Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, I wasn’t really planning on doing a wankapedia this week, what with surgery on Wednesday and all (if you’re reading this right now, it means I got through it fine, thanks). But here I am, because the wankers don’t quit wanking, and as long as they’re at it…I’m on it. And this week it was, in no particular order:
1. Nigel Fucking Farage. He may have stood down as UKIP party Dear Leader, but not before the damage was done. Can you believe this guy? He’s not even following the Pottery Barn Rule. He broke it, but he didn’t buy it, because why own your everlasting shame? But that shame’s still gonna follow him around wherever he goes, so sorry, not sorry, Nigel. You’re a motherfucker till the end of time, and you know it. PS: Ha, ha.
2. Kim Fucking Davis. Hey! Remember her? She’s hoping you don’t. But the Internets never forget. Ha, ha.
3. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Why?
That’s why. Fat-shaming at a gym? Sure, that’ll really make those pounds melt off that unnamed person in the background. Maybe someone should shame Yeah-Nope for that ugly, strawy hair of his. With any luck, it might even fall out by itself!
4. Robin Fucking Camp. It’s gonna take a lot more than just counselling to get rid of Hizzoner’s ugly sexism problem. And in the meantime, there’s no shortage of qualified candidates for the bench he’s vacated. Shove off, judge!
5. Jennifer Fucking Mayers, again. No, of course she’s not racist. You’re the racist one for pointing it out, you evil meanies! She really LOVES black people. Never mind all that talk about how the “races” shouldn’t mix. And by all means, ignore her endorsement of murder. See how easy it is to be a True Bible-Believin’ Christian™? PS: UGH.
6. Anthony Fucking Rebello. He’s the one and only, very lonely, attendee of a “Heterosexual Pride” rally in Seattle. And of course, he felt compelled to apologize IF he offended anyone. Idiocy and conditional nopology: two shitty tastes that taste even shittier together!
7. Robert-Falcon Fucking Ouellette. He spent the better part of an hour arguing FOR a guaranteed basic income, and then ended up voting against it. Flipflops: worst footwear of the summer, and in Parliament, too!
8. Bill Fucking Cosby. No, you don’t get your hush money back. Your “agreement” is null and void, since it was struck in order to conceal a crime. Don’t like it? Too bad. You don’t get to buy your way out of prosecution!
9. Kevin Fucking O’Leary. There once was a turd in Nantucket…and it was him, celebrating the Fourth of July and completely forgetting Canada Day. Tell me again why you want to be the next SupposiTory prime minister of Canada, Kevvy.
10. Don Fucking Christy. Just what every Fourth of July parade needs…a racist in a straw wig, masquerading as a “patriot”, driving a tasteless racist golf-kart with bullshit all over the back of it in the name of racism — oh sorry, “political incorrectness” and “freedom”. ‘Murica!
11. Louise Fucking Linton. Wow. I never knew there were Hutus and Tutsis in the Congo, much less in Zambia. I thought they were in Rwanda. Silly me! I’ve never had the privilege of a “gap year” anywhere, much less in Africa, so I guess all that geography I learned at school and all those news reports from over 20 years ago must have been a complete lie, eh? Gosh, imagine what actual Zambians must think to have learned all that about themselves! PS: Ha, ha.
12. Ted Fucking Busiek. If you thought all the dumbest Drumpf supporters came from the Deep South, you’re wrong. This one’s a Masshole. But hey! Now that we know where he stands, we don’t have to work very hard to explain how he torpedoed his own chances of ever being elected.
14. Pauline Fucking Hanson. Welcome to One Nation’s Australia! Come for the racism, stay for the antivaxxer fuckassery! Plenty of hardcore stoooopid to go ‘round, Down Under!
15. Jason Fucking Kenney. Meanwhile, here in the Great not-so-white North, Closet Boy has poked his head out the door of his armoire just long enough to squawk something about COMMUNISM! And BOHEMIANS! Jason, please come out of there. And get out more, wouldja? Your fashion sense sucks, so you have no right to criticize what anyone else wears. PS: Ha, ha!
16. Esther Fucking Levy. Oh, you got kicked out of a Mexican restaurant for being a Drumpfite boor in an ugly hat and a flag-desecrating shirt? Gee, that must be rough.
17. Charles Fucking Chaput. Oh, remarried couples can now rejoin in Catholic communion, but only if they live “as brother and sister”? That’s awfully generous of you. But somehow, I don’t think that’s what His Holiness meant when he said “be more accepting”, Your Archbishopness.
18. Andy Fucking Smarick. Why?
That’s why. No, dude, the singular they is not an affront to grammar. Shakespeare and Jane Austen both used it. You know what IS an affront? Your pompous ignorance, that’s what!
19. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. No, dear, your dad is NOT a feminist. He is everything feminists are working hard to dismantle in this world. And, FFS — he has even humiliated YOU sexually, in front of a live TV audience. Doesn’t that count for anything?
20. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Meanwhile, another of Der Drumpf’s idiot spawn is proposing his sister, Wanker #19, as Daddy-O’s prospective running mate. On what grounds? Looks alone. The gross jokes just write themselves, don’t they?
22. Virginia Fucking Ludy. So, “equal treatment” of disabled people means making them pay an unaffordable full price for CNE admission? Honey, if you’re such a great believer in THAT brand of equality, then try living on a salary equal to what the average disabled person’s income adds up to, and see how far it gets YOU.
23. Kimberly Fucking Brinton. Dumbass, that NO SMOKING sign on the gas pumps is there for a reason. And the reason is so that idiots like you don’t set yourselves and everyone else around them on fire, not so that you get mad and start dousing someone who points it out to you with gas and then trying to set them on fire!
24. Johnny Fucking Oleksinski. No, dude, your generation doesn’t suck. You do, but it has nothing to do with the timespan in which you were born. It might, however, have to do with the fact that you write for a right-wing rag, and have also gone on a right-wing TV channel to rag all over your generation, which is facing crippling debt levels AND the lowest take-home pay since the slave era. Last thing they need is you sucking up to the “Me Generation”, who are not your friends. And if you doubt me, ask any other Gen Xer.
25. Alisyn Fucking Camerota. Victim-blame much, white lady from the Chicken Noodle Network? Would you be asking about the criminal records of a white guy shot dead for no reason by cops? No, of course you wouldn’t…and that probably because precious few white guys get shot dead for no reason by cops. Or even get shot dead with good reason by cops.
26. Matt Fucking Forney. A black man is killed by cops for no reason. His girlfriend catches it all on camera. Matty’s theory? This graphic and very real murder was “staged” by Black Lives Matter “as part of their mission to slander whites”. As though racist white cops needed any help in looking terrible. Or, indeed, any racist white person…like, oh, say, Matty himself, who is one ugly mofo.
27. Pat Fucking Buchanan. “White America has begun to die”? Well, speaking as a white Canadian who is sick of living next to that shit, all I can say is GOOD. And why oh why the hell is this fucking fossil not dead yet?
28. Joe Fucking Walsh. Holy crap bubbles, looks like the racist is out of the bag. “Real America”? That, too, is a concept that can go die in a fire, for all I care. His idea of reality is one that I don’t want to live next to. If open threats to a black president are the new normal, FUCK THAT NOISE. Watch out yourself, racist congresscritter — the voters are coming for your ass.
29. Michael Fucking Elsbury. Black lives don’t matter, but “blue” ones do? When they start talking about “pulling a Ferguson”, i.e. killing innocent people just for being black and wearing saggy pants, “blue lives” don’t matter to me anymore, either.
30. Michael Fucking Strickland. Oh look, another ground-stander standing his ground against people who weren’t actually threatening him. Unless by “threatening”, you mean to say “trying to talk a deranged Drumpfite gun nut and chronic Internet harassotron down”.
And finally, to all the right-wing shitbirds trying to take advantage of the Dallas sniper shootings to try to smear Black Lives Matter, or any other antiracist group. Special dishonorable mention to all the ones who use “cuck” unironically on Twitter, and make reference to The Turner Diaries. Instead of a “day of the rope”, how about a nice little Night of the Long Knives, strictly amongst yourselves? That would clean up the gene pool considerably.
Good night, and get fucked!