insurance to buy Viagra. Sexist much? Fuck off, both of you.

35. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. John Jacob Jingleheimer has been jerkin’ it mighty hard this week. He’s seeing demons to be exorcised everywhere, EVERYWHERE! In Obama! In Wendy Davis! In his mother’s vagina, no doubt! Well, here’s my equally amateurish diagnosis of “Dr. Chaps”, since he seems determined to diagnose everyone else with devil-itis: Sounds to me like temporal lobe epilepsy, running out of control. Perhaps a temporal lobotomy will help?

36. John Fucking Gentile. For a right-wing radio ad peddler, he sure has a “descent” command of the English language. And yawn yawn, again with the FREEZE PEACH and the Amurrican dream (which George Carlin defined rather nicely). But hey! At least now he knows the power of the consumer dollar…the Pigman cost his radio station so much ad revenue that it had to be sold at a loss. Ha, ha.

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37. Jason Fucking Simione. Move along folks…nothing to see here. Just another Responsible Gun Owner™, abiding the law. And calling his own president a nigger, and uttering death threats against him. And also uttering death threats against his soon-to-be-ex-wife and her family, and even his own child, of whom he will now NOT be receiving custody. And speaking of custody, guess whose his stockpiled guns are now in. Ha, ha. PS: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: FLORIDA MAN STRIKES AGAIN!

38. Larry Fucking Pratt. And in other gun-nut news, guess who is a big fan of the “Trayvon Martin was a thug” bullshit theory of victimology? Yup, HIM. He also considers black people to be “racists”, and the Attorney General of the US to be trying to keep poor, oppwessed white people from defending themselves against “black mobs”. Do you suppose he’s also a big fan of Stand Your Ground?

39. Gordon Fucking Chaffin. Dude, please stop quoting Thoreau, Goethe and those fucked-up acid-trippers who wrote the bible. In fact, please stop quoting yourself. Because really, nobody wants to hear your Deep Thoughts. For one thing, they’re not that deep. Especially not the shit about women, which is frankly just fucking cranky. And creepy. Really fucking creepy.

40. Russell Fucking Simmons. A Harriet Tubman SEX TAPE? Srsly, WTFFF??? I’m not sure if it’s just racist, just sexist, or just both. But any way you slice it, it’s just NO. NO. NO!!! PS: That non-apology is also a big fat fucking no-no. It’s “I’m sorry I demeaned Harriet Tubman”, not “Sorry if people r hurt :-(” Dude, you are older than me. I know these things. Why don’t you?

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41. Dan Fucking Perrins. Using lesbophobia to combat homophobia in Jamaica? Sounds like just the sort of thing a clueless white MRAsshole dude would do. Promoting misogyny via a poor grasp of LGBT issues has got to be some kind of new low for the MRAssholes. Next up: Flagrant racism. Betcha!

42. Conrad Fucking Black. Oh looky here…another setback for Lord Blah-Blah. The SEC has barred him from sitting on any board of directors in the US of A. I guess membership in Club Fed really DOES have its privileges! Ha, ha.

43. Orson Scott Fucking Card. Surprise! He’s not just another homophobic religious rightard in magic underwear. He’s also a RACIST religious rightard in magic underwear. Lovely!

44. Bob Fucking Filner. Mayor Harassment is such a prolific wanker, he doesn’t know when to stop. Even your great-grandma isn’t safe from his gropey, grabby hands. Lock up yer grandmas!

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45. Robin Fucking Thicke. Pop’s rapiest singer has sued the family of a long-dead Motown star over similarities between their songs. Shouldn’t that be the other way ’round? And shouldn’t Marvin Gaye’s family also sue him for desecration? I hope this little shitweasel loses.

46. Scott Fucking DesJarlais. Yes, Dr. Hypocritical Oath is back in the news, and once more, as you may have guessed, he’s a completely and utterly heartless prick. But you know who’s even worse, if such things are possible? Those teabagger assholes in the crowd who applauded him…for scolding a little girl.

47. Elisa Fucking Chang. Anyone else struck by the irony of someone whose ancestors were subject to exclusion laws, now drawing up an exclusion law against the queerfolk of her city? Ah. I knew I couldn’t be alone in this…

48. Sydney Fucking Leathers. Your fifteen minutes are up, kiddo. Time to mosey off home. And please, if you’re going to sext the Baby Jeezus, don’t alert the media!

49. Peter Fucking Shih. You don’t like San Francisco; yeah, yeah, we get it. And San Francisco doesn’t like YOU. See how that works?

50. Ken Fucking Buck. Why?

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That’s why. Abortion might not be “relevant” to brown-toothed geezers who clearly have nothing to worry about when it comes to sexytimes, but it is quite relevant to the half of the human race for whom unplanned pregnancies can be not only a life-changer, but a life-wrecker.

And finally, to the Fucking International Olympic Committee. Do you people even read your own damn charter? If you did, you might actually support athletes who came out in opposition to Russia’s anti-gay law. Or for that matter, the athletes who came out against racism, back in the day. Or sexism. Or Nazism. Instead, you’d rather just silence them and collect your billions. Gawd, you people have a long history of not rocking boats that deserved a thorough capsizing, don’t you? Maybe a widespread boycott of your sponsors will wake you up out of your slumber at long last. It’s in the works, believe me.

Good night, and get fucked!

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