Wankers of the Week: Oslo Burning edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a special shout-out to my dear readers in Norway, which is the 20th most-frequent country of origin for visits here, according to my ClustrMap. Damn, it really IS a crappy weekend for you folks, isn’t it? Oslo looks eerily like Oklahoma City right now. I couldn’t be sadder or more disgusted about it. The only words of Norwegian I know are “Yeg elsker deg”, which I mean from the bottom of my heart. Hugs to everyone who’s hurting in Norway tonight; consider this a message of solidarity from Canada. This post is hereby dedicated to you.

Here we go with the wankers; the list is shorter this week because I’ve been nursing a strep infection and diarrhea in the midst of a horrible heatwave. (I should start a leftist punk band called “Strep Sinusitis and the Trots”. Catchy, no?) Nevertheless, I think you’ll agree that this is a solid concentration of wank:

1. Jason Fucking Kenney. I bet it gives this little putz a big ol’ hard-on to strip new Canadians of their citizenship by the thousands. And I bet it gives racist yahoos quite the chub, too. But here’s the thing: If their citizenship is the result of finagling by fraudulent “immigration consultants”, shouldn’t the government be going after THOSE, instead of just the people who got suckered by those overpriced shysters? Too counterintuitive for ya, Jason?

2. Rob Fucking Ford. Perhaps he should start spelling his last name F-R-O-D (I know I do, and not by mistake, either), because that’s what he’s full of. Just like Wanker #1, who is his ideological soulmate.

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3. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The Pigman is always and forever a wanker. But especially now, in the dog days of the silly season, for even suggesting that this heat wave is a government conspiracy. Yeah, Rush, it totally is: it’s the product of government, in a conspiracy to bow down to Big Polluting Business — and never EVER do a thing about greenhouse-gas emissions!

4. Sarah Fucking Palin. Six years of dilettantish college-hopping (for reasons unknown) do not a journalism degree make. Nor does that qualify an airhead like Sawah to pronounce on the lack of “balance” and “truth” in the media, which she keeps bashing as “lamestream” because it doesn’t constantly bow and scrape to flatter her. And now she wants to “help” them? The last thing they need is HER “help”, which will do nothing but make them even more irrelevant and ridiculous than they already are…for paying so much attention to her in the first place.

5. James O’Fucking Keefe. Yep, he’s released another lame “gotcha” video, in which nobody’s getting got — except maybe himself. This time, he posed as an IRA terrorist. But for someone with an Irish surname, he sure gets the national characteristics hilariously wrong. Since when do Irishmen wear Scottish tartan kilts? (And what’s that on his sporran, a Shih Tzu?) And above all, why would he identify himself as a member of the IRA, which hasn’t committed a real terrorist act in years? The real thing would never do that unless they had a gun, not a camera, pointing at your head. Perhaps the best soundtrack for this latest farce would be “Donald, Where’s Yer Troosers?”

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6. Wendi Fucking Deng. Next time someone throws a pie at your sugar daddy, lay off, bitch. He’s responsible for endless corruption of the politicos on both sides of the Atlantic, a fascist bent in the already conservative mainstream media, thousands of privacy invasions and two suspicious deaths so far. A pie is the very least of the indignities he’s got coming.

7 and 8. Courtney Fucking Stodden and Doug Fucking Hutchison. Ew. Ew. Fucking EW. Too. Much. Fucking. INFORMATION. Shut UP, both of you! It’s gross enough that you two sleazeballs got married. We do NOT want a “reality” show out of you — you both already look too much like something from the porn netherworld! Just, both of you, fade back into the grotty obscurity from whence you came. Ugh.

9. Allen Fucking West. Not a fucking Gentleman. That is all.

10. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. I’ve never had sex while blasted out of my mind, if only because I can’t get that much alcohol down. (I’m German. We hold our liquor extremely well.) My booze-o-meter never gets past “slightly tipsy”. I can’t imagine being so wasted that I’d have to pee in a stairwell, or vomit in a bush, or pass out in the middle of the road, or anything like that. And I’ve never been a victim of the infamous Beer Goggles, either (thankfully!). But even assuming I could get that drunk (or stoned, come to that), there is no fucking way I’d ever do it with him, much less unprotected. And there is no fucking way I’d be so stupid as to buy his “drunk sluts don’t deserve protection” arguments against free morning-after birth-control pills, either.

11. The Fucking Times of London. Why?

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That’s why. Nobody is ignoring the African famine just to chase the Murdoch hacking scandal. There is room for both on the pages of any responsible media outlet, and only an utterly irresponsible one would suggest otherwise. For this reason, it is now time to boycott the Times as well — they, too, are a Murdoch rag, and they’ve gotten downright sickening under him. For all we know, they too have benefited materially from the hacking scandal. Just imagine what’s going to happen if/when THAT gets out…and if it also happens to have a connection to the African famine, it deserves to be one of the biggest scandals of all time.

12. George Fucking Bronk. If anyone wonders what I’ve got against sexting, this guy’s behavior should provide a lot of clues as to its hidden dangers. What he did is much worse than Weinergate, since it involves the invasion of others’ privacy. And no, I’m not buying the “drink made me do it” excuse, and neither should anyone else. Drinking impairs judgment, sure. But it also impairs cognitive functions, eye/hand co-ordination, etc. And all of those things would have come in handy for this wanker, who hacked into women’s e-mail accounts by first stalking them on Facebook to find out personal details that could give clues as to their passwords. From there on, he was able to track down nude photos, videos and other embarrassing sext-y stuff, and used them to humiliate the victims, apparently just for lulz. That’s not the booze talking; that’s a personal character flaw. Alcohol doesn’t put those inclinations there; at most, it only brings out what’s there already.

13. Lindsay Fucking Lohan. Enough excuses, feckless girl. You can SO afford therapy. You canNOT afford those hideous stilts. Or the ridiculous lifestyle that goes with them. Do away with all that, and the therapy will practically pay for itself!

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14. Will Fucking McCants. Because of his and other dumbasses’ “terrorism expertise” (note the quotes), the media chased its collective tail for several hours after the Norway terrorist violence, trumpeting that “Islamists” had “claimed responsibility”. In fact, nothing of the sort happened, as a shamefaced McCants & Co. were forced to admit much later. The Muslim world was quick to condemn the attacks and condole with the victims. And the suspect in custody is a white, very un-Islamic, ethnic Norwegian, described as a fundamentalist Christian “with right-wing connections”. According to my friend Anthony, he’s also left his electronic trail all over the right-wing blogosphere in Sweden, complaining that Norwegians weren’t “anti-Islamic” enough. Somehow, none of those so-called “terrorism experts” were expert enough to look into THAT angle. Maybe because a tall, blond, home-grown fascist terrorist somehow just isn’t terroristic enough?

15. Andy Fucking Coulson. A perjurer, you say? Blimey! Would never have thought it of one of Rupee Murdoch’s loyal…oh wait, yes, I WOULD!

16. James Fucking Murdoch. Wouldn’t surprise me if HE were one, either.

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17. Kelly Fucking Ripa. You know, I never liked her. Could never quite put a finger on why. Well, NOW I can. She’s a total fucking twit! She thinks that a man paying for dinner = a woman having “his” babies. Right, because that totally makes it even. And she says feminism has “gone ridiculous”? No, honey, it hasn’t. YOU have. (And, I guess, by this token, that her loopy statement means that I don’t get to go on dinner dates. I’ve known from an early age that I simply wasn’t cut out for babies. Never had one, never will.)

18. Joseph Bernard Fucking Campbell. OMG, this one’s just like #12. Hacking women’s private e-mails and then posting their nude photos as their Facebook profile shots? And also posting them to a website dedicated to “Pinellas County Sluts”? Again, it’s all for the lulz. And the wankz. Oh yeah, and the SLUT SHAMING. About the only thing that’s missing is the alcohol excuse. (Let’s not give the fuckhead any more stupid ideas there.)

19. David Fucking Wu. Dressing up as Tony the Tiger only makes your sexual misconduct seem that much creepier, dude.

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And finally, to all the fucking media who got the right-wing, fundie-Christian, neo-Nazi massacres in Norway so dreadfully wrong. Let this be a lesson to you, one that you should have learned in Oklahoma City 16 fucking years ago: NOT ALL TERRORISTS ARE “ISLAMIC”. NOT ALL CRIMINALS “LOOK THE PART”! The worst ones, and the ones most consistently overlooked, are the fascists. They tend to be white, conservative, and…well, strangely unremarkable, if not downright pleasant to look at. Which is probably how they manage to blend in for as long as they do, and do as much damage as they do.

But that’s okay, media morons, you just go on jumping to stupid conclusions and blaming the usual suspects before you get all the facts. After all, tall good-looking white people NEVER do terrorism…

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…do they?

Good night, and get fucked!

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6 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Oslo Burning edition

  1. ck says:

    You forgot Michael Coren–he who implied that those kids at the Norwegian Labour party youth camp pretty much deserved their fate due to their criticism of Israel.

    Also, his implying that all who are on the left are ‘sewers’ in his comments section.

  2. Polaris says:

    Rush Limbaugh has been whining about the heat index being a government conspiracy to make it seem hotter than it is. He said a 116 degree heat index was reported along with the actual temperature that was 99 or 100 degrees, as if an actual temperature of “only” 100 degrees is nothing to fret about.

    Limbaugh spends most of his time during hot weather comfortably indoors with top of the line central air conditioning so extreme heat is not a reality to him.

    • Sabina Becker says:

      And of course, he’s well insulated by his blubber, too. So maybe a high humidex doesn’t touch him. But, believe me, I live without central air…and I feel it! Summers are hotter, humider, and more horrible than they were when I was a kid, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Even without hearing the humidex values for the day, I notice when it’s bad.

  3. Snarla says:

    I object. Timothy McVeigh was not good-looking.

    • Sabina Becker says:

      It may be in the eye of the beholder. I had a boyfriend who sort of looked like that, once, but without so much of the ruthless expression. Things like that can make a basically okay-looking guy unattractive.

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