Wankers of the Week: London Burning

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well. How about those riots in Merry Old England, eh? Looks like London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down…and not just in London, my fair ladies (and gents). Shit is hitting the fan all over the place. And here are some of the choicest turd-nuggets of the past week, goin’ splat in no particular order…

1. Lindsey Fucking Graham. Two things: Barack Obama is NOT a coach (they are hired by the capitalists who own teams, not elected by the people), so it’s irrelevant whether or not he’d be fired; this comparison of politics to football is just suck-ass stupid. But then again, Graham IS a Repug, so of course he doesn’t see anything wrong with an elected official being a corporatist hireling! And yes, the Teabagger Party IS to blame for the budget mess and credit-rating downgrade. Anyone who can’t see it is either blind or inbred. And since this wanker’s not blind, guess what that leaves?

2. Judson Fucking Phillips. Last week, the tea-tard leader was stupid about Nazism; this week he’s stupid about its polar opposite, the left. Which is, in his mind, exactly the same thing. Unfortunately, out here in reality, it’s not. And if you’re going to toss out unsubstantiated claims that the left has killed a billion people, you’d better be prepared to account for the exact number that CAPITALISM has killed…which is also unknown, but in any event higher than anything you could blame on “the left”, capitalism running the world as it does (and the left does NOT).

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3. Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger. He has the gall to wear a t-shirt boasting that he “survived Maria”…a woman who deserves some kind of award for having quietly put up with his egomaniacal, groping, mistress-impregnating, blatantly sexist shit (he even bragged about not letting her wear pants in public) for twenty-five fucking years. Or at least some tribute nicer than such a demeaning t-shirt, which is precisely the sort of thing that would make even a living saint want to take Arnie to the cleaners. (Hint-hint, Maria!)

4. Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti. Rob Ford’s neocon butt-boy says he can sniff out the “sour smell of communism” because he kinda-sorta used to be one. Yeah? Well, I can sniff out the sploodgy smell of a malaka. That’s Greek for wanker.

PS: Ha, ha.

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5. Travis Fucking Keen. I always did think that you’d have to be a wanker to love Wal-Mart, but now we have literal, living proof that this is, in fact, the case. This one is so aroused by the place that he invariably whips out his schlong whenever he’s in there, and whacks off. Must be all the fumes coming off the cheap plastic crap made in China. I hear those have the strangest effect on your better judgment.

6. Warren Fucking Jeffs. And while we’re on the subject of literal wankers, this one does it fifteen times a day in jail. No doubt to make up for all those underage girls he’s no longer molesting under the pretext of “celestial marriage”.

7. Ann Fucking Coulter. She’s gay? Really? Oh. Wait. She’s just out to get our attention again, seeing as she’s run of out ridiculous shit to say. Never mind!

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8. Stephen Fucking Harper. He wangled a fucked-trade agreement with fascist Colombia, but he wasn’t as lucky in Brazil. And, out of sheer spite, he apparently locked himself in a minister’s bathroom, and held his breath until he turned blue. What was he really doing in there, as if we didn’t suspect? What a national embarrassment this motherfucker is proving to be, and on a daily basis, too!

9. Alex Fucking Jones. “Robot helicopters with airborne Ebola”, my ASS. Let’s face it, if “they” wanted us dead en masse, they wouldn’t be doing it the way this wackaloon claims; they’d just machine-gun us all. Whatever this conspiracy kook shaves with, it sure as hell ain’t Occam’s Razor! PS: That “mack daddy” bit is a racist dog-whistle, for those unaware. Yup, good ol’ boy Alex is one of THOSE conservatives.

10. Michele Fucking Bachmann. “Submission means respect”? No, actually, it doesn’t. When one person submits, the respect of the other is lacking. She claims she and her husband “respect” each other, but does HE submit to HER? If he does, he’s in violation of evangelical nutter principles. Because THOSE state clearly and unequivocally that women are inferior to men and must act the part. In any case, no presidency for her, since candidates must submit to the will of the people, and the people don’t want evangelical nutters in the White House. PS: No, you can’t pray away the gay…or the gay teenage activists coming to confront you and call you on your shit.

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11. Megyn Fucking Kelly. “Entitlements for me, not for thee” seems to be her motto. That’s why it’s so funny to see her sparring with Mike Fucking Gallagher over her recent maternity leave. Two dumb, but entitled flibbertigibbertarians ripping each other’s hair out. Maybe they should both lose their jobs, and then we’ll see what happens to their feelings about entitlements, eh?

12. Robert Fucking Vietze. Being drunk on a plane is bad enough. But pissing on an 11-year-old girl, while drunk, on a plane? Dude, that’s a wank and a half.

13. Faytene Fucking Kryskow. She’s got a new surname…and she’s ready for her close-up, Mr. DeMille! But she’s still an evangelical nutter. Pity!

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14. The Fucking Pentagon. How to make a billion dollars go poof? Squander it on a hypersonic aircraft, probably for spying purposes. Recession? What fucking recession?

15. Matthew Lee Fucking Anderson. Yoga may be old (and in his opinion, “degraded”), but it’s still a helluva lot hipper and more useful than certain spiritually-bereft doofi who write for Christianity Today — which, given its own dedication to useless antiquated beliefs about Jeebus (and not to following what he actually said we should do), should be called Christianity Yesterday. I’ve been doing yoga since I was six years old (that’s a loooong time, kiddies), and I have to say it’s done more for my spirituality than any amount of bible-thumping ever could. Oh yeah, and I’ve found out from experience that it’s perfectly compatible with Wicca! Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want other Christians doing it?

16. Sarah Fucking Palin. Shut up about running for president, already. It’s not as if the Repugs are lacking for joke candidates, anyway. Also, shut up about the “lamestream media” (a term the left invented, ahem) — just who the hell do you think is enabling you in your presidential delusions, lady?

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17. Jessica Fucking Chastain. Gaining 15 measly pounds and still not being anything close to fat is “torture”? Get serious, girl. I’ve put on way more than that over the course of several years, and never felt it. But trying to find stylish clothes in a world geared to size-zero twits who kvetch about having to gain weight for a role? Now THAT’s torture!

18. Mitt Fucking Romney. Corporations are “people”, under some obscene twist of US law…and that’s why he panders to them so shamelessly, while forgetting actual relatives of his whom conservatism has killed.

19. Christine Fucking O’Donnell. I still can’t believe anyone was stupid enough to award this nonentity a book contract (much the same as I still can’t believe anyone was stupid enough to award any to the nonentities of the snowbilly clan Palin). But apparently someone has, and now she’s reaping her just deserts by being tagged with dildos and books about witches at Amazon.com. Fitting! May similar things also befall the snowbillies. Please, Goddess, please…

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And last but certainly NOT least, David Fucking Cameron, the unacknowledged author of the London riots. If you’re going to prattle about how kids today are brought up all entitled and disrespectful, and how this is totally justification for your waxing all totalitarian on the social-networking sites, it might behoove you to check your own past, as well as that of the current lord mayor of London. Every public-affairs commentator in the UK apparently has.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

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