Wankers of the Week: Hotter than Hades edition

Y’okay. July’s got one week left. And when it goes, the stinkingly unpleasant humid scorchers should soon also abate here in Southern Ontario. Truth be told, this past week hasn’t been nearly as bad as the two before it. But Teh Stoopid still burns hotter than napalm, and to prove it, here are some of those who haz it:

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. Finally, we know the secret reason behind her appeal to white-trash Amurrica. It’s not her Miss Wasilla title; it’s not her hair extensions; it’s not her lipstick; it’s not her boobs, or her gams, or anything else that’s MILFy about her. It’s the fact that she is even dumber than fucking Dubya, if that’s possible.

There is no reason why peace-loving Muslims should object to a mosque anywhere near Ground Zero, since it wasn’t peace-loving Muslims that brought the Twin Towers down. Need I remind you that it was violence-loving phonies with the backing of the CIA, the Pakistani ISI, and a paymaster who happened to be a Pakistani general named Mahmood Ahmed? None of them are peace-lovers, and any responsible imam would have trouble characterizing any of them as Muslims. Therefore, the idea that a peaceful house of worship should be a “stab” to the values of anyone is frankly ludicrous, and the location of said place (which is not even within sight of the disaster area) has no bearing on anything. If anything, the presence of a mosque nearby should offer evidence of tolerance, and be a comfort to those Muslims who lost family in the WTC on 9-11. It is not a stab to the heart, but a balm for heartache to those people, and should be regarded as such by non-Muslims as well.

BTW, this wasn’t just a random slip of the tweeter. Here’s some video, showing our poor misunderestimated Paliness mouthing the selfsame stupidities on Fux Snooze–the very channel that crowned King George the Dubya when in fact Al Gore had won Florida. The “reporter” who broke that “news” was Dubya’s own cousin. Coincidence? I think not.

PS: This isn’t helping, either.

PPS: Aw, fuck.

2. Rob Fucking Ford, again. What’d he do this week? Well, how about a bald-faced lie about the Mayor of Toronto, whose seat he’s salivating to squat in come next municipal election:

(Tweetage courtesy of Jonathan Goldsbie. Follow him if you want to know what’s really going on in TO, and not just its City Hall, either.)

Is this a responsible use of taxpayers’ money, Rob? Shit, even if you did it on your own dime, it’s just plain reprehensible. (PS: Bwahahahaha.)

3. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. He may tack the word “illegal” on there, but really he just means Africans. Yeah, tell me Israel is not an apartheid state. Someone please tell him about the Falashas again, he seems to have forgotten that historic chapter.

4. Ezra Fucking Levant. Why?

That’s why.

Ezra the Putz spends an awful lot of time screaming about antisemitism, while hating on those other Semites, the Arabs. I guess Mel’s not being a Muslim gets him a free Ezra putz pass, somehow. And if Mel’s next tirade happens to be against brown people who bow down to Allah five times a day, we’ll know for sure.

5. Douglas Fucking Spink. Bestiality is NOT a sexual orientation, it is animal abuse, and it is CRUEL. There just aren’t enough circles in Hades to accommodate the likes of THIS one.

6. Jason Fucking Ready. There’s a reason why I don’t believe the so-called “Minutemen” who are trying to usurp the US Border Patrol’s job when they claim they’re not really racist/fascist/Nazis. Can anyone tell me what the fuck it is? Three guesses.

7. Maxime Fucking Bernier. As I understand it, the long-form census questionnaire is only given to some Canadian households (one in five, to be precise), and no one holds a gun to their head forcing them to fill the entire darn thing out (although most do, simply out of a well-developed sense of civic responsibility, or, if they’re like me, because they like to be in some small way useful to science and/or StatsCan). But you’d never know it to hear Maxime “Biker Babe Bonker” Bernier tell it. To him, it’s some kind of partisan Liberal thing that “obligates” people to answer “intrusive” check-a-box questions about their ethnicity, religion, etc. Someone please inform him that the long-form questionnaire was in place even when Liberals did NOT form our federal government, and that it’s not Liberals’ (or anyone else’s) fault if the Tories find statistics inconvenient and contradictory to their hard-right aganda. And BTW, if there’s anyone who can’t be trusted with people’s personal info, it’s Maxime Bernier–a man well known for losing sensitive classified documents in all sorts of embarrassing ways.

8. Glenn Fucking Beck. He thinks he’s gonna go blind? I think he’s been there for quite some time. Certainly hasn’t been using his eyes. Well, that’s what happens when you can’t stop pulling your pud. (And he’s been a wanker for so long now that I’m sure his palms are permanently hairy, to boot.)

9. Christie Fucking Blatchford. Yes, this deals with some wankage of hers that came out a c
ouple of weeks ago. But what can we say? La Blatch is the wank that keeps on wanking. Plus, if you click on the link, you’ll see her crotchety old ass get kicked with sheer impeccable logic that’s just downright beautiful.

10. and 11. Byron Fucking Williams and Janice Fucking Williams. Isn’t it awesome to see how fascist gun nuttery and general wankitude can be passed down from mother to son, like a disease gene or something? When yer mama packs guns and bitches about the left and talks “revolution” (meaning a very minor revolt, nada más), it’s virtually inevitable that you will do the same…and then go commit a felony of unspecified nature (probably also gun-related, unless I miss my guess)…and become unemployable as a result…and then go ballistic, quite literally.

12. Rick the Fucking Speedo Freak from Hedonism II. I don’t know his surname, and maybe it’s just as well. I will never forget those rolls around his midsection. I can haz eyebleach?

13. Conrad Fucking Black. Yes, Lord Blah-Blah has been sprung. Guess he finally found a judge he could buy. Looks like the lousy prison chow at Club Fed hasn’t made a dent in his waistline, either.

14. Brian Fucking Brown. Martyr: not. Wimp: MUCH.

15. Alan Fucking Downing. Seems evangelical Christians aren’t the only ones who have not-so-ex-gay counsellors. Or problems with that banging closet door.

16. Brent Fucking Bozell. Yeah, the media DO need to cover the Shirley Sherrod story…in order to set straight what you and Andrew Fucking Breitbart deliberately fucked up, you worthless, RACIST sons of whores.

17. Erick Fucking Erickson. Why?

Yeah, that’s EXACTLY what it looks like, because that’s exactly what it IS. But hey, the fucking racist wanker at least got his wish–there is MUCH more to the Shirley Sherrod story!

18. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Whenever I think this skanky shit-weasel can’t sink any lower, he goddamn fucking DOES. Just look at all the non-stories replete with racist dog-whistles that he’s touted as “exclusives” and “scoops” and “ignored by the media” lately. Then ask yourself what it all means, if you haven’t fucking guessed already. I hope his pickled liver gives out on him, and soon…and that there’s no donor available, black or white, to save his sagging ass. Yes, he is just THAT vile. PS: What’d I tell you, he really did NOT have $100,000 to give out as a “reward” for the correspondence of Dave Weigel, either. Of course, rescinding an offer you never meant to make good on is very convenient, isn’t it, Spitefart?

19. Paul Fucking Babeu. Never mind who feels “offended” that you were on an overtly racist white-supremacist trash talk show. You’re a public official. You have NO BUSINESS being on such shows in the first place, and if you can’t properly sniff them out in advance, you have no business calling yourself a cop, either. The profession demands better investigative skills than that. Don’t just apologize “to those I might have offended”, which isn’t a real apology anyway–just fucking RESIGN!

20. Tom Fucking Vilsack. Another worse than useless dick who needs to resign. Caving to the right is for cowards and corporatists. Vilsack is both.

21. John Fucking Hinderaker. The bullshit at the link really makes me wonder why TIME magazine picked Powerwhine for its top blog of 2004. I am forced to conclude that they are all racists, fascists, dumbasses and dickweeds. Seem fair to you?

22. Ben Fucking Stein. Okay, folks, try not to laugh at the pot calling the kettle “unpleasant”. I mean, this guy was once Tricky Dick’s speechwriter. Can Ben help it if his personality is lacking in lustre, and if he thinks jobs grow on trees? He’s never had an honest one either.

23. Edwin A. Fucking Graning. Word to the not-so-wise: You weren’t fired for your religious beliefs, you were fired for FAILING TO DO YOUR JOB. And your job was driving people on a bus to wherever they want to go…even if that is an abortion clinic. If you can’t do that, you have no business driving a bus. And if you want to preach, get a fucking pulpit already.

24. Michael Fucking Reagan. See Wanker #1, and do not copy. And wipe that fucking smirk off your face, fergawdsakes!

25. Kenneth Robert Fucking Klassen. What’s more reprehensible: child-sex tourism or picking on the most emaciated ones, on purpose, because they are the most defenceless girls? No, wait, I got it…making excuses for this, claiming you couldn’t find a Canadian woman to fit your icky desires, and that you weren’t hurting anyone by possessing child porn featuring yourself with these emaciated, underage girls. In a word: BULLFUCKINGSHIT!

26. Steve Fucking Gibson. Yeah, I’d say “trolling” describes this bottom-feeder’s profession just perfectly. Of his pose in the photo (clicky da linky, kiddies, you know you wanna!) my best friend says: “It’s interesting where the troll has his hands in the promo photo that is running with the article. One hand is over his crotch, and the other looks like it’s clutching either his wallet or his keys in his pocket. Protecting the two things he treasures most?” That, or he’s secretly indicating his two biggest sources of insecurity. Same thing, no doubt.

27. Jason Fucking Kenney. Well, well, well. What have we here? A lawb
reaker? Funny how SupposiTories always campaign on lawn-order issues, only to have it come back to bite them in the end.

28. And speaking of lawn-order SupposiTories getting bitten, get a load of Tony Fucking Clement. Nuttier than a tree full of squirrels, and his rationales just don’t hold water. But then, we already knew that. Harpo likes ’em that way, because he IS that way. So, Tony, what do you and Stevie get up to on your Nixonian Friday nights, besides things that won’t make the news because the journos are already off in a pub somewhere having beer and kvetching about what asswipes you all are?

29. Stockwell Fucking Day. Has anyone ever gone to jail and suffered grievous, fascistic human rights abuses in this country for NOT filling out a census form? For that matter, has anyone seen fit to be bothered about it? And what the fuck do the Geneva Conventions have to do with this internal matter? NOTHING. But LaughingStock being so stupid (like Sgt. Schultz), of course he’d try to trot out an irrelevant example, straight off of “Hogan’s Heroes”. SupposiTories have zero shame, and zero concept of how idiotic they look (and indeed ARE).

30. Jim Fucking Webb. His opponent lost a senate seat to him because he called a brown guy “macaca”. What’s Jim’s excuse–being too polite to call someone a racist name? Of course, being a privileged white man has a way of blinding one to white man’s privilege. But just because YOU can’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. (You might get a clearer view, though, if you pulled your head out of your ass first.)

31. Fucking Queerty. So much for not having an agenda. It seems that some queers do have ’em, and this one’s against immigrants and solidarity. Shameful!

32. Sylvester Fucking Stallone. Apparently, all of Brazil takes exception to you. Brazilians are normally sweet-natured as all shucky-darn, so if you manage to piss them off to the point where they all tell you to cala boca (that’s STFU, to you), that’s quite the achievement there, muddafukka.

33. James Fucking Watt. How art thou a twat? Let us count the ways: Charging obscene prices for beer; making that beer stronger than most whiskies (which is just WRONG); serving it up in animal carcasses (roadkill, no less); and naming the entire disastrous concoction after Francis Fucking Fukuyama’s imbecilic meditation on the glories of crapitalism. That’s at least four bits of twattage right there. Five if anyone is stupid enough to buy it, and six if they’re dumb enough to take a drink.

34. Patrick Fucking O’Brien. Worst fucking jury foreman EVER. Jump to inane conclusions much? Because being at a bar dancing does NOT imply consent for some jackass to pull your top down and expose your boobs to a camera for a Girls Gone Wild video. NOTHING does. If what Jane Doe was doing implies anything, it’s that the girl just wanted to dance with her friends–preferably unmolested by horny toads and smut peddlers.

And finally, to all the global-warming deniers out there. Hot enough for you to believe in it now? Don’t worry, it’s gonna get a lot hotter. And within your lifetime, too. That’s what you get for insisting you can keep on as you’ve been keeping on. And no, air conditioning won’t save you. It’s gonna make matters worse.

Good night, and get fucked!