Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to all the NFLers and everyone else taking a knee for justice, and against racism and police brutality. Kidding! I wish you folks the best. But here’s who deserves to take a knee to the groin, in no particular order:
1. Richard Fucking Petty. Oh, you’re going to put anyone on your team who protests the national anthem of the United States of Amnesia on a Greyhound, are you? Well, Dickie, nobody can hereby accuse you of not living up to your surname. And, gentle reader, if you ever wonder why NASCAR is slowly circling the bottom of the bowl, now you have your answer.
2. Vincent Fucking Cerfalo. I don’t care what your excuses are, dude. YOU DO NOT HIT KIDS AND YOU DO NOT CALL THEM RACIAL SLURS. What part of that is so complicated?
3. Steve Fucking Mnuchin. What Ted Lieu said. The First Amendment isn’t magically cancelled by an NFL uniform and a football field, dumbass.
4. Pete Fucking Hegseth. You know you’re less than credible when even the cheerleader next to you has to roll her eyes at your shit. And yeah, it’s shit when you say the US is the “least racist” country on Earth. With its history of race-based slavery and indigenous genocide that was so bad it actually inspired Adolf Hitler, your country has NOTHING to brag about.
5. Tony Fucking Blair. Because it was about time for Toady Bliar to start wanking again, and of course, to wipe it on Bernie Sanders while not saying boo about Donnie. Just what you’d expect of Dubya’s Poodle, eh?
6. David Fucking Hookstead. Oh, so an anonymous “shareholder” of the Green Bay Packers is an “owner”, now? And he’s “livid” about the anti-racism protests? Yeah, right, dude. But hey! I can see how you came to write for Fucker Carlson’s dumbass rag.
7. Robert Fucking Jeffress. Say, preacher…don’t you have some Christian charity to attend to? Like, I dunno..relief for hurricane victims, maybe? Oh, I see — you don’t. I guess I should be really surprised that you’re one of those Southern Baptists, shouldn’t I?
8. Ryan Fucking Zinke. It may surprise you to learn this, but departmental employees don’t owe one iota of loyalty to Donnie Fucking Drumpf OR “the flag”. They are public servants; they work for the PUBLIC, which Donnie and you most certainly ain’t. And which the flag — an inanimate object — is not, either.
9. Mike Fucking Pence. Why the fuck would Alaskans know anything at all about the “failings” of the Canadian single-payer healthcare system? They don’t use it. Not even Sarah Fucking Palin, who can see Russia from her own house, would assume something so fucking daft.
10. Sidney Fucking Crosby. Well, well. Look who’s a closet endorser of racism. Yes, that’s right, it’s Sid the Kid…Canada’s national disappointment. Who has finally taken his place alongside Wayne Fucking Gretzky in the annals of hockey assholery.
11. Paul Fucking Smith. He’s keeping a list of “no-good niggers”? Well, guess who made my list of no-good crackers? Yeah. THIS guy. Who is now out of a job because of HIS listkeeping. Ha, ha. PS: And don’t blame the media for making you look racist. You did that yourself…by BEING racist.
12. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Yes, yes, dumbfuck, we KNOW Donnie has free-speech rights too. And just like you, he keeps abusing them in loud bursts of utter cluelessness. Put a sock in it, already.
13. Anton Fucking Uhl. Kneeling down to protest a racist anthem is disrespectful? And painting a swastika all over the Steelers’ logo for their peaceful protest against police brutality somehow isn’t? We are truly through the Looking Glass here, folks.
14. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Hey stupid, people don’t turn gay just because they saw a gay character on TV. But I bet watching YOU in action has cost more than a few of them more brain cells than they could afford to lose.
15. Kriste Fucking Kibbey Fucking Etue. Why the double Fucking? Because when your state police are overwhelmingly white, and you come out against a protest targeting racism and police brutality, it’s just that bad of a look for you. Why not just plaster Confederate flags and swastikas all over your badges? It would essentially amount to the same thing.
16. Stephen Fucking Pina. How the hell is “Dance, monkey, dance” NOT a racist thing to say to black footballers? And how is it not racist to assume that all they should be thinking about is entertaining a yutz like you? Jesus.
17. Steven Fucking Seagal. Who? Oh, just some washed-up action movie guy who now does duty as a crapagandist for the Kremlin. And who, cutely, thinks his opinion of protesting NFLers matters. (Is it just me, or does he also look like Seb Fucking Gorka’s twin to you?)
18. Mark Fucking Walker. Hey conservative women, do you still think you don’t need feminism? Because this guy is proof that you damn well DO. Literally all he really values you for is your looks. And that, under conservatism, is all you’ll ever have going for you. Remember that.
19. Jason Fucking Burle. Oh sure, your “Lynch Kaepernick” doormat totally isn’t a race thing. You’re just so punny and clever, giggle giggle. Well, just you wait…your business is gonna dry up. Ha, ha.
21. John Fucking Valko. And AGAIN with the racist shitbag bar owners calling for lynchings. Gawd, it’s like this is some kind of pattern, or something.
22. John Fucking Tory. Rename Centennial Park after Rob Bumbaclot McBumblefuck Ford? How about naming it after the guys he smoked crack with, instead? I mean, that could just as easily be construed as a “unique approach to public service” as anything else he’s done, fer fucksakes.
23. Hope Fucking Carpenter. You know you’ve fucked up when your megachurch pastor has to apologize to the parishioners on your behalf. And sure enough, saying that “only Jesus” can fix racism? Yup, that’s one HELL of a fuckup.
24. Melania Fucking Drumpf. If you’re trying to promote literacy, great. But an even better way to do so would be to exercise some on your own part, and donate to schools that actually have a need for the donation. And above all, don’t get snappish with those who turn it down. Thus ends today’s lesson in how to be a classy First Lady. Tune in next week, when I remind you again that the color of your skin is not a reflection of your character as a person!
25. Theodore Fucking Beale. Awwwww. Wooky who scammed his moron followers out of a couple thousand that he’ll end up pocketing without producing anything that even comes close to rivalling the offerings of DC and Marvel Comics! And he seems awfully angwy, too. Does he haz a mad because that undocumented alien Superman protected some OTHER undocumented immigrants? Methinks I smell a triggered snowflake…AND a grifter. Hey, no reason he can’t be both, just as he’s both a fascist AND a fucking idiot!
26. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Oh, so it’s “imprecise” to call the Bowtie Boy a “white nationalist”? I agree. It sounds much too nice…and like a very imprecise euphemism for NAZI.
27. Richard Fucking Smith. $90 million (US) for failing to stop a massive security breach? Tell ya what, how about saving all that moolah for the payouts to affected individuals, and retiring him without a cent, instead?
28. Paul Fucking Ryan. Nobody is EVER “misguided” to protest racism and police brutality, anytime, ANYWHERE. But trying to make it out to be about the flag and the anthem and a bunch of fucking statues (which it actually isn’t)? Yeah, that’s a wank.
29. Sheila Fucking Zilinski. Oh lordy, is there any idiotic comparison between the NFL and Things NOT the NFL that she didn’t make? I don’t know, and I can’t be arsed to filter through any more of her brain-deadening sludge to find it.
30. Julian Fucking Fantino. My, my, what a difference a few years make. He’s gone from railing against grow-ops…to wanting to start his own. How about just saying NO, Jules?
And finally, to all the fucking Repugs who are keeping aid from reaching Houston and Puerto Rico. Who knew that charity was so contingent on bigotry, greed, and stupidity? Donnie, for one. And these motherfuckers, for others. All of them deserve to be exposed, ridiculed, backed into every conceivable corner…and finally, IMPEACHED AND FROG-MARCHED TO PRISON FOR MURDER.
Good night, and get fucked!