News of the Restless

Yes, this is real. Figures it’s from Aryan-fucking-zona.

Crappy Thanksgiving, Canada–and crappy weekend, world! Because Teh Stoopid never takes a holiday, I’ve decided to load up the pickup and deliver you a load of bad cranberries…to go with these fucking turkeys:

1. Jim Fucking DeMint. So, DeMented’s latest bon mot is that sexy singles and gays shouldn’t teach? Well, I think right-wing wackos should be debarred from practicing medicine, religion, law or politics. Or anything else that puts them in a position of power, because there is ample proof out there that all they ever do with it is fuck up. Hey, fair’s fair.

2. Boyd Fucking Packer. Another fucking homophobe in a position of power, this one Mormon. Send him packing–click the link and sign the petition, folks.

3. Christine O’Fucking Donnell. The “classified” information she claims to have on China isn’t classified; it isn’t even new. So how seriously should we take her when she claims China has a secret, fiendish plan to take over the US? Oh, about as seriously as we have to take her dad when he puts on his fright wig, red nose, greasepaint and oversized shoes. PS: No, girlfriend, you are so NOT me!

4. Jason Fucking Kenney. Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the shit of a lying scum. And he laid it in more places than one.

5. James O’Fucking Keefe. Last week I called him a sleazy little shit-weasel. I was entirely too kind. The boy-man makes a travesty of the whole notion of sexual consent. And an icky travesty, at that. One gets the distinct feeling that he doesn’t like women. At the rate he’s going, the feeling will soon be more than mutual.

6. Glenn Fucking Beck. What will it be this week? The Chavecito wank? Um, Chavecito’s citizen militias, unlike the dumb redneck toy armies galumphing all over the backwoods of the US, are at least well-regulated, by government, with training by real military officers (who, after all, worked with the same FAL rifles that the militias are now using). Then how about the burning-down-the-house wank? Problem there is, to have the government pay for it from taxes would have cost the citizens less. Oh! Oh! I know! The kooky-conspiracies-stolen-from-Alex-Jones wank! That one’s a real wiener, er, winner!

7. The Fucking South Fulton (Tennessee) Fire Department. In light of the past week’s events, you may want to amend that mission statement there, fellas.

8. Sarah Fucking Palin. Remember how she gushed about wanting to meet Maggie Thatcher? Well, Maggie’s biographer thinks she’s a waste of protoplasm. And Maggie, you’ll recall, is housebound with senile dementia. D’oh!

9. Stephen Fucking Harper. No, he’s NOT fucking human. Any fucking questions?

10. Rand Fucking Paul. Not fucking human, either. REALLY not fucking human. Who needs death panels when you’ve got him?

11. Jordan Fucking Gehrke. Where the racist fuckin’ retards at? Sharron Fucking Angle’s campaign office, that’s where. But of course, to point out that he IS one is “shrill and overly earnest”.

12. Jennifer Fucking Keeton. As noted here recently, you can tell a lot about someone by the following s/he attracts. In her case, it’s the fucking KKK; they like her “Christian” homophobia almost as much as they like their “Christian” cross-burnings. You have NO idea how tempted I was to spell her surname with a kkkouple of extra kkkapitals.

13. And from the same item, David Fucking French of the ADL. This makes HOW many times that organization has leapt into the same bed as the KKK, now? No one is demanding that Keeton “renounce her faith”, only her idiotic and misguided anti-gay prejudice, which views homosexuality as a “lifestyle” and a “sin”, rather than the inherent orientation that science has determined it to be. Duh.

14. And again, from that same article, for kkkomic relief, how about that Bobby Fucking Spurlock? “We’re trying to protest the constitutional rights that they are trying to take away from her,” sez the grand pooh-bah. Um, yeah, that’s about right. The KKK has been “protesting” against the constitutional rights of citizens ever since its inception as a lynch mob of frighteners and hatemongers just after the Civil War. Their mission is not to uphold rights, but to suppress them. Blacks and gays are not “real” human beings to them. So of course, it’s only natural that they would do this, right?

15. David Fucking Barton. Funny how all those “small government” religious rightards are fully in favor of government interfering in people’s sex lives. This asshole wants the govenrnment to “regulate” (read: SUPPRESS) homosexuality. Hey, I have a bonzer idea: How about governments everywhere start taxing right-wing churches? Especially those with preachers who wear shit-ugly shirts?

16. Andrew Fucking Miller. You don’t have to be a literal wanker to work in the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles, but it’s a definite asset. As is a wide stance.

17. Aaron Fucking Riley. 7.5 terabytes of kiddie porn is one helluva lot of wank. Does this crazy fucker even have a life away from his computer?

18. Ron Fucking Johnson. If flibbertigibbertarians are so smart, why can’t they make themselves available to the media and answer some goddamned questions? Oh, I get it: If they can’t control what questions get asked, they won’t answer. How pro-freedom is THAT? These fucking crypto-fascists are the first ones, always and inevitably, to try to muzzle the media. Just as they’re always the ones trying hardest to silence li’l ol’ ME.

19. Kathleen Fucking Folden. What do you bet this self-appointed Carrie Nation of public “decency” is one of those religious-right types who talk big about small government, too? Srsly, lady, if you don’t like to see Jesus getting a BJ, DON’T FUCKING LOOK!

20. William Fucking Mattison. Jesus H. Christ, how many damn birth certificates does the state of Hawaii have to release before all these crazy fucking idiots stop threatening to kill His Barackness over it?

21. Lou Fucking Dobbs. Now we know why he offgassed so much about undocumented immigrants, calling them “illegals” and slamming them for stealing jobs from “hard-working Americans”. IT WAS TO KEEP THE WAGES OF HIS PEONS DOWN, STUPID! And for the love of Dios…how many fucking houses and horses does a babbling idiot on the nightly news need to own, anyway? No wonder he was so goddamn cheap with the help. News anchors may make more than your typical ink-stained wretches, but the economics of that one still don’t add up. Unless…

22. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Useless eater is in favor of burning houses down if their occupants don’t pay a “libertarian” tax increase. Like I said earlier, may I not give a piss if the same one day happens to him.

23. Avi Yaakobov. You may want to save your belly-dancing skills for women who aren’t terrified and blindfolded, and who actually WANT to watch you wiggle your pelvis, dickweed. PS: Oh, FUCK.

24. The Fucking Phelps KKKlan. If you’re gonna quote Ozzy Osbourne, you might want to remember what the real lyrics to “Crazy Train” were. Among them: “Maybe/it’s not too late/to learn how to love/and forget how to hate”. Also, the chorus goes “I’m going off the rails on a crazy train.” Which is, ironically, appropriate; the Phelpses have been off the rails for decades now. It’s time this crazy train rolled into the ditch. I hope Ozzy sues!

25. David Bruce Fucking McMahan. Some men aren’t fit to be fathers. This incestuous slimeball is one of those. And worse.

26. Mike Fucking Rosen. Yes, the right-wing LOVES terrorism. They even call for it, openly, on the public airwaves. But somehow, calls for anti-Muslim terrorism are perfectly kosher–at least in the state of Colorado.

27. Pierre Fucking Poilievre. Why?

That’s why. Shouldn’t he have waited until AFTER he was all growed up before he went to work on the Hill?

28. Rich Fucking Iott. He’s a “purely historical” wanker. Of course. What else could he be? Only there’s one problem with that excuse: The real Nazis did NOT wear camouflage fatigue pants with their tunics. In fact, they never wore camo anything, anywhere.

29. Lucio Fucking Sucio Gutiérrez. The blood of last week’s attempted coup (now confirmed even by the normally servile Chicken Noodle Network!) in Ecuador is on his hands. So far, eight dead and more than 200 injured. And to add insult to injury, the asshole blames President Correa–and claims HE was taking orders from Chavecito? There aren’t enough cusswords in the dictionary for this one.

30. Sharron Fucking Angle. Who knew that Dearborn, Michigan–home of the Ford Motor Co.–was now under Sharia law? Nobody, actually…Crazybitch just made that shit up. The laffs just keep on coming.

31. David Fucking Vitter. Diaperdude joins Crazybitch #30 in using racist videos to illustrate the concept of “illegal” people. Funny how they never use white Russian mafiosi. Are aliens only “illegal” when brown and Spanish-speaking? Sure smells that way.

32. The Fucking Insane Clown Posse. As I’ve said before, you can tell a lot about someone from the kind of followers they attract. In the case of this truly atrocious group, it’s largely violent idiots with right-wing sympathies and vague, nihilistic notions. So it should come as no surprise that they are actually fundies in greasepaint. And their shitty lyrics reflect a certain…oh, shall we say…utter contempt for the humanity that was supposedly created in God’s image, especially the female half. Not to mention a real stupidity when it comes to science. Just because THEY don’t understand how magnets and evolution work, doesn’t mean there’s really an invisible hand at work making miracles. It means they don’t understand how magnets and evolution work–period. (I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that they were all very poor students.) Is anyone buying their “we’re just trying to reach (and preach to) the kids” shit? I’m not.

33. Virginia Fucking Thomas. I hope the wife of Judge Pubic-Hair-in-my-Coke realizes that a return to the “conservative cons
titutional values” of the past means that she and he will have to divorce. Interracial marriage was illegal then, you know.

34. Ron Fucking Paul. If you thought his son was crazy as a coot, wait’ll you see who he got it from. Nobody in his right mind could think a “Soviet-style collapse” was a good thing, let alone a necessary precondition for the removal of all US bases from foreign soil! Please, can we just have the both of them committed?

35. All those crazy fucking racists who call in to C-SPAN. Especially when there’s a “colored” man sitting in the host’s chair. At best, they are comical. At worst…well, let’s just say that THEY are what is wrong with the US, and what always has been.

And finally, to the retarded fucking gun nut (from Poland??? I smell a rat!) who pooped here. Reading comprehension: Acquire some, dude. I don’t like guns in the hands of power-mad thugs, no matter who they are. I am for accountability, and neither for nor against gun ownership (although much less of the latter and much more of the former would unquestionably make the world a much better place).

And no, that stance did not change during the rescue of Rafael Correa. Nor will it ever. The Ecuadorian military acted responsibly; the putschist federal police did not. If your simple mind doesn’t process that not-terribly-complicated fact, it ain’t my fault.

Good night, and get fucked!