Wankers of the Week: Twerkin’ Turkeys

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, wasn’t that a turkey of a week? Let’s hope that by now, Miley has finally pried those painful-looking plastic booty shorts out of her poor little chicken butt, and gotten rid of that other awful thing in the jailbird suit that was riding it at that so-called awards show where she sang. Yeah, I’m talking about whatsisface, the nobody who thought he could sue Marvin Gaye’s family for a song style that he himself ripped off. I hope he does a fast fade back into obscurity after this. And these people too, in no particular order:

1. Pat Fucking Robertson. Well, I guess my suspicions have been confirmed: Patwa likes himself some “bosomy babes” (his words). In pornos. So much for fornication being a sin. But only if it’s for male consumption! Women, poor things, have to “compete” with that for the gnat-like attention of that loser they’re with. And if they can’t, they have to leave the sinful addict. But only if they’re not married! If they are, I guess they’re stuck with him. Speaking of which, I wonder what Mrs. Patwa makes of all this. PS: Uh oh. Watch out, people, he’s about to splatter the ceiling! PPS: Covering up the wank is another wank.

2. Debra Fucking Gauthier. And while we’re on the subject of Patwa and his porny little TV show, how about this woman? Sez she signed a pact with the devil and he made her a lesbian. And then she “saw the light”, i.e. got attracted to men while attending this “ex-gay” churchy thingy. This sounds like the plot of an especially cheesy movie, doesn’t it? Wait, we haven’t gotten to the good part yet…that would be when she falls in love with another woman and admits that this was all bullshit. Bated breath, etc. PS: Oh dear. Does this group sound familiar?

3. Jeremy Fucking Abbott. No, kiddo, criticizing Russia’s newly institutionalized homophobia is NOT the same as going into somebody’s house and rudely criticizing their décor. Unless they decorate with brutally mangled corpses of LGBT people, that is.

4. David Fucking Green. Why?

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That’s why. Also, Jesus never said a word about abortion, and in any case, birth control pills don’t cause it — they PREVENT it. One would think that anyone wanting to prevent abortion would take that into account, but nope, nope, nope…it’s all about shaming the sluts and jerking the jezebels around. That is, it’s all about corralling and controlling women.

5. Peter LaFucking Barbera. So nice to know that “freedom”, to some, means the untrammeled right to take all freedoms away from others. Case in point: the Religious Reich vs. gay Americans…and soon, gay Russians. What part of “Congress shall make no law…” decreeing official religion or curtailing private speech does this clown not understand?

6. Bryan Fucking Fischer. And speaking of official religion and curtailing freedoms of speech and association, here he is, advocating the exact same thing. These Religious Reich guys are SO un-American.

7. Laura Fucking Ingraham. So nice to see how the rightards commemorate the March on Washington of 50 years ago…with authentic sound effects from the wrong side of history. And these people want to position themselves as the best friends the black folks ever had? Maybe they should start by not shooting themselves in the feet, ha ha.

8. Alexis Fucking Ohanian. Need another reason to loathe Reddit and avoid it like the galloping cyber-plague it is? Fine, how about the fact that its co-founder tried to work for skeezy, lying, meddlesome STRATFOR? Will that do? Works for me.

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9. Kathleen Fucking Parker. Come on, black people! Do something riot-y. Kathy is counting on you. You wouldn’t want to disappoint her, would you now?

10. George Fucking Zimmerman. Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie, really needs to go the fuck away. NOW. (And Kel-Tec really needs to go bankrupt…and SOON.) PS: And Georgie needs to pay back what he cost the state, too, the fucking douchebag.

11. George Fucking Will. And in other Georgie-Porgie news, get a load of what the constipated poster-child of unlovability says about voting rights. Namely, something to the effect of “who needs them if you’ve got a single mom, that’s so much worse”. Yeah…that’s right, Georgie, just pile on those racialized disadvantages. Like #7, you can now stop wondering why black people don’t give a shit for you. (And women, too.)

12. Richard Fucking Nanula. What’s the difference between porn and prostitution? Apparently, the size of the audience for the ensuing video. That’s it.

13. David Fucking Samadi. Women have boobs, so they should pay more for medical care? Gee, that makes a shitload of sense. Just like it makes sense that we should pay more for clothing, shoes, cosmetics, etc., with only 70 cents on a man’s dollar. I have a better idea: How about dickheads paying double, to cover all the women who can’t afford it anymore?

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14.Bradlee Fucking Dean. Oh look! A truckload of assfax and homophobic insults. And this guy has an audience because…?

15. Larry Fucking Silva. Homophobic discrimination is “just”, sez the man in the pink dress and the tons of bling. “Just” WHAT? Methinks he’s missing a word in there. And since he left it off, I’ll fill in the blank and say it’s JUST WRONG.

16. Louie Fucking Gohmert. He thinks it’s scary that “liberal elites” are using vaccines to “cull the population”? I think it’s scary that anyone stupid enough to believe that hasn’t died of his idiocy yet. THAT’s the part of the herd that needs thinning, if ever there was such a plan — and there isn’t. (And that, too, scares me.)

17. James Fucking Wiedmann. Yeah, too bad Hitler wasn’t an “alpha” fucking pickup artist who reads shitty right-wing doucheblogs. Then we could have avoided all this nasty antisemitism, death-camping, World War II, and so much more. Godwin violation much, Roissy?

18. Ken Fucking Cuccinelli. Why?

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That’s why. “Not doing anything about birth control”, apparently, means BANNING it.

19. Howard Fucking Kurtz. You know you’ve lost the plot when all you can write about is boobies. Your ex-employer’s daughter-in-law’s boobies, to be precise.

20. G. Todd Fucking Baugh. What’s the G stand for? GROSS, would be my guess. What else would you call a guy who assumes that a teacher who rapes his student doesn’t deserve more than a month in jail for it, just because the girl appeared “older than her years”? I’m with the girl’s mother; she thinks the judge sucks, and that’s putting it very politely. After all, the victim of the unwanted attentions killed herself.

21. Tom Fucking Corbett. He gets his anonymous attorneys to put out the ludicrous idea that gays are like 12-year-olds, and therefore not fit to marry? Gimme a break. All the same-sex couples applying for marriage licences in Pennsylvania have been legal adults!

22. Rand Fucking Paul. Why?

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That’s why. Bongwater Buddha has some very strange notions about freedom and slavery. In what parallel universe could the handing over of public water supplies to corporations like Nestlé be “freedom”?

23. Jeremy Fucking Hutchinson. If you’re going to push for armed teachers in all classrooms, it might behoove you not to go shooting teachers on the shootin’ range, bucko. Irony impairment is not a good look, know what I mean?

24. Lora Fucking DiMaggio. Face it, lady, your brother was a psychopath. And don’t blame the victims for what he did. There’s not a sixteen-year-old girl on the planet crafty enough to make a grown man wig out, kill her brother and her mom, and then kidnap her into the wilderness. I know it’s hard to accept that one is related to a maniac, but he was one, and that’s all there is to it.

25. Stan Fucking Solomon. While Dan Savage’s sex and love advice is not always on point (and his transphobia is icky and disturbing, not to mention the shadow it casts on his qualification to advise), I don’t wish him dead. And even if Trayvon Martin had been a thug (which he was not), I wouldn’t wish him dead, either. YOU, on the other hand, can keel over and snuff it any old time. The sooner the better.

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26. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Y’know, there are times when I almost feel sorry for Gomer being so fucking dumb and all. And then I remember that his stupidity is the kind that actually kills innocent people in far-off lands, and I stop that shit at once.

27. Scott Fucking Walker. And speaking of Teh Stoopid and innocent people in far-off lands, Little Snotty Wanker thinks that Syria is to blame for his state’s bad job numbers. No, Snotty, that’s YOUR fault, and yours alone. Well, okay, not just yours alone. The only thing in Wisconsin stupider than you is the dumb dolts who voted for you, and then didn’t recall you when they had the chance. They got what they deserved; too bad they took a lot of better, wiser souls down with them.

28. Elisa Fucking Chan. Not only is she a nasty homophobe and transphobe, she’s also a crooked cover-up artist. She had her lame excuses and fake apologies already planned. Unfortunately, she didn’t foresee that the tape they were on would be leaked to the public. Maybe that’s why we haven’t heard much out of her ever since.

29. Jason Fucking Rapert. God can’t vote, doesn’t vote, and in any event, would never vote for an idiot like you. STFU about your imaginary hell and demons, already.

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30. David Fucking Cameron. Beating the war drums against Syria without proof of WMD or, well, ANY good reason for attacking at all? That’s a paddlin’. And it’s also good for a big fat NO vote in Parliament. Ha, ha.

31. Paul Fucking Elam. Yes, Paulie, Karma is indeed a bitch…and when all the people you’ve been libelling right and left finally get together and launch a class-action lawsuit against your lying, slanderous ass, you’re gonna know what it’s like when She humps YOU. Better buy lots of lube, eh?

32. Robin Fucking Thicke. So, he’s really just a wholesome, family-values kinda guy who’s long and happily married, and not really a skeezeball like his latest “hit” makes him out to be? Um, check the mirror, dude.

33 and 34. Miley Fucking Cyrus and Justin Fucking Bieber. Yup, they’re a joint venture in wank. And thanks to them, twerking is about to become majorly UNpopular. Keep it up, kiddies, you’re doin’ great! (And by that, I mean go home…you suck.)

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35. Wendell Fucking Docteur. Who the fucking fuck carries a gun while riding a bike? A racist bumfuck who lies to cops about hoodie-clad gang members when in fact no one shot him in the leg but he his own stupid bumfuck self. That’s who.

36. Rafael Fucking Cruz. If you ever wonder where Ted Fucking Cruz got rabies, look no further. His old man has it so bad he actually makes Ted look normal.

37. Kevin Fucking Swanson. So, Mark Twain was “demon-possessed” for writing Huckleberry Finn and turning people’s hearts against slavery? Yeah, it’s so Christian to keep slaves; “St.” Paul himself said so. I’d say this racist dude is possessed by the worst demon of all, and its name is Teh Stoopid.

38. Bill Fucking Holtzclaw. Y’know, if you teabaggers ever want to shed that racist label, you might want to start by, y’know, not being so fucking racist. And also by not trying to hide your racism under a fake concern for children’s morals.

39. Tim Fucking Scott. Why?

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If you’re going to whine about not being invited to something, first make sure that no one in fact invited you. And don’t lie about it if they did.

40. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. And that goes for you too, Billo. Shame on you!

41. Jerome Fucking Corsi. So, sex isn’t supposed to be for fun? Well, with him, I can’t imagine that it would be. How on Earth his wife puts up with his shit is beyond me. Especially cranky shit like this.

42. Linda Fucking Harvey. Why is she so afraid to know the truth? Because she is committed to the peddling of homophobic bullshit. Without it, she’d be out of a job. Poor thing.

43. Steve Fucking Lonegan. I don’t know if Cory Booker is gay, either…so why speculate? Oh yeah, someone’s got Manhood Issues. Thanks for sharing, Steve. Now fuck off.

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44. Daniel Fucking Cohn-Bendit. The pedo-political provocateur of the German Greens (translations coming, folkies, he’s a horror!) just opened his mouth wide and stuck his foot in it again, this time over Syria. When even the right-wing British parliament votes against war, you know something’s not right. And when the supposedly eco-friendly Greens start beating the drums for a very dirty war (can’t have any “cheap anti-Americanism”, after all), you know you’re completely through the Looking Glass!

45. Liz Fucking Cheney. Fine sister that she is, she won’t support same-sex marriage, even though she has a lesbian sibling. Who, I’m sure, is very happy in her relationship…with or without immediate family support.

46. David Fucking Marsters. Old man, let me give you a quick lesson in how the world works: There is NO way in hell that saying “kill the nigger”, in any context, could NOT be a racist threat. Except maybe in your bizarre parallel universe, where the senile old whites are apparently the ones who think themselves racially oppressed. Which, unfortunately for you, is NOT the way the world works. Got it now, cracker?

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47. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. John Jacob Jingleheimer got a good smackdown this week, courtesy of a certain Mr. Fugelsang. Who, unlike “Dr. Chaps”, actually knows his Jesus quite well.

48. Stephen Fucking Harper. Who else would send the Mounties to harass a couple of nice, quiet middle-aged ladies who were just peacefully protesting his dumbshit desire to march to war against Syria? This man is a fucking control freak, and his freakery is out of control.

49. Julian Fucking Assange. Not only does he have some mighty weird ideas about US politics (and the meaning of “non-violence”), he’s also behaving like a zit-faced kid in his so-called political campaign, and it’s got El Ecuadorable needing to school him in the art of respect, even though he’s in the middle of a summit right now. You know you’re a little shit when even the president of the country granting you asylum has to take time out of his busy agenda to dress you down.

50. Richard Fucking Chaffoo. How to look great in a selfie: First, get your face injected nine ways till Friday. Better still, a facelift…and implants. Then, once the swelling goes down, do a Kardashian duckface. If you can move your filler-injected lips or raise your Botoxed eyebrows, that is. I have a better idea: How about just not worrying so much about how you look…and not taking so many fuckin’ selfies? Gosh, that was difficult!

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And finally, to all those who are hot for war against Syria because (a) they don’t like Bashar al-Assad, and (b) they don’t have all the facts about who actually gassed whom (and then LIED about it). Remember Iraq? Remember Saddam? Remember who sold the culprits all that poison gas? Remember who MAKES all that poison gas? Here’s another thought: If you don’t want other countries committing genocide, how about (a) not using them and theirs to fight your proxy wars, and (b) NOT FUCKING SELLING THEM ANY MORE FUCKING WMD? Gawd, how complicated is it to take an anti-war, anti-imperialism stance and stick to it consistently? You don’t even have to like a foreign leader to do it! That little kid in the picture could do it no problem, but a lot of supposedly well-educated “liberal” westerners are unclear on the very basic concept. And that fucking pisses me right the hell off.

Good night, and get fucked!

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