Wankers of the Week: The Donald Drumpf Gong Show

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about THAT shitshow. No, really. Norwalk virus even broke out at the RNC convention in Cleveland, right on the eve of Der Drumpf’s official coronation as Repugnican candidate for the presiduncy. The symptoms are vomiting and diarrhea. Couldn’t be more appropriate, could it? And here’s who was vomitous and shitty this week, in no particular order:

1. Hollis Fucking Alexander. You’re a judge, not a minister. You’re not supposed to inject God into a CIVIL wedding ceremony, jackass. And if you want to do that…go be a preacher and leave the administration of justice to someone who’s actually QUALIFIED to occupy the bench.

2. Michael Fucking Flynn. Never mind that the Ayatollah Khomeini has been dead for nearly 20 years now. He’s still supposed to denounce the Nice attack from the grave, even though it wasn’t even a jihadist but a garden-variety domestic abuser gone bonkers. And just think, people, this is a former US general talking. One can only imagine why he was retired in the first place. But one doesn’t have to think terribly long and hard to see why Der Drumpf tapped him, eh?

3. Theresa Fucking May. She’s not elected, she has no popular mandate, and yet somehow she’s prime minister of Britain. And worse: Look what she’s done just one day in. She closed the office for climate change! This, you must agree, makes her an even bigger pigfucker than the one she just replaced. Or, to put it another way: Wrexit…now with even MORE wreckage!

4. Sonia Fucking Kruger. Why?

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That’s why. And ‘nuff said.

5. Joseph Fucking Pryor. Yeah, surprise, dude: Actions have consequences! And in your case, the consequence is that your “patriotic” ass is now shut out of the US Marines for assaulting a black woman at a Drumpf rally. Don’t you feel stupid now? You should, because you ARE!

6. Andrea Fucking Williams. Oh sure, she looks very sweet and nice in her frilly pink tops, but don’t be fooled. Under that pink puffery is someone who’d gladly slap a pink triangle on everyone who’s not cis, het, and a complete fucking asshole about it. Out of what? Christian Concern, of course! Because all that hatred and exclusion is somehow more platable when it’s dressed up as caring and Concern!

7. Joseph Fucking Epstein. Dude, if you’re so worried about being forever remembered as a raving homophobe, there is one very simple thing you can do to prevent that: STOP FUCKING BEING ONE.

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8. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Yeah, that’s right, there’s a Junior. And he’s just as assy as his old man, too. And just as full of idle threats.

9. Joshua Fucking Feuerstein. Holy effin’ crap, what is up with this gun-toting wild-eyed sorry excuse for a preacher? Pretty sure Jesus would not approve of that, much less his RACIST death threats. Pretty sure, in fact, that Jesus would take a cat-o’-nine-tails to his ass, like he did with the moneychangers in the Temple.

10. Steve Fucking King. Your “western civilization” is a myth, buckaroo. And your racism is based on bullshit, too. Take a hard seat. Oh hell, take TWO!

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11. David Fucking Clarke. Black Lives Matter is a “hateful ideology”? Mike Brown was “a co-conspirator in his own demise”?? And this from a BLACK MAN??? Just you wait till you’re out of uniform, chief…then we’ll see how much those white people you’re sucking up to still care about you. Remember that to them, you’re just another useful idiot.

12. Alex Fucking Jones. Conspiracy wacko gets trolled by a comedian. The punchlines just write themselves! PS: Aaaand SCENE. Yup, that cerebral hemorrhage…any day now.

13. Melania Fucking Drumpf. And speaking of punchlines that just write themselves, how funny is it that she got caught plagiarizing a black first lady on behalf of her husband’s own arch-racist bid for the White House? I can hardly wait to hear how her salivating brownshirt admirers spin this. Probably as more evidence that she’s “bringing class back” to that hopelessly tarnished plantation house, or something. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: And RickRolled! Ha, ha, ha.

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14. Paul Fucking Manafort. He blames Hillary Clinton for Melania’s plagiarized speech? Uh, shouldn’t he be blaming Michelle Obama? I mean, that IS who she cribbed it from… PS: Ha, ha! PPS: Ah, sexism. Always a good look, at least for Repugs and their trophy wives. The rest of the world? Not so much.

15. Scott Fucking Baio. Does your non-lesbian shitass wife approve your ugly tweets, Chachi? No? Then how about your pastor? Kiss your mother with that mouth? Gawd. PS: And thanks a pantload for killing Garry Marshall, too.

16. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulous. Finally, FINALLY, Yeah-Nope got a permanent suspension from the tweeter. Why? Well, to quote his own words: “If at first you don’t succeed (because your work is terrible), play the victim.” And lord knows he did that a lot when they took away his widdle blue checkmark. And now that he has one platform less on which to play the Nazi, I’m expecting a whole storm of salty, “alt-right” man-tears. PS: Remember this? Milo doesn’t. Savor the irony, folks, he hath well and truly become what he once railed against.

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17. Larry Fucking Miller. “Colorful”? Well, that’s one way of describing him. Personally, though, I prefer BAT GUANO.

18. Recep Fucking Tayyip Fucking Erdogan. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how outragous it is that he just moved into a palace four times the size of Versailles. This at a time when the average Turk is scrounging, and the Syrian refugees just keep coming. One would ask with what he financed that pile of rubble, but it’s probably better to just wait for the next round of Panama Papers-type leaks to roll around. All will be revealed…

19. Owen Fucking Shroyer. Dude, when you don’t know what the fuck you’re on about, the proper thing to do is STOP BABBLING, ALREADY. But what am I saying? You’re a conservative. You couldn’t stop babbling inanities if your life depended on it, could you?

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20. Laura Fucking Ingraham. Sieg Heil! Always so nice to see yet another fascist finally coming out of the closet, emboldened by the literal shitshow that is Donald Fucking Drumpf.

21. Matthew Fucking Heimbach. Sieg Heil! Always so nice to see yet another fascist finally getting criminally charged for harassing non-white people. If only he were also in deep shit for the neo-Nazi rally in Sacramento, where as many as nine anti-fascists were stabbed by the coward’s crew. He himself was, of course, MIA…the better for plausible deniability, no doubt.

22. Roger Fucking Ailes. So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodnight! Too bad you’re such a sexist heap of shite!

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23. Phil Fucking Robertson. If Der Drumpf loses, he’ll go into hiding? Promises, promises. But on the off chance that he intends to make good, I suggest the caves of Tora Bora. With his regressive religiosity, his big ol’ beard, and his turban-like bandana, he’ll fit right in!

24. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. For showing up at #16’s shitty pity-party, natch. And for not yet having twigged to the fact that both he and Milo represent a lot of what mainstream WASP Repugs hate (non-white non-Christians and Teh Ghey, respectively), and for thinking they really run the show. Ha, ha! (I nearly wrote “Cucking”, sorry. Force of habit. He and his idiot cronies use that silly word a lot, and it makes them sound like chickens.)

25. Duane Fucking Flowers. Trust me, I have no love for Hillary Clinton since the Honduras coup went down and she was found cackling gleefully behind it (and the assassination of Berta Cáceres, ditto). But even I would not call for her to hang. Much less to defile a tree with it. This asshole, on the other hand…

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26. David Fucking Duke. Of course he loved Der Drumpf’s screech, because OF COURSE. And Drumpfy still hasn’t disavowed this flaming fascist sack of doggie doughnuts, either! And worst of all: He’s now running for US senator. You can’t make this shit up…

27. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. No, dear, your dad will NOT promote equal pay. He won’t promote pay, period. He’s the one who keeps stiffing his contractors for doing their job, remember? PS: And how talented you are, too. At STEALING.

28. Bruce Fucking Rauner. Teachers, “virtually illiterate”? Quit projecting, Brucey.

29 and 30. These two fucking no-‘tinos right here:

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If they’re Latin, I’m the Queen of Sheba. Also, it’s not para, it’s por. Learn some Spanish, Whitey! Then you’ll know what REAL Latin@s are saying when they say “¡No voté por El Drumpf, voté por el Bernito, carajoooooo!”

And finally, to Donald Fucking Drumpf himself. Good Gawd, where even to start with him? From his grating speech (which I didn’t bother to watch, but heard all about through friends), to the unauthorized use of George Harrison’s music, to this weird touchy-touchy thing he did with his own daughter, ON STAGE, to this gross bit of Drumpf swag — if this is the next POTUS, I’m going to brace for an onslaught of sickened gringos invading my country. No, we won’t build a wall…but we won’t be polite to him until he’s out of the fucking picture for good.

Good night, and get fucked!

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