News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! And what a shitty, crappy one it is. Stephen Fucking Harper has finally tipped his hand as a dyed-in-the-wool Nazi, and all in three odious words. “Old Stock Canadians” — a racist dog whistle that clearly ignores the people who were here first, ahead of all those “old stock” types. But since they’re not white, they don’t count. It’s enough to make one want to smash a bottle and straight-up cut a bastard, starting with Harpo himself. And you know who else I’d like to bottle? These people…in no particular order:

1. Kim Fucking Davis. Your fifteen minutes are up, troll. Time to shut up, go away, and leave the issuing of marriage licences to someone who is willing to do the job. ALL OF IT. PROPERLY.

2. David Fucking Nasser. No, racism is not a “sin”; the bible endorses it, as do the proponents of Israeli apartheid, many of whom are ultra-orthodox believers. Police brutality isn’t going to be cured by religion; if anything, history shows that religion has been one of racism’s biggest underpinnings. And WTF is this shit about owning the buses and restaurants? That won’t cure racism, either; as I recall, it only ever helped the richest white people to carry on discriminating until laws came into effect to force them not to. Most people will never own a business, and it’s absurd to expect that tiny individual acts (of ownership, even) will change anything systemic, like racism.

3. Tom Fucking Brady. Well, look who fumbled the political football. And who has obviously taken way too many hits to the head out there on the ol’ gridiron. I mean, what other logical explanation COULD there be for anyone to endorse Donald Fucking Trump, anyway? (Or, come to that, a “putting green on the White House lawn”. UGH.)

4. Donald Fucking Trump. And speaking of Da Donald, looks like somebody hasn’t been reading his bible. And could care less that the chapter and verse he quoted are fake, fake, FAKE. Maybe try NOT watching so many stupid movies, eh?

5. Ann Fucking Coulter. The Coultergeist may be on her way out with the right-wing media establishment, but she’s not going down without a fight…which, in her case, means to fire off as many anti-Semitic slurs as possible. Yes, burn those bridges…shoot, who needs relevance anyway, eh Annie?

6. Bristol Fucking Palin. And speaking of irrelevant…just who is she to tell the POTUS to “STAY out of” the case of Ahmed Mohamed, who was arrested merely for bringing a homemade digital clock to school while Muslim? Nobody, of course. And she’s pissy as hell about her non-entity status, and wants the whole world to know it.

7. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Funny, but absolutely NO gay guys that I know were “turned” that way by crazy women — including my best friend, who, Lord knows, had his hands full with clinically depressed, sometimes-suicidal me. All of them have been attracted to other guys for as long as they can remember. And they like women a lot, sane or not…they just don’t want to sleep with them. (Or sexbots either, come to that.) PS: Milo, if you seriously believe that the female orgasm is just a “biological extremist” conspiracy theory, you might want to learn a bit of basic anatomy.

8. Robert Fucking Cunningham. Let’s get one thing absolutely clear, Bishop…NO victim of abuse is ever “culpable” for what happened to them. Not at 7, not at 17, and not at 70. The “age of reason” is irrelevant when you’re talking about the victim of a CRIME. No matter what the victim’s age, the guilt must always rest on their abuser, because THAT’S WHO DID THE FUCKING ABUSING, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

9. Jeb Fucking Bush. Yep, ol’ Hebby’s been on a real roll this week. Not only did he forget on whose watch 9-11 occurred (hint: his brother’s!), he also wants a positively putrid British prime minister’s portrait on US money. Uh, what was that Declaration of Independence about, again? Also, he’s allergic to big, intelligent words!

10. Marlan Fucking Haakanson. No, a poor grasp of copyright law won’t stop the changing of the times. And neither will a stubborn insistence on keeping a team name racist.

11. James Fucking Rainey Fucking Mason. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid it is to wank in your car in broad daylight, while stalking a woman (who caught it all on video). And oh yeah, it doesn’t help either that he’s a cop. Yes, that’s right, folks, this one’s a literal wanker! The weekly wankapedia just wouldn’t be complete without one.

12. Eugene Fucking Holmes. Yes, I’m sure promising to be exactly like Wanker #1 is a great way to get elected…if your constituency consists entirely of inbred yokels who pull their puds and howl every time the Moon is full. And what’s wrong with wanting to “eradicate homosexuals”? Well, dude, read your history book, if you have one…you’ll find that this strategy was also popular with a certain shitty little meth-addicted Austrian guy who hijacked Germany in the 1930s.

13. Rick Fucking Santorum. And speaking of pud-pulling yokels, how about ol’ Buttsploodge? Yes, Icky Ricky too is still jockeying for some thin shreds of relevance, and he thinks the way to do that is to compare #1 to a Columbine victim! Um, Ricky…she’s still alive. She’s no martyr, she’s a PERSECUTOR. And she’s much too old for high school…though apparently not for immaturity.

14. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. And speaking of too old but still immature, how about ol’ Roosh V? Yes, he too has delusions of his own martyrdom and persecution, even though it’s clear that he, too, is the hunter and not the hunted. And also one helluva projector. Roosh, if feeling “the full force of the establishment” entails nothing worse than getting a beer dumped on your head and being called a piece of shit by a mixed crowd, I’d hate to see what you do when you REALLY get a can of whup opened on your unwiped ass.

15. Cindy Fucking Gamrat. Yeah, God has plans for you, honey. Her plans are for you to be ignominiously defeated by a far more qualified candidate, to fade back into obscurity, and never run for public office (or boink another man in same) again.

16. Wayne Fucking Gretzky. He can’t vote here anymore, but he can still tell us who to vote for? How the hell does that even work? I thought it was against the law for foreigners to meddle in Canadian elections. And Wayne’s not been one of us for about half a lifetime now. But you know what? He’s right about one thing. Harpo has been absotively unreal — like a motherfucking hallucination of madness. And come October 20, we’re bringing Reality back!

17. Felipe Fucking González. Who? Oh, just a certain former Spanish prime minister (supposedly a socialist) who quit being relevant ages ago, but who still thinks he has something of import to say. And what does he say about the current president of Venezuela? Oh, just that the late, unlamented Augusto Fucking Pinochet (long may he rot) had more respect for human rights than the democratically elected, peacefully inclined Madurito. This after a Venezuelan court (not the presidency, but a court of law, motherfuckers) put the fascist putschist Leopoldo López in jail for 13 years, for inciting violent riots in which over 40 Venezuelans died. I don’t know how the hell he manages to get a “brutal dictatorship” out of ordinary, democratic rule of law, so I’ll just say Bye, Felipe!

18. Scott Fucking Lattin. Who? Oh, just some yokel from Texas who vandalized his own truck in order to discredit the good folks of Black Lives Matter, and to bilk other yokels out of a few thousand to repair what he did. Because ever’body knows that black lives don’t matter half as much as those of some white wank in a pickup truck who thinks the right to hate (for dollars, even!) is more important than the right to live, right?

19. Sarah Fucking Palin. Well, of COURSE Ahmed Mohamed is cooler than your kids, all of them put together. And why the hell not? He is more than capable of thinking and doing worthwhile things. I have yet to see evidence that the Palin brood is good for anything other than drunken brawls and unplanned pregnancies. And considering who their mother is, that’s hardly surprising.

20. Chris Fucking Rouston. No, dear, it’s not “sharing your faith” if you only do it unto LGBT people…and you’re actually “sharing” nothing but hateful propaganda. You were fired for harassment, not religion, so take your persecution complex (and your whiny-ass moneygrubbing) the hell outta here.

And finally, to Paul Fucking Elam and his creepy cronies of A Voice For Men. Paulie & Co. had a pub crawl recently, and decided to record their drunken antics, in which they taunted feminist bloggers Jessica Valenti and Amanda Marcotte in the crudest terms imaginable. How this beery bellowing is supposed to help and empower troubled men, they don’t say. Apparently, these poor ol’ bastards are so oppressed that they can’t even stay sober anymore. And that makes Paulie’s ambition to “counsel” troubled dudes (for much more than the going rate) seem kind of hinky. Didn’t he use to have a drug and alcohol problem, and didn’t he also use to be an addiction counselor? How much trust can one put in his “counseling” if he’s failed so dismally to stay on the wagon himself? And if he’s dragged a whole roomful of other men down to his own level?

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! This week’s entry is dedicated to Peegate, our scandal of the week. But it’s not the only thing going down. It’s my doody — er, duty — to bring you all the turds in the toilet, too. And this week’s shits are, in no particular order:

1. Damon Fucking Wayans. No one is “unrapeable”. Not even this unfunny clown, who hasn’t made me laugh since he was in Earth Girls Are Easy, playing an alien who outdances some dude with a fancy suit and a disco stick. Pretty much his only really memorable scene. (Jim Carrey was funnier, and Jeff Goldblum was way hotter.) He hasn’t been relevant since, and I don’t think it will help him to defend Bill Fucking Cosby. Especially not by slagging the latter’s accusers. And if you don’t understand how power, privilege and impunity work, you’re doomed to permanent irrelevancy. PS: Yo, Damon? What SHE said.

2. Jeb Fucking Bush. So, lemme see if I got this straight: It’s the mark of a tolerant country…to just let the intolerant run roughshod over everybody else that they don’t want to tolerate? Wow, there really is no bottom to that barrel-o-stoopid. And just think, kiddies, this one’s supposedly the smart one of the Bush Clan. Ha, ha, joke’s on you — there are no smart Bushes! It’s just rich idiots all the way down!

3. Walter Fucking Palmer. So, the asshole who killed Cecil the lion is about to crawl out of hiding and return to his dental practice. Well, he’s sure gonna see a lot of teeth…but not in the way he intended. Ha, ha. PS: Waaaaaa!

4. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Uh oh. Someone hasn’t learned from his own people’s history what happens when you deny refugees a safe place to live. Never mind the curse of seven generations; make it seven-times-seven, in his case. And even that would be letting him off lightly.

5. Sean Fucking Ludwick. Remember that nursery rhyme about the king in his counting-house, counting out his money? Well, meet the real-estate developer who decided that the local courthouse was his counting-house. Somehow, it’s not too surprising to learn that the reason he was there was a drunk-driving incident in which he wrecked his Porsche and left his buddy to die, eh? Yeah, it’s good to be king…and if justice is served, this guy will be king of a very roach-ridden cell block.

6. Tim Fucking Dutaud. Ever get the feeling that all Conservative candidates are secretly wankers? Well, they are. And some of them actually leave digital trails of their wankeries, too.

7. Raymond Fucking Mott. Why is it that cops have no compunctions about fake-joining leftist groups for the purpose of infiltrating and destroying them? Oh, probably for the same reason that they have no compunctions about joining neo-Nazi and KKK groups for serious. But hey, at least he made the excuse that he was infiltrating!

8. Sage Fucking Gerard. Before you read legal etchings, feed beagle retchings! If that made no sense to you, don’t worry. Neither would anything else this guy says. No wonder he has so much trouble getting a woman to consent to have sex with him. (Well, that and his Menz Rightzer idiocy. Which has the added “benefit” of being super-duper double-looper unsexy.)

9. Nicole Fucking Arbour. No, honey, you’re not “hella brave” to punch down at fat people. Take a hard seat. You’re lazy, you’re boring, you’re trite — and you’re not helping. Pro tips: Don’t assume that fat people are all fat for the same reasons. Don’t assume that being fat will make them all sick, either. Don’t match your lipstick to your hair streaks. Don’t overdo your fucking eye makeup (and don’t let it clash with your lips, either). And above all, don’t spout mean ugly things and then claim you’re doing it because you care. Your own eyebrows look like they’re trying to flee your face, and who can blame them? With all that nasty bullshit coming out of your mouth, I’d be fleeing too. PS: Don’t quit your day job — you’ve been fired! Ha, ha.

10. Kim Fucking Davis. And speaking of “take a hard seat”, look who’s out of jail. Look who’s arrogant and unrepentant. Look who hasn’t learned shit from all that. And look who’s getting shit for her unauthorized use of “Eye of the Tiger”. Ha, ha. PS: No, you know what’s invalid? YOU ARE. Shut the fuck up and go the hell away.

11. Petra Fucking Lazlo. Well, well. Looks like even in fascist Hungary, it’s possible to get fired for being nasty to Syrian refugees who don’t even want to stay in your country, but just pass through en route to someplace better. What’s truly fantastic is that she worked for a station which is the propaganda arm for one of the furthest-right parties in the land. Ha, ha.

12. Jill Fucking Duggar. Is she a missionary, or just a scamster who travels on donated cash? Either way, she and her scrungy husband sure don’t look modest in their vacation clothes.

13. Sue Fucking MacDonell. It’s not just male Conservatives wanking on phones and pissing in mugs this week…their ladies’ auxiliary is just as low-down, mean and spiteful. Case in point: this racist, who was forced to step down from the board of directors for her riding association after she just couldn’t contain her remarkably Harpo-like “thoughts” on why them durn Injunz iz soooo stoooooopid. And if that’s not projection, I don’t know what is.

14. Dean Fucking Esmay. Mang, the term “Men Going Their Own Way” just keeps on stretching. Deano, for one, thinks they CAN be married, even though pretty much every other mig-toe out there thinks they can’t, unless it’s to a mail-order bride from some impoverished country. And even then, they’ll soon enough be unmarried again, because ugh, who’d want to live with THEM? Especially since they tend to use terms like “girlish”, “womanish”, etc., as insults? PS: Anybody seen Deano’s wife? Gotten her thoughts on this matter? Can anyone confirm that she even exists, i.e. that Deano isn’t lying out his ass again? Inquiring minds, etc. PPS: Drama llama much? I mean, THEY spit green goop on their enemies, too…

15. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Roosh V, a “scientist”? Get the fuck out. No, really: GET THE FUCK OUT.

16. Jackie Fucking Sims. It may shock you to learn this, lady, but not everything that is frank and honest about sex is pornography. A science book about a woman whose cervical cancer cells are apparently immortal is not exactly something anyone would whack off to. And you trying to keep science books out of children’s hands is you trying to keep information and knowledge out of their heads. Just because you’re pig-ignorant doesn’t mean THEY have to be.

17. Ben Fucking Carson. No, the United States is NOT a “Judeo-Christian nation”. The Founders themselves said that there is no official state religion, and no need to introduce legislation providing for any. And many of them were Deists, to boot — which, by most believers’ terms, would render them effectively atheists.

18. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. When the only tool you have is a hammer, every issue looks like a nail. And when the only kind of masculinity you have is a toxic kind, the effort to introduce something healthier is “emasculation”. I have to ask why this FUX Snooze telebimbo is so god-awfully concerned with men’s manhoods, anyhow. I mean, it’s not like most of them will have anything to do with her if they can help it.

19. R.E.M. just issued a cease-and-desist to Da Donald for using one of their songs. I suspect they won’t be the only ones. Ha, ha. PS: Appealing to his inbred supporters, I see. Still…EWWWWWWWWW.

20. Pat Fucking Robertson. If you can be jailed for being a Christer, why isn’t Patwa in prison yet? It’s not as if he hasn’t used his fake-ass religiosity to scam the living bejeezus out of his followers… PS: And for a prime example of that religiosity, here you go. He called Kim Fucking Davis a “tramp”! Is that any way to talk about your co-religionist?

21. Braydon Fucking Mazurkiewich. Looks like #15 has company in the Cons’ party-wide (but usually unstated) hate-the-Injunz stance. Aaaand it looks like HE’s out of a party job, too. And considering it was just for the purposes of covertly spreading SupposiTory crapaganda anyway, nothing of value was lost. Ha, ha.

22. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. Need any more evidence that National Geographic is slowly circling the drain? Look who just bought it. And who will, no doubt, sink it by forcing it to become his main organ of climate change denialism. PS: Ha, ha.

23. Peter Fucking Kent. No, Syrian refugees aren’t ISIL militants. They’re the ones fleeing from the ISIL militants. Who are the ISIL militants? Hint: They’re still in Syria. Those are the guys your side is out there financing in an effort to get rid of Bashar al-Assad, remember?

24. Mike Fucking Huckabee. No, Hucky Fudd, there was nothing complicated or difficult to understand about the SCOTUS ruling in favor of legal same-sex marriage. You’re just too stupid to understand it. And if you’re not smart enough to understand it, you’re not smart enough to run for POTUS, either.

25. Nicola Fucking Austen. No, Mom, you don’t buy your daughter 12 bags of cocaine to celebrate her 18th birthday in style. For one thing, that stuff gets smuggled inside of somebody’s rectum. For another, it serves no purpose whatsoever, except maybe to make El Narco Uribe and his right-wing paramilitaries richer. Wanna get your daughter a truly memorable 18th birthday present? GET HER AN EDUCATION SO SHE DOESN’T TURN OUT A FUCKING IDIOT LIKE YOU.

26. Joshua Fucking Ryne Fucking Goldberg. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid it is to pretend you’re an Aussie jihadi on 9-11, when in fact you’re nothing more than a basement-dwelling ziotroll of a Florida Man.

27. Lynton Fucking Crosby. And speaking of Aussie jihadis, what’s this one — a known anti-refugee BASTARD — doing advising our so-called Prime Minister? Ha, ha, not for much longer, you imported git!

28. David Fucking Daleiden. Ever wonder who’s behind all those fake “gotcha” videos purporting to show Planned Parenthood selling aborted fetuses? Now you know. And you also know he’s in trouble with the law for precisely that sort of thing. Ha, ha.

29. Kenneth Fucking Lee Fucking Sheka. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how much of an asshole you’d have to be to fire your gun into a wall when a woman tells you to stop groping her. And just think, kiddies, this one’s a cop! Doesn’t that just make you feel so safe and secure?

30. David Fucking Frum. Oh joy, the schmuck who coined the term “Axis of Evil” has piped up…and accused those who rightly hate Harpo for ruining our country with being “deranged”. Where have we heard THAT before? Oh yeah: From that same schmuck back when he was working for Dubya, when people rightly hated HIM for ruining our neighbor to the south. Oh, if dear ol’ Babs could only see him now. She’d be even more ashamed of him.

And finally, to Jerry Fucking Bance. He claims that pissing in a client’s mug and then surreptitiously emptying it down their kitchen sink doesn’t reflect who he really is? Au contraire, mon frère…true character is what you do when you don’t think anyone’s looking. That means this ugly incident reflects who you really are a lot more than anything else you say or do. And really: If you had to pee so badly, would it have killed you to ask where the bathroom was? Or, if worse came to worst, to just quietly water the bushes? Oh no, you just had to do it in the most disrespectful place and manner possible. You might as well have emptied that mug on your client’s head! But still, this incident is instructive. So emblematic of how our lovely federal Conservatives do…well, EVERYTHING they do, really. And that’s why they’re all bound for the royal flush, come October.

Good night, and get fucked!