Wankers of the Week: Bibi and Harpo’s Excellent Bromance

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, it’s the dead of winter where I sit, but you’d never know it from the rate the sap is flowing. And no, it’s not the sweet, sweet juice of the maple trees. It’s something a lot more noxious. And here’s who’s been tapping it this week, in no particular order:

1. Stephen Fucking Harper. Hot on the heels of Ariel Fucking Sharon’s dismal send-off, Harpo has kicked off a tour of Israel. Light on human rights, heavy on asinine speeches, long on photo-ops, and short on substance. And making lots of lovey-dovey eyes at #2. Sounds pretty much par for the RoboPM’s course.

2. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. For rewarding book-burning fascists with honorary degrees, polluters with bird sanctuaries, and humanity’s enemies with blowjobs. What else?

3. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Poor people are starving, and half the world’s people are poor. And this assclown thinks that’s just fantastic! Why? More money for those who already have way more than they will ever fucking need or use, but who still won’t be satisfied until they have it all…and half the world is dead.

4. Dasha Fucking Zhukova. And speaking of #3’s beloved idiotic rich people, here’s one of them. Yes, sitting in a chair made out a black female mannequin is a great idea! Especially when you’re the wife of a Russian oligarch and it’s Martin Luther King Day just across the Bering Strait!

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5 and 6. Bob and Maureen Fucking McDonnell. And MOAR idiotic fucking rich people! These two just got indicted on corruption charges. And he used to be the governor of Virginia. Clearly, that state is for idiot-lovers.

7. Liam Fucking Payne. So, he’s a fan of Duck Dynasty for its “family values”? I guess he must really be into child brides, Jim Crow, and homophobia, then. Good thing I’m no fan of boy bands.

8. Caleb Fucking Hannan. How to spice up a boring story about a dubious “magical” golf club? Oh! I know! Let’s out the inventor of said device as a trans woman! That’ll get all eyes on the piece for sure. Shoot, who cares if she kills herself? Profit!

9. Lee Fucking Bright. Once again, he wanks, prompting me to advise him to change his middle name to “None Too”. And of course, as ever, it’s all about Teh Gunz. Because armed teachers are polite teachers, or some such hogjaw twaddle. And even a teacher should be allowed to carry machine guns and shoot up the school, because Second Amendment! YeeHAW!!!

10. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why?

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That’s why. Yup, in her ongoing quest for just the tiniest shred of relevance, Snowbilly Grifter played…the REAL race card. And tootled away on her racist dog-whistle, which ought to be getting pretty worn out by now.

11. Maria Conchita Fucking Alonso. Aww. Diddums haz a mad? Dat’s too bad. Cuz no one haz a sad.

12. Michele Fucking Tittler. “Political activist”? Try professional racist troll, lady. I mean, what else would one call someone who, though without a job and seemingly never leaving her house, registers scores of domain names on the Internet, in her father’s name, for the express purpose of harassing Native teenagers and trashing Idle No More? And she claims to be the “most stalked” person online? Um, no. Actually, lady, you’re the stalker. And you need to get the hell OFF and take a hard look at yourself. Even your own father is sick of your shit, because people think he’s the white supremacist in the family. Doesn’t that tell you anything?

13. Sam DeFucking Brito. Who knows better than women about how to be a feminist? Teh Menz. Of course. And their prescription for what ails us ladies? Moar celebration of token women in the corporate world. Yay! Thanks, guyz! Our fluffy widdle ladybrains could never have figured THAT one out!

14. Bill Fucking Blair. Talk to mentally ill people? Learn to disarm disturbed individuals without killing them? Heresy! No, let’s just arm cops with more Tasers. That’ll fix everything!

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15. Shawn Fucking Ketcheson. Church/state separation? What’s THAT? Oh, nothing. Which is why a gay-bashing preacher-man got to join Harpo’s little junket to take pix at the Wailing Wall and kiss Bibi’s ass.

16. L. Brooks Fucking Patterson. Wow. Racist much? Yeah, treating indigenous people like horses and turning Detroit into a corral is some original solution, all right. The question is, what’s your fucking problem? And why the hell is such a freak allowed to hold public office in MIchigan?

17. Mark Fucking Adler. Clamoring to be photographed with Bibi and Harpo at the Wailing Wall? That’s not a million-dollar shot, that’s a million-dollar WANK.

18. Anthony James Fucking Lescowitch. The cops may be dumb, but every so often, a crook is dumber. And sharing a police post about oneself on Facebook? Yup, that’s some prize stoopid right there.

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19 and 20. Rob and Doug Fucking Ford. Yup, Tweedledum and Tweedledee are at it again. And it looks like Robbo’s fallen off the wagon. How else to explain Bumblefuck’s “bumbaclot” moment, in which he suddenly and inexplicably started ranting in Jamaican slang? Even funnier, Dougie tried to cover for him again, only to have Robbo come out and admit that yes, he was having yet another of his drunken stupors. And this just weeks after his big “come to Jesus” moment. At this point, even Jesus is having nothing to do with the both of them.

21. Ted Fucking Nugent. Well, at least this fucker can no longer legitimately claim to be non-racist. Using terms like “subhuman” and “mongrel” for a biracial president — what is that if not the most blatant kind of racism?

22. Kathleen Fucking Tonn. Saunas are for relaxing in, or so one would think. But “saving” people’s souls by singing gibberish at them can apparently be done anywhere. No matter how fucking foolish it looks.

23. Vicky Fucking Hartzler. What have we here? An anti-choicer who has picked up on “men’s rights” rhetoric and is now sucking up to the most pathetic boys in school? Sure smells like it.

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24. Justin Fucking Bieber. And the wanks keep mounting. Booze, drugs and drag racing (in which he got his people to close off an intersection in Miami)? Yeah, that’s a winning combination. He’s lucky he didn’t have a deadly smuck-up à la whatsisface from the movies. And we…are NOT so lucky. Obviously. PS: Thuggy Doo smiles for his mugshot? STREET CRED, BITCHES. PPS: Oh, this is good. Looks like he plays pocket pool when under arrest, too. PPPS: Deportation? Oh, I’m so torn. On the one hand it would look good on him; on the other, we don’t fucking want him back! PPPPS: Michael Jackson? No comparison.

25. Lila Fucking Rose. So, abortion “doesn’t un-rape a woman”? Well, sweetie, neither does denying her the right to choose. Actually, it’s more like raping her all over again. If she didn’t have a choice about getting attacked, she should at least have one for what comes after…but Lie-là’s not bright enough to figure that out, it seems.

26. George Fucking Zimmerman. Yup, him again. This week, he’s selling an ugly painting of the so-called prosecutor who threw his trial and let him off the hook for what should have been murder one, open and shut. That’s gratitude for you! PS: And whaddya know…this is exercise in paint-by-numbers hideousness is ALSO plagiarized.

27. Rogerio Fucking Scotton. And speaking of him-again: Yay, Florida Man! Your wack-ass shit just never seems to grow old. Or quit mutating.

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28. Mike Fucking Huckabee. No, birth control does NOT let women’s libidos run away with them. And it’s really rich of you to say that women should control theirs when insurance covers Viagra for men like you. Fess up, Hucky Fudd…you really don’t have a clue how these things work, do you?

29. Suzanne Fucking Atanus. If autism and Alzheimer’s are God’s punishments for same-sex marriage and abortion, what’s that awful hair a punishment for…raging stupidity? Must be.

30. Rita Fucking Roark. If you believe the Bible is “100% true”, you have no business teaching science; that shit claims that the Earth is the centre of the Universe, the Sun revolves around it, and the Moon generates its own light…all of which are 100% FALSE. And if you go calling kids stupid (with ALL FUCKING CAPS AND STRINGS OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!) just because their religion isn’t YOUR religion, you have no business teaching…PERIOD.

31. Sara Fucking Ebarb. And further to #30: “This is the Bible Belt” is NOT an excuse. It is, however, a pretty good explanation for why local kids are doing so poorly on standardized tests and just generally failing at life. They don’t teach critical thinking in Christian “public” schools.

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32. Mike Fucking Turner. The constitution says absolutely nothing about marriage, gay or straight. Maybe that’s why Oklahoma Repugs are trying to ban all marriages in the name of screwing the gays, eh? BTW, I’m pretty sure this goes against the constitutional purpose of ensuring domestic tranquility.

33. Mike Fucking Weatherley. Oh noes, commercial advertisers aren’t happy with people pirating stuff and skipping their time-wasting mental fluff! What to do? Criminalize that. Of COURSE.

34. David Fucking Cameron. Oh noes, the “liberal, enlightened” UK Conservative government isn’t happy with press criticism? Well, there’s just one thing to be done about that: Make them sign on to a “voluntary” charter…OR ELSE!

35. Brandon Fucking Wade. Wendy Davis is proof of WHAT? No, she isn’t. Go away, you sleazy feckin’ pimp.

36. Scott Fucking Desjarlais. Uh oh, somebody is unclear on the concept of religious freedom. Doesn’t surprise me that it’s him; he’s unclear on a lot of other concepts as well, the biggest one being HYPOCRISY.

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37. Hannah Fucking Wallen. If you seriously believe that the female of every species is nastier than the male, you’ve obviously never had a man. Very convenient for you, dear, but it makes your arguments seriously devoid of reason and logic…and, ironically, bolsters your male MRA pals’ assertions that women are fucking stupid.

38. François Fucking Hollande. I guess this week’s big news was a bit of a foregone conclusion, eh? Meanwhile, I’m still waiting for all the oh-so-erudite and sophisticated commentators of the media to acknowledge that if he were Françoise, abandoning Valéry for Jules, there wouldn’t be any of this blasé Gallic shrugging, but a major scandale, and serious questions about the mental fitness of madame la présidente.

39. Tom Fucking Perkins. Oh noes, the rich elites are being persecuted again! Yeah, why don’t you just go full-on Godwin there, Mr. Google Bus Man. It’s not like no one has ever heard the Holocaust metaphor being done to death before. Shit, what’s one more?

40. Tony Fucking Blair. Oh, so “extremist religion” is to blame for this century’s wars, says Dubya’s poodle? Since when is western imperialism a religion? (I’ll grant him that it IS pretty extreme, though.)

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And finally, to Amnesty Fucking International. Yes, that’s right, a so-called human rights organization made the cut this week…for suddenly, conveniently forgetting (in contrast to their position just a few years ago) that women are human beings, not commodities to be bought, sold, trafficked, pimped, raped and abused by men. It wouldn’t be the first time they’ve done this, either…remember how, during the 1980s, they sided with anti-choicers, quaintly calling it “neutrality”? I do, and it’s why I still refuse to donate. It’s also why I’ll be thinking twice about signing on to any more Amnesty petitions in future. Thankfully, they have long since ceased to be the only game in town.

Good night, and get fucked!

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