Wankers of the Week: John Lennon Memorial Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Crappy Hanukkah! And an unhappy anniversary of the death of John Lennon to all. Poor guy was sure full of wishful thinking, wasn’t he, with his “War Is Over If You Want It” schtick, eh? Or how about “Imagine”? Ah well. Even as prescient as he was, John couldn’t have foreseen how full of Teh Stoopid the world would get. Or that the following would take it over by main force:

1. and 2. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu and Stephen Fucking Harper. Aw, wooky dere. Isn’t dat cute? It’s da biggest bromance of the winter! Bibi-wibi and Stevie-peevie are licking each other’s wounds over the drubbing they took in the UN on Palestine. Don’t feel TOO sorry for them, though…Bibi is taking a pound of flesh (dripping with blood, natch, but then he was never kosher), while Stevie is now the object of Pamela Fucking Geller’s truly unqualified adoration. At this rate our widdle bromance might turn into a gruesome threesome. PS: Here’s another Harpo UN fail. AIDS in Africa. Any more questions as to whether he’s still a Reform Party racist? PPS: Welcome to the wrong side of history, you fuckers.

3. Petronella Fucking Wyatt. Isn’t it rich to see a British Tory — one of the world’s leaders in right-wing nation-bullying — whining about how she was “bullied out of Oxford for being a Tory”? When your daddy’s thick with Maggie Thatcher, and you’re a supporter of that apartheid-loving, worker-bashing régime yourself, and it’s the late ’80s (hardly a time of leftist hegemony, in other words), you literally have nothing to cry about. You’re the power elite, and you can’t take a little well-aimed criticism from your peers and dons? And now, the poor widdle Oxbridge Tories feel so oppwessed by their own well-deserved unpopularity that they want “the same equal-rights protection as gays, disabled people and ethnic minorities”? These are rich white kids who won’t even have to work hard for their positions, they just INHERIT them and put in the odd appearance, pro forma. And now they want protection. Because being the ruling class — openly racist, entitled, snobbish, fully advantaged — is totally the same thing as being queer, in a wheelchair and/or black.

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4. Scott Fucking DesJarlais. First he wanked by being “pro-life” while simultaneously pressuring a mistress into having an abortion; then by lying and saying there was no pregnancy, and now? Yep, he lied again. God does most certainly NOT forgive a pharisaical hypocrite. Look it up.

5. Hunter Fucking Moore. And speaking of liars, look who laid a steaming pile of bullshit while boozed and coked up. His parents must be so proud. PS: Ha, ha.

6. Kim Fucking Kardashian. Still famous for nothing. But now at least she can add “propping up the Bahraini royal dictatorship while drinking milkshakes” to her résumé. Oh, and killing kittens. Yay.

7. Peter Fucking Kent. Does anyone seriously believe his (and Harpo’s) excuses for breaking the Kyoto Protocol? Oh sure, he did it to get emerging markets to comply. Riiiiiight. And all this just as the TAR sands oil industry was ramping up to become the biggest fucking source of greenhouse gases and toxic waste on the planet. And on top of that: Yeah, so much job creation. It trickles down about as fast as tar from sand. This shit’s not worth it. Fuck you, Peter Fucking Kent, Minister of TRASHING the Environment.

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8. Grover Fucking Norquist. Forget the “fiscal cliff” — Mr. Drown-the-Government-in-a-Bathtub has finally gone ’round the bend. The Muppet of Bad Economics and Worse Politics has been reduced to gibbering insanity. Good job, everyone!

9. Rick Fucking Santorum. Finally, Icky Ricky Butt-Sploodge reveals his true, racist nature –he’s joined the WingNutDaily as a columnist, right alongside all the other DailyWingNuts calling for white people to “secede”. From what — HUMANITY? I guess so. This officially makes him a worshipper of the Unholy Trinity: Sexism, Racism and Homophobia.

10. Ross Fucking Douthat. Gee, dude, you say “fertility decline” like it’s a BAD thing. In actual point of fact, humankind’s fertility could do with a nice steep decline; there are way too many of us eating up the Earth’s resources as it is, and all that hot air from the likes of you is contributing majorly to global warming, too. Are you another of those goonybirds who think it’s every WHITE woman’s duty to reproduce and outcompete those pesky browns and the Yellow Peril? Sure sounds that way to me.

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11. Mike Fucking Duffy. Figures that Puffy is a piggie at the taxpayer trough, claiming living expenses even though he’s been residing in Ottawa since BEFORE Harpo made him a crony-senator. But watch him bluster about it and claim that it’s warranted. Yup, he did! IOKIYAC, I guess.

12. Micah Fucking Armstrong. Pwned by a dude in silly underwear. And an aroused girl. All campus hellfire preachers should get such a reception!

13. Chris Fucking Brown. Back on the tweeter again. That didn’t take long…unfortunately. And in answer to his tweeted question, music would sound MUCH BETTER without those two, their autotuned caterwauling, and their fucking narcissistic melodrama.

14. Bryan Fucking Fischer. God created the Earth in 6 days, 6000 years ago. And put the non-renewable fossilized remains of prehistoric life in the ground just so we could pollute the air with it and all choke to death under irreversible climate change. Ain’t faith a beautiful thing? Never once do you have to deal with pesky facts — or, for that matter, radiocarbon dating.

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15. Rick Fucking Joyner. Switzerland says you’re full of shit. As do all the gay-rights activists of the world. That ought to settle it. Now shut the fuck up.

16. Sarah Fucking Palin. She thinks name-calling is uncivil, but then goes straight on to say that Barack Obama is a “socialist”. Nice to see that she’s still a stupid twat…and no, that’s not name-calling. That’s an accurate designation.

17. Justin Fucking Trudeau. So, now the long-gun registry was a “failure”? Justin, whose party brought that legislation again, BY POPULAR DEMAND, and saved the public purse a metric fuck-tonne of money in medical treatments, prison and other gun-related expenses? Not to mention that police chiefs loved it, as it made their forces’ job so much easier? Oh, yeah. THAT party. YOUR party. Someone is looking less and less like his father’s son with every flip…and flop…and…

18. Peter Fucking Van Loan. Typical conservatard…always gotta resort to violence and bully tactics in the House of Commons. Totally typical of a member of the Proroguing Party of Harpolandia. Let me know when you guys finally decide to get civil and follow parliamentary procedure, eh?

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19. Tim Fucking Hudak. Pandering to the redneck vote? Check. And the young, gullible and impressionable first-time voter, too. What else would easy access to liquor get you? Certainly not the public good of Ontario.

20. Jared Fucking Gurman. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS! (He no haz them.)

21. Britton Fucking Delizia. Yeah, I’m sure your butt is so great, we should all get on our knees and kiss it. Instead of bragging about how hard you worked for it (and expecting us all to stop eating and throw money to fund your book celebrating it!), how about you work on your ATTITUDE, instead? (And, more to the point: Your writing style also sucks. Sit down on your hard-worked-for butt and work on THAT, if you want to publish a book.)

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22. Virginia Fucking Foxx. Somewhere between the constitution and the congressional elevator, which is only segregated during votes, the words “all men are created equal” got lost on her. And she worries about her staffers not knowing how to read???

23. John Fucking McAfee. Kiddies, this is why we don’t put drugs up our bum-bums, mmmmmmkay? Unless, of course, you WANT to be that guy with the rheumy eyes and the cadaverous face, drooling and gibbering to himself in a Central American jail about cosmic poo, or something.

24. Bill Fucking Maher. Why?

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That’s why. You know who’s actually got missiles raining down on them right now, Bill? GAZA. And way to disingenuously project Israel’s hope that the slaughter of Palestinians will go unnoticed, unremarked on, and that they will all go quietly to THEIR gas chambers. Whatever happened to NEVER AGAIN? Or is it somehow not fascism when Israel does it? And why is it not “fighting back” when Palestinians do it? And finally: Does this self-proclaimed atheist really believe in the whole Chosen People thing, after all? Wow, what a fuck-ton of logical consistency!

25. and 26. Barbara and Jonathan Kay. Oh looky, it’s a mother-and-son tag-team of anal haberdashery at the National Pest! And neither of them wants us to make sure that the nation grasps exactly what kind of crime the Montréal Massacre was, or why it should continue to be remembered as such. Well, tough titties, you two. We’re gonna go right on remembering it as an antifeminist act of terrorism and woman-hating, whether you approve or not.

27. Suzanne Fucking Venker, AGAIN. If “women aren’t women anymore”, why do we still have breasts, and menstruating uteri, and an unaccountable predilection for lipstick and the like? And, more to the point, why are we still only being paid 70 cents to a man’s dollar if we’re doing the same work equally well or better? If we’re “not women anymore”, shouldn’t we be regarded as equal to men, instead of having to go cowering back into the 1950s as this silly bitch thinks we should? And oh yeah: Suzie, why are you insulting the guys with all this cave-man stuff? They’ve evolved, you know. How about treating them as equals, too?

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28. Mark Fucking Lancaster. All “sugar daddy” prostitution-by-any-other-name websites are disgustingly disingenuous, but when they’re run by a computer nerd with a high security clearance, that’s a whole ‘nother level of slime. Add to that the fact that he was dipping into the applicant pool himself (for “assessment” purposes, ha!), and the grottiness level rises to DEFCON 5.

29. Camille Fucking Paglia. Is somebody trying to become relevant again? She never was to begin with. Because, for someone who styles herself as an expert on pop culture, she sure has a tremendous degree of ignorance about the same. Why else would she work her Randroid fingers to the bone trying to make Sarah Fucking Palin (fergawdsakes!) happen? Look, lady, most of us KNOW that Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are caricatures who occasionally break into something vaguely resembling a catchy song. We don’t need you to come along belatedly apprising us of the fact. We just would prefer to ignore them and make them go away. Like YOU. Capisce?

30. Dana Fucking Perino. Gee, I’m so glad Dubya’s former flack is here to tell us all that being abused (and killed) comes down to bad choices we made. And not, say, the guys who abuse us actually choosing to do so themselves. Whatever would we do without her? Oh yeah: WORTHWHILE THINGS. Like not listening to right-wing bimbos trying to school us on issues they know fuck-all about.

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And finally, to the fucking radio station whose stupid fucking wank call ended up costing a British nurse her dignity and her life. You call that shock-jock shit entertaining? I don’t care about Kate Middleton’s uterus or what’s in it; ALL hospital patients have a right to privacy. And if you can’t respect that, and are still trying to defend your wankery, you deserve to get your fucking broadcast licence yanked. In fact, you deserve to lose it anyway, since it’s not the only time you’ve cruelly humiliated innocent people on the air.

Good night, and get fucked!

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1 Response to Wankers of the Week: John Lennon Memorial Edition

  1. hammer smartt says:

    i’ve always suspected that bill maher was a closet liberal/establishment type. it is typical of plants to favor many good things softly and with humor and be very clear and pointed when it comes to the real agenda items.

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