Wankers of the Week: Warlocks of Whackin’-Off edition

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Crappy weekend, everybody! Watch out for the flying jizzum, it’s been one helluva week, what with “humanitarian interventions” gone predictably wrong, planes springing holes, air-traffic controllers sleeping on the job, and all that cal. You might also want to watch where you step, because the following people have been leaving all kinds of unsavory gunk all over the sidewalk:

1. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Someone please explain to him that “warlock” doesn’t mean “a magician of great supernatural powers”, or anything else grandiose that Charlie Fucking Sheen may think it means. It comes from the Anglo-Saxon words waer, meaning truth, and leogan, to lie. In other words, someone who belies the truth. It fits him, all right; he’s a liar and an oathbreaker (how many marriage vows has he violated now? Anyone keeping track?) Anyhow: How very fitting that he got booed off the stage in Detroit. I think we can soon officially close the book on this misogynous showbiz trainwreck. When someone compares Milli Vanilli favorably to you, you know you suck.

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Also, yikes!

2. Nicole Fucking Polizzi, alias “Snooki”. Another showbiz trainwreck, this one still in the making. But well on track for a smuck-up. Meanwhile, her “advice” to the Rutgers students isn’t worth taking, either–let alone spending $32,000 for. That’s $2,000 more than the brilliant Toni Morrison. WTFFF?

3. Bob Fucking Parsons. It was bad enough that he went to Africa just to shoot elephants, but to then brag about it–and when challenged, claim the locals begged him to do it? Something stinks in this whole story, and it’s not the musk of musth.

4. Terry Fucking Jones. I think his own son defined him best when he said that he and his old man were “not big debaters” and “not well educated”. “Simple people” they certainly are, and not in any good sense of the word. We’re talking “simple” as in “village idiots”. When you do something bad, knowing that the consequences are going to be worse, but you still think you’ve just gotta do it anyway, guess what? You’re a fucking idiot. And in a way, you’ve proved that your own fanaticism is just as murderous as that of some other guy on the other side of the world. These asshats really don’t care who dies in order to “prove” their “point”. They ought to be dropped from a plane over Afghanistan so that the locals can deal with them in their own way; burning books in Florida and claiming First Amendment protection is pretty fucking wussy. If they have the courage of their convictions, let them prove the point in a way that involves actually screwing it to the sticking-place. Also, book-burning is for fascists–remember?

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5. Christopher Fucking Drake. It’s easy to call yourself a “stallion” when the fillies you mount are all underage. What’s the matter, horsey-boy, afraid of a full-blooded mare? Yeah, that’s probably it. Guys who pick on pliant teenage girls, and mess with their bodies and minds, usually are.

6. Mark Fucking Latham. Funny how childless men never get slammed as “lacking empathy”. Only women who are that way by choice. Can we say “double standards”, kiddies?

7. Susan Fucking Burns. I suspect she may also be a paranoid schizophrenic (the CIA radio in the head is a dead giveaway, all of them seem to have one!), but that still doesn’t excuse the homophobia or the puritanical attempt to deface/destroy a Gauguin painting. If such things offend you, just don’t go to museums. Better still, just get over those silly old prejudices and realize that two bare-breasted Tahitian women are not gay porn. Christ!

8. Bristol Fucking Palin. Can anyone definitively say that she has NOT gotten pregnant from just listening to this dubious role model preaching abstinence? No? Then why is she being paid such an inordinately large salary to do that…and appear on Dancing With the Stars, apparently for the sole purpose of promoting her mother, who is an epic fail at everything except, of course, self-promotion?

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9. Sarah Fucking Palin. And speaking of self-promotion, there she is, Miss Wasilla. Head full of air she is, Miss Wasilla. What else could prompt her to take aim at the real lamestream media for a change, and unload on Tucker Fucking Carlson’s lame “news” site, the Daily Caller? Guess she ran out of liberal targets and is now going after the conservatives. Stalinism lives–in the Tea Party!

10. Pat Fucking Robertson. Awww, isn’t it touching? Patwa sure loves him some African dictators. Not only the one in Liberia, but the one in Ivory Coast, too! Probably because he can get all kinds of profitable deals out of them. He can’t do that in Venezuela, which is why he hates on their democratically elected president, who puts all that oil money to good use building hospitals, schools and safe houses for his people, when not flying them to Cuba for medical treatment or importing Cuban doctors and literacy teachers to help the poor. And we all know how Patwa feels about the poor–remember how he unloaded on Haiti? Bet he wouldn’t have done it if Baby Doc were still in power–then he’d be all tut-tutty about how we must pray for Baby Doc in his efforts to christianize all those poor benighted evil voodooists. Speaking of evil and voodoo, isn’t it time Patwa joined his late pal Jerry Falwell in Cthulhu’s belly? Oh hell, it’s PAST time. But still…let us pray.

11. Barry Fucking Devolin. Oh come on, SupposiTory…what are you, afraid of the so-called Liberal Media? Just because a local independent paper’s managing editor is running for the Grits? Buck up and get some spirit, and don’t be so buk-buk-buk-bawwwwwwk.

12. Cornelius Fucking McGillicuddy the Fourth. Oh look, the interferingest little fucker in the Gusano State is once again calling for the overthrow of a democratically elected foreign leader. And one whose good graces the US depends on for 10% of its oil. Some people never do clean the shit out from between their ears, do they?

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13. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Concern Troll thinks “poverty has won” because black people aren’t bothering to get married before droppin’ them some bay-beez, and that welfare is to blame. Has it ever occurred to Concern Troll that the reason no one’s bothering to get married is because no one can afford to, especially on welfare, and that goes double for birth control (and will go triple if Concern Troll’s defunding of Planned Parenthood becomes a reality)? And that the reason for that lies with crapitalism, and not the stupid moralistic shit that Concern Troll is so all-fucking concerned about? Guess Concern Troll isn’t really concerned, because basically, what he’s advocating for is a return to slavery, when black folks didn’t get married because that would stop their owners from selling them down the river. But hey, at least their welfare was taken care of by ol’ Massa–eh, Concern Troll?

14. Newt Fucking Gingrich, again. Because he loves him some Concern Troll, yes he does. Especially while schtupping the shit out of Wife #3 and God only knows who-all else. Concern Trolls make Newty so horny!

15. Glenn Fucking Beck. So sorry to hear you’re leaving the teevee, Biff. Haha, not really. In a just world, you’d never have been on teevee in the first place. Or radio, either. You would be gnawing at your restraints in the friendly state mental asylum, and that would be the end of it.

16. John Fucking Boehner. What is there to say about him and his bright orange alcohol tears but boo fucking hoo?

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17. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Guess who doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance of becoming president? Because his gubernatorial records, all of them, got melted. Just like that!

18. Bill Fucking Blair. That’s right, Toronto’s chief of thugs is going to be probing his own boys in blue in a police brutality case dating back to 2004. Nope, no potential for abuse there at all.

19. Andy Fucking Sullivan. Something’s creeping, all right, but it’s not the Sharia. It’s the illusion of it, created by wingnuts while real Muslims are more than content to abide by the existing laws of the land. And this wingnut is one of the architects of that illusion. If there are any oaths to be taken here, let them be to stop this kind of blind ignorance and paranoia from spreading like the cancer it is. Keep an eye on this creep, peeps, he’s very creepy indeed.

20. Greg Fucking Gutfield. Never mind how sexist WE are here on FUX Snooze, sez Greggy-poo–look at how bad those people over there in the Middle East are! Why don’t I get to say anything bad about Muslims here on FUX Snooze? And why are those feminists so mean to us? Waaaaaaaaaa! Quick, somebody, call that man a Waaaaambulance, because it looks like Mick Foley just handed him his ass. On FUX Snooze, no less, where they bash Muslims, and women, all the fucking time.


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21. Walid Fucking Makled. As in the case of Branko Fucking Marinkovic, I can never get over how much being a douchebag prematurely ages a man. And quel coincidence, because like Branko, Wally is a putschist trying to undermine a democratically elected president with terrorism and drug-dealing. Unfortunately for him, the current presidente of Colombia has decided to be a man of his word where Venezuela is concerned, rather than just another paid-off local narco-peon of the Empire, and is handing him over to Chavecito, not the DEA…to face the much more serious charges Venezuela is pressing against his saggy ol’ douchebag ass. So all the fuss the shitty anglo whore media and the Venezuelan oppos have been making about their hero (strange designation for a drug smuggler, no?) is coming to naught, as far as their cause is concerned. Because, quel coincidence again, putschist plots against Chavecito, like the premature aging of douchebags, just happen to work that way.

22. The nameless fucking dumbass who got took by two crookettes in Lima, Peru, where he was undoubtedly hoping to get laid a lot and take home some great brags to his college frat buddies. Instead, he’ll be taking home a hard lesson in how not to get laid in Peru. Oh yeah, and he’s a staffer from the local US embassy, too. Awwwwwkward!

23. John Fucking Kyl. To paraphrase the popular saying: You’re entitled to your own fucking opinions, as fucked up as they are. But you’re not entitled to your own fucking facts, because that’s just fucked up. BTW, John, do you fuck on the side? Because if you do, chances are that you, too, benefited from the Planned Parenthood you’re making shit up about in order to get it federally defunded. Proud of yourself, you fucker?

24. Kathy Fucking Nickolaus. Is the county clerk of Waukesha, Wisconsin a closet teabagger? Duh. How else do you suppose she’d just happen to “find” enough “uncounted” votes at the last moment to put a teabag judge (who is mega-unpopular) over the top? And that’s not all: she has her own vote-counting software, and it is, shall we say, lacking on the tech-support front, to say the least.

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25. Heather Fucking Hodges. She was booted out of Ecuador this week, for reasons good. Not only for charging that Rafael Correa had knowingly appointed a crooked chief of federal police, but–and this is interesting–for failing to explain why she said that. She was supposed to meet with foreign minister Ricardo Patiño, but she didn’t show up, claiming only that she couldn’t talk about the contents of the incriminating Wikileaks cable “because it was stolen”. I guess someone forgot all about last fall’s little failed putsch against El Ecuadorable, eh? Well, he didn’t–and neither did he forget that it was the federal police that staged it. So the insinuation that he knew the chief of the same force that tried to topple him later on was corrupt when he hired him, well–that just didn’t sit well with El Ec. Why would anyone knowingly hire a crook who’d later try to overthrow him? And if Washington knew the chief was crooked and didn’t warn him, doesn’t that kind of make them–and by logical extension, Heather Hodges, their erstwhile diplomatic emissary to Quito–well, kind of complicit in something? Yeah, now tell me that she’s not persona non grata for a damn good reason. And tell me that Washington isn’t a huge, vindictive bag of dicks for expelling the Ecuadorian ambassador, who is not complicit in any acts of treason in the US–and whose only crime is that he loyally represents a government that is far more aboveboard than anything you’d find in Washington.

26. And while we’re on the subject of vindictiveness and ejections, how about that Stephen Fucking Harper? He claims that it’s a “staff issue” that people trying to attend Tory campaign rallies (and possibly ask questions of him) are being denied access if they’re not card-carrying SupposiTories themselves? And he’s also dragging the RCMP into it? Hey Stevie Peevie, ever hear of a little thing called accountability? No, of course you haven’t. If you had, you might at least have the decency to reveal just how much the taxpayers are forking over to pay for your asinine Stalinist police-state antics. Or just how involved our troops are in torture in Afghanistan!

27. Fucking NATO. It won’t kill you guys to apologize for being so goddamn fucking stupid and out of the loop when it comes to the Libyan rebels and their troop movements–and the fact that they’re actually using captured army tanks! If you can’t do something so basic as that–or due diligence as to where who is and what they’re riding around in–you don’t deserve to be playing cop to the whole fucking world. Get out of Libya and stay the hell out–let them fight their own damn battle. You’re wasting huge sums of taxpayer money, you have zero credibility, and you’re only getting in the way anyfuckinghow.

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And finally, all the fucking Repugs in the US Congress. Trying to shut down your own government because you can’t just arbitrarily declare war on women by defunding an organization that does great work making sure they get mammograms–and they don’t need abortions? That is just fucking lower than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut. All you fuckers, teabags or not, should be recalled pronto. You’re as goddamn undemocratic as our own sorry excuse for a prime minister, who prorogued Parliament twice when he couldn’t get his dirty, undemocratic way, and whose so-called government has been found in contempt of Parliament. And he doesn’t give a rat’s ass for women, either, as is evidenced by his own habit of cutting funding to every group that ever did real good work for them. How the hell does anyone manage to hate half the human race so goddamned much and still get his good-for-nothing ass elected? I don’t know, but we’re gonna do our damnedest to kick it to the curb on May 2. We humbly suggest our brethren and sustren in the US do the same to you, and soon.

Good night, and get fucked!

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5 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Warlocks of Whackin’-Off edition

  1. Kitty says:

    Yeah, it was really convenient that she found enough votes to put Prosser over the 7,500 vote margin to avoid a state-paid recount…

    Funny, how things all work out in that hunky-dory way…I’m sure if some union member in charge of counting votes announced that he found enough votes to flip the whole debacle to Kloppenburg, those people on the right would accept it without complaint /snark

  2. Ben says:

    This wankers of the week thing is really funny and amazing, i’m really surprised its not really huge success, I think you should make a website dedicated just to these wankers of the week, and it might get a lot more hits, id tell all my friends about it at least lol.

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