Wankers of the Week: Easter Bummers

Crappy Easter, everyone! If you’re feeling kinda butthurt, or like your ears’ve been chewed off, the chocolate bunnies above can relate. So can I. Because I’ve been tracking the reasons why this past week has just sucked all kinds of eggs. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Lee Fucking Aronsohn. Who? Oh, only the half-a-man who gave us the atrocious sitcom that enabled Charlie Fucking Sheen for waaaaayyy too fucking long, and is now doing the same for Ashton Fucking Kutcher. Seems he doesn’t like vaginas, because they keep breaking his shrivelled little heart and being too goshdarn pretty for him. So he decided to create an entire unfunny TV show that has run for HOW many fucking seasons now? TOO MANY! — celebrating dicks and assholes and their general assholish dickery and dickish assholery. And hating on teh vajayjays. Thus torpedoing his chances of ever getting within hollering distance of one again, although — ha, ha — he’s going to be hearing from a lot of them, in excruciating detail, from now on.

2. Yaron Fucking Segal. Being an MIT post-doc researcher? Nice job if you can get it. Throwing it all away by going online to troll for moms willing to sell their underage daughters to a skank-ass sexual predator such as yourself? NOT SMART.

3. Lila Fucking Rose. It’s one thing to make a choice based on your personal feelings; it’s quite another to try to legislate the same choice as the only one for everyone else, regardless of their feelings. And to advocate for that kind of legislation with phony propaganda is NOT pro-woman, much less feminist. Anyone who thinks it is, is full of right-wing sexist doublethink. So, Lie-là, no, we’re not going to give you your F-card. Unless, perhaps, you meant the one stamped FAIL.

4. Raymond Charles Fucking Foley. Pissing to mark “your” territory: It’s not just for dogs anymore.

5. Tucker Fucking Max. Christ, this makes two superannuated, famous-for-nothing fratboys named Tucker that I’ve heard of now. And this one has even more unmitigated chutzpah than his floppy-haired namesake, the Bowtie Boy. Yeah, I know — hard to believe, eh? But he managed it…by trying to get Planned Parenthood of Texas to name a building after his sorry ass. A cynical move, since they’ve been stripped of funding by the state, and could sure use some donations. But give them full credit for dignity: they told him to shove his half-a-million dollars’ worth of income-tax evasion back up the orifice from whence he and his PR team oh-so-cynically pulled it. What do you bet they’re about to see a replay of what happened when the Komen Foundation tried to fuck them over?

6. Samantha Fucking Brick. Don’t hate her because she’s beautiful. In fact, don’t hate her at all. Just pity her because she thinks she’s beautiful, and that she is therefore obligated to bore us all to tears with endless anecdotes about how mean other people have been to her onaccounta she’s not all that. PS: And the wank keeps fapping on. Flirting with the male interviewer, but not half as friendly to the female? Gee, I can’t imagine why other women don’t like her very much. Or why I kept wanting to punch her conceited (but not all that pretty) face in. PPS: Ha, ha.

7. The Fucking European Commission. Flying to Syria = “supporting terrorism”? BULLSHIT. In case they’ve forgotten (and I can see that they have), Al-Qaida is supporting the anti-Assad opposition movement. Just like the European Commission, in other words.

8. Mitt Fucking Romney. Hey Mittens, have you ever tried shopping when you’re sick? Silly me, of course you haven’t. A man who wants to build elevators for his own cars can’t possibly be expected to understand that healthcare is not a trip to the mall. Perhaps you’d like to meet someone who can explain it to you? Here you go. I give you Tommy Douglas, the Greatest Canadian, and founding father of our no-shop single-payer universal healthcare plan. Who, I might add, would have lost a leg in childhood if it had been left to the markets to decide.

9. Heather Fucking Childers. Thanks ever so much for introducing us all to the latest loopy, stupid, racist Birther conspiracy theory. Now fuck the hell off.

10. Levi Fucking Johnston. Dude, either learn to use condoms properly, or get a vasectomy. PLEASE.

11. Francis Fucking Grady. I really wish that these anti-choicers would drop this “killing babies” bullshit. Everyone knows that none of these guys (and they are ALWAYS guys!) really give a good goddamn about babies; if they did, they’d be adopting all the AIDS orphans from Africa. No, it’s all about controlling women though willy-nilly reproduction. And just once, I wish one of these fucking clinic-bombing losers would be honest about that fact.

12. Hunter Fucking Moore. Pudding-faced douche with badly-drawn tattoos makes a living invading others’ privacy (with lame excuses, yet), and is not-so-secretly hoping that some of his victims-for-profit will kill themselves so that he can rake in even more profits! No, I can’t imagine anything going wrong with this. I’m sure a ruinous class-action lawsuit will do wonders for his bottom line, too. Go for it, Hunter, you edgy bitch, you. (PS: Your nose job didn’t work. You are STILL fugly.)

13. Steve Fucking King. Back to the closet with the queeeeeeeerz! Yeah, that’s a GREAT solution to discrimination. It’s only what the queeerrrrrzzzzz have been doing FOREVER, and STILL getting killed. Guess individual rights only matter to Repugs when the “individual” is a corporation…or high within the ranks of one.

14. Rick Fucking Santorum. Still there. Still wanking. Still clinging to guns and religion…because he’s got nothing of substance left. Even on home turf, Mittens is beating him. How pathetic is that?

15. Gene Fucking Simmons. Look who came out in support of Mittens. Because he thinks his country should be run like a business. Forget this “by, of and for the people” shit, eh Gene? Yeah, let’s run it by, of and for the MONEY. And let’s run it into the ground, the way big businesses so often are. Fuck democracy, it’s just another pussy…eh Gene? Well, guess what…I can’t wait till YOU can’t afford it, either. And I can hardly wait to hear what tune you play then.

16. Nikki Fucking Haley. “Women don’t care about contraception”? What is she, a robot? Maybe she doesn’t care because she’s got the taxpayers paying for hers. But then she’s also one of those who endorse the view that the Little People should be the ones paying the Big People through the nose for everything. And of course, she gets to have her cake, eat it too, and leave taxpayers on the hook for the slice.

17. Bristol Fucking Palin. Just like her endlessly obnoxious Mama Grizzly, she keeps calling the media “lamestream”…but then she keeps courting them, waving her pom-poms, and pouting when she doesn’t get the attention she only thinks she deserves. If it’s so lame, why do they both keep wanting it so badly? And does that not make them even lamer? PS: And speaking of lame…

18. Donald Fucking Trump. Trust me, Da Donald…I speak for all women when I say NOBODY would be impressed with your penis. In fact, our entire half of the human race wants you to keep that out of our collective face. Lock that shit away and NEVER let it see daylight. ‘kay???

19. Karl Fucking Rove. So, Barack Obama is a “thug”? Well, Unka Karl, you know what they say…IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE! There is NOTHING more thuggish than letting people die for money’s sake. (And why do I get the strangest feeling that “thug”, coming from a very white rightard and directed at a black man, is really just dog-whistle code for “nigger, nigger, nigger”?)

20. David Fucking Horowitz. And speaking of right-wing projectionists, get a load of this mafioso, calling democratic student uprisings against 400% tuition hikes “mob rule”. He’s just pissy, I think, because HIS ideas are so unpopular that he’d never get an actual crowd behind them…only a crappy cabal of astroturfed idiots such as himself. Poor, irrelevant little man! But don’t feel too sorry for Davey; he gets paid an awful lot of money by very rich interests to do little other than occasionally appear on FUX Snooze, bashing the 99%ers. Maybe it’s HE who should get his pampered ass expelled from universities across the Fruited Plain…and his moneymen, too.

21. Scott Fucking Walker. Gee, Scotty, I’m really sorry about your kids. Mostly because they have such a wanker for a dad. Something like that is bound to make most anyone’s young life hell for a while. But don’t worry, they’ll soon be hearing the last of it. When your ass is recalled, I promise you, things will settle right down!

22. Reince Fucking Priebus. Yeah, Funny Name Dude, you tell those paranoid, uppity women. I’m sure all the measures your party is taking to strip rights away from them is absolutely for their own goddamn fucking good, eh?

23. John Fucking Williamson. Using the words of a famous gunshot murder victim to celebrate the “freedom” to own unregistered murder weapons? Only in Harpolandia. Since this ain’t Canada anymore, we can’t even call him a national disgrace. He’s not one of us, you see. He’s wholly owned and subsidized by the Fucking NRA. I can only hope for his own sake that he never meets one of his “law-abiding” constitutents in a moment of derangement and disaffectation. Because then, the equally disaffected police (who, you may remember, opposed the SupposiTories on this one) won’t lift a finger to stop that law-abiding gun owner from taking the ever-abiding law into his law-abiding hands. Which, you know, can easily happen now in one of these hick-SupposiTory ridings full of law-abiding gun nutters who voted for barrel-sucking assclowns like this.

24. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Hey, who ever said irony was dead? Just witness this woman…who is apparently slathered in more layers of it than there are layers of shellac on her hair. And speaking of which, now we know why right-wing women all have that awful helmet hair. The poor dears are trying to hold their heads together with hairspray — otherwise, those cognitive-dissonance-laden gourds would simply EXPLODE!

25. John Fucking Derbyshire. How does somebody so stupid, sexist, perverted and paranoid get to have kids? Much less inculcate them with his bizarre, twisted, racist pseudo-values? People like him make me think that child-siring should become a licensed, registered thing. Also that people like him should be automatically excluded from all such privileges. PS: Ha, ha.

26. Jeff Fucking Schoep. He and his fellow neo-nutters are “patrolling” white neighborhoods in Sanford, Florida — home of the racist murder of Trayvon Martin — just in case a “race war” breaks out. Or, as I suspect will actually prove to be the case, they are trying to foment one. In which case, I hope they get it…and LOSE. Badly.

27. Glenn Fucking Grothman. Shorter: Women get paid less because they really just want to make babies and more babies! And besides, we make it up by paying their husbands more! Note: This is the same wanker whom I’ve listed here previously for claiming that single mothers are practically child abusers for bringing their kids into the world without a husband. Additional note: All this dumbfuckass talk of child abuse could be avoided if working women were paid at least as well as men…and working mothers were paid MORE. And if dumbfuckasses like Glenn Fucking Grothman could be voted out of a cushy, taxpayer-subsidized job, since he’s not supporting anyone but his dumbfuckass self.

28. James Fucking Hooker. Funny how quickly “love” hits the skids when your much older “lover”, who was actually your TEACHER before you quit school and shacked up with him, turns out to be a serial creeper on teenage girls, and the law finally catches up to him. Eh? Meanwhile, let’s hope his victim has learned her lessons: (a) that older men are Bhad Nhews, especially when you’re that young and they are in positions of trust, and (b) to always, ALWAYS listen to her mother.

29. Terry Fucking Jones. Well, hey HOWDY! I was wondering what his next idiotic stunt would be. It’s pretty hard to top a staged Koran-burning, but by Jove, he managed it with a staged cross-burning. That is, I meant to say a rally in support of George Fucking Zimmerman, whose inbred defenders all still insist he shot Trayvon Martin because homeboy was a thug, instead of just some kid in a hoodie, Eating Candy While Black.

30. Ted Fucking Nugent. Bwahahahahahaha! I’m sorry. I just can’t picture anybody going up against the pants-soiling author of “Wango Tango” and “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang”…and LOSING.

And finally, to all the so-called “progressive bloggers” who think there’s ANY merit in ANY conservative notions about abortion. NO THERE IS NOT. There is a reason the last anti-choice law in this country was struck down in 1988. That reason is that WOMEN CAN BE TRUSTED TO MAKE THEIR OWN DAMN MEDICAL DECISIONS, WHETHER ANYONE ELSE AGREES WITH THOSE DECISIONS OR NOT. Sorry for the all-caps shouting, but it seems it has to be said at full volume to be heard over the stupid fucking cacophony of “we must now pander to social conservatives or we will lose lose lose!” Newsflash: You are losing BECAUSE you pander to social conservatism, and the SupposiTories already have THAT vote all locked up. It’s an extreme minority opinion anyway. So why fucking bother trying to court it? Have you no pride? Have you no sense of history? This so-called debate was ended and settled nearly a quarter of a century ago, and you’re ceding ground to those who say it should be re-opened NOW? Who the fuck are you to call yourselves “progressive”, and when did you so-called Liberals get so fucking namby-pamby? Clearly yours is no longer the party of Pierre Trudeau, who rightly said that the state had no place in the bedrooms of the nation. And now you’re making common cause with those who say the opposite? Too bad for you, because that’s why I am not a Liberal. And it’s also why my party is now in a good position to challenge the SupposiTories. Yours? Not so much.

And if this criticism costs me MY ProgBlog feed, so be it. I’m sticking with the REAL progressives. You can tell them by the fact that they unconditionally recognize the personhood of WOMEN.

Good night, and get fucked!