Conservative Politician Tips (or, How to Turn Canada Into the 51st State, Guaranteed!)

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Oh, if only their platform were this simple. Unfortunately, there’s a bit more to being a Tory politician in Canada than this. So, here’s Aunt Bina’s simplified guide to everything you need to know in order to make it as a right-wing politico today. Compiled from my tweets to #ConservativePoliticianTips, and with linkage added.

1. Always play to the xenophobe. Be particularly eager to paint immigrants as terrorists.

2. Scamming, shady sponsorship and bribery are all okay as long as you’re not Liberal, Bloc or NDP. (CK paraphrases: “Always bring up Adscam.” Good one!)

3. The liberal media is your enemy. Get your corporate buddies to set you up an all-con channel like FOX.

4. Canadians secretly crave US-style bully politics. Let no one tell you differently.

5. What’s good for the NRA is good for Canada. Or at least for YOU.

6. To catch young voters, talk a lot about Justin Bieber. Who is at least two years too young to vote.

7. Always be devious. I mean divisive. Er, I mean DECISIVE.

8. Urban = elitist, rural = oppressed by urban elitist. Never-fail formula for suckering the masses!

9. Victims of guncrime = SUPER-elitists, evil oppressors, gun-grabbing little Hitlers, etc.

10. Sweater vests will make everyone think you’re Mr. Rogers. Piano playing also an asset.

11. Four words–jet skis and wetsuits.

12. Think football–Fake libertarian, go authoritarian. That is, fake left, go right.

13. Play to petty regionalism. Screw the big picture.

14. Dangling the trinket of gun freedom will make everyone forget those fascistic G-20 arrests.

15. Always forget where you came from.

16. Whatever awful thing you do, always point the finger at the other guy and yell that he does it more. (Jymn paraphrases: “Know your weaknesses and attribute them to the other guy.” Thanks, Jymn!)

17. Mantra: “Think for yourself and FOLLOW ME!”

18. Everything old is new and hip again. Especially the Red Scare. (CK again: “Always grossly overuse the word ‘soshalism’ & make sure it’s interchangeable w/ Fascism!”)

19. Never, ever admit when you’re wrong. (Thanks again, Jymn!)

20. If female, sell out your sex; if gay, sell out LGBTs; if nonwhite, sell out your race.

21. To make it as a conservative politician, just do one thing–SELL OUT!

(And if you have anything else to add to the list, drop it in the comments slot below, please. Kthxbye.)

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6 Responses to Conservative Politician Tips (or, How to Turn Canada Into the 51st State, Guaranteed!)

  1. Jymn says:

    Holy shit, that’s funny. But scary too because it’s all true.

  2. Nolan says:

    You forgot to mention Francophone bashing, when not trying to bribe Quebec voters with a new hockey arena)

  3. Oh crap, that’s right! Falls under petty regionalism, sorta, but mon dieu que c’est un erreur…

  4. How about
    Don’t let actual data get in the way of “values-based” statements and governance.

  5. Uzza says:

    Always support Israel, no matter what.
    Really, Israel is already our 51st state. Canada will have to be #52.

Comments are closed.