Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, what a fucking week it’s been. So full of wanks that the ‘pedia is already full up on a Friday night. Which suits me fine; I don’t mind moving it up a day if you don’t mind me doing so either. So, let’s hop to it. In no particular order, we have:
1. Jeff Fucking Duncan. Uh, idiot? Those Syrian refugees aren’t about to turn into the very people they’re fleeing from. That would be you, Repugs I mean, and your constant obsession with demons. Thanks a lot for playing into Daesh’s hands, moron.
2. April Fucking Major. “Putting country first” = not doing eyelash extensions for “muslin” women? Allll righty then. Congrats, April, you’re a fucking wanker!
3. Brad Fucking Wall. No no no, he says, we can’t take Syrian refugees in yet! Even though we promised to. They’ll just have to stay in Europe, where nobody seems to want to let them pass through, and where PEGIDA and other assorted Nazi factions are not even waiting for them to make one false move before harassing, terrorizing and killing them. And this is supposed to protect Canada from terrorism HOW, again?
4. Kay Fucking Burley. Why?
That’s why. It’s like she’s never seen a dog before. They ALWAYS look sad! Especially if they think someone’s gonna throw them a doggie treat. And just think, this woman is purportedly a journalist. If all her reporting is of this calibre, it’s no wonder people are so monstrously ill-informed.
5. Stephen Fucking Anderson. No, gays and abortion did NOT cause the Paris attacks. Terrorists did. Terrorists who think a lot like you. Because you’re all fucking idiots with your heads so far up your own butts that you’re all running off your own shit-fumes.
6. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. Not content to fuck up National Geographic beyond all recognition, now Rupee’s meddling with the US immigration system, too. Hey, Rupee: Go back Down Under, ya fucking freak. PS: Ha, ha.
7. Candice Fucking Bergen. No, not the actress; the HarpoCon MP from Manitoba. Who is now an embarrassment to her constituents, her province, and indeed to all of Canada with her sore-loser, ultra-partisan, racist, bass-ackwards, anti-refugee stance. Shame on you, Candy — SHAME ON YOU.
8. Jason Fucking Kenney. And speaking of embarrassments, how about our former defence minister, who is so spectacularly dim that he doesn’t even know what “a majority” means? I am counting our blessings that he IS a “former” now, and hoping he’s not a “future” ANYTHING.
9. Robin Fucking Campbell. And while we’re on the subject of Cons, partisanship and embarrassments to Canada, how about the former Alberta minster of the environment? Now he’s sold his soul to Big Coal. If indeed it wasn’t in their pocket all along. But at least, now that he’s signed on as their lobbyist, they’ve made an honest man of him. Or at least, as honest as a man like him could ever get.
10 and 11. Stuart Fucking Varney and Mark Fucking Steyn. Yeah, I bet you two are just fapping your dicks off at the prospect of Bernie Sanders being beheaded by Daesh. Between the climate-change denialism, the militarism and the overall fucking stupidity and gross immaturity of these two middle-aged farts, I am rapidly running out of face to palm.
12. Tony Fucking Dale. And speaking of fucking stupidity and gross immaturity in men old enough to know better, how about this Texas state rep? Yup, put him down as one of those who cream their jeans for guns, but wet their pants over Daesh. How about just making guns harder to get all around? No, obviously that’s much too logical and straightforward a solution. It would never fly in Texas…
13. Martin Alan Fucking Schnitzler. Oh Florida Man, what would a wankapedia be without you, whipping it out so obligingly? Only — and this is embarrassing — local Muslims have absolutely nothing to do with what happened in Paris. In fact, no real Muslim does. Aren’t you embarrassed yet? You should be. Now put it back in your pants, do your zipper back up, and never speak of it again!
14 and 15. Elisabeth Fucking Hasselbeck and Joni Fucking Ernst. Oh boo hoo hoo, racist conservatives have their widdle feelings hurt. And all because sensible people are calling them by their right name: BIGOTS. If the shoe fits, wear it — and if it hurts, wear it anyway. High time you felt what it was like to be singled out, instead of doing it all the time yourself. And knock off all this idiotic talk of “pausing” — your “pauses” are costing actual people, INNOCENT people, their LIVES, you idiotesses.
16. John Fucking Kasich. Meanwhile, from the world of People Who Want To Be POTUS But Never Will, we get this guy. Who, apparently, thinks the failed efforts of Radio Martí are worth replicating, this time in the Arab world and with “Judeo-Christian” crapaganda, as opposed to anti-communist crapaganda aimed at Cuba. Good luck with that!
17. Jeb Fucking Bush. Yes, Jebby is still in the running too, as odd as that may sound. And he has similar ideas, too. Only take in Syrian refugees if they’re Christian and can be profen not to turn terrorist! Well, gee, that sounds doable. (And yes, that last was sarcasm, in case you needed to know.)
18. Ted Fucking Cruz. And then there’s THIS guy. Who has clearly never heard of Oklahoma City. Or clinic bombings. Or doctor shootings. Or the hundreds of thousands of domestic terror incidents that women in his own country face every day, from their own white, Christian men. Fuck this guy!
19. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Yay, he finally came clean about having HIV this week! Unfortunately, it was in response to a feared “shakedown” from all the women he might have infected through unprotected sex. And it comes following the expenditure of some $10 million in hush money alone. Also, he has the temerity to do it because he thinks these women — whom he despised and disparaged the whole time — are “taking money from his kids!” Never mind that he SPENT money on those women, paying them to put up with his sexual shit, that could have gone toward child support. (That, and drugs out the wazoo.) And now, nobody’s ever gonna want to sleep with him again. But hey! At least he’s got his “Adonis DNA” and “tiger blood” to keep him warm. Winning!
20. Kurt Fucking Schlichter. And while we’re on the subject of oversexed d-bags who deserve to die alone, how about this guy? He’s actually written some literal gore-porn featuring Daesh! And right-wing idiots massacring innocents in “gun-free” shopping malls, too! Amurrica, fuck yeah!
21. Tom Fucking Lukiwski. He calls his NDP opponent a whore, then denies it and claims he called her a “horde”. Since when does one single woman an entire horde make? Since Conservatives kept flunking grammar at school, no doubt. Stay classy, Tom, you witless motherfucker. PS: And fuck you double since you cost this brave journalist her job, asshole.
22. John Fucking Bradford. And speaking of classy: How about that resurrected Twinkie Defence? Yeah, sure, we’ll buy the idea that Jared Fucking Fogle didn’t go from “mild” pedophilia to full-on child-fucking until he went on the Subway diet and lost over 200 pounds. Who knew that veggie and turkey subs had the power to bring out the child molester in us all? (And by that token — why, after all those meatball footlongs on whole wheat I ate, have I not turned into a raving nymphomaniac?)
23. Donald Fucking Trump. Yup, he’s gone full Nazi. Or rather, he’s been one all along, and just chose to let that ol’ swastika fly this week. I’d invite him to bend over and kiss his chances goodbye, but his head is so far up is ass that his toupee is currently tickling his appendix.
24. David Fucking Bowers. And speaking of Nazis, how about this one? He thinks internment camps are a good idea. Yeah, ask the US Japanese how that worked out for them, you moron. Or just go learn some fucking history. PS: He wasn’t expecting it to go viral? Dude, learn what this here newfangled thing is. It’s called the Internet.
25. Chris Fucking Christie. Yes, bubba, you heard right. That Syrian passport is now a confirmed FAKE. And not a single refugee was involved in the Paris bombing, except perhaps on the victim side. Who the fuck shoots up Cambodian restaurants, anyway?
26. Tyrone Paul Fucking Ponthieux. Oooooooo, watch out, we got a badass over here! No, wait, false alarm. We just got ourselves an ass. A typical ammosexual who just had to tell the whole world how very small his genitalia actually are.
27. David Fucking Frum. Gawd, his mother must be doing somersaults in her grave right now, knowing that her son is handling Daesh’s propaganda. Almost as embarrassing as when he was doing the same job for Dubya, eh?
28. Kevin Fucking Swanson. And glory be! Here’s yet another self-righteous white guy doing Daesh’s propaganda for them. Man, that terror mafia has more fucking tentacles than I ever dreamed!
29. Ann Fucking Wagner. And yet another right-wing white person doing Daesh’s dirty work. Jeez, I’m sensing a trend here, or something.
30. James Fucking O’Keefe. Yet another fucking white guy, more Daesh crapaganda, yadda yadda yadda snzzzzz.
And finally, to all the fucking idiots from Canada’s Pants who are planning to move up here if your state decides to take in Syrian refugees. Uh, you DO realize that your states can’t legally do that, right? And that Canada is still planning to take at least 25,000 of those same refugees you don’t want, right? Right? RIGHT???
Good night, and get fucked!