Wankers of the Week: Bitches and Bimbos edition

Yep, I decided to do Ladies’ Night this week. Only I’m not so sure about the ladyhood of these candidates. Some are bitches, some are bimbos, some are both…but all are undeniably WANKERS!

1. Virginia Fucking Foxx. This so-called congresswoman thinks that characterizing Matthew Shepard’s murder as a hate crime was a “hoax”. She also thinks that he was killed in the commission of a robbery, not a gay bashing. Um, yeah. When’s the last time you saw a robber crucify his victim on a fence, pistol-whip him, and then leave him to die of exposure during a cold prairie night? Shit, “lady”, even the killers’ girlfriends testified that it was all because Matthew was gay. But who are we gonna believe–them, or the Traditional Values Coalition, which supplied the so-called congresswoman with her so-called talking points?

2. Carrie Fucking Prejean. I knew these so-called beauty queens were dumb, but you know what’s dumber? Using the occasion of a pageant Q ‘n’ A session as a platform for preaching “opposite marriage” (dorkiest term ever!) and insisting, in spite of the overwhelming heap of evidence to the contrary, that US citizens have any choice in the matter of whether they can marry a partner of same or opposite sex (in all but a handful of states, it’s opposite only). Granted, Perez Hilton is a douche who probably couldn’t find Venezuela on a map, much less understand that gay rights are enshrined along with the rights of all other people in its Bolivarian constitution. But still, even a stopped clock has its moment, twice a day for one second apiece, and that was his two seconds right there. And he didn’t deserve the treatment he got from her. Stupidest of all, though, is whoever’s responsible for Carrie’s boob job:

…because if you’re gonna go preaching “opposite marriage”, your falsies shouldn’t look like they’re trying to divorce each other. There’s a canyon between them wide enough to drive a mining truck through, for God’s sake!

3. Rachel Fucking Marsden. I can’t imagine why this chronic stalker has romantic woes; can’t all those jerks out there see that the poor little victim is just a man-eating drama addict? And now she’s hoping to exercise her leech-like tendencies on returning Gulf War II vets, reasoning that they’d be the only men brave enough to sit through a dinner in which she shishkebobs them with her huge, crazy eyes. Heh, good luck with that, Rae. If you can find one who hasn’t got PTSD out the wazoo and isn’t sickened by hearing you drone on about shit you don’t know the first thing about, let us know, ‘k? That is, if you don’t OD on your own antipsychotic meds first.

4. Evelyn Fucking Trejo de Rosales. Her husband fucked off to Peru rather than face corruption charges in Venezuela. She defends him with all the hysteria she can muster, claiming not to be afraid. (Of WHAT?) No one believes her, but plenty are snickering. The question is, why won’t he defend himself–in a court of law, as it’s generally done in democracies when someone is up on corruption charges? And why is he hiding behind HER skirts?

5. The anonymous fucking bitch who said this in Salt Lake City: “I can’t believe this country elected Obama as president; it must be a sign of the end times when the Constitution will hang by a thread.” Oh noes, they elected a NIGGRUH! The sky is about to fall!

6. Gail Fucking Johnson. Stop whining about your taxes, bitch–you make more in a year than the average working woman makes in ten. You can well afford to pay a few thousand more, and even if you do, you’ll STILL be out ahead of Ms. Average American Worker. Pay up, and shut up!

7. Her Royal Fucking Clintoness. She’s not named as an author of a shameful report falsely linking Chavecito to the FARC, but tell me–who is the current head of the State Dept.? That makes her responsible for this bullshit leaking out and contaminating the waters. She is just as responsible as Auntie Condi was before her for this. Shouldn’t she be held accountable?

8. Melanie Fucking Kirkpatrick. Christ, how old IS that “Chávez is antisemitic” bullshit, anyway? Can’t you bitches in the Wall St. Urinal at least come up with some new libel?

And finally, anyone who thinks I’m being unladylike to call these women bitches. I believe in truthful labelling, and so should you. And if you don’t…guess what you are!