News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about them Russkies? Imprisoning three harmless punk rockers for wearing neon tights and balaclavas, singing a song critical of ol’ Pooty-Poot and his nekkid man-boobs, and doing the can-can in a cathedral? It’s almost like Soviet times all over again. Only this time, it’s the church persecuting the Bolsheviks. Too bad all the Czars are dead, else the circle would be complete. Everything old is new again, and some things never change. Including the following, several of whom you are surely not seeing here for the first time:

1. Karen Fucking Handel. You know that mean little kid who, as soon as the bullied victims hit back, screams the loudest, so that every adult in earshot thinks that the victim is to blame? This woman was that mean kid. And by the sounds of the petulant title of her parvulum opus, she never grew the fuck up. Here’s hoping that paper turd hits the remainder tables fast and hard.

2. DeWitt R. Fucking Thomas. Since when is racism a religious freedom? Even in Texas, where stupid lies as thick on the ground as meadowmuffins and crazy is as much a part of the landscape as derelict oil wells (if not more so), that excuse won’t fly. And no, you won’t catch the Black just because some “negroidal” dude packed your groceries. It’s not a fucking germ, dumbass.

3. Pamela Fucking Geller. On the other hand, bigotry IS a disease. And this fucking idiotess is doing her best to make sure San Francisco catches it.

4. Mitt Fucking Romney. Hey everybody, he loves pussy! Ha ha, just kidding. Mittens is anti-choice, and so’s his brand-spanking-new running mate. (Girl cooties — ewwwww.) So, ladies, you don’t have to lock down your genitalia. Your mangoes, on the other hand…

5. Ramesh Fucking Ponnuru. You’re not a working woman. STFU about their so-called “choosing” to earn less. And don’t give me that guff about women not wanting (or worse, not being SUPPOSED to want) equality. Dude, you get paid extra just for having a penis and requiring fewer wardrobe options. You are the beneficiary of institutional sexism, which DOES exist regardless of what stupid shit you say (and, I suspect, BECAUSE of the stupid shit you are PAID by the big whore media to say). Put a fucking dull-colored sock in it already!

6. George Fucking Boedecker. When you’re drunk off your ass at the side of the road and the cops come to bust you, yeah, sure, go ahead and try to talk your way out of it. Forget about that “right to remain silent” thing, as it doesn’t apply to millionaires. But don’t try blaming Taylor Swift, she’s practically shacked up with a Kennedy and you’re old enough to be her father. (Also, your shoes are uglier than shit.)

7. United Fucking Airlines. Yes, the entire company. Why? Well, if you’ve ever seen The Corporation, you’ll know that US law regards corporations as “persons”. And that the personality of a typical large US corporation, based on its deeds, is that of a psychopath. So, extrapolating from this latest caper, in which an unaccompanied minor was treated with gross irresponsibility, we can logically infer that United Fucking Airlines, which is already known for breaking guitars and kicking dogs, is a really, REALLY massive fucking wanker.

8. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Not only does he advocate kidnapping children of gay parents (to “save” them), he also advocates that kidnappers illegally flee the country. That’s aiding and abetting a crime, as well as vicious hate and bigotry. It’s only a matter of time now before this one is caught buggering a boy.

9. Dave Fucking Mustaine. The only thing dumber than a “massive federal conspiracy” theory about a gun nut’s murderous rampage is the sort of person who believes in such things. Case in point: Homophobe, Santorum endorser, conspiracy whackjob, and douchey disgrace to metalheads everywhere, Dave Fucking Mustaine.

10. Cliff Fucking Stearns. Oh, delicious irony: the Religious Reich’s point man got elbowed aside by a teabagger who’s even more fucking insane. I would feel sorry for him (and sorrier still for the stupid-ass voters in Florida who elected the teabag), but he’s the guy who started the whole Planned Parenthood/Susan B. Komen Foundation dominoes rolling. And now that he’s dunzo, that “investigation” will likely stall. So I’ll just say So long, Cliff, and don’t let the door hit you where your mama done split you!

11. Barry Fucking Cooper. Endangered animals and global warming are figments of the imagination, but “rich hippies” who ruined Alberta’s big crapitalistic dreams are real? So says this Cowgary poli-sci prof, who apparently indulges in some mighty fine figments of his own. Like, for example, the idea that a tar-sand pipeline through the rockies wouldn’t leak and poison every fucking thing downstream, thus leaving all of BC — “rich hippies” and otherwise — unfit for any life form, real (like the endangered animals) or imaginary (like capitalists who actually give a fuck).

12. Donald Fucking Trump. Rich bitch, please. Even the Repugs are groaning at your latest — and LAMEST — stunt. Go the fuck away!

13. Stephen Fucking Baldwin. And in other lame-stunt news, the lamest Baldwin Brother is talking out of both sides of his mouth. AGAIN. But hey, he’s right about one thing: politics IS a nasty business. Thanks in no small part to the likes of him, of course.

14. Pat Fucking Robertson. This week, Patwa doesn’t want to see disadvantaged kids adopted, because they’ll grow up “weird” (so he says). And this is a reflection on their adopters HOW? I’d say such sentiments are more of a reflection on Patwa…and not a good one, either. Some man of God HE turned out to be!

15. Tony Fucking Perkins. How best to deflect criticism of your hatemongering? Point the finger at the critics and call THEM hatemongers, killers, etc. Yeah, that’ll work.

16. Andrew Fucking Shirvell. He stalked and hounded a gay man on his hate-filled blog, photoshopping pictures of him next to a Nazi swastika (pot, say hi to kettle!), calling him “too radical” for putting forward a very un-radical proposal (gender-neutral student housing), and now he claims he “had no hate” in his heart? Yeah, he’s about as sincere as a three-dollar bill.

17. John Fucking Boehner. It’s been a while since I’ve listed the orange-skinned Weeper of the House. But this week, Boner finally managed to worm his way back into my bad books by praising Paul Fucking Ryan with faint damns. Then he promptly started blubbering, and big orange tears started to roll down his cheddar-colored cheeks.

18. And speaking of Paul Fucking Ryan, how do you like Mittens’ new running mate? I think they go together just fine…both being flipflopping hypocrites to the fucking max. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: And if you’re gonna go around screwing seniors, leave your mother out of it.

19. Rick Fucking Santorum. Meanwhile, in the Land of Failed Presidential Precandidates, a sulky, pouty little ne’er-do-well, whose name is now synonymous with the ooze that follows anal sex, has crowned himself pope and declared the practice of holding private insurers responsible for full coverage to be a sin. The habemus novem papem signal, in his case, is not black smoke or white from the Vatican chimney, but just a big gust of hot sticky air emanating from his quivering lips.

20. Vic Fucking Toews. Some Minister of Public Safety he is, if he can’t — or rather, won’t — attend a forum on the matter, simply because it’s being held by unions. Public safety clearly takes a backseat to right-wing ideology where Icky Vic is concerned. And if he’s appointed judge in Saskatchewan, as some anticipate, don’t anyone look for real justice from him. He wouldn’t know it if it leapt up and bit him on his adulterous crotch.

21. Tim Fucking Hudak. Elsewhere in union-busting and ideological stupidity, the unprogressive Conservative leader of Ontario is trying to “modernize” the workplace…by scrapping whatever benefits unionized workers worked hard to give us all, early in the modern era. Thus decimating the middle class, and sweeping us all back to the Gilded Age of Robber Barons. With Labor Day just around the corner (a holiday, incidentally, first celebrated right here in Ontario!), the irony of all that naturally escapes him. As does the fact that, as the son of two teachers, he is a direct beneficiary of union-scale wages. Ooooooooo, more irony!

22. Alice Fucking Cooper. Yes, this makes two metalheads in this week’s wankapedia. The genre is clearly on the decline when these aging (and apparently, senile) guys are all getting born-again, supporting Dubya (WTF???) and joining the Teabagger Party. Kiddies, stay away from drugs; do you need more graphic evidence that they rot your brain over time? And of all the people to NOT take job-search advice from, this one surely takes the biscuit. Hey Stoopid, don’t write any more op-eds. For EVER.

23. Joshua Fucking Treviño. Remember the Gaza Flotilla? Remember the vile death threats levelled by Israel and its supporters against those peace activists, many of whom happened to be Jewish? I do, like it was yesterday, because I got pro-IDF assholes on here wishing ME death, too. But apparently some fucking idiot at the Fucking UK Guardian does not, because they hired this vile little troll who openly tweeted that it was all right by him if innocent people got killed. No doubt in an effort to look more pro-something. Pro-what? Your guess is as good as mine. This guy is a slimy opportunist. He’s not pro-anything, except maybe pro-MURDER.

24. Fucking NBC. First they fucked up the Olympics coverage (cutting out a terrific, surreal Kate Bush song from the closing ceremonies? Unforgivable!) Now, they’re planning to air a “reality” show glorifying war, and showing celebrities (or whatever passes for such nowadays, which, believe me, is not saying much) “earning stripes” playing army. At this rate, the network will be no better than FUX Snooze, and it’s already only slightly better at the best of times. Is this a race to the bottom, or what?

25. Coley Fucking Mitchell. Srsly, dude, you’re just lucky none of those monkeys you got naked and drunk with decided to mistake your dick for a banana.

26. Phill Fucking Kline. This is the way the crusade against Planned Parenthood (and other abortion providers in Kansas) ends: Not with a bang, but a whimper. The fact that it began in the first place is the wank; even if the case was unwinnable, Smear Job Accomplished!

And finally, to the Fucking Russian Orthodox Church. First Pussy Riot are “hooligans”, and now that three of them have been sentenced to two years’ imprisonment, they’re forgiven? My, how Christian of you. I guess that if they got sent to Siberia and died of cold and hunger there, they’d be instant martyrs. Whatever happened to turning the other fucking cheek? Oh yeah, that’s what Jesus said to do. But that’s not what the Czar’s spiritual shock troops do, is it? Nooooo, it isn’t. This is the same Orthodox band of brigands who gave the world a very interesting Russian word: POGROM. And now that you’ve run out of Jews to persecute in Russia, you’ve set your sights on a bunch of harmless women who dare to exercise a little glasnost without your authorization? Let it never be said that Stalin truly died. Seems to me that he’s been reborn…in the shape of some patriarchs who will never accept gender equality, freedom of speech, or anything smacking too strongly of real reform. It’s almost enough to make one wish that Russia would try communism again…and this time, for realz.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, the Olympics are just about over, but mega-music-festival season is revving into high gear. And if all that bores you, maybe you should just be thankful that you’re not being “entertained” by any of the following:

1. Liz Fucking Trotta. Jeez, Ms. Twatta — if you love Mittens so much, why don’t you marry him? Oh yeah…he already has a wife. Who is apparently just as big of a twit as you. But she’s a much richer twit, onaccounta she got there first. And she got there first because she was already a rich bitch to begin with. Her attitude is pure “Let them eat cake”. So, you’re envious…and you’re projecting your envy on all those other women journalists, who all happen to do better work than you? Makes sense. I seem to recall you used to be somebody before you started working for FUX.

2. Pat Fucking Robertson. Uh, Patwa? Sikhs aren’t atheists, and they didn’t get shot because they “hate God”. And the last time I looked, most of these US neo-Nazi skins who want to kill anyone who’s not one of them were not atheists, either. They’re lousy fucking humanity-hating fake Christians, like YOU. And your opportunism is frankly fucking disgusting.

3. Michael Fucking Leisner. Oh, if only ALL bigots could set fire to themselves while engaging in demonstrations of their bigotry. And, not to cast aspersions or anything, but…oh, what the hell. He makes my gaydar go boop boop boop! Which just makes his whole demonstration kind of a “Bitch, PLEASE” moment, don’tcha think?

4. Ashley Fucking Gill-Webb. Nothing you say, do, or toss can stop the World’s Fastest Man from winning his race AND setting a new world record, you drunken fucking tosser. Also, how do you like getting beaten up by a Dutch lady judoka?

5. Kanye Fucking West. Look, I get it that in some circles, bitch = girlfriend. (Or fucktoy.) But in the case of Kim Fucking Kardashian, I think it’s better to stick with the original derogatory meaning. Either way, is that vain, empty-skulled twit worth a song, even one so ineptly titled? Given the subject matter, I think it’s safe to say that said song will suck.

6. The Fucking Phelps KKKlan. Yes, all of them. Why?

That’s why. They’re praising God for “sending” a fucking neo-Nazi to kill Sikhs, people. I think they’ve pretty much let us know that they consider Adolf Hitler to be the Second Coming of Christ. Also, they are assholes, pure and simple.

7. John Fucking Schnatter. Oh great, another crap-food chain to boycott — Papa John’s Pizza. Add them to Domino’s and Chick-fil-A. They’re planning to pass on Obamacare costs to the consumer to protect their fucking shareholders, so go on, people, and don’t eat pizza. Make those fucking shareholders SCREAM!

8. Sarah Fucking Palin. You are NOT Supergirl. In fact, you’re not a super-anything, except maybe a super-idiotess. As evidenced by those tackissimo shoes.

9. Conrad Fucking Slimak. Trying to steal an 11-year-old girl’s beachball at Lollapalooza, and then punching her when she won’t hand it over? Dude has a great future as a right-wing politician, is all I can say.

10. Mitt Fucking Romney. Yo, Mittens? It’s SIKH, not “sheikh”. And learn to apologize for your mistakes, you look like a fucking autocrat already. And at least as stupid as Dubya, if not more so. PS: Covering up the blood on your hands won’t make it go away, either. PPS: Ha, ha.

11. Jim Fucking Roddey. Obama supporters are not “retarded”. But your calling them that, even in unfunny “jest”? Mentally challenged, to say the least. Maybe YOU should start putting a disabled sticker on your minivan, old man.

12. Walt Fucking Wawra. Lemme see if I got this straight: You wanted to pull a gun on two guys (turns out they were promoters) just because they asked you if you’d been to the Calgary Stampede yet? And you were miffed because you couldn’t bring your gun (and your moronic gun culture) into Canada? Oh, you poor baby. Let me hand you a whole box of Kleenex. Stay the fuck out of our country from now on, ‘kay?

13. and 14. Sheldon Fucking Adelson and Alan Fucking Dershowitz. The former for being a sue-happy yutz, and the latter for being a waaaaambulance-chaser. And I wouldn’t put it past either of them to be living off the avails of prostitution in Macau.

15. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Hardly a week goes by that he doesn’t wank, but this week it’s a real doozer. Seriously talking about bducting children of gay parents to “save” them from all that love and excellent child-rearing, just in the name of furthering a crap ideology based on superstition, hate and lies? And calling it an “Underground Railroad”? I hope some descendant of escaped slaves bitch-slaps him straight into the next century for that.

16. Joe Fucking Walsh. There goes the neighborhood — Joey-boy wanked again. He really needs to get a life himself. And stop being such a bigoted, racist little piece of shit. Otherwise, his career will hit the Rocky Mountain Way.

17. Larry Fucking Craig. That “wide stance” just keeps getting wider. Now the closet case is claiming that his airport bathroom come-ons were “official business”? More like disturbing the other guy who was just minding his own business. And is anyone surprised that Wide Stance Larry misspent over $200,000 in campaign money on his legal defence for that, too? No? All righty then. Toilet cruising is now Official Business, y’all.

18. Bobby Fucking Jindal. Here’s an idea unlikely to be endorsed or pursued by the governor of Louisiana: Spending public school money on public schools that teach actual facts and don’t discriminate, instead of wack-ass charter schools that teach bunkum and force girls to get pregnancy tests (and expel them if the test result shows positive).

19. William Fucking Jenkins. Worst son in the world? Yeah, I’d say anyone who rubs freshly laid dog shit in his own mother’s face just for not giving him vodka is a strong candidate for the title.

20. Marc Fucking Smirnoff. Speaking of vodka, this former magazine-editin’ dude’s name is full of it…and apparently, so’s his brain. Sexually harassing an intern (who is still in her teens, ahem, and 30 years his junior!) and then claiming it was all “nonsexual” or “acceptable to her in that moment” and expecting others to believe it? You’d have to be drunk off your fucking ass.

21. Grover Fucking Norquist. Well, at least Bathtub Boy is honest about why the teabags chose Mittens. They want a puppet who will rubber-stamp their “already prepared” legislation. Is there any better reason NOT to vote for him than that?

22. Michael Fucking Coren. Once again, Canada’s Oldest Neo-Nazi Skinhead shows his style and wit and class…by trashing Jack Layton, who can’t defend himself onaccounta he’s been dead for a year. And projecting his own mediocrities onto him. Charming!

And finally, to Larry Fucking Klayman’s little sockpuppet on the tweeter, who called me an “anti-human rights activist”. Well, you know what they say…to be damned by the devil is to be truly blessed. And goddamn it, I’m blessed, all right. Blessed with the sense to know a good president (Chavecito) when I see one, and also a shitty shyster who never misses an opportunity to make an ass of himself. Like, oh, say, Larry Fucking Klayman, about whom nobody would give a damn if nobody made fun of him. (You’re welcome, Larry! And please, keep wanking!)

Good night, and get fucked!