News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! If yours was as big a pain in the ass as mine has been, pull up a well-padded chair and a big glass of your favorite libation. You’re gonna need both, because we’ve got miles of ass to kick before we sleep. And here’s all the butthurt, in no particular order:

1. Todd Fucking Akin. WTF is “legitimate” rape? Is that where the rapist waits until he’s got a wedding ring on your finger before he pounces? As opposed to the “illegitimate” kind, where he simply shoves it in without waiting for an “I do”? Does he think that God magically protects “legitimately” raped women from pregnancy, while punishing all those randy little sluts who “asked for it”? And does denying women the right to an abortion have anything to do with that? I suspect he hasn’t got a clue what he’s talking about, and therefore has no place on a science committee. Last time I looked, rape — “legitimate” or not — was a major cause of unwanted pregnancy, and it doesn’t even require full penetration (or ejaculation!) to make the worst happen, either! PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Ha, ha, ha. PPPS: Oh, hahahahahahaha, ha ha ha. PPPPS: Stupid explanation is stupid. So is blaming the “liberal media”. PPPPPS: Hahahahahahahahaha! Oh, hahahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHA!

2. Christine O’Fucking Donnell. Oh look, the Teabagger Party’s sexless sweetheart has wanked again! No, alas, sadly not in the solo-sex sense of the word (she’s against THAT, too…STILL.) She’s as touchingly naïve as ever about what the words “socialist” and “Marxist” mean. Perhaps Inigo Montoya can set her straight?

3. Ann Fucking Coulter. No, we single ladies (and that includes YOU, Madame Coultergeist!) do not look for government to be our husbands. The last thing we want is to be fucked (“legitimately raped”?) on a nightly basis by a bunch of smarmy, repulsive, oily old men who still think of us as their property. PS: Damn, for a minute there I thought the Coultergeist was going to utter at least a particle of sense about Todd Fucking Akin. No such luck…just another loopy Coultergeist “liberal media” conspiracy theory!

4. Josh Fucking Treviño. No, your murderous comments on the Gaza flotilla were NOT misconstrued. No, we have NOT forgotten them. And yes, we will be giving you shit about them until the bitter fucking end of your unnatural fucking life. Or the end of your tenure in what used to be a respectable news outlet, whichever comes first. Fuck off back to Red State, where nobody reads you, asswipe. PS: Ha, ha. That didn’t take long!

5. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Wow, so some “extraordinary people” were born as a result of rape? Guess their mothers’ violations were just illegitimate, then. Or is Hucky Fudd trying to tell us that rape is actually a Good Thing, and that we shouldn’t fight it — or the pregnancies that result from it? I’m confused. And so, I suspect, is he.

6. David Fucking Catanese. The devil don’t need no fucking advocates. And Todd Akin doesn’t need any help in digging his own hole just that wee bit deeper. And we don’t need any explainers, apologists, or defenders of the indefensible. Now fuck the hell off.

7. Steve Fucking King. So, Pamela Fucking Geller’s islamophobic ideological soulmate never heard of girls getting pregnant through incest or statutory rape? Sounds like he’s defending both. Maybe he, like Todd Akin, slept through Sex Ed? If he hadn’t, he’d realize that sexual coercion by older men is the LEADING cause of teen pregnancy. Same thing applies as for #6, yo.

8. John Fucking Willke. And if you’re wondering from which “doctor” these guys all learned about how rape doesn’t get you preggers unless you were really asking for it you filthy slut you, this old anti-choice fuckstick is the crap ideologue you’re looking for. Alas, having had a devoutly Catholic friend in days of yore, I’m familiar with his oeuvre; it was all over her parents’ house. I peeked, and it was appalling. (Poor dear, no wonder she was so fucked in the head.) His entire career, which is basically trumping up a phony medical basis for anti-abortionism, is one big fat fucking wank. Why his licence was never revoked is beyond me; does malpractice not ensue when you lie to patients on the basis of a distinctly unscientific belief?

9. Chuck Fucking Winder. An ultrasound performed at an anti-choice “crisis pregnancy” den of iniquity is NEVER free. And neither is the woman who is held back by the notion that men know better than she does what rape is. This guy deserves to lose the entire female vote of Idaho. The fact that there are still women dumb enough to vote for this shit seriously depresses me.

10. Kirk Fucking Cameron. It’s pretty sad when the only way a washed-up child actor can stay in the limelight is by consistently planting his ass on the wrong side of history. Dude, can’t you just go get addicted to OxyContin, or something?

11. Sharon Fucking Barnes. What is this, Rape Apologist Week? It must be. Why else would anyone be so daft as to say God was “blessing” a victim by making her pregnant? And, really: How could any woman be so fucking stupid as to seriously believe this, or to believe that Todd Fucking Akin was really saying that and just didn’t know how to phrase it right?

12. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Awww, isn’t it touching how quickly the Religious Reich has abandoned all their doctrine of Personal Responsibility? Poor Todd Fucking Akin has been “a victim of forcible assault”! Next up: How rape victims are really the ones to blame, for attacking those poor men with their nasty, toothy vaginas!

13. Mitt Fucking Romney. More doubletalk from the Mitten Man, this time about rape and abortion? I’m shocked, SHOCKED, I tellz ya. At this rate, I’ll be even more shocked if any woman ever votes for him. Even his own wife must be seriously contemplating the doghouse right now. Hey Ann, how about driving around with hubby-dear strapped to the roof in a cage? That would be fun!

14. Paul Fucking Ryan. Meanwhile, Eddie Munster’s Clone is also on the run from statements made earlier about “forcible rape”. Do we dare hope that some woman took him aside and explained to him that ALL rape is forcible, even if the force doesn’t leave cuts, bruises, stab wounds, or bullet holes? PS: Oh, what a relief. I’m so comforted now! PPS: Ha, ha. PPPS: Classy. Any further questions as to why he deserves to lose? PPPPS: Oh, UGH.

15. Kevin Fucking Yoder. And in other news, hypocritical Repugs like to go swimmin’ barenaked with wimmin in the Sea of Galilee, where their Lord and Savior allegedly walked on the water! And some of them are even getting endorsements from nudist clubs as a result. Awfully progressive of them, don’t ya think? Perhaps they might even want to compare their family jewels with the crown jewels of Prince Harry, snurk.

16. Stephen Fucking Harper. Yeah, dude, you badass. You so badass that you rodded around on a fucking ATV (looking like a total fucking knob on it) through some fragile, protected terrain in the Yukon, just to show how badass you are. And, no doubt, to showcase the virtues of budget-slashing for environmental protections (including national and provincial parks), and resource exploitation (i.e. sending all our mineral wealth to China) over dorky shit like, oh, I dunno, conserving the land so that indigenous people and wildlife can still survive there when the tar sands have all gone up in climate-wrecking smoke and all the fucking mineral wealth has gone to China.

17. Kevin Fucking Williamson. I don’t know of any woman who would seriously want to be part of Mittens’ theoretical harem, including his own wife. And using The Fucking Donald as an illustration of how the US “loves” rich people has got to be a fucking joke, because that dude is neither truly wealthy NOR popular. Also, way to leave out social constructs such as patriarchy and gender inequality from your “alpha male” equation, dude. Women don’t “flock” to harems, they get corralled into them (often as children) by patriarchs acting as pimps. Just look at the fucking FLDS, if you want to know how that shit really works. Because that is exactly what Mittens’ ancestors did, you stupid fucking asswipe.

18. Joe Fucking Walsh. Aaaaaannd just to return to our Rape Apologist Week theme, heeeere’s Joe! Yet another islamophobe and ideological soulmate of Pamela Fucking Geller is clueless about Todd Akin, rape and the whole nine fucking yards. I’m sensing a pattern here. You?

19. Elizabeth Fucking Wurtzel. Who? Oh yeah, that troll from the ’90s who thought she was a Special because she was such a hot mess with her unwashed hair and her smeared eye makeup and her Ivy League brain on Prozac. And who thought she was being extra edgy by posing topless and flipping the bird. (Just like millions of others, but don’t tell HER that.) Anyhow, now she thinks she’s a Special for having pretty genes and pots of money, AND working hard to keep up appearances, AND being mad at women who aren’t born with it, and don’t rattle their own bones to death trying to get and/or stay hot (but not messy), like her. Meanwhile, her prestigious law firm has shit-canned her, probably for being too fucking high-maintenance to, you know, show up in court or something. Isn’t she just so precious? I feel like posing topless and flipping the bird at her, just to be edgy. It would make me feel Special, so it would!

20. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. OMG, Barack Obama controls the weather? Really? Well, Rush, do you think you could ask him to freeze your stupid piehole shut? Because that would remove a major source of global warming right there.

21. Joel Fucking McDurmon. No, the backlash against Todd Fucking Akin is NOTHING like a gang rape. But you know what IS like a gang rape? All you right-wing dickweeds organizing to keep women down, based on that stupid fucking “sin of Eve” myth. That is EXACTLY like a gang rape!

22. Pam Fucking Mullarkey. My, what an interesting surname. Tells the world exactly what you’re full of! And worse, if you’re a big backer of the pastor who brought the “Kill the Gays” bill to Uganda. (That “dirty shoes” video isn’t exactly helping your profile, either.)

23. Grant Fucking Storms. I’ve listed him here before, but he’s such a literal wanker, it’s worth refreshing your memories. Don’t you agree?

24. Mona Fucking Charen. No, it does not feel right to believe Todd Fucking Akin in the face of OVERWHELMING FUCKING EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY. What’s really an outlandish idea is that anyone gives such a fucking idiotess as this one an inch of column space to muse on subjects she knows bugger-all about.

25. Nathan Fucking Harden. Oh noes, Yalies are into S-E-X! They even have a Sex Week, where information and sex toys get handed out! That makes them totally on a par with holocaust deniers and homophobes! And this is a topic for an actual, published, contracted book! Seriously!

26. Frank Fucking Szabo. Well, looky here. We have an idiot running for sheriff in New Hampshire, whose state motto, incidentally, is Live Free Or Die. But now, in the case of the “pro-life” wannabe sheriff, it’s apparently been transmogrified into Give Birth Or I’ll Fucking Kill You, You Evil Slut You.

27. Jan Fucking Brewer. I don’t know where the World’s Worst Governor gets her statistics about gun owners shooting people, but I do know where she gets her ideas about gun laws. And it’s a place where the Arizona sun don’t shine.

28. Margaret Fucking Somerville. A philosopher and ethicist she is not. A sophist and apologist for crap values she is. And not surprisingly, she’s stumping like mad for a crap-values-based “debate” on fetal “personhood”. (Note the quotes, they are there for a logical reason…unlike Margaret Fucking Somerville’s arguments.)

29. David Fucking Vitter. Oh look, Diapers has scrubbed a tweet to a young woman with a cutesy-provocative Twitter handle. Also, she’s black, and he’s from Louisiana. The Deep South. Hmmm. Do you suppose he’d do that if it were really all innocent?

30. Ezra Fucking Levant. Uh oh, someone needs schooling; he was too busy making fart noises to pay attention in class. So, Putzra, sit down and shut up, because here it is: You don’t get to call indigenous people “Indians” just because the institutionally racist government department still bears that name. You don’t get to do it even when THEY do, because you’re not one of them. You don’t get to rant about “Indian one-percenters” who sit in offices and do nothing, because glass houses. And speaking of which, how would you like it if I put up a Google map pointing the way to yours? I bet I can get a lot more people to go there and harass you than you tried to do to Pam Palmater. (Are both of your loony followers there yet?) And don’t act all cute and innocent; for one thing, you’re too fucking old for that. For another, we all remember Valerie Plame, and we’re not impressed with your ideological idols at FUX Snooze, either. Good thing most Canadians will never see you as anything other than a fringe lunatic making fart noises in his grandma’s basement…if they’ve even heard of you at all.

31. Peter Fucking Kent. Yes, Harpo IS the prime minister of cannibals. (He’s certainly not the prime minister of ME.) But do you think it’s polite to say so in public?

32. Doug Fucking Preisse. There’s a word for guys like him, and it is RACIST. There is a word for what guys like him do, and it is DISENFRANCHISEMENT. There is a place for guys like him, and it is NOT an elected office.

33. Megan Fucking Lochte. Does foot-in-mouth disease run in that family? “Ching Chong Chinaman” stereotypes stopped being funny a long time ago, if indeed they ever were. (Is lowest-common-denominator lameness EVER funny?) Having grown up with several Chinese friends, I know better than to believe this is all some kind of meta-hipster-avant-garde joke. If you’re white, it ain’t all right. Hence the above meme.

34. Kim Fucking Kardashian. Oompa Loompa doompa di doo, I’ve got quite some message for you: There is only one Diana Ross. Your makeup looks clownish, now wash that shit off!

35. Brett Fucking Eidman. And just to complete our racist-wanker roundup, there’s this guy, an aspiring “comedian” who’s apparently fishing for martyr status as well. Again with the ching-chong. See #33 and add a hearty dash of STILL NOT FUCKING FUNNY, DOUCHEBAG.

And finally, to all the dumb fucking conservatives out there who seriously think Todd Fucking Akin had a point. You people are so fucking stupid, it’s a wonder your mothers’ bodies didn’t reject YOU.

Good night, and get fucked!