Wankers of the Week: Rolling Blunder, and other tours de farce

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Crappy June, everyone! Are you enjoying the weather? And say, how about that rolling thunder? You’ll be hearing a lot more of it, due to global warming. (Thunderstorms and violent weather are, after all, heat-driven.) Know who else is generating a lot of hot air to no purpose? These wankers, that’s who…

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. Is she running or what? Who knows? And more to the point: Who fucking cares? She is no Queen Esther, no matter how much she preens herself as such. About all she is, is a publicity harlot at this stage of the game. She has no platform; all she’s doing is pimping herself. No critical media interviews, nothing that could possibly nail her down on policy issues (because we all know how THAT went over last time anyone asked her a pertinent question there); no, it’s gonna be all crapaganda about Screech and her self-righteous faith and fucked-up family and bogus patriotism, all the fucking time. Oh yeah, and more “notes” written in the palm of her hand. Seriousness, thy name is not Sarah. PS: That “love the smell of emissions” bit is gonna be vintage Screech by this time next year, I predict. Who the fuck likes the smell of gasoline fumes but a person who probably huffs good ol’-fashioned aerosol hairspray in her spare time? PS: Speaking of hairspray-huffing, PAUL REVERE.

2. Paul Fucking Broun. Whenever I hear someone bitching about something “politically correct” or “political correctness”, I know I’m hearing a dog whistle for a cowardly, weaselly something which is sexist, racist, homophobic or religiously bigoted. When you hear Paul Fucking Broun refer to a man in “Arabian attire” as a “real terrorist”, that’s surely a dog whistle for at least two of those four bigotries, no?

3. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Srsly, people, this is not a real scandal (except, perhaps, when it comes to Bitefart’s incessant fauxtrage and other assorted schmuckery being taken seriously, which IS scandalous), and it does not deserve to become news! (Plus, stupid shit like this makes me nervous of tweeting things like “¡Te amo Chavecito!” or “Evo, eres mi novio”. Nobody should be afraid to joke about her famous fake boyfriends!) PS: What Jon Stewart (who has been friends with the congresscritter since college) said.

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4. The Fucking Toronto Sun. Not that I would put anything past a Conservative, but what’s with the crap journalism? George Lepp didn’t take a “pocket picture” of his naked penis (and crossed legs, an impossibility in any normal pair of pants!), he was pick-pocketed! Some jackass stole his Blackberry from his pants pocket, took a picture of his own naked penis (and crossed legs, sans pants) and posted it to Lepp’s account. Maybe it’s the same wiener who tried to frame Anthony Weiner. Who knows? All I know is that right-wing rags (and webturds like Breitbart and Drudge) can’t do journalism for shit.

5. John Fucking Baird. Oh look, Squealer wants Gaza aid to go through “established channels”. Um, Squealer — WHAT FUCKING “ESTABLISHED CHANNELS”? The only ones still in existence, assuming Israel hasn’t dynamited them yet, are the cross-border tunnels dug by Hamas to keep the Gazans from starving to fucking death!

6. Clarence Fucking Thomas. Oh, so THIS is why “Weinergate” was faked up. Seems that Rep. Weiner was after the not-so-honorable Judge Skirtchaser to disclose some financial dealings and recuse himself from something or other on the grounds of conflict of interest stemming from his being married to a harlot of the anti-healthcare-reform lobby. Suddenly, all the fauxtrage makes SO much more sense!

7. Pamela Fucking Geller. Who would defend a monster like Ratko Mladic, the Butcher of Bosnia, whose murder toll is more than double that of Osama bin Laden? Who but a fellow genocidal maniac. Namely Pammy the Randroid, who never met a Muslim-hating fascist she couldn’t endorse. Oh yeah, and she calls Harpo, of all people, “The Leader of the Free World”! Whatever’s eating her brains, I hope it finishes the job soon and puts her out of her caterwauling misery.

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8. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Speaking of caterwauling misery and fascist idiocy, how about him? Yeah, that’s right, he’s projecting his own fascism on the gays again. At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before he’s found with a naked boy under his pulpit. BTW, Adolf Hitler had no trouble finding straight soldiers “to be savage and brutal and vicious enough to carry out his orders” — especially on the Night of the Long Knives, when at least one prominent gay Nazi (Ernst Röhm, Hitler’s chief rival for the Nazi leadership) got purged from the party in the most murderous fashion.

9. And speaking of anti-gay Nazis, how about Pat Fucking Robertson? Yes, Patwa has resorted to that bad analogy, too. How original these religiofascists all are. Isn’t it time a hurricane came and ate them all?

10. And finally, to round out the unholy trinity of the ‘phobes, there’s Peter Fucking Heck, who just can’t conceive how it’s possible to be attracted to members of one’s own sex and actually fall in love with him. To him, Don Lemon’s coming-out was nothing but a declaration of “enjoying homosexual acts”. Never mind that Lemon never said a word about that. Being gay has nothing to do with love, to those who don’t know what love is themselves; it’s all about Teh Buttsecks, didn’t you know?

11. Chris Fucking Christie. The balanced-budget talk, like showing up to his kid’s game in a helicopter, is all fucking show. Pay back the enormous amount this silly stunt cost the public purse? Hell no! You just don’t get a fiscal conservative without a whackload of hypocrisy, after all; that’s where the “balance” comes in. They balance all their big talk with zero walk. Presto! Budget magic!

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12. David Fucking Bushby. What are you in, kindergarten? No, you’re in the Australian parliament. And your childish antics and non-apology apologies should get you thrown out of there and into a dog pound.

13. Brenda Fucking Carnahan. Thanks to this “compassionate” anti-choice busybody, a mother of three who couldn’t afford a legal abortion is now facing criminal charges…and a fine she certainly won’t be able to afford, any more than she could afford to do what little the law allowed her in a situation of one more mouth she couldn’t afford to feed. Satisfied, you fucking concern troll?

14. V.S. Fucking Naipaul. Y’know, I don’t think I want to be the literary “equal” of such an insufferable, sexist, egotistical twit. In fact, I think I’d prefer to be better, as a person if not also as a writer. When even his own friends are forced to admit they were too nice in their scathing memoirs about him, what does that say about the person, never mind the writer? PS: Characterizing Jane Austen as “sentimental” is definitely fucked, too; Austen was quite unsparing about the mores of her times, her social milieu, and even her heroes and heroines. Perhaps he should try READING her, eh?

15. Rand Fucking Paul. Yet again, his not-so-subtle racism rears its warty little head. Hey, I have a terrific idea: Maybe the government should start tracking all so-called libertarians who’ve aired views that are sexist, racist and/or homophobic. They might stand a better chance of catching some real terrorists — or, at least, real hatemongers — that way.

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16. Julia Fucking Moreno. How’s this for fucked? Her husband admits to raping a drunken woman he was supposed to be safely escorting home, and gets wrongfully acquitted of it, but she hates the woman? WTF? Shouldn’t it be her cheating, raping husband, who takes advantage of the helpless and incapacitated just because he fucking CAN? Maybe she really hates the woman for reminding her that she married the wrong man.

17. Tim Fucking Hudak, again. Look, you Harrisite Parasites, Ontario doesn’t want your fucking “Changebook” (which is a dorky name for a recycled Common Nonsense Devolution platform, BTW). Bring back Bill Davis and the Red Tories, alive and well, or no election for YOU!

18. Lanny Fucking Davis, again. Was ever the phrase “liberal Democrat” bent more wildly out of shape, to the point where it’s practically a swearword? Because whenever HE says it, you can be sure that the next thing to plop out of his piehole will be a steaming brown lump of pure, BushCo-style fascism. And the Salon article hasn’t even touched on his support for the fascist coup in Honduras, either!

19. John Fucking Edwards. How embarrassing that I used to like this guy, back when he fought for the little guy against Corporate Amurrica. Well, no longer. He took massive “campaign” donations from a wealthy donor to keep his hanky-panky with Rielle Fucking Hunter, and the resulting out-of-wedlock child, hidden (and, undoubtedly, in a manner to which no one should become accustomed). That’s NOT what a real populist would do! SHAME!

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20. Henry Fucking Kissinger. Oh joy, Tricky Dick Nixon’s fixer was in Toronto recently to give a lecture. On what? On how to be a known war criminal and yet somehow magically avoid being nabbed and sent to The Hague while visiting a country that IS a member of the International Criminal Tribunal. Whatever else?

21. Michael Fucking Coren. Yippee-ti-yi-yo-cowpatties, another chronically cranky right-wing asshat who’s peeved at the arrest of the Butcher of Bosnia. Perhaps the reasons for Ratko Mladic’s arrest would not sound so “shameful” to Mr. Coren if, say, the word “Jew” were substituted for “Muslim” in the description of Mladic’s victims, eh?

22. Ezra Fucking Levant. Oh noes, there are IRANIANS in Canada! Someone please remind the Pantloading Putz that Iranian civilization goes back much further than ours, and that after the United States and Israel, Iran has the largest Jewish population in the world. Larger than Canada’s, even. Shocking, I know! Almost as shocking as the notion that ohmyGAWD, there are IRANIANS in CANADA!!! (And if you’re going to go on about propaganda at the National Arts Centre, Putz, you should be protesting AGAINST the recent appearance there by Geert Fucking Wilders, who came ONLY to spread his genocidal, islamophobic crapaganda far and wide. And if you’re not, take my advice to #21 and play the Name Substitution Game to see why it’s wrong to stand with fascists, even if you personally share their prejudices.)

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23. Vicky Fucking Hartzler. Ho hum, yet another tired argument against same-sex marriage — again, because it “could lead to” all sorts of things it actually doesn’t lead to, and hasn’t led to, everywhere it’s become legal, including here in Canada…where you can’t marry your blood relatives, your pet or someone under the age of consent (which is not the case in the United States, where fundie-Mormon polygamists do that last one all the time, illegally). Isn’t it time that tired argument were laid to rest?

24. Ryan Fucking LeVin. The only thing more despicable than for a “millionaire playboy”, as he was not unfairly characterized, to drunkenly jump a curb with his Porsche and kill two British tourists, is for him to get off lightly just because he’s rich. Which he has tried to do. Which, of course, makes him one helluva wanker.

25. Mike Fucking Stack. Another cyberbully who likes to harass women, especially those who happen to follow Anthony Weiner on the tweeter. It’s possible that “Dan Wolfe” (or Dan Fucking Wolfe), who also harassed Genette Cordova, is actually a sockpuppet of his, since both have checkered legal pasts where their female companionship is concerned. (Hello, domestic violence!) This one’s especially worth listing, though, for his overt fixation on porn (whatsamatter, Mikey, afraid of real women laughing and pointing at your own widdle weenie? I bet that’s it!) And his empty bullshit threats (yeah, sure you, a two-time bankruptcy filer, have an elite corporate cyber-army at your disposal. My imaginary army is bigger than yours, asshole.) And for his silly fixation on a congresscritter who, obviously, is far more attractive to the ladies. (Clicky the linky, people, and you’ll see just what I mean. Ain’t he a prize?)

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And finally, to all you asshats out there bitching about Brigette DePape’s peaceful, perfectly legal protest yesterday at the Throne Speech. Oh, spare me the “what if it was a bomb” bullshit. If it had been a bomb, there would have been an explosion, and real damage would have been done. As it is, all she did was serve notice that the majority of Canadians did not elect the Harper Government™, which is true…and also that he was found in contempt of Parliament, which he was. By all rights he should have been disqualified from seeking any further elected office, including that of dogcatcher. His entire party should have been disbanded and stripped of status. Instead, he’s squatting in the House of Commons once more, plotting to do even more damage than he already has (which is considerable). And you fuckheads want to bawl about how “tradition” has been “broken” and this is some kind of unpardonable sin? Some traditions (like plutocracy, autocracy and cronyism, all of them Harper Government™ traditions of long standing) deserve to be broken when there is a greater good at stake. Which there most certainly is, here. And when someone who is in contempt of Parliament gets re-elected with an undeserved majority by cowardly idiots who stand on “tradition”, I’d say it’s high time someone pointed out the emperor’s unattractive nudity.

Well, not to worry, cowards. Brigette will go on to much and many better things than being a white-gloved dogsbody for some antiquated, unelected relic of a senator. Of that I have no doubt. But the rest of you? Doomed to lick boots for whatever is left of your miserable, apathetic lives.

Good night, and get fucked!

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7 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Rolling Blunder, and other tours de farce

  1. Beijing York says:

    I was so hoping you would include freaking Evan Solomon on this week’s list, Sabina. His coverage of Brigette DePape was idiotic and disgusting.

    Is it just me or has he actually devolved into a Harper Government spin hack these past many years. I remember kind of liking him on that literary show he used to do on Newsworld.

    • Sabina Becker says:

      I think he’s always been a twit. His coverage of Venezuela gave that away. Frankly, all of CBC has been disgusting about Brigette DePape — “Oh no how DARE she!” Um, people? It’s a democracy. These same politicians who insist on decorum at the Throne Speech are the ones who rip each other’s ass nine ways till Friday during Question Period! They do a lot of unproductive yakking while she silently stands up with a stop sign to remind us that we didn’t vote for this crap. Presumably our troops are dying for her right to do this, in Afghanistan. Show some fucking respect!

  2. Slave Revolt says:

    I saw Edwards as a weak, fake-ass all along–the ten million dollar mansion tipped me off from the beginng.

    But, hey, I am weird, I see the space shuttle as a ecocidal phallic projectile, a metaphor for what Westerm imperialism and depraved patriarchy what to do to the rest of the universe.

    White penis-like projectile firing off on a mission to conquer the universe–no, this is not a good thing kids.

    Maybe we could but Edwards on the penis-into-space mission, a one way flight.

    Scratch that, these flights cause considerable ecological havoc every time they blast off in this area. But the sheeple so do like to ooh-and-aaah as they send the penis to the heavens. (Don’t the Christians worry that the penis might hit heaven and destroy the gold streets?)

    • Sabina Becker says:

      The irony is, the shuttle flights are nothing compared to the cumulative damage done by those other flying penises, the jet planes. We didn’t get a reprieve from the toxic jet fuel vapors until the week after 9-11, when NOTHING flew. Scientists were finally able to study cloud formation as it occurs in nature, without human interference; can you believe that? We’ve been living under an unnatural cloud cover for decades. Jet contrails lead to changes in cloud formation that may be behind global dimming, and impeding Earth’s ability to shed the heat that’s leading to global warming. That is serious ecological damage right there.

      Now, for some perspective: The shuttle’s exhaust, believe it or not, is only water vapor; the fuel tanks contain hydrogen and oxygen. Components of good ol’ H2O! But jet fuel? Glorified kerosene. The smell from that alone could send you into outer space. The kooks who yatter on about the “chemtrails” and think it’s a conspiracy to thin us out, are actually talking only about contrails, which have no nefarious intent behind them. But they are right about one thing: that shit is poisoning our atmosphere. (And, again: see global dimming, global warming, etc. — indiscriminate killers that will destroy the rich along with the poor. Still want that LearJet, Mr. Trump?)

      But don’t mind me, I get your point. Fewer flying cocks and more down-to-Earth wisdom never killed anyone. We need more of the stuff that doesn’t kill people, and much, much less of the stuff that does. On that, we definitely agree!

  3. Slave Revolt says:

    Bina, please, don’t deprive me of the one thing everybody in these parts likes, that I get to hate on and be seen as a crank.

    Please, have some respect for a slave’s hate.

    Anyway, indeed, the jets pollute and suck too.. That why I only fly once every ten years or so. I should walkl–or, better, sail down to Central America. It would be far more fun and awesome.

    Swamped down here. Keep it going on–so few sane minds think’n out there.

  4. Slave Revolt says:

    Bina, does my antipathy for the white penis into space…err, the space shuttle, so place me outside the norms of civilized discourse that I get no sympathy or solidarity for my hate? I don’t “hate” people, but Ican hate-on “things”, like plastic bags and parking lots without trees?

    So, I saw the shuttle blast off whilst trudging in the swamps, close to the St. Johns River, I noted the perturbation amonst the animals, right at daybreak.

    The swamp, the trees, plants, insects, animals–they are cooler than the shuttle.

    When I see the flaming shuttle, I remember the impact on the swamp, the unease. Indelibly sketched on my psyche and soul. Deep, muck deep.

  5. Simon says:

    In defence of the shuttle, despite its flaming fartlyness, and all the work it’s done for the Pentagon…
    At least its engines only burn for a few minutes, it glides back to earth, it has helped assemble a lot of very useful scientific info that has helped ordinary people like farmers.
    And most importantly, it has allowed us to see the world from a distance. We need all the pictures of that little blue ball we can get, to remind us how fragile we are, that we need a global revolution. And that if we don’t work together we will be destroyed together.
    Yup. All things considered I’m going to miss that flaming candle…

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