Wankers of the Week: Coldest wank of the year

Crappy weekend, everyone! Cold enough for ya? Yeah, the balls actually dropped right off that brass monkey on my front door. Whatcha gonna do, it’s Canada, eh? So pull up your thermal long-johns and pour yourself a cup of something hot and nourishing (and loaded with rum!), and have a seat by the fire. We got a lot of butts to roast tonight. And in no particular order, here they come:

1. Julian Fucking Fantino. Well, well. Looks like Ontario’s former worst cop ever has had to pull his two nasty, petulant widdle partisan letters off the CIDA website. Too bad he didn’t do it before the media caught on. Now he just looks even more like an ass than ever! But will Harpo fire him? Will he step down himself? Noooooo…and that’s the REAL wank here. He’ll probably just get promoted, as usual.

2. Justin Fucking Bieber. Looks like overalls aren’t his worst wardrobe malfunction. And neither, mirabile dictu, are his stupid drop-crotch pants. No, I’d say the tackiest thing about his wardrobe, overall, is his scrawny little chicken butt hanging halfway out of it.

3. Thomas John Fucking Paprocki. Same-sex marriage is “just unacceptable”…says yet another closeted old queen in a long dress. Yawwwwwwwn.

4. Rand Fucking Paul. No, doctors are NOT government spies trying to out law-abiding gun owners. Although I do understand that in most places, they ARE required to report gunshot victims to police. Which is just common sense, since gunshot wounds are often an indicator of a crime. I also understand that Rand Fucking Paul is paranoid and should probably lose his medical licence for being such a goddamn fucking chronic pathological liar. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Ha, ha, ha! Oh, ha ha ha ha HOO ha ha!

5. Pamela Fucking Geller. Not content to spread racism and religious bigotry around like herpes, now she’s also the poster bimbo for high treason. I can hardly wait to see how ravishing she looks in those stylin’ orange prison coveralls. PS: Oh, look who’s been crowned Queen of Nothing. Congrats, I guess.

6. John Fucking Boehner. I don’t know what he said to make Michelle Obama roll her eyes like that, but having to sit next to that lachrymose, perpetually pickled Oompa-Loompa would try the patience of a saint. (Also, was his wife stealing the silver? Hope they caught her at the metal detector, because she sure looks suspicious to me.) PS: Apparently the wank that got the eye-roll was a lame joke about His Barackness’s now-abandoned ciggie habit. I bet it was hee-larious. PPS: Nice video, Boner! I see you matched your tie to your complexion, too.

7. Jim Fucking Karygiannis. Venezuela HAS true democracy, you not-so-Liberal dolt. Canada, on the other hand, has had an election stolen, and instead of doing something about THAT, you’re sitting there with your thumbs up your ass, kvetching about Venezuela at the behest of a bunch of fascist putschmongers. Do democracy a favor and shut the fuck up, eh? PS: Ha, ha!

8. Larry Fucking Klemin. Men are seldom depressed because they don’t have shit to be depressed about, duh. They make a dollar to our 70 cents, they never get preggers, they never get their hearts stomped, and they can pee standing up. They also get taken seriously as human beings even when they just don’t fucking deserve it. And in the case of this one, they don’t get depressed because they don’t have the wits to realize how very depressingly stupid they look when they forward dumb, smug-sexist e-mails around to “cheer people up”. Because they are stupid, duh.

9. Taro Fucking Aso. I will not make jokes about how his last name sounds like asshole, however tempted. No. I WILL NOT.

10. Paul Fucking Curtman. Gee, it must be SO nice to be a straight, white, Christian male. You get to deny that hate crimes exist because nobody could possibly hate on you…except maybe for being young, dumb, and chock-full of privilege denial.

11. Mitch Fucking McConnell. Paranoia: It’s all he’s got left to offer his constituents. Scrapings from the bottom of a barrel, anyone?

12. Tim Fucking Huelskamp. So, lemme see if I got this straight: Hurricane relief to people who’ve lost everyfuckingthing: BAD. Farm aid subsidies to those who probably don’t need it, like your own relatives: GOOD. Yeah, that sounds about right. Dude, if you’re not sure the hurricane relief is needed, why don’t you tour the actual disaster area and see for yourself? Or are you afraid to because it might cost your brother some unearned millions? Jesus.

13. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. Et tu, Sarko? It appears the former French president is thinking of packing up his former supermodel and moving to London to dodge those high French income tax rates for ze filthy, stinking riches. Soon, he could be England’s problem, and the fou cost of London real estate will become a pile of merde he’ll just have to deal with. Guess Russia was too cold for him? Or maybe he was just afraid of running into a drunken Gérard Depar-don’t on the streets of Sochi?

14. Glenn Fucking Beck. OMG, a rare moment of self-awareness! I can see that for Biff, I’m gonna have to rewrite Shel Silverstein’s “Freakin’ at the Freakers’ Ball” a wee bit. Not much…just replace “freak” with “wank”, and call it a day.

15. The Fucking Repugs of Virginia. While a leading black Democrat was attending the second inauguration of His Barackness, they snuck a gerrymandering bill in under the wire. Even the Republican governor was not impressed. Does he have veto power? If so, I hope he uses it. This shit stinks, y’all.

16. Ed Fucking Hartzog. What’s a dumb sexist jackass like you doing running for city council? (Try dogcatcher, you’ll get more bitches that way.)

17. Ted Fucking Nugent. Looks like that countdown clock for “dead or in jail” is starting to run down faster. Good!

18. Ken Fucking Cuccinelli. Yes, the Attorney General of Virginia has wanked again…this time for urging “civil disobedience” against the religion-trampling evils of slut-condoms and whore-pills. And he dared to appropriate Dr. Martin Luther King, who was a well known supporter of Planned Parenthood. Oh, the irony!

19. Tim Fucking Hudak. Uh oh, somebody needs to go back to school…and learn the meaning of EXTRAcurricular. You can’t force teachers to donate their spare time. But that won’t stop Mike Harris’s little Mini-Me from trying. What do you bet he plans to make a high-school drop-out his minister of education too…just like Mikey did?

20. Phil Fucking Mickelson. Dude, you play golf for a living. A very lucrative living, I might add. What’s your problem with paying higher taxes? Will it cut into your hooker money, or something? Are you living just one or two paycheques away from the street? No? Then stop being such a big fucking baby about it. And pay your taxes, already. PS: Ha, ha.

21. Tim Fucking Loughton. So, SOME gay people have told you they don’t want to be married, and this is reason enough to deny others who DO want to be married the right? Wow. That’s a real convincing argument you got there, bud. Next thing I expect to hear is that women prefer to earn less money than men, or that they don’t mind having their reproductive rights limited even more, or some such.

22. Peter Fucking Kent. The truth is a “low blow”? Trust me, it’s nothing compared to how much that sand around your ears is gonna burn when this planet gets really fucking hot thanks to your intransigence, old man.

23. James Fucking Lankford. Guns don’t kill people, welfare moms do! Only one problem with that tidy little theory: Nancy Lanza was not a welfare mom. She got a good settlement in her divorce…enough to buy a fancy house and, apparently, a gun for every room in it. And more than enough for her disturbed son to go on a murder spree.

24. Reed Fucking Hastings. Foxconn workers are killing themselves over the shitty factory conditions in China, and all but dying of exhaustion on the job. Does he care? Only enough to laugh about it. Maybe he should try actually working for a living, seeing that as a CEO he has nothing to do but putz the fuck around.

25. David Fucking Frum. Oh noes, women in combat will lower the tone of the army! Davey, my ass-kicking Norse/Saxon/Keltic ancestresses are sneering over their swords and shields at thee. Oh noes, the enemy is all rapey and could attack those poor army girls if they go into combat! Yeah, like their own all-Amurrican commanding officers aren’t doing exactly that already.

26. Tucker Fucking Carlson. And on the same side of the same issue, the Bowtie Boy has squeaked up just long enough to take a swipe at feminists…out of “concern” for women in combat. Of course. And meanwhile, what is he doing to stop wars? Or for that matter, keep guns out of the hands of rapists in the biggest combat zone of all…the United States proper? Nothing…of course.

27. Ryan Fucking Smith. Meanwhile, at the Wall Street Urinal, a former Marine thinks women should stay out of the combat zone because it would embarrass their male comrades to be seen pooping. Yes, that’s right…crapping, shitting, taking a steaming dump. Women aren’t supposed to know that men poop! One can only imagine how he must have felt every time his mom changed his diapers. And these are supposed to be the toughest guys in the whole fucking world? It is to laugh.

28. Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti. Oh noes, the Illuminati are after him. Or somebody. He doesn’t know who, exactly, but they’re AFTER him! And he’s gonna get to the bottom of it if it’s the last thing he does. Oh yeah, and he also overspent on his last election campaign by 44 percent. But that’s a trifling matter, and anyone who says it isn’t, must be one of THEM!

29. Tom Fucking Tancredo. He lost a bet, and now he has to smoke pot. I’m sure it will be a terrible sacrifice for him.

30. Jeff Fucking Flake. Yeah, I’m sure you’ll conquer Cuba with a bunch of college girls in bikinis. It’s not as if the Cubans have ever seen that much female flesh on their beaches, eh? I mean, aside from visitors from everywhere EXCEPT the US. Which is the only country that has actively blockaded Cuba. In the name of freedom and free trade, natch. BTW, who was it that got their asses whupped at the Bay of Pigs, again?

31. Cathrynn Fucking Brown. And while we’re on the subject of female flesh and freedumb, how about this lulu? She thinks that the best way to preserve “evidence” in the event of a rape is to force the victim to stay pregnant — and jail her if she has an abortion. And silly me, here I thought that the best way to preserve evidence was to get the victim into hospital quickly, do a rape kit, and give her the morning-after pill so she doesn’t even have to GET pregnant! And oh yeah, fetal DNA is still obtainable even in the event of an abortion, so the “evidence” excuse doesn’t pass even the most basic of sniff tests. But yeah, let’s punish crime victims for what someone else did to them. That makes SO much sense!

PS: Ha, ha! Nice try, but still no dice. It’s not rapists who go for abortions. It’s the VICTIMS. And they come to that decision on their own because they don’t want to be pregnant by a criminal, duh.

32. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. If it’s fiscal accountability you’re so concerned about, Senator Sac-de-Douche, perhaps you might want to start criticizing your SupposiTory cronies for their obvious shortcomings in that department, which far outstrip anything that goes on in any First Nations reserve. Meanwhile, I agree with whoever was tweeting from Chief Spence’s account; you ARE an asshole.

33. Bill Fucking Kristol. Yet another fool who thinks women can’t fight and shouldn’t be allowed to. Tell it to Israel, Bill. Tell it to Israel.

34. Rob Fucking Ford. Still mayor of Toronto, by some weird and malign coincidence. And still wanking, which is no coincidence at all.

35. Stephen Fucking Harper. And while we’re on the subject of tin-pot dictators and wannabe kings up here, look who just packed the Senate a wee bit tighter. Aren’t they running out of chairs for Harpo’s cronies yet? At this rate, the Upper Chamber is gonna collapse under the weight of all those overfed rump roasts.

36. Kirill Fucking Bartashevitch. If your daughter’s grades (B instead of A, oh NOES!) are not to your liking, you sit her down and have a good long talk and figure out how to help her do better. You do NOT, under any circumstances, point a motherfucking assault rifle at her OR her mother. (And you don’t go buying assault weapons like they’re going out of style, either.)

37. and 38. Kevin Fucking Swanson and Dave Fucking Buehner. Newsflash: Sarah Fucking Palin is NOT a real feminist, she just used to play one on TV (very unconvincingly, I might add). And real feminists are NOT “selfish, narcissistic, family-destroying whores”. If female autonomy scares and threatens you guys so much, maybe it’s because you are sexually unappealing wankers with a control-freak streak. And under those circumstances, it’s little wonder that bright, independent women don’t want to settle for “attractive-deficient” guys like you.

39. Andy Fucking Driscoll. If by now you don’t know that the Onion is a satire site, you are beyond help. That is all.

40. Rives Fucking Miller Fucking Grogan. Why the double Fucking? Because Mr. Family Values here has a wife and three kids in California, and he’s shamefully neglecting them to go drinking and climbing trees in Washington, DC. In the name of promoting Family Values, no doubt. Why else the touching concern for “unborn children” who are not even his? (Special wanker points to his mom for raising him with a poor sense of priorities.)

41. Don Fucking Benton. Oh look, another wanker trying to sneak-criminalize all abortion without really thinking it through. This one in Washington state, rather than Aryanfuckingzona. Put on yer dunce cap and get into the corner with #31, asshole. And no talking, you hear?

42. Jamie Fucking Cavanough. Aaaaand in the land Down Under, somebody thinks halal meat is just not kosher for Australia Day. Curses! Yet another dastardly crypto-Islamofascist takeover scheme, foiled! And by such impeccable logic, too. May an emu kick yer dunny down, mate.

43. Larry Fucking Ward. Oh look, a white gun nut is trying to pretend he’s not really racist…by co-opting a movie about a black guy made by another tone-deaf white guy. Cute!

44. The Fucking Globe & Mail. Once again, the Grope & Flail reveals just how full of dopes and fail it is…by running a loopy rant against a couple of computer nerds who are NOT criminals, and utterly forgetting the plagiarism of their own Margaret Fucking Wente, who remains, inexplicably, on the masthead.

45. Joanna Fucking Lumley. Absolutely NOT fabulous! I can’t believe I have to tell you this, Dame Joanna, but booze does not make rape happen. And neither do miniskirts and high heels. Booze makes drunk happen. Minis and heels make fashion disasters happen. RAPISTS make rape happen. See how that works?

46. Sarah Fucking Palin. Awww, I guess her novelty value has finally worn off. GOOD.

47. Stacey Fucking Campfield. How the hell is removal of welfare assistance (that’s FOOD, you idiot!) supposed to help an impoverished kid with bad grades? How is it supposed to get that kid’s family back on their feet when there’s no ground underneath them? I don’t know, but I’m sure Mr. Wizard here does. After all, lack of oxygen to the brain sure made a genius out of him.

48. James Fucking Taylor. No, not the singer. This one’s a crazy-ass fundie preacher-man in Oklahoma, and he’s trying to school us all on what parts of Leviticus we can pick and choose. Unfortunately, he forgot all about the shellfish. And the rabbit. And the linsey-woolsey. And the shaving. And…well, you get the picture. But if you go on the air to shoot the holy shit with Peter LaFucking Barbera, you’ve committed one of the most grievous abominations of all: bearing false witness. Ten Commandments, asswipe…look it up!

49. and 50. Gary Fucking Chism and Jeff Fucking Smith. Nice try, guys, but remember what happened the LAST time Mississippi tried to secede from the Union? Yeah…you really don’t wanna go there again. And if you do, you’re even more fucking nuts than I thought.

And finally, to the Fucking Constitutional Sheriffs and Peace Officers Association. How’s that for a crunchy mouthful? These hicks from the wilds of Redneckistan all consider themselves constitutional scholars all of a sudden. Why? Because a black guy is sitting in the Oval Office, that’s why. They’ve taken it upon themselves to put that boyyyyy in his place. And by refusing to enforce gun laws (in stark contrast to their police chief counterparts up here, who appreciate the long-gun registry and are not happy to see it go), they think they’re upholding the supreme law of the land. No. No, they’re not. They’re just tin-pot petty dictators committing treason, and not one of them is even qualified to run for dogcatcher in the next election.

Good night, and get fucked!