Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy New Year to you all, especially all you true Star Wars fans who rightly observed that the Rebel Alliance are fighting against fascism, not for it. May the Force be with you! You have nothing to lose but your slave-dancer chains. And those chains have many links. Some of the weakest ones are, in no particular order…
1. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Sez he’s going to leave the Democratic party if Keith Ellison becomes DNC chair. Hey Al, is that a promise? Because it’s one I’d love to see them hold you to. So long, farewell, and don’t let the door hit you where your mama done split you.
2. Greta Van Fucking Susteren. She may have left FUX Snooze, but the racism and demonizing tendencies she got paid for while working there certainly haven’t left her. Otherwise, she’d call in the National Guard everytime Florida Man (who is typically white) gets high on bath salts and goes around standing his ground, and quit picking on “inner city” Chicago.
3. Sean Fucking Spicer. Stop mocking Der Drumpf for taking credit for shit he hasn’t done? Are you kidding? He isn’t even in office yet. And the prospect of him ever being there at all, even for the blink of an eye, is so depressing that we’ve got to have SOME way of coping with it. Even if that means sick humor at his expense. So take your “proprieties” and stuff ‘em back up the orifice you pulled them from. It really is a laugh that anyone should defer to that pussy-groping wanker.
4. Gerard Fucking Baker. Afraid to call Drumpf a liar, even when he lies constantly, chronically and pathologically? Then the rest of the world should hesitate to call you a journalist, much less an editor. Maybe it would be better to call YOU a liar, too.
5. Katie Fucking Hopkins. She’s totally not racist, you guys! And to show you just HOW totally not racist she is, she retweeted an open Nazi who approves of her totally-not-racism! Good job, you horse-faced fascist git!
6. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. First, they came for the ethics panel, and she did not speak out, because she is not an ethical person. And why is that? Because she sold her own ethics downriver on the day Der Drumpf put her on his payroll. Why else?
7. Marsha Fucking Blackburn. If anyone really cares about draining the political swamp, how about voting out the cretinous cruds like this one, who actually supports the gutting of the one office that stands between the US congress and an actual swamp? Just a random thought. PS: Ha, ha.
8. Jack Fucking Abramoff. Hey! Remember him? The guy who turned the US congress into an actual swamp along with other lobbyists? Well, now he’s lecturing THEM on morality. Anbody fooled by this act?
9. Reed Fucking O’Connor. Once more, with feeling, and loud enough that Hizzoner can hear it: If someone’s religion prevents them from doing their job, they should exit the medical profession and let someone else who is qualified do it instead. Fuck all these idiotic “conscience” clauses.
10. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Remember what I said about draining the swamp? Well, this one and #7 are just two of the many crocs now swimming in it. And this worse-than-useless childcare plan is just one of their many crocks now floating in it. For fuck’s sake, Ivanka, just stick to peddling your overpriced baubles, wouldja?
11. Mike Fucking Enzi. Oh look, the swamp just got deeper and muddier. And the first “repeal Obamacare” resolution is now poisoning the waters. Drain that motherfucker! Drain it, I say!
12. Jeff Fucking Sessions. You know you’re a racist — and unfit to be attorney general — when the NAACP holds a sit-in at your office until you withdraw or they are arrested, whichever comes first. Gosh, isn’t it just like old times again?
14. Timothy Fucking Blake. Because it wouldn’t truly be a wankapedia without at least one actual wanker, here you go. This one played with himself in shopping-mall parking lots, caught the sploodge in syringes, and then squirted it on random women in the malls. And it only took about a dozen incidents before he was finally caught. And just think, you guys, this gross-ass fucking creeper is married! Something tells me he won’t be for much longer, though.
15. Jennifer Fucking Boyle. Oh fuck, HER again? Yup. And the racist wanks just keep coming, unabated. She really does have a persecution complex. And she won’t stop yapping till everybody knows just how much of an entitled snowflake she is for not getting a $1 reusable bag for free.
16. Nick Fucking Kouvalis. Ah, how good to know that Kellie Fucking Leitch’s press flack (who worked for Rob Fucking Ford in the past, as well as John Fucking Tory) is a deliberate spreader of fake news. Remind me again of why we’re supposed to vote Conservative, or take these racist fucking assholes seriously as politicians? Because I swore in the early ‘90s never to vote for another one, and so far, all I’m getting is confirmation of the wisdom of that choice.
17. Chuck Fucking Todd. No, Der Drumpf’s magic tweets did NOT reverse the Repugs’ closed-door decision to gut the ethics committee. The mass protest of millions of outraged US citizens did that, you fucking moron of a presstitute.
18. Bo Fucking Bice. Who? Oh, just that white boy who’s out to dethrone #15 as the Most Entitled Aggrieved White Person in Amurrica, that’s who. Srsly, though: calling somebody white is not racist. Why? Racism only works one way, and it’s in favor of white people.
19. Robert Fucking Stivers. So, women in Kentucky now only have one choice: whether or not to conceive? Well, I wish to Goddess that his mother had chosen not to conceive HIM. And that all the mothers of all his co-religionists had done likewise. In so doing, they could have saved the women of Kentucky from a world of ill-conceived hurt.
20. Jason Fucking Kenney. Yes, Jason, please do enlighten us all about climate change on Neptune while our planet goes to hell in a man-made handbasket. You do realize that you will NEVER have a shot at the PMO, right?
21. Joe Fucking Biggs. Hey, stupid, if you want to lube your dongle with Tabasco sauce (note correct spelling), you go right ahead. My ass, however, will be nowhere near you OR your vial of roofies. And I’m not gonna make you any fuckin’ sandwiches, either.
22. Kellie Fucking Leitch. Oh look, it’s #16’s boss again. And she’s not only agreeing with FUX Snooze’s idiocies about “socialized” medicine (which disgraces her as a doctor), she’s also getting endorsed by actual fascists here, which disgraces her as a politician!
23. Jerry Fucking Dias. Meanwhile, speaking of so-called Canadians disgracefully agreeing with bullshit from south of the border, get a load of HIM. The head of the UNIFOR union, agreeing with Drumpf? Or rather, falling for his blatant lies? Ugh. When will our leftists be leftists again?
24. Laura Fucking Ingraham. How to respond to an allegedly racially-motivated attack by a black gang on a disabled white man? Whip up the online racists! Yeah, that’ll work…ultimately, against this racist harpy.
25. Megyn Fucking Kelly. You can take her out of FUX Snooze, but you can’t take FUX Snooze out of her. She’s hyping the “blacks are thugs” angle for all it’s worth, too. After all, she and #24 have to compete with Tomi Fucking Lahren, the most racist blonde on TV. Speaking of whom, what’s SHE up to? Oh gee, I never would have guessed. Tomi, dear, remember Idaho, and shut the fuck UP (too)!
26. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Once more, with feeling: “BLACK RACISM” IS NOT A THING, YOU STUPID GIT. Now shut up, Newty, and fade back into obscurity where you belong.
27. Ann Fucking Coulter. Oh look, the Coultergeist FINALLY admitted she’s a neo-Nazi! Not that we hadn’t guessed it already, many years ago. Now, the big question: Will she deny and “set the record straight” by claiming that her cryptic numeric tweet wasn’t what the Alt-Reich thinks it was?
28. Paul Fucking Ryan. Well, well. Look who’s trying really really REALLY hard never to get laid again. That’s right…THIS GUY! Don’t worry, Paulie. Six months from now, your balls are gonna be bluer than Monica Lewinski’s famous dress. And two years from now, you and all your bedfellows in Congress will be out on your pimply asses, looking for work in the most hostile job market EVER. Especially if you go ahead and bill the US taxpayers while you build that wall that Mexico won’t.
29. Ezra Fucking Levant. Sued for libel AGAIN? This is getting to be something of a pattern for you, Ezzy. Maybe it’s a sign that you need to find some other line of work…like, oh, say, hammering licence plates, or breaking rocks. Something to keep your hands occupied at something useful, and your big mouth shut, in other words.
30. Blake Fucking Farenthold. Well, look who decided to vote in favor of gutting the ethics commission…someone with no ethics to be gutted at all! How very convenient!
And finally, to the Fucking Jewish Defence League. Only — and here’s the funny part — they aren’t actually in the business of defending any actual Jews. That’s right…they’d rather defend fascists FROM the Jews. Even when the fascists are marching AGAINST the Jews. This might seem odd, but this is the same JDL that sucked up to the English Defence League…not their co-religionists in a religious sense, maybe, but in a fascist sense definitely. Bedfellows really do make for strange politics, don’t they?
Good night, and get fucked!