Wankers of the Week: Panama Poopers

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about them Panama Papers? The fun’s just begun, and already my head is swimming. Yours too? Well, give it a shake, because there will be miles to go — and reams of data to sort through — before all the confetti settles. Thankfully, though, they’re not the only game in town — and this week, for fun and frivolity, we have:

1. Scottie Nell Fucking Hughes. Yes, everyone, you MUST shed a tear for Der Drumpf’s head cheerleader. Her own daughter had to find out the hard way — by watching Saturday Night Live — that her mother was too dumb to raise her. Could be worse, sweetie — you could be black and get your daughter taken away from you by Children’s Aid — and go on probation for eighteen fucking years — just for leaving her unattended in the car while you went to interview for a REAL job!

2. Paul Fucking LePage. Look who took a leaf from Harpo’s book and decided that spitefully hiding in the closet was the better part of valor. Literally!

3. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Girls’ education? Why, that’s a sin! Everybody knows it’s the nature of wimmin to be ignorant and uneducated and know shit-all about science, like Gomer and the Good Lord intended!

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4. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. What’s this? Oh, nothing. Just Bat Guano taking hits off his meth pipe and babbling nonsense as usual. One of these days, I swear, his profile is gonna appear on Grindr or some other gay dating site. The smell of mothballs is strong about this one…

5. Sarah Fucking Palin. What’s this? Oh, nothing. Just Caribou Barbie, gettin’ drunk off her ass again and babbling nonsense while posing with dead animals.

6. Dylan Fucking Perara. Diddums. You thought that LIBERALS were the ones with the thin skins and the inability to live outside of safe zones? Trust me, they got nothing on the Drumpf ‘wingers. This one can’t even handle disagreement. Or accurate labelling of his politics. Which makes you wonder how he’d take it if anyone ever really chewed him out.

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7. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi…your waa-waa-waa is going woo-woo-woo again. Just because you’re not smart enough to recognize the actual signs of climate change (which is happening, and faster than you think), doesn’t mean it’s not, you know, ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

8. Peg Fucking Littleton. And in other news of ‘wingers not smart enough to science, we have this one…who thinks that only God can cause earthquakes, and fracking can’t. Someone please get her a bottle of frackwater so she can see more concrete proof that cutting environmental funding is a bad fucking idea.

9. Davis Fucking Aurini. Finally, the truth comes out…and one of the two perma-feuding makers of The Sarkeesian Effect admits that he never even watched any of the videos made by the woman he’s claiming to debunk! Which makes you wonder what he did with all that sweet, sweet Patreon cash his suckers sent him. Booze? Smokes? A little plastic skull for every room, to impress all the ladies he’s paying to come home with him? The possibilities are endless!

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10. Azealia Fucking Banks. No. No. No. Just NO! I agree with you that #5 is a shithead, but you do not wish rape on anyone. Especially not based on a fake news story.

11. Dale Fucking Lyons. Feminism is “the cancer of mankind”? No, CANCER is the cancer of mankind, same as it is in many other species besides. And in your case, your own masculist stupidity is the death of your crappy metal band. Instant karma. Ha, ha.

12. Miranda Fucking Lambert. Why?

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That’s why. Glamorizing “open carry” is about the ugliest fashion statement ever. (Not to mention those clashing colors! Ugh.)

13. John Fucking Abbott. It’s getting awfully hard to tell the jihadis apart from the anti-jihadis in Australia these days; both of them seem to hate women equally, and in the same ways.

14. Jim Fucking Bakker. The government isn’t in the business of “storming” studios and arresting Jesus hucksters for peddling lies and buckets of gross dehydrated food, Jimbo. You’re thinking of the police.

15. Ann Fucking Coulter. Zombie stringmop says what? Something about rape culture? Way to totally misunderstand the meaning of the phrase, Coultergeist. And way to perpetuate the actual thing.

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16. Charlie Fucking Daniels. The Devil went down to Georgia; he was looking for a brain to steal. Unfortunately, he’s still looking, because he didn’t find any under this old poop’s ten-gallon brainbucket.

17. Bryan Fucking Fischer. No, Martin Luther King would not be “ecstatic” about Mississippi’s hate-the-queers law, any more than he was about their hate-the-blacks laws. His close friend and colleague in civil rights, Bayard Rustin, was GAY. And MLK knew it, and had no problems with it.

18. Tony Fucking Perkins. PayPal, the “left’s friend”? Hardly. The company founder is one of those libertarian an-cap weirdbeards. They are not even OF the left, much less our friends. And no, trans women are NOT “grown men”, nor will girls be forced to share showers with men. Any man who wants to break into a women’s washroom is not going to bother dressing in drag first, anyway.

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19. Gene Fucking Baker. What century is this, again? Oh yeah, I forgot — who cares. In Mississippi, it’s always 100 years ago!

20. Vincent Fucking Pastore. Please go back to playing mafiosi, and STFU about presidential precandidates and their spouses. Kthxbai.

21. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Gawd, is there any time in this man’s life when he wasn’t slimy and gross? Back when he was married to Frau Drumpf #2, he was already ogling his one-year-old daughter’s legs and speculating on the size of her future boobs, FFS.

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22. Rick Fucking Scott. You heard what the lady said: He’s an asshole. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

23. Phil Fucking Bryant. Meanwhile, in Mississippi, we have another goober in the gubnor’s mansion. But then again, what does one expect of the State That Time Forgot?

24. Dick Fucking Black. And Virginia? That’s for haters…of literature, among other things. And in his case, of literacy.

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25. Aaron Fucking Carter. Washed-up douchebag says what? Please, dude, stop talking. And no, you’re NOT clean and sober. It ain’t what it ain’t.

26. Dennis Fucking Hastert. Oh, being exposed as a child molester was “humiliation enough”? Try walking in the victims’ shoes, they have been living with it for longer, and will continue to do so as long as they live.

27. Ted Fucking Cruz. How do you like your “New York Values” now? Ha, ha.

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28. Jospeh Fucking Farah. When you’re a paranoiac, everything looks like terrorism. Including people just trying to lead their normal everyday lives without worrying what some paranoiac thinks of them.

29. Peter Fucking King. Okay, I’m gonna bite my tongue about the cyanide thing, and just propose the only honorable thing you CAN do: No matter who gets the Repug nomination, would you please just STFU about it? Kthxbai.

30. David Fucking Cameron. Surprise, surprise…his old man was one of those offshore tax evaders. And guess what? I’m not buying those lame excuses. Maybe because I expect nothing better of a toff and a pigfucker. Stockbrokers are to Britain what the Mafia is to Sicily. The only real difference between the two is that the latter are at least open about their criminal careers.

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And finally, to the fucking government of Panama. Yes, all of it. Because a certain Señor Fonseca is still running around loose and flapping his gums on TV talk shows, instead of cooling his heels in the slammer. You wonder how anyone got away with such a vast amount of fraud for so long? Look in the mirror, and you’ll find the fraud’s enablers. Politicians who’d rather laissez-faire when the only fait accompli is looting and highway robbery (to say nothing of spooks and skulduggery), all deserve to be publicly humiliated…right before the mob comes in with the pitchforks and torches to tar and feather them and string them up by their heels, along with all their fine, upstanding cronies in the world of high finance.

Good night, and get fucked!

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