Wankers of the Week: Attack of the Lost (Sex) Toy People

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Looks like the silly season is well under way. Did you know it was possible to lose a sex toy inside of yourself for ten whole years? I did not know that. But this week I learned a lot of things. Including just how fucking stupid some people can be. And here’s who was it this week, in no particular order:

1. Joseph Fucking Carl. First cracker out of the box, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s Florida Man! This time, he got drunk and ran himself over with his own truck in a fit of road rage. It just doesn’t get more Wang State than that, does it?

2. Arya Fucking Toufanian. Didn’t like Girls Gone Wild? Well, then, you’re probably gonna hate I’m Shmacked, which is the same shit but with drunk-off-their-ass college kids of all sexes making asses of themselves. Why anyone would WANT to buy videos of that when they could just stop by any college-town bar, I don’t know. And apparently, the idiot in charge of the franchise is very touchy about a little thing like that, so much so that he’s willing to threaten to ass-rape anyone whose articles he hasn’t read if he thinks they’re even the least bit critical of his fucking idiot venture.

3. Mordechai Fucking Kedar. Claiming that the rape of Arab women “deters suicide bombers” is not only false, it’s virtually guaranteed to spark more of the same. Oh yeah, and by the way, it’s also RAPE CULTURE WRIT FUCKING LARGE, MOTHERFUCKER.

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4. John Fucking Schindler. Unhinged? Him? Why, whatever makes you suggest such a — BENGHAZI! BENGHAZI!! BENFUCKINGHAZI!!! Also, PENIS.

5. Nick Fucking Bilton. The demise of the pen has not only been premature and greatly exaggerated (but only by you) — it hasn’t even fucking happened. There are touch-screen styluses with ballpoint pens built right in. I own one. The stylus gave up the ghost long ago, but the pen still works! Bro, do you even SHOP?

6. John Fucking Baird. Pull in your tongue, Squealer, you’re embarrassing us. AGAIN. And wipe that santorum off your chin, too.

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7. Chad Fucking PIckering. Another ground-stander stands his ground. Only — ha, ha — it’s not his, but that of the teenage girl he shot because she had the nerve to ask him to stop bombing around on his lawnmower in her parents’ yard. Oops! Oh, and get this: The trigger-happy fucking asshole worked for a young offenders’ facility, too!

8. Terry Fucking Davis. “Not sexually dangerous”, even though he assaulted a 16-year-old AND so traumatized a dog he molested that the animal “became aggressive” and had to be put down. Yeah…not dangerous at all, that one.

9. Tom Fucking Greer. Oh yay, another fucking ground-stander. How could anyone be proud of killing a pregnant woman, let alone by shooting her in the back — twice — like a true fucking coward? And oh yeah, the man who was with her got away, because this asshole was too busy “sending him a message”. Yeah, by committing cold-blooded murder and picking on the one who couldn’t run faster. Great message, not clouded in the least!

10. Ted Fucking Nugent. So, indigenous people are “vermin”? Well, it’s nice to finally know where you stand on the issue, Ted. Now go fuck yourself.

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11. Mark Fucking Landis. And because it wouldn’t be a true wankapedia without at least one true wanker, here ya go. This bathroom bandit had the unique idea of inviting students to his house, and then capturing their use of his toilet on video via a camera hidden in the Kleenex box. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!

12. Pat Fucking Robertson. Nice to know that Patwa, for one, hasn’t changed since the fucking Dark Ages. And that he has so much in common with honor-killers from other parts of the world, too! But hey, at least he’s all for shotgun marriage, so I guess that’s progress…sorta.

13. Robert Fucking Durst. The rich really are different from the rest of us. In addition to getting away with wife abuse, murder (and dismemberment, which he even confessed to), this “eccentric” heir now amuses himself by pissing on candy in drugstores. Hey, who says money can’t buy you everything?

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14. James David Fucking Manning. So, to recap: “Homo demons” and “sexually charged women” bad, guns all over the fucking place good. And this in Dealey Plaza, the scene of what might just be the most famous gun homicide in the world. Truly, the ways of deranged preachers are mysterious to God and man alike.

15. Rob Fucking Ford. Surprise! Ford Fest was a shitshow. This is quite understandable, since Robbo has the reverse Midas touch going on.

16. Mark Fucking Giannini. And further to the “rich people aren’t like the rest of us” thing, how about this one…who roofied a woman applying for a job as a maid, and then raped her nine ways till Friday? And has a whole stash of equipment suggesting that this isn’t his first rodeo?

17. Jody Fucking Hice. How fucking backward is the state of Georgia? Backward enough to vote for idiots who didn’t get the memo that women no longer need their husbands’ permission to do ANYTHING, apparently.

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18. John C. Fucking Wright. Men are “Christ-like” and “alpha males”? Women must obey them because of that? Um, see the wanker right below for evidence of just how fucking wrong that all is. Or, to put it in simpler terms, which even this dreck-writing moron should understand: Whom would Jesus KO?

19. Stephen Fucking Smith. Women “provoke” violence against themselves? Um, I thought that the myth of female masochism was dead. Nope! It lives on in shitty sports commentators making shitty comments about footballers who apparently just can’t contain their urge to hit a defenceless woman and knock her unconscious. And only get a two-game suspension for it, whereas pot-smoking would get them 16. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

20. Calvin Fucking Greene. What are you, the Sperm Nazi? Only in Alberta could a sperm-bank director be this presumptuously nosy-parkerish (and weirdly specific) about the lives of his white clients, and their motives for seeking out non-white sperm donors.

21. Anthony Fucking Novellino. I’m sorry, but any man who’d stab his soon-to-be ex-wife 84 times over the fact that she was allegedly “messy” is the one who should be wearing the fucking pig mask himself. Murder is murder, but doing that kind of indignity to a dead body is one helluva wank.

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22. Roger Ray Fucking Ireland. When you’re a crook on the run, never say “never”…because “never”, in the context of “you’ll never catch me”, turns out to be less than 24 hours long.

23. Thomas Fucking McGuinness. Florida Man strikes again…and this time, it’s to claim he “only shot that cat twice”. Maybe someone should only shoot HIM twice. With any luck, it’ll be the meanest old cat lady in the neighborhood.

24. Pamela Fucking Michener. No, black kids don’t stink. But your fucking racism does! And if you’re going to go on a rant about “discipline”, how about exercising some over your own mouth?

25. Philip Fucking Cattan. How the hell does one fall asleep during a child-sex-abuse trial? How the fucking hell does one sleep through testimony like that? Go home, judge, you’re drunk.

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And finally, to fucking PETA. They’ve offered to turn the water in Detroit on again if all the poor folks go vegan. Yes! Great idea! They’re probably all anemic and malnourished as hell to begin with, so let’s get them to commit to a lifestyle that could end up making them even less healthy! What could possibly go wrong? Oh, I dunno. But then again, I’m not the sort of person who thinks of every tragedy and disaster in the world as fodder for an opportunistic fucking publicity stunt. And I’m not the sort of person who sees the less-fortunate as fair game for advancing an ideology, either.

Good night, and get fucked!

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