Wankers of the Week: Royal Barfbag Jubilee edition


Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Diamond Jubilee…60 years of the blandest possible face on imperialism and the tyranny of the 1%. Gotta hand it to the old lady, she sure knows how to compel taxpayers to throw her a party. To what end, however, remains an open question. As does what to do about wankers like the following, in no particular order:

1. Jay Fucking Townsend. Last week he was blathering about throwing acid on women of the Democratic persuasion; this week, he resigned with an apology. So what’s the wank? Well, how about claiming that his acid-throwing remark was “misconstrued”? Kind of hard to misconstrue something as awful as that, eh? So yeah, he’s a wanker again this week. Buzz Buzz.

2. Peter Fucking MacKay. You want chutzpah? He’s got it. Not only does he use search-and-rescue helicopters as a private fishing-taxi service, he gets miffed when the military refuses to play along and say it was really a training exercise. And then he sends his staffers to scold the DND over that. You want brains, maturity and gonads worthy of a defence minister? Look elsewhere. I’m sure the military will be glad to see the back of him.

3. Tim Fucking Worstall. Worst idea of all: Make women on the Pill pay for “polluting” the water with the Pill residues they pee out. Um, how about making the big, profitable drug companies pay for the clean-up instead? After all, they made that ethinyl estradiol. We didn’t. No, no, too obvious. And also too hard on the big, profitable drug companies!


4. Eric Fucking Fehrnstrom. Half the human race is just “shiny objects” to these guys. I knew that right-wing men considered women to be mere trinkets, but dayum, that is the most blatant sexism I’ve seen in a while. Good luck getting even your own wife to vote for you now, Mittens!

5. Marine Fucking Le Pen. Last week, I wank-listed Madonna for a self-awareness/Mideast peace fail. This week, it’s the French fascist’s turn. Because being a Zionist doesn’t make you any less disgusting, when all’s said. And neither does substituting Muslims for Jews. If the swastika fits, WEAR it.

6. Timothy Fucking Dolan. At long last, shut the hell up about the “immorality” of same-sex marriage. Compared to paying off pedophile priests and sweeping their shenanigans (which were not necessarily all same-sex) under the rug, same-sex marriage is as wholesome as apple pie. (Actually, it is even without the comparison!)


7. And while we’re on the subject of covering up pedophilia and stigmatizing healthy, wholesome things, how about the Fucking Vatican? Jesus doesn’t like it when you teach people to hate themselves.

8. Vic Fucking Toews. No, Icky Vic, your Internet spying bill (C-30, for those who give a shit) will NOT help catch serial killers. What will? Cops who actually act on tips from citizens, like the animal-rights activists who had Luka Magnotta flagged LONG before he crossed over to human flesh. When cops pay attention to alert netizens, Internet espionage becomes unnecessary. Citizens are just as capable of recognizing a criminal as police are. But for police to arrest him in time, they have to learn to take civilian tips seriously, as the German police did when they nabbed Magnotta in Berlin. That is something you can’t slap down on the heads of the general public with draconian Internet spy laws, but you CAN put it into the Police Act. IF you really care about public safety, that is.

9. Donald Fucking Trump. The Miss USA pageant is fixed? Of course it is. The winner probably had to sleep with Der Donald and his comb-over to clinch it. And yeah, that’s fucking UGLY.


10. Of course, by the same token, the Donald’s accuser, Sheena Fucking Monnin, is no prize, either. Jenna Talackova, whom Monnin was slagging as part of her “moral” tirade against the “in many ways trashy” pageant, is not a “natural born male”, she is a transsexual woman. (Yes, Virginia, there IS a difference.) The male body Jenna was born with did not feel “natural” to HER. And she is probably no more unnatural (which is to say, surgically altered) than any of the other contestants…all of whom are far-from-natural beauties in one way or another. And really: What kind of “morals” do you need to have if you go to ridiculous extremes to meet the approval of an ugly, skeevy man like #9, anyway?

11. Orly Fucking Taitz. Yes, she’s still around. No, she’s still not credible in the least. And no, she hasn’t won a senate seat. And yes, that makes me rather happy.

12. Caiden Fucking Cowger. Maybe it’s not nice to pick on a 14-year-old from West-by-GAWD-Virginny for being young and kind of a ninny. But dammit, at that age, even Your Humble Scribe, a sheltered kid if ever there was one, wasn’t stupid enough to seriously believe that Teh Ghey is something you can actually CATCH. If it were, I’d be a flaming lesbian by now. And besides, this little wanker has a radio show, and he’s being heavily touted by the conservative (bowel) movement. So yeah, he’s a trained flying monkey. And he’ll probably grow up to be the next Rush Fucking Limbaugh, unless someone nips it in the bud prontissimo.


13. Bev Fucking Oda. This week, she’s a wanker not just for what she did (spend big wads of taxpayer money on excessively luxurious amenities abroad) but for what she didn’t do. Namely, explain her big spending…and APOLOGIZE, and REFUND IT IN TOTAL.

14. Rob Fucking Ford. Meanwhile, Robbo finds out that you can’t fight City Hall and expect to win, even if you’re the bullyboy mayor. And instead of taking his defeats in good grace and being accountable, who does he blame? The voters (most of whom did not vote for him, and whom he therefore does NOT represent), and the councillors (who DID receive majority support from voters, whom they DO represent). He’s looking more and more like a lame-duck dictator all the time, is Robbo.

15. Ilias Fucking Kasidiaris. Nazis are the same everywhere…they can’t seem to get ahead without violence and terrorism. Fortunately, in Greece, they don’t get very far. This one’s little foray into parliamentary putschism (he hit two women, both leftists) got him nothing but an arrest warrant.


16. Dana Fucking Loesch. How blindly stupid are the right-wing wankers? So much so that this one will support Wanker #12…without hearing a word he said. Just, you know, because he’s a fellow traveller.

17. John Fucking Bednarik. There’s not a whole lot about this voyeuristic (and literal) wanker I can say here except What. A. BOOB!

18. Rick Fucking Santorum. Damn! I was really hoping to retire his number this year, but it seems Icky Ricky has other ideas. He’s “gone rogue” and started his own Mickey Mouse Club. Membership, apparently, entails a lot of neofascist “values” and other horseshit. Alas, plastic mouse ears and goofy sing-alongs won’t be on the agenda.

19. Terry Fucking Jones. Yup, the book-burning “pastor” just wanked again. This time, in an unmistakably racist and treasonable fashion. I’m sure he’ll enjoy his little visits from the FBI and Secret Service, too.


And finally, to the little twit responsible for this incredibly silly anti-choice Tumblr. Sure, you’re all smug and moralistic now, because as much as you talk about “life”, you haven’t actually LIVED it yet. But don’t worry. One day, if you keep going the way you are now, you’re gonna find yourself pregnant yet again, with one little Quiverfull kiddie too many and God NOT providing, and you’re gonna feel checkmated yourself. And there won’t be a damn thing you can do about it, other than the very things you’re now trying to tell others not to even contemplate. And maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll still be able to meet with a pro-choice (and anti-judgmental) doctor or nurse who will be able to help you past your foolish illusions, and out of your sad predicament. But until that day comes, you’ll just be another smug, moralistic little twit who has a shitload of karma a-comin’.

Good night, and get fucked!

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