Wankers of the Week: Year-End Yahoos

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Crappy New Year, everyone! Well, that was the ass end of the year that was, and I’m not a bit sorry to be kicking this crap to the curb. 2015 sucked hard, and the people listed here are just a small part of why. This list is gonna be a bit short, but not sweet, so let’s get right to it, shall we?

1. Ethan Fucking Couch. Well, look what the gato dragged in…and just in time for the tail end of the holidays! Yes, Affluenza Boy has been busted…in Mexico. And in disguise. It still couldn’t hide his weaselly eyes, though. Better luck next time, Ethan…if there’s a next time. Ha, ha.

2. Dustin Fucking Hill. And speaking of weasels, how about this guy’s take on racism? Yeah, man, let’s all do a buttload of hallucinogens, that’ll fix it. And the Middle Passage, and the slave and Jim Crow eras, not to mention all the racism still going strong to this very day? Pssssh, just a fantasy. Never happened. Samesies for sexism. Brilliant!

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3. David Fucking Cameron. Ol’ Pigfucker has a lot to answer for…and playing American Pie with headcheese is the least of it. Much less sensational, but more disturbing and insidious, is his decision to award a knighthood to that OTHER pigfucker…Lynton Fucking Crosby, the Blunder from Down Under. And the one whose lack of compunctions about using racist dogwhistles helped our nonhero to “win” his race while helping our own pigfucker, Stephen Fucking Harper, to LOSE his. “Sir Pigfucker” has quite the ring to it, indeed.

4. Mark Fucking Salling. Oh hey, some actor got caught with a buttload of child sex abuse photos on his computer. No biggie. Move along, folks. Nothing to see here.

5. Scott Fucking Allen. Shorter: Follow the Prince of Peace, or be destroyed! Uh, dude…you do realize how contradictory you sound, do you not? Especially since the real Jesus, if he existed, would probably vomit all over your voting record.

6. Fucking Reddit. Why?

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Seriously, fuck Reddit. It’s Troll Central, and has been for too long already.

7. Melissa Fucking Klein. No, dear, that was not “God’s money”. God doesn’t deal in cash. It’s called rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, you ignorant little shit. Read your fucking bible for once! And while you’re at it, how about you and your hipster hubby also taking to heart the bit about turning the other fucking cheek?

8. Donald Fucking Trump. That’s right, Donnie, deflect all discussion from your own extensive history of woman-abuse by babbling about Bill Clinton. Never mind that he’s not even in the running as a precandidate this time around. Yeah, that’ll work! Meanwhile, here comes a blast from your past, about to bite your ass. PS: Smooth move, Ex-Lax! Enjoy your new job as a terrorist recruiter! It’s the only position you’ll be hired for this year. Ha, ha.

9. Rick Fucking Santorum. Never mind that the DOMA was ruled unconstitutional in 2013. Icky Ricky Buttsploodge swears he’ll enforce it if he’s elected president. That’s a pretty big IF, right there. As is overturning Roe v. Wade for a so-called “personhood” amendment, which will also never pass.

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10. Sabrina Fucking Lowe. Oh, look who has a firm grip on God’s ear. Another of Her botherers, one who thinks that she has the power to make the Big Lady Upstairs divert a tornado! Listen, honey: If you can do THAT, why not just ask God to stop ALL tornadoes, altogether? Too logical for ya?

11. Ziony Fucking Zevit. Is that even a real name? Oh, who cares. I’m just glad the whole Adam and Eve story is in fact a myth, because if Eve WAS created from Adam’s penis, that would mean he couldn’t have begotten the human race with her.

12. Jerry Fucking Lewis. Nice to know that Syrian refugees don’t even count as human to some people. Aaaaand THAT is why we have Syrian refugees: Because somebody, somewhere, didn’t think they were human and deserving of a home safe enough to live in.

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13. Jonathan Fucking Stickland. Would it surprise you greatly to know that a teabagger was too stupid to figure out how to grow his own pot, once upon a time? And that he gave an easily traceable AOL address out on a pot website, too? No? Oh good, because this guy is THAT guy. And good news, he’s not totally reformed. He still thinks rape jokes are funny! Which ought to be as good a clue as any that he’s still smoking dope. There is just no other way that kind of joke would not suck otherwise.

14. Brad Fucking Schultz. Well, let’s hear it for his former workplace; they fired him when a racist turd he left on Black Lives Matter’s Facebook page came to their attention. The wonder is that it’s taken that much to expose him. But in a world where white guys so often get away with murder, it’s a minor miracle.

15. Jeffrey Fucking Feulner. Would it suprise you greatly to learn that a “Men’s Rights” lawyer, kinda-sorta famous for helping divorcing men to screw their estranged and soon-to-be-ex-spouses out of a fair settlement, is getting divorced himself? And that the grounds for it is spousal abuse — the latest incident coming just three days before HIS estranged wife filed the papers? NO? Well, all righty then!

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16. Marco Fucking Rubio. Would it surprise you greatly to learn that he threw his weight around to help his no-good brother-in-law get a real-estate licence? NO? Well, all righty then! PS: Yes, you SHOULD be kicked out of Congress. You do-nothing motherfucking idiot!

17. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Would it surprise you greatly to learn that she is quite possibly even more loopy than her boss, Der Donald? And that she’s also a convicted fraud and shoplifter? AND a conspiracy tinfoiler, too? NO? Well. All RIGHTY then!

18 and 19. Josh Fucking Moore and Al Fucking Baldasaro. So, women breastfeeding in public is a perfectly natural excuse for men to stare at their boobs and grope them? Talk about missing the fucking memo. And also, talk about a fucking pervert looking for excuses to do just that. Ugh. And oh dear Bog, the atrocious grammar and spelling. What is it with these pathetic halfwits who keep getting elected under the Repugnican banner, anyway? Can’t the party scare up a candidate with an at least room-temperature IQ?

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20. Noe Fucking Juárez. Talk about your fiendishly brilliant plans: Mexican drug cartellier goes undercover as a Texas Cop of the Year! And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids and their hidden videocams.

21. Recep Tayyip Fucking Erdogan. When you find yourself citing Nazi Germany as a positive example — and not the bit about the nice convenient Autobahnen, but the part about Hitler’s own arrogation of unconstitutional, excess powers — stop. Just fucking STOP. You’re no longer a president, you’re a dictator. And your head belongs on a pikestaff.

22. Dalia Fucking Fenig. See above, and add book censorship and idiotic Israeli notions of “racial purity”. Newsflash: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS RACIAL PURITY. THERE IS ONLY ONE RACE, AND IT IS HUMAN. And if you’re discriminating against other members of it on grounds of color, nationality, language or religion, you too just might be a Nazi.

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23. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. And speaking of reasons to boycott Israel, how about him? Yes, kiddies, that’s right…the most overlooked scandal of last year is about to become the most criticized of THIS year. And about bloody time, too. Bribing US senators for their support of your apartheid state? That is a major crime, as well as a major wank. Cry CORRUPTION! and let slip the dogs of crapaganda…

24. Joseph Fucking Nestor Fucking Mondello. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how brutal and stupid you have to be to think that holding a computer techie at gunpoint actually accomplishes anything, other than making the poor guy think (and quite rightly) that you’ve lost your fucking marbles. Christ, dude — hold your shit together and just wait for them to get the right parts and finish the job. And put the damn gun away, already.

25. Bill Fucking Cosby. Because nothing says contrition and remorse like thanking your fans for essentially being your rape-culture apologists. I can’t wait for the real perpwalk, can you?

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And finally, to these stupid fucking white men. They keep spoiling for a confrontation with the gummint? They’re going to get one, and it won’t be pretty. Remember Waco? Yeah. Something like that. And it can’t happen soon enough. Let’s hope they all get dragged out alive, though, sometime in this coming year. Because being taken alive to the federal pen is far more ignominious than just going up in a puff of totally unnecessary smoke…and the air is already plenty polluted by other shit-stupid white guys, thankyouverymuch.

Good night, and get fucked!

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