Oh Canaduh…

I only heard this for the first time tonight, and DAMN, does it fit:

Yeah, hi, it’s me, just sticking my head in to announce that we screwed ourselves but good. Canadians haz Teh Stoopid, AGAIN. And this time, we have it worse than ever.

Not those of us who voted NDP, of course; the party had its best showing ever, going way over top of all predictions, and still coming in well below what they needed to send Harpo home with a flea in his ear. (Special shout-out to mes frères et soeurs in Québec — je vous aime beaucoup!) NDP voters all across Canada did good, and I’m proud to be one tonight. None of you are to blame for this mess.

And no, I’m not going to blame sincere, progressive, die-hard Liberals, either. Especially those who were willing to form a coalition. You’re good folks. You busted your asses trying to make a positive change, and I’m sorry to see you laid so low tonight. You didn’t deserve this. (Special shout-out to Frank Valeriote of Guelph, who hung in there despite a nasty Conservative dirty-tricks campaign, and prevailed. Bravo!)

I’m talking about the mere 40% of Canadians who decided to prove the scientists right tonight about the differences they found in courage and forethought between small-L liberal and small-C conservative brains. I’m talking specifically to a small minority of cowardly fucking turncoats.

Yeah, that’s right, you big-L, small-C conservative Libs who strategically voted Tory rather than see a booga-booga scary socialist win, while either you or your confederates were urging us lefties to vote strategically for Iggy. I’m talking to YOU.

You voted against Jack Layton and he only got into Stornoway, while Iggy lost even his own seat; bully for you. You moved your party to the right, thinking that’s where the centre was. You initially hoped you’d steal votes from the Tories, and instead, you gave your votes to them. Where’s the centre now? You wound up with a double yellow line painted straight down your backs, and a lingering taste of roadkill in your mouths. You wrecked your party AND your country, all in one fell swoop.

Feel good to know what your cowardice has accomplished! Because hey, you’ve really done it now. Four more years of oppression, prorogations on a whim, contempt of Parliament, Shock Doctrine, and the dismantling of all the social programs you favor. The rich will get richer, the poor will only get…children they can’t afford to feed. Oh yeah, and say goodbye to our beloved long-gun registry, too! Crime rates are gonna spiral, and you’re going to go into hock to pay for Stevie Peevie’s mega-jails. This and more is coming down on YOUR heads.

All the progress we’ve made as a nation is about to be set in reverse. Tommy Douglas, Lester Pearson and Pierre Trudeau are going to be doing a steady barrel-roll in their graves. Get set for privatization, two-tier healthcare, and more riot squads riding horses over us all. And many another fine bucket of shit that we haven’t yet seen, but that Harpo has in store for us. Oh hell, he’s got a fucking cesspit waiting for us all; bet on it! He’s already dumped his chamberpot on democracy with two successive piddling minorities, complete with prorogations and contempt of Parliament; now he’s got his long-coveted majority.

And YOU gave it to him. Are you stoked yet?

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. You can’t see past the end of your nose, so you cut it off to spite us?

Stupid move.

But what else does one expect of chickens? They always run to the political right rather than look at the facts. It’s like a fucking reflex with them. Too bad for them, then, that the facts contradict everything they say! When it comes to balancing budgets and reining in deficits, the NDP has the BEST record, and the Tories, the WORST.

Oops, there goes your “stability” and your “fiscal responsibility”, both. Feel stupid yet?

Don’t worry, you will.

When your old-age pension gets cut and your income taxes and living expenses get hiked, while corporations get big tax breaks and federal bailouts, while we little folks who still pay taxes all get saddled with fake lakes and engineless fighter jets we will never use, you will feel foolish.

When your children and grandchildren go into debt to pay for all those corporate tax breaks, fake lakes, and engineless jets, you will feel foolish.

When the pork-barrel cheques with the big blue Cs stop flowing to your dinky little impoverished ridings out in the Maritimes, you will feel foolish.

When the economy grinds to a halt despite all the SupposiTory flapping and crowing, you will feel damn foolish.

When all the upcycled Harrisites who ruined Ontario under two successive majorities do it to the rest of Canada, those of you who voted them out on the provincial level for the sake of Dalton McWimpy, and then voted them IN on a federal level, AND handed Harpo (who is Mike Harris on steroids) this majority, well — you will feel mighty damn foolish. Because you ARE.

Oh Canaduh. You look so stupid and pathetic without your nose. And just look what you stepped in — because with no nose, you couldn’t even smell it anymore! But you sure will prove Harpo right when he said you wouldn’t recognize yourself when HE got through with you. I don’t recognize you anymore as it is.