Wankers of the Week: Giant Meteor, part d’oh


Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy Remembrance Day, the perfect capper for a crappy week when it seems like everyone forgot everything, right down to which fucking way was UP. If you’re wondering where I am in the midst of all this, I’m with Kali Ma. We are still stuck deep in the tapioca of the Kali Yuga, after all. And what more overwhelming evidence of the need for a global reset than all of these numbskulls, in no particular order…

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. “Polls are for strippers”? Uh, Sarah…wrong homonym. Go home, Caribou Barbie, you’re drunk.

2. Scottie Fucking Nell Fucking Hughes. Yup, that’s a double Fucking. Accompanied, of course, by a double “Go home, idiot, you’re drunk. And stop fucking slurring!”

3. Ghada Fucking Sadaka. She’s finally apologized, but is anyone buying it? Because I’m not. Nowhere does she admit that what she said on her Facebook page was xenophobic, racist and discriminatory; she merely apologized for not being careful about what she shared. Meaning, she hasn’t learned a goddamn thing; she’s still just as much of an asshole underneath all her fine words, but now she’s going to be more careful about hiding the fact. And just think, she’s a school principal!


4. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. No, running for president is NOT a “charitable act”! If Der Drumpf gave a rat’s ass about charity (and clearly he doesn’t), he’d be signing cheques to worthy causes, right and left. And if he cared about the well-being of his country, he’d never run for public office ANYWHERE, not even dogcatcher.

5. Ted Fucking Nugent. I have no doubt that his droopy old balls are indeed very blue. But a state they ain’t.

6. Tom Fucking Crean. Vote for Voldemort, he’s so kind and misunderstood! Uh, how about NO? And also, how about you stop with the hair bleach? It’s eating your brain, kiddo.


7. Jeff Fucking Crawford. Fuck off with this “women, your body doesn’t belong to you” shit. As long as I live in it, mine does belong to me…and neither you nor your imaginary friend have anything to say about it. Especially since you don’t say boo about whether the same applies to men who can’t seem to keep their fucking hands off.

8. Kurt Fucking Jenkins. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without Florida Man, here’s one who’s truly a live wire. And has ‘em coming out of his dick, too. And he’s weirdly proud of the fact.

9. Sam Fucking Oosterhoff. You can (technically) become a PC MPP in Ontario at 19, but you won’t stay one for long if you can’t field tough questions…especially since those questions are about your Religious Reich agenda. And frankly, you don’t deserve to be there in the first place. But I’ll be more than happy to watch your fascist party die on that hill. Ha, ha.


10. Frank Fucking Amedia. You had a dream about hornets stinging people and turning them gay and sinful if they don’t vote for your boy Drumpf? Well, I had a dream too, about being eight months pregnant (which I’ve never been, and never wanted to be). And then a few days later, I got my much-belated period. Yes, there is a moral to my story. How about yours?

11. James O’Fucking Keefe. He’s on the “pastor bus”, doing…exactly what he accuses the other side of doing. Namely, INTERFERING WITH VOTERS. Hypocrisy, thy name is “Veritas”.

12. Lynette Fucking Petruska. If you’re so concerned about photos of smirky cops posing with black murder victims’ corpses making them and the police force look bad in the media, here’s a wild and revolutionary idea, lady: How about the cops not take pictures of themselves smirking and giving thumbs-ups over black murder victims’ corpses???


13. Darrell Fucking Scott. Oh, you want Drumpf to usher in the End Times? Well, I’m sure that can be arranged. Things are looking pretty damn dire already. And at this point, anything that brings on the end of HIM will be welcome.

14. Franklin Fucking Graham. Not that I was ever With Her, but damn, do I ever wish Hillary Clinton HAD won, if only so the country would be permanently lost to these fucking fundie yo-yos.

15. Kellie Fucking Leitch. No, Drumpf’s message does NOT belong in Canada, and you do NOT belong in any leadership position anywhere. You don’t even belong on a back bench in the House of Commons. Put down the Kool-Aid and go home, you fucking idiotess.


16. Mike Fucking Pence. Smoking doesn’t kill? Tell it to my grandpa, Mikey. Oh wait, you can’t — he’s DEAD! Of EMPHYSEMA. Which is only brought on by one thing, and that thing ain’t wanking…which is what you’re doing when you spout tobacco-industry crapaganda, Mikey. Boy, are YOU in for a rough ride when you take office…IF you take office. (We’ll see about that, ha ha. Lots can happen between now and January…)

17. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Can somebody please give this woman some medication? She’s babbling nonsense about God again. Newsflash, Breeder…God does not appoint gropers, xenophobes, racists or bigots to presidencies! Imbeciles who believe in sky-pixies might vote for them, but that doesn’t mean that THEIR will needs to be respected like the word of God, either.

18. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Why?


That’s why. Your husband is no Jack Kennedy. And you are no Jackie. From now on, I’m calling you Tacky Onassis. PS: How’s that anti-bullying plan coming along?

19 and 20. Edward Fucking Tomasso and Parker Fucking Rander-Riccardi. Drumpf has emboldened the worst to get out there and harass anyone they hate, and look who took him up on it…these two! Whose names will now live in infamy, since the Internet never forgets a wanker. Or two. What a legacy for your grandkids, eh boys? That is, if you don’t both die virgins. Ha, ha.

21. George Fucking Zimmerman. Doesn’t it just so figure that he’d get kicked out of a bar? And for calling someone a “nigger-lover”, too? Yeah, I think we can now definitively lay to rest the debate over whether he called Trayvon Martin a “fucking coon”. And any questions as to why he killed him, too.


22. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. Will someone please put a sock in this woman’s mouth? It’s the only way to keep her from babbling inanities. No, the media are NOT the ones to blame for the terror of a possible Drumpf presidency. That would be the man himself, and his supporters, who have been emboldened nine ways till Friday (heh, that’s today!) in their conviction that it’s okay to be prejudiced and to bash people blindly over it. They took him at his word. The media have been nothing but apologetic toward him!

23. Newt Fucking Gingrich. No, nobody needs a new HUAC, and nobody wants more McCarthyism. Fuck off back under your rock, Newty.

24. David Fucking Clarke. Peaceful protests do not need to be “quelled”, as you so quaintly put it. The Cheeto-dusted losers who voted for your boss, however, are another story, because they’re the ones emboldened to terrorize the innocent. And they are not representative of the “will of the people”, because DRUMPF LOST THE POPULAR VOTE, SHITHEAD.


25. Ken Fucking Blackwell. Hiiiiii! Remember him? Sure you do. He’s the one who helped rig Ohio’s voting machines for Dubya’s second election theft, back in the day. Well, guess who’s now on Drumpf’s so-called “transition team” (for a transition that should never be allowed to happen)? Yeah. THIS guy. Fuck this guy.

26. Ben Fucking Carson. Secretary of Education? Secretary of FUCKING EDUCATION? Are you fucking kidding me? This is a guy who doesn’t understand evolution OR global warming. He even had his portrait painted with Jesus, for fucksakes. Education is going to die a slow and painful death under him, because it clearly didn’t WORK on him.

27. Andrew Fucking Anglin. He’s positively peeing his pants with glee at the prospect of being able to troll people into killing themselves. I can hardly wait for whatever it takes to make HIM do it himself. Just a pity that there are so many other fucking fugly morons waiting in the wings. Well, they can all go meet Darwin too, for all I care.


28. Matt Fucking Forney. Same link, ‘nother asshole who really needs to meet Darwin. Or Winchester. Darwinchester has a nice ring, doesn’t it?

29. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. He quit being a talking head, effective immediately? Why was he ever HIRED as one in the first place? Oh yeah, I know…Lügenfresse! The complicit crapaganda media, rigged by and for Drumpf. Silly me!

30. Donald Fucking Drumpf. For all the stupid things he said and did this week, the absolute wankiest bit has got to be that not-so-subliminable tie he wore to his first meeting with the last REAL president of the US of A, poking out from under his jacket button. Does anyone (besides himself) believe that he is any better endowed than a gnat? And that that, in a nutshell (an eeny teeny tiny nutshell!) is the root of all his ambitions?


And finally, to all the fucking wankers who voted for this Cheeto-dusted pile of fly-blown dog turds. Or those who cheered him on to hollow “victory” (which will soon be reversed, mark my words). The only thing worse than him is YOU. Know why? Because you’re the ones responsible for all the hate crimes this week. If you didn’t do them yourselves, you emboldened the white, male, Christian, heterosexual THUGS who did. They’re piling up too fast to count. Is this your “Great America”, that you wanted to “make again”? Pat yourselves on the back, fuckasses. Because this is all on YOU.

But boy, will YOU be soiling yourselvs when your guy starts walking back on all his campaign promises. Here are just four that he’s broken so far. There’s still more to come. I’m laughing already, and he hasn’t even been barred by the Electoral College yet. Your rage-tears are gonna be so goddamn sweet. And no, I don’t give a rat’s ass about your hurt widdle feelings.

Good night, and get fucked!

Share this story:
This entry was posted in Wankers of the Week. Bookmark the permalink.