Wankers of the Week: The Shit Awards

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Crappy weekend, everyone! In honor of this past week’s Brit Awards (and in lieu of any more exciting theme presenting itself for this week), today’s wankapedia will be known as the Shit Awards. And with no further ado, in no particular order, this week’s doo-doos are:

1. Patty Fucking Ritchie. Don’t let them eat cake…or steak! Has it ever occurred to any of these interfering “small government” cons that people on public assistance already can’t afford those pricey foods anyway? It’s pretty obvious that none of these bozos have done their own grocery shopping in a while, or they’d realize that!

2. Donnie Fucking Wahlberg. That’s right, throw your old gay bandmate under the bus and go stumping for a guy who’d probably force him back into the ol’ closet if he had his druthers. After all, you got yours (and she’s a fucking idiot!), so why should you care about anyone else’s welfare, much less their right to exist?

3. Kory Fucking Langhofer. Paging Miracle Max! If dead men can’t vote, then why should dead SCOTUS judges? And no, just because we know what Antonin Fucking Scalia would have voted, doesn’t mean he still gets a say. He’s dead, and that’s GOOD. Now it’s time to replace his ass with someone better.

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4. John Fucking Kasich. Women came out of the kitchen to support him…and if he gets his druthers, that’s where they’ll be headed right back to once he becomes preznit. Because Judeo-Christian values, and all those other things “moderates” believe in down in Jesusland.

5. Ezra Fucking Levant. Think he cares about freedom of speech? You’re wrong. All he cares about, all he ever cared about, was having his own platform to bully from. What others have to say, he will not defend, but smother to the death. Especially if, as in the case of Michael Coren (who has had quite the change of heart!), it goes against the Putz’s own bullying and bullshit. PS: And don’t ask this pied piper of poopy pants who pays him, either. He’ll only censor YOU. PPS: Yes, take your ball and go home, PUTZ.

6. Jason Fucking Lewis. Once, this blatantly racist would-be Limbaugh went Galt from radio. Now, let’s see if we can make him go Galt from running for public office, too.

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7. Susan Fucking DeLemus. Yeah. HER again. And this time, she thinks the Pope (!!!) is the Antichrist. But I thought it was supposed to be that black guy in the White House! How come there are two of them? Does she have double vision, or is she just high on the fumes of her own idiocy?

8. Marshall Fucking Hardin. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without one real, live wanker. And, bonus: this one’s a cop who did it in his cruiser!

9. Wendy Fucking Williams. Exqueeze me? Baking powder? The Kesha ruling was “fair”? Because a contract’s a contract? Look, lady: Just because someone signed a contract with Satan doesn’t mean shit. Bad contracts should be torn up. And yes, anything that puts a woman at risk of being sexually abused by her producer IS a bad contract, by definition. PS: And how fucked up is her idea that Kesha should have “rolled camera on” her abuse? Yeah, try setting up a camera while you’re drugged and incapacitated, honey. And try keeping the footage out of your abuser’s hands, too.

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10. Luke Fucking Gottwald. And on the other side of the fucked-up coin, there’s this guy, who ain’t no doctor. And who frankly shouldn’t be a music producer, either. But hey! Go ahead and dig that hole deeper, fella. With any luck, the sides will fall in on you and there will be nothing left to tear up.

11. Roger Fucking Stone. Finally, FINALLY, the Chicken Noodle Network dumped a racist, sexist piece of shit. Considering how many viewers they’ve alienated over the years, though, I don’t see what difference it could possibly make.

12. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Tell ya what, Andie: If you think Gitmo is a “tropical paradise”, I’d like to hear what tune YOU sing after being locked up there in the human equivalent of a kennel for 10-15 years. I’m pretty sure it won’t be “Guantanamera”.

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13. Steve Fucking Deace. Yes, please do “eunuch” yourself. The fewer idiots breeding, the better.

14. Joe Fucking Oliver. Why yes, I do blame you for the deficit. You and your boss, Harpo. Because you were at the controls when it started to happen, and you did nothing to stop it, you dishonest little shit.

15. Tony Fucking Blair. Well, shit. Who needs popularity or credibility when you have “electability”, whatever the fuck that is? I dunno, Toady…why don’t you take up that question with Tom Mulcair? Because when he tried to go for “electability”, both his popularity and his credibility went down the shitter, just like yours.

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16. Theodore Fucking Beale. Someone please inform this idiot that there are black people living in the suburbs now. And, shockingly, their IQs are no different from those of their white neighbors. Being as Beale’s, like those of all racists, is straining at room temperature, though, it might take some time for that news to sink in.

17. James Fucking Wiedmann. Someone please inform this idiot that it’s better that one’s daughter date whomever she pleases than that she gives the time of day to white supremacists with below-room-temperature IQs.

18. Eyal Fucking Qarim. Nice to know that even rape of Palestinians is kosher during wartime. And you wonder why we plan on boycotting Israel until they give up this racist apartheid shit and start holding themselves to the same moral standard that they hold the rest of the world?

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19. Victor Fucking Priebe. Yes, this one’s a rare posthumous wank…because this dead doctor specified in his will that he wanted to start a bursary for straight, white, male students. Clearly the most oppressed class on Earth, because they only hold like 99% of the power and wealth, and just won’t be fairly represented until they get it all. Oh, and just to be fair, he also wanted to start one for female students who are, and I quote: “…hard-working, single Caucasian white girl who is not feminist or lesbian.” Because there’s nothing like a non-lesbian lady who works hard in the Department of Redundancy Dept., amirite, girls? (And yes, that giant dripping sound you heard was me getting sarcasm all over everything.)

20. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Meanwhile, back in the land of the (unfortunately) living, Roosh V is astonished to discover that racist racialists are racist! Just wait till he hears what water feels like, what religion the Pope is, and what bears do in the woods.

21. Melania Fucking Trump. No one cares why YOU think your husband didn’t insult the Mexicans, dear. The Mexicans are the ones whose opinion on that matter actually counts for anything.

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22. Donald Fucking Trump. And just to remind you all of who the previous fucking idiot married, it’s THIS fucking idiot. Who, apparently, hasn’t classed up one bit since a dog’s age ago. PS: And look! Even without getting elected to office (and he never will be), he’s already offending foreign leaders! And having the chutzpah to demand apologies out of THEM! PPS: Ha, ha!

23. David Fucking Duke. Is there any better reason NOT to vote for #22 than this super creepy racist old white guy’s endorsement? Thought not.

24. Jeanne Fucking Ives. Who needs men to wage war on women when you have HER? And her weapon of choice is withholding birth certificates from single moms who refuse to name their children’s fathers? And on a somewhat related note: What fucking century is this, again?

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25. Stefanie Fucking Williams. No, idiot, inadequate pay is not a “lifestyle that you choose”. It’s what happens when crapitalism runs amuck, and bosses think they can get away with forcing workers to accept less. And — this is crucial — when the law, criminally, sides with the bosses. Which is exactly the case in the United States of Amnesia, and many other countries. And since when is food vs. rent a “lifestyle choice”, anyhow? PS: Ha, ha! And SMACKDOWN.

26. Stacy Fucking Engman. If you wanna talk bad lifestyle choices, though, wearing a tiara and biting other passengers on the plane would certainly qualify.

27. Sarah Fucking Palin. How hilarious that she wants to compare Der Donald to Gandhi. And no, nobody’s fighting them, and they’re not gonna win…because both of them are permanently stuck at “they laugh at you”, and once the election silly season is over, they’ll both drop right back down to “they ignore you”.

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28. Ted Fucking Cruz. He’s still not legally eligible to run, and now, he’s not morally eligible, either. If you promise to pardon a fraudster, doesn’t that make you an accessory to his crimes?

29. James Fucking Inhofe. Between his daft ideas on global climate change, pollution, and the Flint water crisis, I think it’s time this one was forcibly retired. In a straitjacket.

30. Kanye Fucking West. Bound for total irrelevance in 5…4…3…2…

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And finally, to the fucking bastards of Bautzen. And the fucking cowards of Clausnitz. Thanks to them, the whole world now thinks of Germany as fascist again. Good job destroying your country’s hard-fought-for reputation, you fucking Nazis. Oh, I’m sorry…PEGIDA “patriots”. Same shit, ’nother era. Between them and the refugee-camp rapes, it’s like it’s 1939 all over again. I’m thinking a dose of public humiliation might be just the thing to cut the crowing short, if anyone has the guts to turn these Arschlöcher in and actually do some justice.

Good night, and get fucked!

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