Oh holy fucking shit, here comes Jeebus to kill us all!!!!1111onethousandeleventyone!!!!
Hey, wait a minute…if I was able to post this, and you are able to read it, I guess we’ve just had ourselves yet another false alarm and Great Disappointment. Which means I won’t be punished by God for listing wankers yet again this week, cussing up a blue storm as usual. The world is still turning, and we’re still with it. Hallelujah! We are SAVED! So here we go again, in no particular order:
1. Ariel Fucking Torres Fucking Ortega. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how badly you’d have to get it in the head to call gay people “worthy [of] death”. Look…I don’t care if there’s a goddamned “Reverend” in front of your name. Anyone who calls for death to anyone else is full of holy shit, and is only speaking for the devil.
2. Ron Fucking Paul. Hey, don’t look to those you elected to help you, good people along the mighty Mississippi, no matter how much you pay them in taxes and are entitled to get back out of your contributions. Ron Fucking Paul says you should kiss that money goodbye, not trust the government, and just build your own damn levees like good Amurrican patriots. Which begs the question: Why the fuck does the United States even still HAVE a government, and why the hell is HE still in it?
3. Jeffrey Fucking Wiesenfeld. Apparently, anyone who thinks Palestinians deserve to have their basic human rights respected is a “deeply unhappy person” who needs medicating to make them happy-happy-happy again. CUNY may be asking itself right now why this nasty (and obviously much more unhappy) little man is still sitting on their board of trustees; if not, something is wrong with THEM.
4. Tim Fucking Hudak. It really will be the end of the world as we know it in Ontario if this Harrisite Parasite of a SupposiTory ever makes it to the Premier’s chair in the Ontario Legislature. He is so rabidly, ideologically anti-environmentalist that he will even throw his party’s own star local candidates under the gas-guzzling bus. Voters, remember: ABC — ANYTHING BUT CONSERVATIVE!
5. Donald Fucking Trump. Oh noes, the Man With No Forehead has called off his fake run for president! Now who will the Repugs field? Between him and Mike Fucking Huckabee’s fuckup of last week (and cosmic proportions), the slate of joke candidates is starting to get awfully thin, and the comedians are crying in their soup. Well, thank God, then, for Newty and his Stepford Wife. Who don’t have a snowball’s chance at the White House either, to tell you the gods’ honest truth. But they WILL be good for shits ‘n’ giggles in the meantime.
6. And hey, speaking of shits ‘n’ giggles, how about that Newt Fucking Gingrich? Yeah, that rehash of the racist Reaganite schtick, the big black Welfare Queen in her Cadillac (bought with food stamps, no less), will never get old. And, oh yeah: Fancy him calling Obama the “food stamp president” when he has such huge unpaid bills at Tiffany’s, of all places? I think I hear the comedians putting their hankies away already.
7. Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger. Der Gropenführer has a “love” child? Heh…more like a “schtupping the help” child. It’s kind of hard to imagine what passes between an underling and a boss as being love, you see; unequal footings are so unromantic. Especially if the boss is known for his propensity to grab and grope any female within reach. But, to be honest, this wouldn’t be a cause for public outcry if he weren’t also so fucking hypocritical about single mothers, seeing as he made one himself right around the time he spouted off about the purported evils of single-parent families (and probably cutting their welfare benefits as well). PS: Oh, Ahnie. You shouldn’t have said those other things, either. Really!
8. Bernard-Henri Fucking Lévy. My gosh. He actually took time out from his exhausting schedule of defending Israeli war criminals to defend his buddy, Dominique Strauss-Kahn…an accused sex criminal. It would be rather touching if it weren’t so fucking sickening and grotesque.
9. James Fucking Frey. This pathological liar and bogus memoirist has had his fifteen minutes. Oprah doesn’t owe him anything more, except a high-heeled shoeprint on his ass.
10. Scott Fucking Walker. Somehow, it doesn’t surprise me to learn that among all the other horrible things this teabagging wanker is, he is also a heavy-handed homophobe who can’t let compassion filter in through even the tiniest little crack. The sooner the people of Wisconsin vote to recall him, the better. After all, one Wisconsinite in every ten is gay, and those queer folks would appreciate the right to visit their partner in hospital, the same as the other nine out of ten.
11. Rubén Fucking Díaz. I don’t know what you’d call somebody who’d deny equal rights to his own granddaughter, but I’d call him fucked in the head. If your granddaughter is gay and you “hate” that because it’s a “sin”, you do NOT “love the sinner”. Nor do you love or believe in the God who made her gay. You’re just a professional hatemonger whose lack of human compassion for those nearest to him is gonna come back to bite him. As it did when Rubén’s granddaughter Erica appeared at a counterdemo against him.
12. Bernard Fucking Coulombe. Riddle me this: Whose fault is it if an asbestos-industry exec doesn’t recognize the name of Jon Stewart, who is only the most famous comedian on TV nowadays? And whose schtick is fake news reporting that’s honester, funnier and better than the “real” thing? Oh yeah, that’s right…it’s the comedian’s fault! Of course. Just as it’s the comedian’s fault that the asbestos-monger doesn’t have a fucking sense of humor.
13. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. Yes, again. Proof positive that even raving paranoia is no match for Teh Stoopid. Let’s face it, if he really smelled a honey trap, wouldn’t you think he’d learn to keep his fucking paws out of the bee tree? But noooooo, he just had to go there and jump into it with all fours. And yes, sometimes an alleged sexual assault really is that, and not a set-up OR a “seduction”…especially if you’re a schmuck with a long history of trying to rip unwilling women’s clothes off. I’d say that all this talk of honey traps is actually his lame way of covering up the scandals he knew were going to come back to haunt him once he declared his candidacy.
14. John Fucking Cummins. First he makes a flagrantly homophobic remark, then he makes a non-apology apology in which he accuses those who got angry at him of “misreading” what he said, which was, and I quote: “I’m not a scientist but some of the research tells me that there’s more of an indication that that’s a choice issue.” I don’t know what “research” he’s referring to, but it’s safe to say it’s NOT scientific. All the actual scientific research out there on sexual orientation says it is not a “choice issue” at all; you are born with it. And to have a sexual orientation that is inborn but much discriminated against NOT protected by our human rights code is like giving the green light to murder.
15. Erik Fucking Prince. Thanks to him, Dubai (a.k.a. the world’s fanciest open sewer) is gonna have its own French Foreign Legion. Only it won’t be French, and it will be all mercenaries, death squads, and repressors, accountable to no one. And hugely, obscenely expensive, too. Yay!!!
16. Stephen Fucking Harper. Yes, he’s at it again, folks — packing the Senate with Tories whom no one would elect. Three in just this past week. Look for more wanks like this the closer he gets to needing legislation passed that meets with massive public disapproval. This is what tyranny looks like. And that’s not all: Harpo is so flagrantly hateful of the environment and human health, he’ll even make an MP from the riding housing Canada’s only remaining asbestos mine into his industry minister. Asbestos is unpopular here and around the world, but Harpo would rather pander to that industry than heed the voices of the people. Hang your heads, my fellow Canadians, and get used to it — cringing shame will be our go-to posture for the next four fucking years.
17. Harold Fucking Camping. Riddle me this: If gays are to blame for the end of the world, why are we all still here? (And no, “miscalculation” is not the correct answer.) I fully expect that we will next hear that he has been caught trawling the Castro District of San Francisco, in a state of Great Disappointment.
18. Ben Fucking Stein. Oh great, another fucking Strauss-Kahn apologist. Why am I not fucking surprised? Oh, and he hates hotel maids. That explains everything. And his idea that economists never commit violent crimes? Full of shit. But then, the IMF itself is a knee-capping, labor-whacking mafia, and some of us knew that. Ben Fucking Stein, obviously, did not.
19. John Fucking Bolton. Guess who’s still thinking of maybe running for prez of the US next year? Or, in other words: Guess who’s still definitely gonna lose to that black dude from Hawaii?
20. Geoffrey Fucking Alderman. Anyone who takes pleasure in an innocent person’s death is a hideous beast in human clothing. Anyone who takes pleasure in the death of a peaceful activist like Vittorio Arrigoni (who was certainly NOT a “consummate Jew-hater”), or says it gave him even more pleasure than the assassination of Osama bin Laden, should be stripped of his job, which happens to be writing drivel and dreck for that horrid right-wing rag, the Jewish Chronicle. Lucky for him, then, that he’s got another monster in the form of Stephen Fucking Pollard to defend his drivel and dreck. Because if I’d my druthers, he’d never write another word. Vittorio Arrigoni’s motto was “Stay Human”. And by taking pleasure in his death, Alderman has just shown the entire world that he is a consummate human-hater.
21. Rob Fucking Ford. Yeah, he went ahead and privatized garbage collection in Toronto. Don’t anyone kid themselves that saving money had fuck-all to do with it, though; this is about public-sector decimation and union busting, and will ultimately save nothing. Next chapter in the saga: Hefty sack of shit otherwise known as the mayor gets kicked to the curb.
22. Neil Fucking Macdonald. How the hell does he know that Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been “ruined”? Considering how much support, justified or not, he’s getting from across the pond as well as over here, I’d say his reputation is far from tattered. For all we know, he might well be acquitted, and go on to even higher offices. It is the luck of the rich and powerful to fall up more often than not, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this happened to DSK, too. To claim so prematurely that he has suffered a “great injustice” is as silly as stating that he has already been found not guilty on all charges. It also makes anyone who claims it look like a rape apologist, as well as one who unduly favors the privileged. Grouping him with an innocent but not prominent man whose reputation was ruined by a false rape charge isn’t exactly helpful, either; I suspect we are dealing with two very different creatures here.
23. Ted Fucking Nugent. If you’re really cool with gays, then “man on man sex” shouldn’t bother you either. And if it does, the solution to your problem is very simple: DON’T DO IT, AND DON’T WATCH ANYONE ELSE DOING IT, EITHER! And above all, don’t go babbling bullshit about it on national TV. The overwhelming majority of us are repulsed by that, especially coming from a warmonger who sat in his own shit for over a month to dodge the draft. Nugent’s opinions hold about as much water as a rusty sieve, and of the two, I’d trust the sieve more.
24. Lars Von Fucking Trier. Look, I’m German too…but you will NEVER hear me speaking with pride of the Nazi era. That was the most barbaric chapter in our history, even including the Fucking Holy Roman Empire and all those fucking witch-persecutions. He claims it was a joke, but for it to be that, it would have had to be funny. It wasn’t. It was horrifying. Kirsten Dunst looked like she wanted to kill him, and who could blame her? I’d be shoving my shoes in his mouth just to stop the nonsensical fucking babbling.
25. Satoshi Fucking Kanazawa. While we’re on the subject of nonsensical fucking Nazi babbling, how about this one? First, he uses evolutionary psychology as a platform for his own flagrant sexism, and to attack feminism; now, he uses it as a “scientific” platform for his own flagrant racism, and to attack black women in particular. Someone who should have been out of a job long ago may finally end up on the unemployment line now. Sign the petition to make sure he lands there, ‘kay?
26. Riccardo Fucking Seppia. Yay, another kiddie-diddling priest. This one, just to spice things up, procured the kids through his ex-seminarian boyfriend…and fed them cocaine for their favors. Lovely!
27. Kerry Fucking Campbell. Or Sheena Fucking Upton. Or whatever her fucking name is. You know, that mom who claimed to be injecting her daughter regularly with illicitly-obtained Botox so little Brittany (if indeed that’s her name) could look wrinkle-free for beauty pageants? That story keeps mutating almost as fast as the death of Osama bin Laden. Any way you slice it, though, she sounds to me like one hell of an unfit mother. And that little girl, if she’s real, is lucky to be out of her hands; her face could’ve ended up a molten mess before she even turned 18. (Her mind, sadly, likewise.)
28. Rick Fucking Perry. Thanks, Gubnor Goodhair, for signing the Anti-Choice Re-Rape Bill into law. Now women can get violated twice: Once during the sexual assault proper, and again during the Fucking Government of Texas’s mawkish attempt to dissuade them from evicting its unwanted results from their bodies. Because that’s what happens when you get a first trimester sonogram as part of the requirements of “informed consent” on abortion: You get an ultrasound wand stuffed up your vagina so that you’ll be moved to tears (and a change of mind) by the sight of the “baby”. And if you refuse to comply, you’ll get branded a criminal and a murderer, whether you are the doctor or the patient. Isn’t that just so fucking special?
29. Bradlee Fucking Dean. Excuse me, but who is a hate-mongering death-metal preacher to decide who gets to be a Christian and who doesn’t? This one embarrassed the state legislature of Minnesota really fucking badly by giving an abominable opening prayer. He can get raptured, for all I care, but not by Jesus. We’re talking Evil Cousin Lucy material here, folks. And in the meantime, the best way to get right with God is to get religion…out of the halls of government.
30. Karlton Fucking Johnson. Repeat after me, kiddies: It is not a principal’s job to inform the parents of students that their children are gay. The kids can do that themselves. Let’s hear it now…very good. Now, a bit louder, so Mr. Johnson can hear it. This is a lesson they didn’t teach HIM at school.
And finally, to all those stupid, stupid fucking fools who really believed all this rapturist crap. (Let’s just call them the Fucking Crapturists.) WHAT THE HOLY FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK WERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING? And don’t you feel foolish now that it’s all over, and you’re still all alive and well, and nobody’s been fucking raptured? What does it take to get it through your skulls, anyway, that neither God nor the Universe works this way? That it’s impossible, and that that’s a good thing? Why is it so hard to accept that life goes on, and that your real duty here on Earth isn’t to preach but to practice? Jesus, please, if you are real, I only ask one thing of you: Save me from these fucking nerds in your fan club.
Good night, and get fucked!