Wankers of the Week: Rob Ford Memorial Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Rob Fucking Ford? They say you’re not supposed to say anything but good of the dead, so here goes: He’s dead? GOOD! Ahem. He’ll be kinda-sorta missed around here, since he was such a reliable source of fodder for your humble scribe, but let’s face it, Bumbaclot McBumblefuck has an awful lot of competition in the wank department. And here it comes now to bury him, in no particular order:

1. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Because when even right-wing radio is turning against you, you KNOW you’re déclassé. Someone please remind Der Drumpf that this is not a beauty pageant for prospective first ladies, it’s a primary race for the, you know, ACTUAL FUCKING PRECANDIDATES. No one cares about your wives and mistresses, boys. For fuck’s sake come up with some better policies than “my wimmin are hotter than yours”, or go the fuck home. PS: Serial adulterer says WHAT? Donnie, if you wanna cut the abortion rate way down, keep your fucking zipper done up.

2. Davis Fucking Aurini. Huzzah, The Sarkeesian Effect (his version) is finally out! And now we know why Skullboy McBoozensmokes never graduated from film school. It’s because he put all his effort into overwrought fascist bombast, and had nothing left over for basic filmic competence. I would feel sorry for all the idiots who contributed to his and Jordan Fucking Owen’s Patreon, but let’s face it, none of them knows what goes into a real documentary, either. Nor do they even care. They paid for a hatchet job, and that’s what they got. Even if it is less watchable than peeling lead paint.

3. Yitzhak Fucking Yosef. Not that the Israeli government really needed a rabbi’s kosher sanction for a Palestinian genocide, but hey, he’s just given them one. Mazel tov!

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4. Doug Fucking Ford. Even at his own brother’s wake, Dougie just couldn’t stop tooting his own damn horn. Remember that when he tries to run for office again — whatever office THAT may be.

5. Pat Fucking McCrory. Gubnor, your “clarifications” are clear as mud. Which, if I’m not mistaken, makes them not clarifications, but obfuscations. No, no, DON’T try to “clarify” again. That giant stampeding noise you’re hearing is people and businesses abandoning your state and all its institutionalized bigotry.

6. Debbie Fucking Riddle. I’ve never seen a woman acting overtly sexy while breast-feeding, but apparently this proponent of public “modesty” has. Which makes me wonder where she’s looking, what she’s looking at, and WHY.

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7. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Isn’t it quaint how Bowtie Boy clings to the idiotic notion that one can be “racist against white people”? It’s almost as quaint as how he clings to that idiotic fratboy haircut he’s still wearing thirty-odd years after the fact.

8. Safya Fucking Roe Fucking Yassin. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupidly attention-starved you have to be to make 97 Twitter accounts, PLUS push antivaxxer/chemtrail hoaxes, PLUS threaten FBI agents as a supposed supporter of Daesh.

9. Gary Fucking Herbert. Anesthesia would be a good idea for late-term abortions, yes…but only if it’s local, and not due to any of your backward notions about fetal pain. How about a bit more consideration for the woman, who wouldn’t be having such a procedure if there wasn’t a very good chance that the fetus was going to die, if not dead already?

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10. Marie Fucking Henein. No, of COURSE you didn’t betray women, lady. Hey, money’s money, right? And whacking the complainant is illegal. You broke the rape shield law…for Jian Ghomeshi’s sweet, sweet money. Even leaving the victims’ gender (and yours) completely out of it, that’s fucking disgusting.

11. Debra Fucking Reed. Oh sure, you took a tiny pay cut over that methane leak (which is still leaking!) near Porter Ranch. But then you got a bonus? How the fuck does that even WORK?

12. Niall Fucking Ferguson. Nice try at making the left look deranged, dude. But there’s still the problem of all the things Henry Fucking Kissinger did to make us despise him so!

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13. Brandon Fucking Curtiss. “When tyranny becomes law, rebellion becomes mandatory”, eh? I bet that goes double for when you owe disgusted clients their money back — and your ex a shitload of child support!

14. Joy Fucking Montiel. This woman, in a nutshell, is why Der Drumpf loves the uneducated: They make fools of themselves so he doesn’t have to. Just like a paper billionaire to outsource all the real work, eh?

15. Kristen Fucking Johnson. Sending dick pics isn’t for men only anymore. And as luck would have it, it’s not for this (now former) nurse, either.

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16. Jim Fucking Tomes. “Pay to Pee” for transfolks? How about “Leave ‘em Be”, instead?

17. Jeff Fucking Melanson. Wow. For those of you who thought that the phrase “Canadian classical music scene” must be synonymous with “snoozeworthy” — here’s living proof that you were wrong. Personally, though, I’d much rather it WERE a snoozer. This guy is terrible.

18. Don Fucking Young. In case the propeller beanie didn’t give it away, we have a conspiracy wingnut spinning madly here. And one who doesn’t seem to realize that even the wicked old Soviet Union didn’t exercise as much control over people’s lives and minds as he thinks Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders might, because it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to do so.

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19. Chris Fucking Christie. He runs New Jersey…and yet he controls nothing. Including his own snacking habits.

20. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Yes, still babbling. Yes, still inane. No, not fired yet. Why? Because the only thing bigger than her idiocy is her boss’s, and his is YUGE.

21. Nathan Fucking Crisp. Like Drumpf, like executive: Thuggy, thuggy, THUGGY.

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22. Wendy Fucking Bell. Racial profiling is criminal when the police do it. And when the media do it? That’s not just a wank, that’s a FIRING wank.

23. John Fucking Kasich. Meanwhile, over in the Repugnican clown car, racial profiling — and racist, sexist blaming of black women — is just bidness as usual. Anyone still wondering why the party’s tanking? There’s yer answer. PS: Aaaand BOOM. Ha, ha.

24. Paul Fucking Elam. What? He’s QUITTING THE MEN’S RIGHTS MOVEMENT??? Given that it came a day before April Fool’s, I’m guessing this was not a joke…it was a real flounce. And, given that he’s a fool every day of the year, it’s also a real wank.

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25. Ted Fucking Nugent. Yup, he’s racist. And in case there was ever any doubt, now there’s proof. Complete with the N-word and a racist cannibal caricature. And, coward that he is, he pretends it’s a real moving company in Detroit, when anyone can see that it’s a racist forgery. (Real movers don’t drive minivans, idiot.)

26. Israel Fucking Katz. Behold, the apartheid government of Israel, which styles itself the Middle East’s only democracy, and the most moral country in the world. And how do they pay lip service to democracy and morality? By calling for the assassination of anyone who doesn’t fall in line, and who dares call for boycotts, divestment, and sanctions against apartheid!

27. Scottie Nell Fucking Hughes. No, the “liberal” media don’t use abortion to trap Repugs. They do that all by themselves, every time they stick their big ol’ feet in their big ol’ mouths.

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28. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. And speaking of feet in mouths, how about him? Calling for the murder of women who’ve had abortion? Ain’t no liberal media types making him say that. Nope, it’s just him shooting off his batshit mouth all on his oddy knocky.

29. Maxime Fucking Bernier. Meanwhile in Canada, the local bat guano is also shooting off its mouth…and wishing for “freedom” like they have in China. Yes, I’m sure all the Foxconn suicides see it that way, too.

30. Gene Fucking Simmons. Der Drumpf, “good for politics”? That’s like saying that Gene Fucking Simmons was good for music. Sorry not sorry, dude, you walked right into THAT one.

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And finally, to all the butthurt feckin’ redneck eejits of Frod Nation. Who will no doubt express their puny indignation in the comments section, if they dare to do it anywhere. Too bad, so sad. Your “nation” is kaputt, and it’s not gonna rise again. Go smoke some crack, maybe you’ll be reunited with your cat-munching idol. My cats and I will just be sitting here, breathing kitty-sighs of relief and sipping tea, respectively. And my tea is only gonna taste sweeter with your tears in it.

Good night, and get fucked!

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