Wankers of the Week: Polar Vortex of Shame

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy 2014! Last year was craptacular, and this year promises to be no different. And this year opened up with a stone cold bang…or a cryoseism, if you want to be quite scientific about it. A polar vortex swept down over most of North America and wrought havoc on the Yanks, who apparently have no idea what real winter weather feels like, if all the moaning is any indication. ‘Course it’s easy for me to talk, I’m Canadian, eh? I’m used to this sort of thing. Not polar vortices, so much, of course, but icy weather in general. It was so cold, even escaped prisoners were clamoring to be let back into jail! Meanwhile, here’s who deserved to be left out to freeze their asses off this week:

1. and 2. Amy Fucking Chua and Jed Fucking Rubenfeld. Let’s open with a two-fer, shall we? Because this poo-brained pair has easily double the dumbth that all the rest of the fuckers of this list have as individual idiots. After all, it takes a special kind of stoopid to argue, on the one hand, in favor of “only successful individuals”, while simultaneously asserting that some groups are just “naturally” superior. Well, which is it? Individuals or groups? Oh, I see: She’s “superior” because she’s Chinese, and he because he’s Jewish. Superiority due to stereotype? Yeah, that makes a shitload of sense.

3. Evander Fucking Holyfield. And while we’re on the topic of doublethink and doubleplusdumbth: According to this leading expert, being gay is either a choice, or a “handicap” that you can “fix”. Well, which is it? Because you’re arguing that it’s both, and that’s not logical. Now, here’s a question for you: When did you, Mr. Holyfield, decide to be black? And how do you plan on “fixing” THAT? Oh wait: It’s not a handicap? Even though there’s a standing prejudice against your color, just as there is against gay people? And it can’t be “fixed”? Well, imagine that!

4. Cory Fucking Bernardi. Why?

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That’s why. Also, he thinks Australia is “western civilization”. Last time I checked, it was located just below the Far East. Silly me, having those pesky map-reading skills and all!

5. Trestin Fucking Meacham. If you’re going to throw a tantrum about not getting what you want, shouldn’t you just hold your breath until you turn blue and pass out? It’s quicker. Also, you’re in Utah. How about you hunger-strike against polygamy, which is what most people opposing same-sex marriage claim is their motivator? Oh…I see. You’re a Mormon. THAT kind of traditional marriage is A-okay with you! PS: Ha, ha. Suck it, Starvey Milk!

6. Richard Fucking Mack. Ooooooo, he’s calling for an “uprising”. Against gays who are “shoving” their basic human rights “down our throats”! Such an interesting choice of language there. I wonder what he’s really trying to tell us.

7. Steven Fucking Seagal. Don’t you dare call him irrelevant! Yeah, so he can’t do a split between two moving trucks. And yeah, so it has been dog’s years since he’s made a movie worth paying attention to (if you’re into that sort of thing). But so what? He wants to be the Gropenator of Aryanfuckingzona and kill lotsa Mexicans, you guyz!

8. Joshua Lee Fucking Werbicki. Oh Florida Man, you never disappoint me. It really does take a certain je ne sais quoi to rape a German Shepherd!

9. George W. Fucking Bush. Why?

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Because Dubya’s a twerp…who TWERKS. That’s why.

10. Levi Fucking Carter. Congratulations, dude, you broke the Breathalyzer. Why the hell are you not dead of your own drunken stupidity?

11. Jenny Fucking Lauren. Yeah, yeah, so non-reclining airplane seats are a huge pain in the ass. You know it, I know it, the whole air-travelling WORLD knows it. But grounds for a bout of shit-faced air rage it is not. Get over yourself, princess.

12. Micah Fucking Uetricht. So, you found out the hard way that hot water can still scald you when it’s way below freezing out and you’re too dumb to throw it with the wind instead of against it? Good for you, dear. Good for you.

13. Chris Fucking McDaniel. What’s to blame for gun violence? No, not a gun-glorifying culture. And no, not the way-too-easy availability of guns on every fucking street corner in Amurrica. Nosirree! It’s that damn hippity-hop that all those black kids are listening to! And it’s turning white kids into niggruhs! Yeah, when all else fails, just blame the hippity-hop! (No, of COURSE you’re not racist. Nosirree.)

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14. The Fucking Robertsons. Speaking of gun-culture dumbasses: Yup, they’ve wanked their way right into the new year. Phil is a filthy old child-bride enthusiast as well as a racist homophobe, and the rest of the fake redneck clan has a line of guns with their stupid “reality” show’s logo on ’em out. Time to yank that show from the air for good, yes?

15. Andrew Fucking Davidson. Some people should never take even one drink, because it tends to run away with them, and they try to run away with the trolley it came on. Like this dude, who was so taken with the drinks cart that he actually tried to hump it.

16. Art Fucking Laffer. Bad economics is like a bad penny…it keeps on coming back to haunt. And look! Ronnie Ray-Gun’s pal Artie decided to be that tarnished old cent, complete with racism thrown in for free! Next up: An earnest, “expert” defence of slavery and how it abolishes black teen unemployment.

17. Mark Fucking Connelly. What is it with megachurch pastors committing adultery? I bet his parishioners are relieved at least to know that he’s only screwing around with other women, and not pulling a Ted Fucking Haggard.

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18. Roger Fucking Ailes. Perverted AND paranoid. Ah yes — the moral rectitude and levelheadedness of FUX Snooze, ladies ‘n’ gents.

19. Leslie Fucking Combs. Why in the holy hell are you bringing a gun to work in your state capitol? Oh yeah…it’s Kenfuckingtucky, where gunsuckers are everywhere, and brains are made of pucky. That’s why.

20. Ben Fucking Carson. No, marijuana use does NOT lead to flashbacks years later (or at all). You’re thinking of LSD. And you’re a fucking neurosurgeon, too! How can you be so obtuse when it comes to the totally germane issue of Your Brain On Drugs?

21. Philip Fucking Pereira. The only thing worse than blaming a teenage rape victim for her rape (and the child porn her attackers made of it), is blaming her family for it after she commits suicide. At long last, sir, have you fucking defence attorneys no fucking SHAME?

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22. Glenn Fucking Grothman. No, you know what’s fuckin’ goofy? You are. And you know what kills freedom? Having to work seven days a week, no time off, for somebody else’s profit. Honestly, it’s like every day is Backwards Day in Repug Land…

23. Ivan Fucking Okhlobystin. Oh, how cute…he wants Pooty-Poot to ban homosexuality outright. As though that would work. I have a better idea: How about the world bans HIM? Those ugly tattoos are scaring my cats. His homophobia is even MORE hideous, however. And I don’t want any of that hatred poisoning my nephews and nieces!

24. John Fucking Stossel. Women are staying single for “handouts”? Funny, that’s what I thought they got married for: marriage tax benefits, baby bonuses, etc. Why the hell is this incredibly stupid misodge still stinking up the airwaves with this poverty-pimping bullshit? We can haz rid of him, pls?

25. James Fucking Inhofe. And speaking of stinking up the air, can we get rid of this God-bothering climate change denier too? Kthxbai.

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26. Doug Fucking Ford. Looks like Robbo’s not the only denizen of Frod Nation who has reached the limits of public tolerance. Dougie got told to STFU this week, and there is no doubt that he richly deserved it, and was LONG overdue. Let’s savor the sweetness of it while it lasts, because we don’t know how long it will hold.

27. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. If you needed a reason to boycott Israeli crap, the Dershbag has just supplied you with one. I didn’t need it, as I’m already boycotting…but thanks anyway!

28. Gregory Fucking Beck. Yes, buying your fellow gunfuckers ammo for 26 days is the perfect way to honor 26 victims from a school gun massacre! I mean, fuck the families of the Sandy Hook victims if they can’t take a little joke from a member of their local school board, right?

29. Chris Fucking Christie. At this rate, I think we’d be easily justified in calling him the Rob Fucking Ford of New Jersey. The comparisons are inescapable. All that’s missing from his unconvincing blather is a “maybe I did it in one of my drunken stupors”.

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30. Rob Fucking Ford. Robbo goes to Queen’s Park for money just days after claiming that TO has $50 million to spare? Sure it does…if it’s coming from the Ontario Legislature’s coffers. I thought you said “no more gravy train”, Robbo! So why the hell are you on that choo-choo, then?

31. Maxim Fucking Martsinkevich. Yo, Cuba? Throw this fascist bum out. He clashes with your LGBT-progressive values.

32. Tom Fucking McInerney. If you ain’t got names, you ain’t got evidence of a fucking conspiracy. Hell, the McCarthy hearings were a bad joke, but even they came up with some names. And you’re a fucking ex-Air Force general! Have you no dignity, or are you just a sucker for every stupid rumor that comes along? Pro tip: If it originated with Frank Fucking Gaffney, it’s bullshit.

33. Ted Fucking Cruz. Dude. You are never going to become president, because no one with any brains will vote for you. STFU already, and sit the hell down.

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34. Michael Fucking Convery. Finally, a little good sense on the Internet hate speech front — a racist Twitter troll who threatened two black soccer players with death is going to jail. And he looks just as charming as I’d picture him, too! Let’s hope this case sets a precedent for other Twitter-trolling cases, especially the misogynist kind.

35. Shia LaFucking Beouf. So, he’s finally retiring from public life in the name of — get this — artistic integrity. He doesn’t even have the integrity to spell his surname correctly (it’s Le Boeuf, you fucking meathead!), let alone quit plagiarizing shit, but whatever. At least we don’t have to look at his smirky talentless mug anymore. Art is smelling cleaner already.

36. Justin Fucking Bieber. Isn’t it a bit late for Halloween pranks? And aren’t you a bit old to go around egging other people’s houses? On the bright side, at least one 13-year-old girl (the daughter of the neighbor in question, who had to call police) is sure NOT to be a Belieber from now on.

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37 and 38. Ryan Fucking Bensen and Erica Fucking Manley. Oregon, are you trying to give Florida competition for the coveted spot of Most Fucked-Up State in the Union? Because damn, girl, tipping one’s waitress in crystal meth is good for major points in that direction.

39. Paul Fucking Elam. Oooooo, do we have a scandal? We do! The Greatest Human Rights Movement in the History of Fucking EVAR is being run by a fuckin’ wimp who not only whines and kvetches for dollars with which he does precisely NOTHING (other than whine and kvetch and piss and moan), but is actually being financially supported by…get this…A WOMAN. Yes, Paulie, tell us again how men are so oppressed and women are totally running the fucking show. Meanwhile, how about being honest and accountable to the poor deluded schmucks who send you donations?

40. James Fucking Wiedmann. Meanwhile, on the other side of the Bozosphere, the pickup artist formerly known as Heartiste chided a creepy stalker for being neither creepy nor stalky enough. Because the whole world knows that you gotta rape your way into a lady’s heart, right?

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And finally, to all the idiotic asshats who think that just because we still have winter (and deep, cold dips in the jet stream!), there can’t be any such thing as global warming. Yes, there is, and it’s happening regardless of what the weather is doing. While you’re all wanking about how cold your sorry asses are, and posting unfunny “Al Gore was WRONG” memes, Australia is burning the hell up, and meteorologists have had to add two extra shades of Goddamn Fucking Hot to their maps. Did all of you sleep through science and geography in grade school? If you’d stayed awake, you’d know that the Earth’s axial tilt is the reason we have summers and winters, and not summer-all-year-round. If you had stayed awake in middle school, you’d know that weather is not climate. And if you’d paid attention in high school, you’d know that average ocean temperatures over long periods of time, and not just what the thermometer outside your window says on any given day, are the actual measure of climate change. And those temperatures have risen dramatically since the start of the Industrial Revolution. But I’m sure that to you, this is all just a malign coincidence, and you’d rather get back to watching American Idiot, or whatever it is that interests you so much more than how your own world actually works.

Good night, and get fucked!

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