Wankers of the Week: Wankin’ around the Xmas tree

First, a little mood music, to get us in the proper holiday spirit…

(And doesn’t Billy Idol still look great for his age? Well, maybe a little stiff. And cartoony…)

Ah, Yuletide. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, for most of us; for wankers, it’s the most wonderful time of the year…to demonstrate how un-Christian they really are. And we got more of them than Santa has coals in his sack, kiddies. So here we go, with this week’s dimmest-bulbs-on-the-ol’-green-tree:

1. Ray Fucking Comfort. Plagiarizing an evolutionist opponent to “refute” Charles Darwin with fundamentalist hogwash? The mind boggles.

2. Matthew Fucking Spalding. The Nobel Peace Prize is a “title of nobility”? Dude, if you’re gonna style yourself a “constitutional scholar”, the least you could do is learn the difference in spelling (and pronunciation!) between “noble” and “Nobel”. You might also learn how to disentangle a cash award from a title (there is none attached to the million-dollar prize). And above all, when it comes to needing the consent of Congress in order to receive such an award, you might want to ask that other undeserving US Nobel winner, Henry Fucking Kissinger, if he had to go begging Congress for it!

3. The fucking racists of Verona, Italy. I’m not sure what’s so terrible about a non-white Nativity scene (hell, one of the Three Kings in the German ones my parents and grandparents had was always black!), but apparently a whole dang shebang with no white faces threatens some people terribly.

4. John Fucking Bolton. So, humans are “hard-wired for conflict”? Better not read what RickB has posted about the evidence for genetic altruism, then. After all, “Peace on Earth” is such an unnatural notion to Ol’ Milk Mustache Man, who has made quite a lucrative career out of pursuing its polar opposite.

5. Fucking TIME magazine. Ben BernWANKe, Person of the Year. Srsly. I know, you’re thinking “WTF, dude?” But srsly. They’ve picked a lot of wieners over the years, so this is actually par for the course. Doesn’t make them any less wankish at any other time of the year, either, since they consistently get the majority of their foreign news wrong. But since it’s practically an annual tradition for them to make piss-poor choices for their persons-of-the-year, let’s just make it an annual tradition to piss on them here, eh?

6. Joe Fucking Lieberman. Fortunately, Al Franken was on hand, taking time out from his Hanukkah dreidel-spinning to gavel this oh-so-deserving fucker down.

7. John Fucking McCain also gets a dishonorable mention–for blatant hypocrisy. I guess it’s different when it’s a turncoat Arschlecker like Lieberman, eh?

8. Larry Fucking Summers. So, women can’t do math? That’s funny, we’re not the ones who “misplaced” a billion dollars at Hahvud by playing the debt-swapping markets. So glad I never bothered with that Ivy League MBA shit–it clearly stands for “Master of Bugger-All”!

9. Daniel Fucking Petit. Because “patriotism” and “supporting the troops” are clearly synonymous with turning a blind eye to human rights abuses and stonewalling in Parliament.

10. Stephen Fucking Harper. Because the best way to boost Canada’s profile in the world is to turn a blind eye to human rights abuses in Afghanistan AND climate change both, instead of boldly facing them head-on and NOT toadying to the Yanks.

11. In fact, the entire fucking Conservative party are wankers and deserve the following fate:

…and if it reminds you of anything, fellas, take a lesson from the sad fate of your historical antecedents now, and quit the wanking while you still can.

12. Adrian Fucking MacNair. Wanna talk about Canadians who hate Canada, Adrian? Look in the mirror and describe what you see. You must not value our country very much if you vilify a fellow countryman as a commie just for telling the unhappy truth (and doing a better job of it than you with your shit, if truth be told). Our collective dependence on fossil fuel and crapitalism is losing us sovereignty over our own Arctic as the polar ice melts, and melts, and melts. Even your beloved Tories have a problem with this. Yeah, go right ahead and deny global warming, too, but just remember: Capitalism can’t save you from the effects of it–WANKER.

13. James Fucking Inhofe. Another wanker who thinks denial is a river in Egypt. He was too much even for the journo from Germany’s oh-so-crapitalist Der Spiegel to take. Unnamed journo called him “ridiculous”, right in Der Inhofe’s face. Whoever that Krazy Kraut was, he’s my newest hero. Vielen Dank!

14. Alexander Fucking Cockburn. Sorry, dude, but when you drink the conservative Kool-Aid on global warming, you get to stand in the same corner as all the other wankers up there in front of you, and you get to share the same dunce cap. Tell the people of Bolivia they have nothing to worry about when man-made global warming is robbing them of a major source of their water–I’m sure they’ll be happy to hear your “scientific facts”, assuming the
y stop laughing long enough to hear you out. Maybe, if you’re extra-convincing, they might even take you skiing on the Chacaltaya Glacier!

15. Jeff Fucking Valletine. So, Sarah Fucking Palin “is a strong personality who brings out lots of opinions from lots of folks”? That’s a mighty curious thing to say about a batshit-crazy woman who says, in all seriousness, that Canada should “dismantle” its healthcare system and let the profiteers in. And who also claims that our “socialized” single-payer system is mandating “death panels” at hospitals caring for senior citizens…hospitals like the one Jeff Fucking Valletine just happens to be speaking for. The same that dropped her like a hot cowpie, probably for that very reason. And probably also for the salient fact that her $200,000 speaker’s fee would have consumed all the funds (1000 plates @ $200 apiece; do the math!) they were trying to raise for the new equipment they need, which our oh-so-socialist federal (Conservative) and provincial (Liberal) governments aren’t forking out the money for. But yeah, let’s just go with the “strong personality” theory, and assume that Canadians are idiots who can’t do basic math, never learned history, and don’t consider Tommy Douglas the greatest of us all.

16. Laurie Fucking Hawn. For urinating all over the intelligence of the Canadian public. This public understands full well that the federal Conservatives have been covering up evidence of torture in Afghanistan–torture in which our troops have been made complicit by handing over prisoners of war to the local authorities. Perhaps we should hand MP Hawn over too, and see what he says then.

EDIT: Oh shit, it gets worse!

17. Jim Fucking DeMint. File under “not clear on the concept”, the concept in question being “good faith”.

18. Jason Fucking Kenney. Same drawer; concept being what constitutes antisemitism.

19. Barack Fucking Obama. Same drawer also; concept being PEACE. How’s about handing that million-dollar Nobel over to the Taliban, along with all the other cash going along with that 30,000-troop “surge”? You might as well, because that’s where it all ends up.

20. Ben Fucking Nelson. Because the “true meaning of Christmas” is keeping women under the bootheel of the male-dominated state, and the people without single-payer healthcare. For “moral reasons”, natch.

21. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. See above, and add loud barnyard noises. And drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

22. Tom Fucking Coburn. See #20, and add copy of US constitution stained with fecal matter and vomit. Meanwhile, the GOP has just lost one of its own over the very “mission” of which the lunatic speaketh.

23. Chris Fucking Matthews. Because the progressive netroots “get their giggles from sitting in the backseat and bitching.” As opposed to himself, who gets his by sitting in front of a camera and doing the exact same–FOR MONEY. But since he does it on behalf of the establishment, who are staunchly anti-progress, why, that makes it all dignified, decorous and right!

24. Sarah Fucking Palin. Honestly, why anyone still thinks this woman is smart is beyond me. Why not just tattoo a huge red FAIL on her forehead?

25. Christopher Fucking Monckton, a.k.a. the Third Viscount de Bumfucque and Buggery-on-Thames. Nice to know that good old English class snobbery is alive and well, and that there is still some outrage to be mustered at those horrible, gauche Danish police, who beat on the titled and the untitled alike. Now where’s the G and T, His Lordship has the vapors! Pip, pip…

And finally, to Mikey the Moron at 24.129.188.34, for the following lovely (and charitable!) Yuletide sentiment, which I’ve put in my spam filter. See if you can guess why:

Damn right, I work for my money and got an education, I see people in poor hoods with cars better than mine, and $2,000 dollars worth of gold

in and on thier bidy that they paid for with my tax dollars called welfare. I think everyone should pay taxes, even if you earn $1.00 a year. But it goes for all races and la razas

He dropped that on this entry, which, as you can see, has fuck-all to do with black people and Hispanics. I deleted his racist Reaganite rant from there because it’s totally off topic and sounds like it came from some bum strung out on meth, typing from a dumpster behind the 7-11. (Probably did, at that.)

You can e-mail him here, or visit his shitty blog and drop a little mistletoe on his head–tied to a solid gold brick, of course.

Hey Mikey, here are my holiday greetings to you:

The sincerest one, of course, comes from the cat.

Good night, and get fucked.