Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, it’s finally happened. Ariel Fucking Sharon finished his last job. Eight years it took him to do it, too. Never was an earthly visit so long and rudely overstayed. And look who else is wearing out their welcome on the planet this week:
1. Paul Fucking Martin. I fully expected Stephen Fucking Harper to make the loudest slurping noises when kissing Ariel Sharon’s finally-departed ass, and he didn’t, uh, disappoint. But Paul, you? Really? And MUST you slip it the tongue, too? Ugh.
2. Karl Fucking Rove. Benghazi! Benghazi!! Benghazi!!! Translation: I got nuttin’. And damn, Christiegate ain’t going away, either.
3. Brit Fucking Hume. Well, well. Look who revealed himself for a Men’s Rights Asshole. So, politics is now “feminized” and desperately in need of the “masculine and muscular” bod of Chris Fucking Christie? FUX Snoozer, PLEASE. The man’s got bigger boobs than I do, and that’s really saying something!
4. Michael Fucking Eisenga. How does a rich deadbeat dad get away with it? Simple: by buying himself a congresscritter. Because everybody knows that children don’t need support, but rich white guys in Congress do!
5 and 6. Dennis Fucking Farrell and Kathy Fucking Stover-Kennedy. Oh you poor, hard-working widdle victims. You don’t want to publicly address all the people whose water you poisoned — some of whom are fighting for their lives in hospital? You find demands for answers “threatening”? You’d rather just ride around in horse-drawn carriages and fancy coats? You poor widdle babies. Wouldums like a tissue?
7. Bernard Fucking McGuirk. So, Satanists should be gunned down alongside their monument? Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen: FUX Snooze and its guests are officially more evil than the devil himself. And far less aware of irony, too.
8. Mike Fucking Lewis. What Would Jesus Do? Well, if this preacher-man is any indication, the answer is: firebomb his ex-girlfriend’s parents’ house, with the help of three homeless people whom he offered to pay for the job, but never did. Yeah, that’s right…Jesus is now a deadbeat arsonist. And a girlfriend abuser, too.
9. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Back when he was Leona Helmsley’s lawyer, she famously told her household staff that paying taxes was for the little people. And now that he’s moving to Israel, apparently he’s endorsing the same basic attitude in his host country when it comes to international law and human rights. That’s for all the OTHER countries, apparently!
10. Ted Fucking Cruz. His dad’s a wanker for likening Barack Obama to Fidel Castro (an unflattering comparison for Fidel, to be sure). He himself is a wanker for defending such a ridiculous statement.
11. Jan Fucking Brewer. Can we start calling her the dictator of Arizona now? Because she just got rid of the state’s child-protective services office. Unilaterally, without so much as a consultation. Child abuse will now go unpunished and uninvestigated in Arizona. This is how she responds to a scandal of 6,000 cases going unaddressed. N.B.: The governor’s own son is a troubled individual who could have benefited from CPS intervention when he was a kid. Coincidence? Hardly. I guess now she can go back to dealing with this the way people used to in the “good” old days: by burying it and never mentioning the fact in public, private, or anywhere.
12 and 13. Bill and Emma Keller. If you don’t want to read tweets from cancer patients about their dealings with the disease, the solution is very simple: Unsubscribe from their Twitter feeds, and don’t go lecturing them on their lack of decorum! Why is this so hard for such leading intellectuals as yourselves to grasp? Could it be because…you’re fucking twits? PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Uh oh. What have we here? An ethics violation? Things that make you go hmmmmmm….
14. Curtis Fucking Reeves, Jr. Someone texting in a movie theatre before the film even starts to play? Stand yer ground and SHOOT that fucker! Yeah, if this doesn’t get Florida rethinking that shitty law, nothing will. And how about a law banning guns in movie houses, while you’re at it? PS: Oh my. What have we here? A repeat offender? Yeah, that sounds just like someone I’d trust with a gun…said no intelligent person ever. PPS: Nope, no ground to stand on here. Ha, ha.
15. Aryeh Fucking King. Instead of telling Palestinians to “leave Israel”, how about you leave Palestine? If you can’t peacefully coexist with Arabs, you shouldn’t be in the Middle East. That is all.
16. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Gomer! Imagine you giving “plumbing lessons” to anyone. You can’t even pry your own head out of your ass with a crowbar. So who are you to judge the judges?
17. Mario Fucking Pescante. Well, I guess we now know where the IOC stands on gay rights: right on top of them, crushing them under its cleats. Shame, shame, SHAME.
18. Richard Fucking Black. “It doesn’t count if she’s wearing a nightie”? When’s the last time you raped your wife, Mr. Black? Sign the petition, people.
19. Marc Fucking Kielburger. Public schools don’t offer “values-based” education? Might be just as well, considering that the promotion of Catholic “values” in the separate school system is costing Ontario taxpayers at least a billion extra dollars a year. Why do we even have that system, anyway? Time to scrap it and have ONLY public schools, and leave religion as the private matter it was always supposed to be. Education should be based in facts; “values” can take care of themselves.
20. Trestin Fucking Meacham. Oh, Starvey Milk, spare us the “I respect people who practice a homosexual lifestyle” hypocrisies. When your “mission in life” is to keep them from getting equal rights, you’re not respecting a goddamn thing. You’re just being an asshole trying to have it both ways. And you’re not fooling anyone with this “I’m only defending the churches” hypocrisy, either.
21. Sally Fucking Kern. No, you know what’s a “human wrong”? Your homophobic idiocy. LGBT people aren’t hurting you, so why so down on them? Were you the kind of kid who liked pulling the wings off flies, or something?
22. Chris Fucking Pagano. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without a literal wanker. And because this one is undeniably the cheesiest I’ve seen all week. Pun fully intended.
23. Phil Fucking Robertson. So, where are all the right-wing jackwads crowing about how they’re winning the culture wars with Duck Dynasty? Looks like they’re losing after all…to the tune of nearly a third of its viewers. Guess raging homophobia, Jim Crow apologism, and child-bride endorsements don’t go down so well after all. Now, how about losing all that tacky branded merchandise?
24. Russell Fucking Brand. Sorry, Rusty, but when the Revolution comes, it won’t be in the form of your favorite grotty sploodge-porn. And it won’t have you at the head of it, either. Casual misogyny is not a revolutionary value.
25. Tim Fucking Donnelly. Yup, nothing like an endorsement from Maria Conchita Fucking Alonso…and a brag about the size of one’s cojones. Washed-up former beauty queens and unverifiable claims about his genitalia, plus gun nuttery…how could he lose?
26. Nancy Fucking Grace. Pot causes people to shoot each other, strangle and kill each other, and just generally run amuck? No, that would be crack and meth. Pot just makes people sleepy, hungry, and giggly over stupid things…like, say, the inanities of Nancy Fucking Grace.
27. Fucking Madonna. Yeah, that’s right. Madge made the cut this week. For using a racist hashtag in reference to her son (gee thanks, Mom!). And for then telling “haters” (i.e. good people taking her to task for bad move) to “get off my dick”. Since when, lady, do you have a dick…or need one, even in the metaphorical sense? Are you not too old for this immature hipster shit yet?
28. David Fucking Brooks. Uh-oh. Look who is ignorant about the finite money supply, and the fact that if you squeeze a balloon at one end, the other end bulges! What are they paying this numbskull for, again? Certainly not his superior mind, because he hasn’t got one.
29. Rob Fucking Ford. Face it, Robbo…Kathleen Wynne just isn’t that into you. Also, have you forgotten that Norm Kelly has taken over most of your duties, onaccounta you’re a drug-addled freak?
30. Shia LaFucking Beouf. Waitasecond, I thought he was supposed to be retiring from the public eye. In the name of “artistic integrity”, which he totally lacks. Turns out he was trolling all along. Fuck off, troll!
31. Johnny Fucking Weir. Oh, Buttercup feels like he’s “under fire” for making dumb excuses about Russia’s anti-gay laws…which could very well end up affecting him and his spouse should they ever go to Sochi? Suck it up, Buttercup. You dug that hole yourself.
32. Jason Fucking Kenney. We have a “moral obligation” to support apartheid? What decade is this? The only difference is that this time it’s Israel. Last time that kind of bullshit was flying around, it was South Africa.
33. Paul Fucking Elam. Shorter: How dare that bitch, that whore, insinuate that we call women bitches and whores around here? MISANDRY!!!
34. Vladimir Fucking Putin. I’m sorry, Pooty-Poot, but you seem to have gays confused with child molesters. Save the dire warnings for the real pedophiles…the grown men who prey on girls. They kidnap an awful lot of Russian teenagers for the brothels of Europe and North America, after all.
35. Stephen Fucking Harper. You know your charm offensive is all offence and no charm when your tour of the only apartheid state in the middle east is being called a “vanity tour”. And rightly so, because it will be in vain. You’re not concerned in the least with human rights. And no one, over here or over there, is the least bit fooled by your flimflam.
36. Michael Fucking Grimm. Taking bribes from right-wing Israelis? Just another day’s work for another conservative crook. And of course, they love him in Likudnik Land.
37. Juan Pablo Fucking Galavis. So, a gay “Bachelor” would not be good for the kids, because “perverts”. And watching 20 pathetic women doff their dignity to throw themselves at a douchebag like him…would?
38. Sherri Fucking Shepherd. Oh look, another “love the sinner, hate the sin” person. Isn’t that two-faced shit getting tired yet? Because I sure am. And when it comes to bigotry, I don’t bother to love the sinner anymore.
39. Ron Fucking Webb. And speaking of bigotry and sinners not worth bothering to love, here’s one right now. Good on Pamela Raintree for calling his biblical bullshit out.
40. Justin Fucking Bieber. And suddenly we know why he’s been acting so shitty lately…hanging out in brothels, racist graffiti, spitting on fans, and egging neighbors’ houses. He’s been drinking a seriously grody sounding codeine cocktail! I had no idea that shit messed so hard with a person’s head. Is it the Jolly Rancher candies that do it?
And finally, to all the media and government figures this week who conspired together to minimize, whitewash and bulldoze all memory of the evil that Ariel Sharon did. No, he was NOT a “freedom fighter”. And no, he was not a “leader for peace”. One has only to look at his track record to see that he very thoroughly earned his sobriquets of butcher, bulldozer, and worse. Ariel Sharon laid the path not for peace, but for the Apartheid Wall, Operation Cast Lead, and all the indignities, miseries and deaths that Palestinians have had to suffer since Sabra and Shatila. You eulogize him, you whitewash bigotry and make a mockery of all who said “Never Again!” and meant it. At long last, have you bastards no shame?
Good night, and get fucked!