Wankers of the Week: Pride under fire

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And how about that latest fucking massacre. I don’t know what to say, beyond Hey! At least now we know for certain that LGBT people in the bathroom will never be even a fractal fraction of the menace to society that a ‘phobe with a gun is. About the gunman, I have nothing to say except that he’s dead, and no one will miss the motherfucker. As for these people, well…here’s what I have to say about THEM:

1. Tucker Fucking Carlson. The bodies from the Orlando nightclub shooting weren’t even at room temperature, much less removed from the building, before Fucker just had to open his big stinkin’ bazoo and blame it all on Obama and Islam. Never mind that the shooter’s own father and ex-wife both said it had nothing to do with religion. Times like these really make me want to bind and gag Fucker with his own bowties.

2. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Same link, same shit, different asshole. At long last, shut the fuck up, Newty. You are politically irrelevant, and you literally have nothing to contribute to the discourse. Go home and boink your third wife…or her future replacement. Nobody fucking cares about you anymore.

3. Chuck Fucking Todd. While #s 1 and 2 are busy blaming Obama for “depoliticizing” the massacre with “political correctness” (huh? how does one “depoliticize” AND be “politically correct” at the same time???), Chucky the Troll Doll decided to take the opposite tack, slamming Bernie Sanders for daring to suggest that now was a good time to finally talk earnestly about gun control. Oh sorry…I meant to say “politicize the issue”.

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4. Rick Fucking Scott. Oh, that’s nice. “Pray for the victims”, but never acknowledge that they were shot just for being LGBT. One wonders just what kind of phony, hypocritical praying the Gubnor really has in mind. PS: Even nicer, how about fixating on Daesh, even though there is NO FUCKING LINK between Omar Mateen and them, and even the CIA has admitted as much? But then again, Rick is the ultimate Florida Man. He loves guns more than he does the truth.

5. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Way to make a mass shooting all about you, asshole. And way to make it all about something else it’s not: namely, so-called “radical Islam”. Refer back to #1 if you don’t believe me. PS: And no, nobody is going to vote for you because of this, except those teabagging Nazis who were already going to. You can quit rubbing that boner now. PPS: And quit trying to make out like you’re the biggest friend the queers ever had. None of them are fooled, except maybe for #8.

6. Dan Fucking Patrick. God can’t be mocked? That’s funny, there are at least two Twitter accounts dedicated to just that. And yours, unlike theirs, isn’t funny, topical, inspiring, or relevant. Maybe you should save your sermonizing for church, instead of inserting it where it doesn’t belong — scheduled or not.

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7. Carlos Fucking Curbelo. Take off the fucking tinfoil, dude. This is YOUR circus, and Der Drumpf is YOUR monkey.

8. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. “No more Islam”? Fuck that. How about no more of YOU, you fucking wankstain? I mean, seriously, you’re a classic example what one of my gay friends calls an Unhappy Cocksucker. Who the hell are YOU to suddenly project your pathetic, drunken self-hatred outward? Fuck that noise, and fuck YOU.

9. Pamela Fucking Geller. And speaking of noises in dire need of a fuck, how about her? Facebook FINALLY got around to removing her hate-page on a TOS violation, and what does she do? Kvetch, kvetch, kvetch. And blame it on Sharia, which is a downright funny bit of projection on her part, since she’s the one advocating genocide on religious grounds. Cry louder, troll.

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10. Bob Fucking Zimmer. Make the AR-15, the murder weapon from the nightclub shooting, easier to get in Canada? Oh HELL no. FUCK RIGHT OFF, you motherfucking piece of shit. It’s not a fucking hunting rifle, unless you’re hunting humans. What are you, a cannibal? A ghoul? Or just a garden-variety idiot in the pocket of the firearms industry?

11. Steven Fucking Anderson. At this point, I’m counting down the days before he’s either caught with his profile on a gay dating app, or with kiddie porn (mostly boys) on his home computer. Because that much obsession with gays and pedophiles can only mean one thing: He is trying desperately to cover his own ass. And considering what we now know about Omar Mateen, is it really so unreasonable to speculate that he’s got some innnnnteresting skeletons in his own closet?

12. Andy Fucking Holt. Wow. Do you want to go join #10 in the corner, there, dumbass? Very well. Take your seat on that hard stool, face the wall, and put on the pointy hat.

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13. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Nice try at deflection, Tinfoil Turban, but terrorists are NOT using F-150 trucks to murder people. The reason why is obvious: Trucks and cars are WAY more regulated in the US than guns are!

14. Jim Fucking Hoft. Dear Dumbest Man on the Internet: Congrats on finally coming out. Took you long enough! Unfortunately, you’re still a fucking dumbass fascist whose voting (and blogging) habits are all about throwing your own people under the bus. Don’t look for sympathy, don’t babble about the evils of socialism, and don’t you DARE go shilling for the Party of Bigotry. Any LGBT Republican, at this stage in the game, is an LGBT person with a death wish.

15. Yosef Fucking Edery. Hooray! It’s not just fundie Christians cheerleading the murder of innocent people. Looks like some ultra-orthodox Jews also want to get in on the hate-fest. And this one literally takes the bagel. Oy, oy, OY to the VEY.

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16. Brett Fucking Edgerton. Meanwhile, in Atlanta — a city that, decades ago, rose on the slogan “Too Busy to Hate” — some self-loathing queer dude has finally found the time to hate…on his own. And to threaten two local gay nightspots with Orlando-style terror. Congrats, you neoconfederate asshole.

17. Roger Fucking Jimenez. And in Sacramento, we find this most un-Californian preacher, railing like he’s in some backwater swamp in, I dunno, Alabama or someplace. And just like the toothless yokels of the bogs, he can’t tell the difference between an LGBT adult who loves other adults, and a kiddie-diddler. How long, I wonder, before his profile is found on Grindr, or his home computer is confiscated by the FBI for kiddie porn? PS: AND he doubles down. Now I really wonder what the skeleton in his closet is! PPS: Ha, ha.

18. John Fucking Bolton. Oh, heaven forfend that His Barackness snark ever so gently on political opponents who expect him to bash the same bogeymen that they all bash! The Sheepdog, as you may recall, was appointed nasty, snarky, homicidally deranged US ambassador to the UN by Dubya…who was himself about as nasty and snarky as they came, at least until Der Drumpf eclipsed him in that department. And yet, somehow, neither of THEM is unpresidential? Go figure.

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19. Dick Fucking DeVos. All these years he’s pumped money into anti-LGBT groups, and now, after all these years of setting the stage for their demise, he’s giving to the Pulse victims? Talk about hypocrisy…AND adding insult to injury.

20. Chris Fucking Barron. You really do have to be a special kind of stupid to be gay and pro-Drumpf. And whaddya know, he’s that very special snowflake. But, dude: Why throw gay people under the bus when you can just throw yourself?

21. Marco Fucking Rubio. First he was leaving the senate and now he’s maybe not? And all because of the Pulse shooting, which is not his concern anyway? Let me make up your mind for you, Estupido: You should go, and never darken that door again. And take Ileana Fucking Ros-Lehtinen with you, while you’re at it.

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22. Conrad Fucking Black. Well, well, well, what have we here? Tax liens on Lord Blah-Blah’s estates, due to unpaid bills with the CRA? Why, at this rate he’ll have nothing left to sue newspapers with for accurately reporting his many fuck-ups!

23. Pam Fucking Bondi. Oh boo fucking hoo, Anderson Cooper nailed your shit to the wall for all to see! Cry more, you institutional homophobe.

24. Ted Fucking Cruz. And speaking of shit on the wall, look who besplattered himself all over it. You can join #21 when he leaves…assuming the voters don’t drag you out by your sorry ass first.

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25. Andrew Fucking Anglin. So, the dumbest neo-Nazi on the Internet (and Lord knows he’s got plenty of competition there) thinks that Orlando “secured the election for Trump”? Hardly. If anything, it’s been backfiring on him ever since he tried to use it as yet another feather to stroke his shrimp dick with. And his numbers are in the shitter even now, and circling the drain. Surely a malign coincidence that people have been hitting back at him for his bigotry ever since Orlando, eh?

26. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Meanwhile, speaking of what’s in the shitter and circling the drain, how about Bibi? He thinks Palestinians are all rapey, while ignoring the markedly worse tendencies of the IDF. Even worse, he’s quick to throw all rape victims under the bus. Talk about chutzpah.

27. Jessa Fucking Duggar. On behalf of the whole world, please sink back into the obscurity from whence you came, and don’t you DARE use Orlando to promote yourself or your shitty show. And especially not the extremist religious cult you’re in. Fuck off, and take your whole quiver (full or not!) with you.

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28. Nigel Fucking Farage. While Jo Cox’s body lies in the morgue before being readied for burial, we have THIS wanker, who no doubt disclaims all responsibility for what Tommy Mair did to Jo Cox. When, in fact, his crapaganda and that of others just like him (read: white supremacists, nativists and neo-Nazis) made Mair think it was his duty to do away with the infidels…or at least, the uppity female MP who championed their rights. And no, I don’t think the resemblance to Nazi crapaganda is any “accident”, nor is it a coincidence. The parallel is deliberate. Wake up, not-so-great Britain.

29. Joseph Fucking Backholm. A campaign to convince people that transfolk are evil molesters out to diddle their daughters? And you’re going to gather signatures for it by making men follow women into bathrooms? Yeah, no, that’s not creepy at all. And it won’t backfire one bit!

30. Rick Fucking Allen. Quoting an ancient book of lies and mythology to back up your homophobia is a wank. Having “no regrets” about doing something so goddamned stupid and unforgivably hateful is an even bigger wank. And it makes you an enabler of mass murder, shithead.

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And finally, to Britain Fucking First. Yeah, how’s it feel to have one man tarnishing your whole image? Only there’s a problem with that contention: You have all always been fascists. You were all tarnished long before someone took it on himself to murder an MP that you no doubt branded a “traitor”. At long last, have you no fucking shame?

Good night, and get fucked!

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