Imagine a time when it all began…Music, maestros:
Horrible Hiroshima Day, in a world where victims of the first nuclear strike are still dying of cancer 66 years later. This is the day that should truly live in infamy, as it utterly dwarfs everything that happened at Pearl Harbor. The building and dropping of the uranium bomb, called Little Boy, at Hiroshima on this day in 1945, followed by its plutonium counterpart, Fat Man, at Nagasaki three days later, was arguably the biggest waste of human brainpower in history, turning scientists into lackeys and journalists into liars, and even US prisoners of war into bomb casualties. It was humanity’s worst hour, and yet it was celebrated by many as a victory. But amid the euphoria of a war, allegedly against fascism, “won” through depravity, there were ominous rumblings: Robert Oppenheimer, the lead scientist of the Manhattan Project, was conscience-stricken, and proclaimed, quoting the Bhagavad-Gita, “Now I am become Death, Destroyer of Worlds”; later, he opposed the development of all further nuclear weapons. Albert Einstein, who along with his Hungarian comrade, Leo Szilard, had written many years before to warn Franklin D. Roosevelt of the dangers of Nazi Germany getting the Bomb, was properly horrified by what his adopted country had done to Japan with it, and dedicated the remaining ten years of his life to pacifist and anti-nuclear causes. Claude Eatherly, the pilot of the weather-plane Straight Flush, who had given the bomber Enola Gay the all-clear to drop the bomb, was repeatedly institutionalized in mental hospitals and labelled “schizophrenic” for his piteous attempts to be recognized as the criminal he felt himself to be. He was entirely sane and by no means the mastermind of the war crime; his “mental illness” was nothing more than an acute outbreak of inflamed conscience on behalf of a country that seemed largely ignorant and indifferent to what had happened. His plight drew the attention of German ethical philosopher Günter Anders, who began a lengthy (and life-saving) pen-friendship with him that would eventually be published in book form, under the title Burning Conscience: The Guilt of Hiroshima. In all cases, these were understandable human responses to a horror without end. But then, those individuals were still irreversibly intelligent, for all the perversion that war had temporarily wrought upon their rational powers. Each was, in his own way, trying to reclaim the humanity he’d lost in the fog of war.
I note them all by way of contrast. Today, I want to juxtapose those great, flawed individuals with others who are merely flawed, with not an iota of greatness to redeem them. And no, I don’t feel like posting any ‘toons among them, either. That would break up the juxtaposition too much. So, with no further ado, here they come, in no particular order:
1. Michael Fucking Reagan. Ronald Reagan’s adopted son (and presumptive ideological heir) is a wholehearted subscriber to the “armed madhouse” model of flibbertigibbertarianism. Just look at the title of his latest screed to divine the full measure of his sorely limited imagination: “Legal guns would make Norway safer”. Um, Michael? Norway HAS legal guns. They are well-regulated there, which is good. And Norwegian culture is so peaceful that they are seldom used against people, which is even better. That’s why Norway IS largely safe…and has a murder rate so low that any sensible US citizen ought to envy it, not try to bring it up to US levels using the same NRA-backed scheme that has proved so disastrously, er, effective in your neck of the woods. And FYI, Michael: That same NRA-backed laxity you love is, in fact, directly to blame for a certain terrorist being able to acquire the ILLEGAL guns he used against his fellow Norwegians. Suck on THAT.
2. Pamela Fucking Geller, AGAIN. Still scrubbing. Still spinning. Still racist and bigoted. Still vile. Still tied to Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik, no matter how much she scrubs and spins. And still gonna be in deep doody-woo-doo when the Norwegian authorities find out exactly who sent her that infamous, incriminating “E-mail from Norway”.
3. Eric Fucking Cantor. Just for getting his picture taken with #2, I’m gonna wank-list him, too. There are, of course, other reasons, but let’s face it, nobody is more of a wank than Pamela Fucking Geller. She is so covered in her own shit that some of it is bound to rub off on anyone who gets near her…and STICK. Lie down with dogs, and all that.
4. Tom Fucking Flanagan. If Nycole Turmel, currently filling in for Jack Layton as federal NDP leader, is a “rat”, then he’s a rat BASTARD. And a rat FUCKER. And any other unpleasant noun you can think of that’s an insult to rats. Remember, he’s Harpo’s strategy advisor. So of course he’s going to look to smear the opposition…and no opposition right now is stronger than the New Democrats. It’s what CONservatives do when they’ve got no better strategy. Because, let’s face it, if you had to go by what they’ve actually done for Canadians, it would look pretty damn shabby.
5. And while we’re on the subject of shabby, take Stephen Fucking Harper. Please. The man is tellingly silent on the damage the teabaggers are doing south of the border…probably because he’s salivating to fuck us over in the exact same way up here. And when it comes to criticizing Nycole Turmel’s Bloquiste past, he really should STFU…because he comes from the “Reform” (note quotes) party, which was right-wing Alberta’s equivalent to the Bloc just two short decades ago. And in cahoots with actual neo-Nazis, to boot.
6. Isak Fucking Nygren. Another unholy alliance comes to light. This Swedish fascist has ties to Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik, as well as the racists of apartheid Israel. And oh yeah: he’s constantly dropping the n-word. Getting harder and harder not to see all these right-wingers as having some very creepy things in common, no?
7. Joe Fucking Lieberman. He actually wants US social security to be cut…to finance war. No doubt he’s extremely popular with the Military-Industrial Complex, but if this doesn’t kill him at the polls, I don’t know what will. Just who does he think his main voting constituency is? I doubt very much that it’s the young! And I doubt even more that they can afford private old-age pension plans, seeing as the US economy is now officially in the shitter.
8. Frank Fucking Gaffney. OMG, he thinks even his fellow right-wingers are in bed with the Muslim Brotherhood? Just for talking to a Muslim group? Mayday, mayday…we have a tinfoil-beanie situation! Straitjacket, stat!
9. John Fucking Bolton. He doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell at reaching the White House. (Except, of course, the way everyone else does: as a tourist.) So why so suddenly, deafeningly silent about his ties to #2, whom he was quite happy to grant interviews for her shitty blog, and pose for pictures with? Is that any way to treat your one and only superfan, John? Oh yeah, I forgot: IT’S THE BIGOTRY, STUPID!!! Pammy has the reverse Midas touch. Everything she gets her mitts on, turns to dross…if it wasn’t already. And Bolton was already, long before she ever began hyperventilating about him. Which means that an association with her will turn him from dross to shit. That is, if he isn’t already.
10. Steve Fucking King. Free birth control will end the human race? By “human”, read WHITE; those are the only humans he cares about. Hell, birth control that costs hasn’t done it, so why would birth control that doesn’t cost? This fucking idiot should look up maternal mortality statistics sometime…and see how far they’ve dropped in the world since the birth control pill first went on the market in 1960. And, with a world population at close to 7 billion (or is it over that already?), it’s hardly likely that we’re all gonna die out. If anything, by reducing the birth rate, it will help to ensure the human race’s survival. Our planet can only support so many humans, especially ones who waste as much good air as this dude. Over-reproduction tends to lead to mass die-offs, especially if there’s not enough decent food, housing or clean water to go ’round. But then, you’d have to have studied basic biology to know that. Has he? I doubt it. Incidentally, the new law is not just about free birth control, but well-woman checkups and maternal and infant health, too. Don’t anyone fucking tell me that healthy women will be the death of us all! I think he’s really just worried that white women will stop reproducing. Yes, really. In this baby-mad climate, where Bristol Fucking Palin can become famous just for getting her dumb snowbilly ass knocked up, and then going around preaching something I’m sure she would never practice.
11. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Racist much? One doesn’t have to be from the US south anymore to recognize a dog-whistle when one hears it…and calling a black man “boy”, especially if he’s your president, is no better than calling him a nigger outright. Everyone knows that, and yet we’re all still left wondering just what it will take to get this fascist motherfucker off the air for good.
12. Sandy Fucking Rios. See #10. And add a side order of “Hey stoopid, why aren’t YOU barefoot and pregnant, if having babies is the be-all and the end-all of female existence?” Yeah, a breast pump or a domestic-abuse counsellor is exactly the same as a pedicure. Because having a baby is no harder than getting your nails done (and she should know, hers are immaculate. Probably files them and touches up her polish during sex, too.) And well-woman care is a luxury, not a necessity. Only in Family Values Cloud Cuckoo Land, where all the spokesbimbos dare to preach, but never practice!
13. Glenn Fucking Beck. Why?
That’s why. Racist much? No, we don’t believe that you “don’t care”. If you really didn’t care, you wouldn’t babble incessant fucking nonsense about it. Or try to tie the new non-white Spider-Man in to the not-so-white-anymore White House in such an unsubtle fashion.
14. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. Yep, I think she’s got all her bigotry bases covered. Too bad she’s still striking out. And so will Rick Fucking Santorum, Mittens Fucking Romney, and Michelle Fucking Pray-Away-the-Gay-With-My-Deeply-Closeted-Hubby Bachmann.
15. Jennifer Fucking Rubin. Excuses, excuses. Apparently her intellect isn’t the only part of her that’s inexcusably fucking lazy. Would it really have killed her religious observances to turn on her computer for five minutes, just to type out “Sorry, I erred, it wasn’t Islamists, it was one of ours”? Maybe not, but I bet it would have killed her job (at which she is utterly incompetent, but apparently necessary for the illusion of “fairness” and “balance”) a lot sooner than all the outrage that’s still raining down on her head now.
16. John Fucking Stossel. If he wants laws against drunk driving repealed, there can only be one reason for that: He’s an insufferable drunk, and he’s only mad that he can’t go around killing more random strangers. (Which, when you think about it, kind of explains his loopy politico-economic theories, too.)
17. Sean Fucking Hannity. Apparently, it’s the fault of all those birth-control-using jezebels that the Baby Jesus can’t get laid. And he’s whiny as hell, thinking HE’s the one who’s gonna be paying for all their insurers to cover THEM. Boo, hoo, fucking HOO. And just , the same that’s not gonna do HIM any good, seeing as no self-respecting woman (or man) finds him even remotely attractive?
18. Peder Fucking Jensen. Finally, the infamous, anonymous “Fjordman” has a name, and it’s not Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik. Okay-fine. But if he thinks that coming forward will help him “clear” his name, he should remember who clouded it in the first place by blogging all that islamophobia and hate that inspired Breivik so much. And if he fears for his safety against a bunch of peace-loving humanitarian leftists, he’s a fucking wimp. But that’s all entirely par for the course; aren’t bullies basically cowards, anyway? And who’s a bigger cowardly bully than an islamophobic blogger who hides behind a pseudonym and provides the ammo for “lone wolves” to come out shooting…and then, when the hard spotlight hits him, goes scurrying like a cockroach, saying he’s not for violence? Ultimately he’s a collaborator, and it’s only a question of how directly he collaborated. No, his name will NEVER be clear…and it’s his own damn fault for subscribing to the most fashionable hate-ideology there is out there.
19. Chris Fucking Hurst. Another neo-Nazi terrorist sympathizer whose “disavowal” rings pretty damn hollow. The white kids Breivik killed (whom Hurst “laments”) were certainly not going to “breed” the next generation of delusional fascists like this fucker. They were the next generation of antifascists, as would their own children be after them; that’s why Breivik killed them, duh. He didn’t want antifascism to get any stronger than it already is. But his massacre has backfired already, as the survivors will gladly testify. They are now more determined than ever to oppose this kind of bullshit.
20. Patrick Fucking Pexton. Now we know that the Fucking Washington Whore Post is a hopeless sellout to the Fucking War on Terra. Why? Because its own ombud chooses to defend Wanker #15, and attack her critics — who, incidentally, are not the ones who did wrong, blaming the Norway terror attacks on the usual suspects instead of the real menace. Heaven forfend that right-wingers should be held responsible for murder, or even accountable for their own fucking stupidities, eh Patsy? That now makes TWO WaHoPo harlots who should be out of a fucking job. (Three if you count Jackson Fucking Diehl, who shamelessly cheerleads the notion of expanding the War on Terra to Latin America, where meddling gringos should do only one thing, and that is STAY THE HELL OUT.)
21. Fucking ALEC. “Jeffersonian democracy” apparently entails massive corruption, a total lack of transparency, and the physical assaulting of anyone who tries to expose the creepy crawlies hiding underneath the stone labelled “Jeffersonian democracy”. Gosh, who fucking knew?
22. Michael Fucking Bradley. Calling your president an “illiterate monkey” and threatening him with death is stupid enough. But when you use the contact form on his own website to vent your racist spleen like that? That’s like the Darwin Award of the Internets, dude.
23. John Fucking Boehner. “Gays make bad parents”? I dunno, my gay best friend and his hubby sure look like mighty good parents to me. They might make bad breeders, but parents? Not so much. Boney, on the other hand, makes a rotten politician. And I don’t think he should be allowed to spawn.
24. Judson Fucking Phillips. Liberal Democratic activists protesting the fascist policies of Scott Fucking Walker, the fucking teabag governor of Wisconsin, are “Nazi brownshirts”? Look who’s talking.
25. Jason Fucking Kenney. How can we trust our own government anymore when it (a) falsely accuses the innocent, (b) conveniently “leaks” how it “lost” documents supposedly incriminating the said innocent, and (c) then expects us to trust it? Oh yeah, that’s right…the innocent were Canadian citizens who had Arabic names, so that makes this DIFFERENT somehow. We’re supposed to trust the SupposiTories to keep us “safe” because brown-skinned Muslims are scary! Personally, I’d rather trust a coyote to guard a henhouse. Fucking SupposiTories — who else is so proud of their own racism and ineptitude, and so utterly unashamed even when caught in a bald-faced lie?
26. Troy Fucking Newman. Finally, we learn exactly how pro-woman the male-dominated anti-choice movement really is. And is anyone else not the least bit surprised to learn that the answer is NOT AT ALL? When walking incubators — er, pregnant women — are just “bitches” to the anti-choice Führer, who previously claimed he opposed abortion to “protect and respect” women, it seems rather a logical conclusion, no?
27. and 28. Rick Fucking Perry and Michele Fucking Bachmann. Yeah, let’s have a faith-based pissing contest. Let’s see whose bladder wins the Sky Pixie’es approval!
And finally, to all those who claimed the tsunami of this past spring, and the nuclear disaster it brought to Fukushima, was payback for Pearl Harbor. You forgot Hiroshima, you stupid motherfuckers. Here, read what Yoko Ono has to say about all that. And just pray that it never happens to YOU, okay?
Good night, and get fucked!