Wankers of the Week: Ridin’ the Pipeline to Nowhere

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, there goes another shitty week. Gitmo is ten years old now, and still no trials for any of the prisoners; probably because then it would come out embarrassingly in court that there were an awful lot of false arrests made, and that the whole exercise hasn’t done a damn thing to quell terrorism anywhere in the world, because it IS terrorism itself. And closer to home, we’re hearing an awful lot of hypocritical hot-air venting about a certain crude-oil pipeline or two that should not ever be built. Yes, that’s right, folks, the Wank Machine is cranking into high gear again after the merest whiff of a breather over the holidays. And here come its clanking cogs and squeaky wheels, in no particular order:

1. Rick Fucking Santorum. How low can he go? Well, how about as low as telling kids with gay parents that they’d be better off with their dads in jail. At this juncture, it’s safe to say his kids would be better with their dad in prison. That much stupidity all in one sweater-vest, warping the minds of the Next Generation, has got to be criminal! PS: Oh my, a major skeleton has tumbled out of the Santorum family closet…and it is Icky Ricky’s wifey-poo! Lived with the same abortion-providing doctor who delivered her, out of wedlock yet? And he used to be pro-choice? Wooooooo. Bet Icky Ricky is gonna spin this as himself coming in as her knight in shining armor, saving her from living in sin with a baby-killer 40 years her senior. If he’s smart, though, this will be his signal to bow out. He’s already got a big strike against him since the news broke that the missus also had the “only moral abortion”. Otherwise, watch this space, because the hypocrisies will be flying as thick and fast as the brown smelly eponymous froth. PPS: Ha, ha! (Read to the end. You will die laughing.) PPPS: And for some really big laffs, guess what Icky Ricky’s Italian relatives are, and what they think of him.

2. Ronald Fucking Weinland. Mark this down on your calendars, kiddies: May 27 is the fucking Apocalypse! That way, you’ll know when to laugh on schedule at yet another blustering God-botherer who thinks his word alone is going to give the doubters cancer. (And even if we all do get cancer, at least there are treatments for it. Stupidity and superstition? Not so much.)

3. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh look! Harpo’s packing the Senate again. At this rate the floor of the Upper Chamber is going to give way. I don’t think it was built to withstand so many big, fat…um, what’s the phrase that Charlie Angus used again? Unelected boobs, I believe it is. Yes, exactly. They’re boobs because they support Harpo, and unelected because he appointed them. One hand washes the other. PS: And he’s willing to politicize Canada Day and co-opt the War of 1812 for his own gain? Fuck that shit! PPS: AND he wants to nullify legal same-sex marriages here if contracted between foreigners who visited Canada for the purpose, but claims he’s not “reopening” the matter? Cowardly bastard is trying to have his cake and appease his fundie base, too.

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4. Phil Fucking Parkinson. Yes, let’s all trivialize the Holocaust by going to a gym in Dubai to “kiss your calories goodbye”. What could possibly be so bad about that? BTW, if you really want to get skinny in the Emirate, how about just drinking their lovely, grody water straight from the beach? That oughta make you look like an Auschwitz corpse in no time!

5. Jay Fucking Gray. Who the hell blows a .182 after only two beers? A liar, that’s who.

6. Chris Fucking Christie. Well, well — looks like the Greedy Oligarch Party’s macho man has himself some female trouble. And I doubt a helicopter will be coming anytime soon to extricate him from this one (at great expense to the taxpayers of Noo Joizey, natch).

7. Todd Fucking Palin. Endorses Newt Fucking Gingrich. No doubt to keep his own name in the news, not that it matters. Newty will soon be joining him in irrelevancy. Wish he’d join him in Wasilla, preferably on a lonely stretch of back road in the dead of the coldest winter in a hundred years, with no gas for the truck. PS: Ha, ha.

8. Bill Fucking Donohue. Either he’s a molester himself, or he’s as clueless as he is offensive. Because of all the words and phrases I might use to describe victims of pedophile priests, “pitiful malcontents” (his phrase) doesn’t even make the list. But I have plenty of choice ones for him, and top of my list is despicable disgusting motherfucking bastard of a pervert apologist.

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9. Brenda Fucking Buttner. Job losses in the public sector are “positive”? Only if you work at FUX Snooze, where the sky is green, the grass is blue, and all the pigs wear lipstick and fly around uttering inanities before the camera. And really, are private-sector job losses “positive” too? Only if you work at FUX Snooze, honey…only if you work at FUX Snooze. Which deserves to lose viewers, as well as private-sector jobs, due to stupid-ass commentators like this one.

10. Tony Fucking Clement. It’s jackass, not “jack ass” — you fucking JACKASS! PS: Ha, ha.

11. Vivian Fucking Krause. Oh, so US anti-tar-sands money is fueling my environmentalism? Ha, ha, so sorry, but no. No money trail to follow here, this blog is financed by nobody, and the only motivator I need is a love of my country. Nice try at smearing all us Canadian environmentalists, though. Who’s financing YOU, I wonder? Oh wait, the article says it’s THESE people. AND you recently worked for a Tory MP? And my, what an extensive SourceWatch entry you have. Yeah, Viv, keep frontin’ for the right-wing special interests. You’re not fooling anyone. You’re no more an “independent blogger” than is your old pal, Ezra Fucking Levant. Who, I notice, has also referenced you. Quel surprise! PS: Pardon my Schadenfreude, but HA HA HA FUCKING HA!

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12. Joe Fucking Oliver. And while we’re on the subject of tarry Tories smearing innocent environmentalists, how about this motherfucker? Bet I know whose oh-so-conveniently-timed “independent” Postmedia crapaganda HE’s been reading. *coughcoughNUMBER11coughcough* Damn! Is it polluted in here, or is it all those “ethical” emissions from the tar sands? PS: Teh Stoopid…he haz it.

13. Haley Fucking Barbour. Wow, what a way to leave office: By pardoning five questionably rehabilitated wife-killers! And hey, the ex-gubnor of Mississippi is a repeat offender! He did the same in 2008. PS: Ha, ha!

14. Mike O’Fucking Neal. He insulted Michelle Obama in an e-mail forward which I’m sure was NEVER meant to circulate, but somehow did? Insert tasteless, sexist, racially insensitive joke about his mama (who obviously didn’t raise him right) here.

15. Randall Fucking Terry. Between him and Tim Fucking Tebow, there is plenty to loathe about the Cult of Football, and the Cult of Male Dominance piggybacking on it. Meanwhile, Jesus called; sez he doesn’t give a good-daddy-damn about fetuses OR touchdowns, so stop using him as a prop.

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16. Nikki Fucking Haley. She really takes the “let them eat cake” cake, doesn’t she? Somebody please get that woman a brocade gown and a powdered wig.

17. Bobby Joe Fucking Rogers. He has a “strong disbelief in abortion”, so he firebombed a clinic? Pfffft. I also have a strong disbelief…in drunken vagrant fuckassery. But you don’t see ME firebombing any homeless shelters, do you now?

18. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Oh boo fucking hoo, look who’s not taking last week’s ejection from mass media very well. This comes as a surprise to how many of us? Show of hands? Thought so. The old white supremacist blames a black man and Teh Queeeeeeerz! As for taking personal responsibility for his own odious views, which are the real problem…well, what were WE expecting? Of course that won’t happen. But hey, paranoid old fart, way to prove your detractors right. Do it some more!

19. Mike Fucking Miller. He doesn’t want to sound like a Repug, but he wants us all to know that they don’t have a monopoly on stupid, irrational, religiously-insane homophobia! Awwww, isn’t that just so pwecious?

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20. Theodore Fucking Castine. Need a reason to NOT send naked pix of yourself to friends, girls? Watch out who “friends” you on Facebook, then. It could be a nasty, ugly pervert old enough to be your dad. Or your grandpa.

21. and 22. Taylor Fucking Wynn and Mackenzie Fucking Barker. Of course, sometimes the dirty, disgusting perverts really ARE underage girls…looking to bully a classmate on Facebook by generating fake obscene pictures with her face in them. It’s all just fun and games until someone goes to Juvie, eh girls?

23. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Yes, bigotry IS on the rise in the United States. Unfortunately, it’s the direct opposite of what Newty says. Every day is Opposite Day with him!

24. James O’Fucking Keefe. Doesn’t committing fraud in an effort to prove fraud mean that YOU are a fraud? Or is that too meta for ya?

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(No, that’s not really him; it’s some nameless Russian pimp-wannabe with the poor sense to pose in tacky clothes beside an unimpressive car. But it sure looks like him, does it not?)

25. Stephen Fucking Woodworth. What is it with all these repugnant men who keep trying to legislate what goes on in women’s bodies, claiming it’s their “duty” when it fucking is NOT? If this one dares try to “reopen the abortion debate”, his political future is DOA. Because Canadians have a duty to make sure fascism doesn’t take root in our country ever again, and believe me, THAT is not up for “debate”.

26. Julian Fucking Fantino. Oh look, big tough ex-police chief can’t take a little criticism on the tweeter. So he goes and bullies Tony Fucking Clement’s critics. How the hell did someone so thin of skin and poor of judgment ever make it out of police academy?

27. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The Pigman’s drug habit is definitely getting out of hand. Rick Fucking Perry in no way resembles Fidel Castro! That’s either an unwarranted compliment to Perry, or a terrible insult to Fidel, Cigar Butt.

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28. Mitt Fucking Romney. Nobody fucking envies you, Mittens. We just want to see your class pay its fair share of taxes. Ain’t nothing envious about that. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Yo Mittens, someone would like an explanation out of you. Are you going to give it to him, or not? PPPS: Don’t bother answering this one, though, we already know you ARE one.

29. Pamela Fucking Geller. Is anyone surprised that this crazy fucking bitch loves her some corpse-pissing yahoos? No? All righty then. I guess you also no longer need to ask why “they” hate “us”. Pamela Fucking Geller is why, y’all. And whenever she finally bites it, I hope someone from the other team is there to “wash” her scabrous corpse in the manner it karmically deserves.

30. Dana Fucking Loesch. Piss on HER, too. She has all the manners of a warthog sow, so she can fucking wallow. Hell, even the Fucking Pigman didn’t go there. And no, I don’t buy her “defending Marines” twaddle. They’re big strong guys who can damn well defend themselves. That is, if they’ve done something legally and morally defensible, which the corpse-desecrators in the video most certainly have NOT. The only ones succumbing to “overly-dramatic hysteria” are this one and #29. And little wonder: The war in Afghanistan is lost, the hearts and minds of the locals will always be against the Amurrican Empire, and all the crapaganda and corpse-pissing in the world won’t change that.

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31. Allen Fucking West. Another wanker joins the circle-jerk over the corpses of dead Afghans, and dares to minimize the desecration with the “War is hell” shibboleth. Yo, Allen? SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND GO TO HELL.

32. Steve Fucking Womack. “Join the military!” seems to be the Repugs’ answer to everything these days. And no wonder: These chickenhawks have all built their careers on endless war. Their record for non-military job creation is shitty. Of course they’re going to tell the young, the poor and especially the non-white to sacrifice themselves. How else are they going to pay for all those baubles they shower on their trophy women? The Military-Industrial Complex only rewards those who keep that meat grinder going, after all!

33. Joran Fucking Van Der Sloot. Hey everybody, he feels bad! Yeah, I just bet he does. I bet he feels bad that he got caught. (And in other news, his first victim, Natalee Holloway, whose body has never been found, has now been declared legally dead. No word as to how bad he feels about that.)

34. Kim Fucking Kardashian. Need another reason to despise this talentless nonentity? Here ya go. Enjoy.

35. Kathryn Fucking Marshall. Another grating-voiced unEthical Oil shill has gone down in flames. And on national teevee, too! Just a pity she’s not out of the picture yet. But hey! At least her nervous breakdown has gone viral. And all of Canada is enjoying a good sardonic chuckle at her expense.

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PS: Wanna play a drinking game? Take a swig every time she says “foreign special interests and their puppets trying to hijack the process”. She does it several times. Clearly she’s been well rehearsed…but not well enough to vary her bullshit and make it sound fresher with repetition.

36. Mike O’Fucking Neal. Yep, “Mrs. YoMamma” is a wanker again this week. This time, for circulating that horrible Psalm 109 — you know, the one that’s being used by the Religious Reich to wish death on Barack Obama? Yeah, that’s REAL “Christian”. I hope everyone who prays this, gets what they prayed for…THEMSELVES. Hey, Karma’s a bitch, and so are those who pray this shit. PS: And further to the “bitch” bit, he refuses to apologize. Dorothy, I think we’ve just found what’s wrong with Kansas.

37. Arthur Fucking Laffer. Surprise! The Reaganite prototype for Leisure Suit Larry (remember him?) is totally into Ponzi schemes. This should come as a surprise to precisely no one.

38. Arthur Fucking Brisbane. Reporting the truth and holding your interviewees accountable doesn’t make you a “vigilante”, it makes you a REPORTER. Speaking of which…when DID the NY Whore Times stop hiring those, and why?

39. All the fucking Penn State alumni who value Joe Paterno and their precious football program over the mental health and well-being of the at-risk kids molested by Jerry Fucking Sandusky. Have you no fucking perspective? JoePa was slated to retire before the scandal broke, and with his health problems, it seems unlikely he would have served out that last season anyway. This isn’t really about him, is it? Nope…it’s about the Fucking Cult of Football, as usual. The fact that the abused kids were there to LEARN football from a coach they should have been able to trust just doesn’t penetrate SOME people’s thick, cement-like skulls, I guess. So boos and hisses to those who are “protesting” the dismissals now by withholding donations. Learn from the past and present Penn Staters who are doing the opposite and standing up for abused kids, dammit.

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And finally, to the as-yet unnamed wanker who threw the brick through the window of the Babylon Restaurant in Lowell, Massachusetts. Supposedly it wasn’t a hate crime. But what other motive would there have been, since the place prominently advertised, in writing on its windows, that it serves Iraqi food? Why not throw a brick through the windows of all the other restaurants on the street? Why pick on one run and staffed by Iraqi refugees? Happily, the local Veterans For Peace showed up to dine there, and filled the place twice in a show of solidarity. But the fear and doubt still must linger in the minds of those who work there, and no doubt they worry about the next time a brick — or worse — goes flying through their windows. Anyone who’d rob those people, who have already been through a war and so much trauma, of their peace of mind, has got to be a real motherfucker. And I can’t wait to see him in court.

Good night, and get fucked!

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2 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Ridin’ the Pipeline to Nowhere

  1. You were inspired by those Japanese sale banners, weren’t you? 😉

    Seriously though, that’s a powerhouse list of wankers. Well done!

    • Sabina Becker says:

      LOL! I saw that, and thought of using it. Maybe next week? (January White Sale season is still on, right?)

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