Wankers of the Week: Margaret Fucking Thatcher Memorial Edition

Crappy weekend, everyone! Yup, I’m still “mourning” the “loss” of Maggie Fucking Thatcher. Just like I’m “mourning” her pedophile pal, Jimmy Fucking Savile, in the picture above. Which is to say I’m still only sorry it didn’t happen sooner. A LOT sooner. It would have saved so much anger, indignation and mourning in other quarters. And you know who else I won’t be mourning, because they will be no loss either? These people, in no particular order…

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. How singularly appropriate that she compares herself to the so-called Iron Lady. Both are politically dead and have been for some time. And there’s not much going on with either one’s grey matter anymore, either. PS: Remember when Maggie didn’t want to see her? Good times. PPS: And hey! Here’s something they actually do have in common. They both don’t need no education!

2. Allen Fucking Vigneron. Careful there, Archbishop. If you tell all the Catholics who support same-sex marriage to excommunicate themselves, you might just end up staring at an empty church, wondering where everybody went!

3. Tom Fucking Matlack. Oh, you poor projecting baby. All those evil feminists criticizing you for being such a Nice Guy™. And for the way you pat them on the head and tell them to stop fighting for women’s rights and making a “zero-sum” game out of equality! How dare they decide for themselves what feminism is, without your MRA-lite input? Bitches!

4. F. W. Fucking De Klerk. Maggie Thatcher was a “steadfast critic of apartheid”? When? Where? All I remember is how she used to slam Nelson Mandela for being a leftist, and how much she supported South Africa at a time when popular opinion was turning against it, on account of apartheid.

5. Star Fucking Parker. Slave plantations were run by liberal Democrats? Ooooohahahahahaha. That’s a good one. Almost as good as #4.

6. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. Once again, must resist the temptation to sing “His name is my name too, tra-la-la”. And once again, ugh, the projections of his own sick sexual fantasies. I’ve never seen a same-sex marriage consisting of “three women and a dog”. Only ones consisting, boringly, of two men or two women. As for “recruiting”: If these military-style “recruiters” exist, I’ve never met one. Very poor organizing on the part of the Evil Homo-Sex-You-All Agenda!

7. Daniel Fucking Foster. Behold, the soooooper-genius that inhabits the National Revisionist. Maggie Fucking Thatcher was a “feminist” all of a sudden! Uh, no. Try a bat-shit old misogynist in a skirt, Dan.

8. Mark Fucking Levin. Look who’s calling for a Night of the Long Knives! And conservatives wonder why we think they’re all Nazis? Well, maybe we’d stop thinking it if they stopped acting it.

9. Ileana Fucking Ros-Lehtinen. What a drag it is getting old, eh? Not just her, but her Cold War absolutist ideology. Enough, already! If people from the US want to travel to Cuba without a “cultural exchange” excuse, let them! The embargo hasn’t worked, and it’s not ever going to. Cuba will stay Cuba (as opposed to a bigger, more lucrative Puerto Rico). And as much as it burns Ileana’s ass, it’s just fine with the rest of the world. Which is, by the way, quite welcome on the island. Ask any Canadian who’s been there.

10. Vladimir Fucking Putin. Look who’s bought into the whole crypto-racist “European demographic crisis” panic! Yup, it’s Pooty-Poot. And he seriously thinks the answer is to simply make it illegal to be gay. Or even to just talk about it. Maggie Fucking Thatcher tried that, Pooty. It didn’t work.

11. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. For a man who’s been through three failed marriages (and is working on #4), never produced an offspring, and who is widely suspected of pedophilia, the Pigman sure seems to have taken a concern-trolly interest in kiddies all of a sudden. And given the way he’s projecting it all onto Melissa Harris-Perry, that can only mean one thing: Parents, lock up your kids! Rush is AFTER them!

12. Mitch Fucking McConnell. He must be really scared of Ashley Judd, because why else were his flunkies plotting to trash her? Well, now at least the Bitch doesn’t have to worry about her anymore, because she’s not running. Her own chickenshit party saw to that. Good job, you guys! PS: Ha, ha. The Bitch really is a whiny one, ain’t he? PPS: Ha, ha, ha. Karma’s an even bigger bitch.

13. William Fucking Blakely. Life in Tennessee must be really fucking boring if you have to get your jollies by honking your horn at women on the street while driving 90 miles per hour…and WANKING, all at the same time.

14. Liz Fucking Cheney. So, I hear you want to become a senator. Can’t you take a hint from your old man’s resounding unpopularity? No, of course you can’t. You’re a Cheney. You’re totally deaf to everything but the roar of your massive, overblown fucking ego.

15. Patriarch Fucking Kirill. Yes, that’s right, Pooty-Poot’s Numero Uno Amigo and Bestest Fwiend 4Evarrrrrr is a wanker, too…for being predictably, essentialistically, and oppressively fucking sexist. An old man who supposedly took a vow of poverty but wears a gold watch, presuming to tell women what to do with their bodies. Not for nothing did Karl Marx say religion was the opiate of the masses. NOW do you know why Pussy Riot revolted against both of these bastards? I’m actually on the verge of wishing Russia were communist again. Thanks a fuckload, you guys.

16. John Fucking Lydon. And on the other side of the ledger, there’s Johnny Fucking Rotten, who, interestingly, suffers from the exact same problem as Pooty-Poot and his sidekick Kirill the Kleptocrat. Yes, that’s right, more sexism. Maybe Pussy Riot should protest him, too. What kind of punk-rock spirit is this “woman, know thy place” shit, anyway? Are all three of them impotent, and is THAT the problem? PS: No, seriously, Johnny: FUCK YOU.

17. Stephen Fucking Harper. Don’t adjust your TV sets, folks. It’s only Harpo, trying again, and in vain, to paint everything in Canada SupposiTory blue. Wonder how much his Photoshop disaster is costing us taxpayers this time.

18. Brad Fucking Paisley. Dude, trust me…there is NOTHING accidental about your racism. It is bred in the bone, and the product of your good ol’ cracker upbringing. That is all.

19. Ted Fucking Nugent. Another day, another racist death threat, another promise the Noodge hasn’t met. Another song, another dance, another skidmark in his pants. Yawwwwn. Sing a new song, already!

20. Michelle Fucking Presnell. She wants to stop Muslim prayers in the name of “religious freedom”. BTW, this was in North Carolina…yes, the state where her fellow Repugs are trying to create a state religion, in direct contravention of the separation of church and state. Yo, Michelle? Look up IRONY. No, not in your bible. Use a dictionary, dumbass.

21. Ben Fucking Carson. Yeah, cancelling your talk would be a VERY good idea. Especially if all you can do during it is mouth platitudes about “traditional marriage”, not realizing that marriage has already been redefined several times throughout the centuries.

22. Kevin Fucking Purfield. There may be a special place in hell for people who harass the families of shooting victims, but here on Earth there’s another place, one that will do just fine for you. It’s called JAIL.

23. Gladys Fucking Zimmerman. Funny, lady, but you and I have very different notions of what it means for a justice system to fail. I thought it failed when the guy who killed Trayvon Martin wasn’t arrested, simply because Trayvon was black and his killer was only “standing his ground” in a pre-emptive attack, preceded by the immortal words, “fucking coon”. You…seem to think your son is innocent, despite a preponderance of evidence suggesting otherwise. And as much as you’d like to believe that’s a “media myth”, there’s a dead kid in his grave, and he ain’t no myth.

24. Donnell Fucking Baines. Dude, you seem to have problems understanding the concept of free will. Women don’t come back to a pimp because they WANT to; they come back because they know the motherfucker is gonna hunt them down and kill them if they don’t. Nobody wants to be a pimp’s slave. But hey! Now you’ve got 62 years to think that one over. And if there’s any justice in the world, some big ugly dude named Bubba is gonna make you into what you made those girls.

25. Pat Fucking Robertson. Shorter: We can’t have peace and a two-state solution in the Middle East. God wants WAR WAR WAR! Yes, Patwa, and Cthulhu wants YOU YOU YOU!

26. Rick Fucking Santorum. Not only is he a whiny little bully and a shit-stain on your sheets, he’s also an $18,000 WANKER. PS: And a liar.

27. Ann Fucking Coulter. What does it take to get the Coultergeist off of FUX Snooze? A death threat, framed as a lame “joke”, against Meghan McCain. Yes, that’s right, she’s talking elimination now. Can we just eliminate her from the public eye altogether, PLEASE?

28. Shawn Fucking Akers. Can you make hide or hair of his paranoid word soup? Drop me a line in the comments slot if you can.

29. Glenn Fucking Beck. Speaking of paranoid word soup: Glenn Fucking Beck, ladies and gentlemen. He’s still alive, and speaking from an underground bunker. And bawling his eyes out because his personal physician isn’t coming fast enough with the “vitamin” shots.

30. Rand Fucking Paul. Yeah, who needs civil rights, anyway? Oh, only the black college kids you’re trying to convince otherwise. You, a privileged white boy who’s never had to fight for a thing in his life because it all gets handed to you by default. What would you know? Everything, you think? Dude. You know nothing. NOTHING. Now go home and let that sink in.

31. Alan Fucking Keyes. Actually, you do have a right to pick your nose and eat boogers, although whether you’d do so in public is another story. Oh wait…by reaching for stupid analogies to justify institutional homophobia, you’ve already done just that…BOOGER EATER.

32. Benjamin Fucking Curell. You know you’re impotent when you take an axe to an empty abortion clinic, to make those wicked baby-killing jezebels FEAR YOUR MIGHTY MIGHTY MANHOOD. And God. Yeah.

33 and 34. Dave Fucking Agema and Tony Fucking Perkins. Schools make kids gay? Mary, PLEASE. Guys, when are you two gonna get a room and get naked and awkward together? Come on…you know you wanna!

35. Pamela Fucking Geller. Finally, word is getting out. This harpy is persona non grata in synagogues, since all she ever does is talk idiotic smack about Muslims, and clearly knows nothing about their religion — or even her alleged own, for that matter. The only news that could please me more is to hear that she’s gone broke and her server is permanently down.

36. Pam Fucking Stenzel. Wow, professional slut-shamers actually exist! And some of them are female! Hey, Pam? I can look into people’s eyes and tell things about them, too…and what I see in yours is that you’re a motherfucking LUNATIC.

37. Stacey Fucking Campfield. “Using children as props is shameful,” says the idiot who thinks nothing of using children as dartboards for his punitive “welfare” policies. Fortunately, the eight-year-old “prop” in this instance totally pwned him.

38. Lisa Fucking Biron. Well, now we all know what “family values” really means. It means making lesbian porn with one’s own underage daughter. Hey, gotta keep it all in the family, right? Otherwise, the Homo-Sex-You-All Agenda WINS!

39. Bill Fucking Donohue. And sticking with Family Values, we finally also know what the real purpose of marriage is. It’s PROCREATION! Not love, not happiness, not publicly recognizing a union, none of that mooshy-gooshy stuff. Nope…it’s just all about churning out the kids. Soullessly, mindlessly and lovelessly, of course.

40. Carol Fucking Thatcher. Oh “golliwog”, oh golly gee. The apple doesn’t fall far from the racist tree, I see.

41. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Being as well acquainted with the Gay Agenda™ as I am, which is to say, about as well as a straight person CAN be, I can honestly say that I haven’t heard any of my gay friends discussing a fiendish plot to make Christians wear yellow stars. Or crosses. Or triangles. Or anything else, for that matter. About all they have been discussing is making it safe and legal to be gay, and legal to marry one’s gay partner, and illegal to beat gay people up on the street, or in a bar, or wherever. Some fucking Holocaust THAT turns out to be!

42. Willie Fucking Colón. Ruben Blades wouldn’t be caught walking down to the corner with him. Neither would anyone in Puerto Rico. This is what you get for insulting the president of Venezuela. Sucks to be you, Willie!

43. Steve Fucking Stockman. “If babies had guns, they wouldn’t be aborted”? Guh. That makes a shitload of sense, considering that babies are only babies once born. And who is stupid enough to give a child a gun? Whenever the Revolution comes to the United States of Amnesia, the first to face the firing squad should be the politicians whose entire philosophies fit on stupid fucking bumper stickers.

44. Steven Fucking Crowder. And speaking of bumper-sticker sloganeering by tweeting twats, how about FUX Snooze’s own Mr. UnFunny? Yeah, asshole, sorry to shock you, but your constitution actually doesn’t guarantee the right to own a gun, unless you’re part of a well-regulated militia. So, unless you’ve joined the military, you’re shit outta luck, stupid fuck. On the other hand, it does indeed guarantee the right to healthcare…”promote the general welfare” mean anything to you? Read the Preamble, and STFU about the Second Fucking Amendment, already.

45. Dana Fucking Perino. As a counterpoint to all the people out there telling Dubya’s former spokestwit NOT to quit her day job, I’m going to say: Yes, Dana, please do quit your day job. But not to become a rapper. I want you to just go…the fuck…AWAY. Oak hay?

46. Joe Fucking Arpaio. No, Sheriff, that documentary didn’t set out to make you look racist. You do that just by being yourself.

47. Jean-Denis Fucking Rouillon. Bras are evil and will make your boobs sag! So don’t wear one…unless you’re no longer young, small or perky enough to go braless. In which case, you should wear that saggy-making industrial-strength armor-plated underwire, you gross vache. (Seriously, what is this guy, a jiggle freak? Mais oui.)

48. Kathleen Fucking Parker. If you can’t control your guns, you shouldn’t be allowed to own one. That’s how gun control actually works, believe it or not. Also: Nancy Lanza taught her mentally ill son how to “responsibly” use guns? Yeah. So responsibly, he stole several of hers, killed her with one, then shot up an entire fucking school. This much stoopid all in one heap can’t be healthy, and shouldn’t be legal either.

49. Andrew Fucking Wakefield. Yes, that’s right…the “doctor” who was disgraced for his claim that measles vaccine causes autism. This time, he’s wanking about how it’s the public health authorities, and not his bogus theories, that are to blame for measles outbreaks resulting from panicky parents refusing to vaccinate their kids just because of some pseudo-scientific crap they got off the Internet. Which leads us right back to Andrew Fucking Wakefield. He couldn’t be more responsible for the outbreak if he’d injected the kids with measles virus himself.

50. Boris Fucking Johnson. Hark! The Perambulating Haystack Otherwise Known as the Lord Mayor of London hath spoken. And lo! What came out was a complete and utter (and boringly predictable) wank. A statue to Iron Tits in Trafalgar Square? Yeah, that’ll go over well. And by “go over well”, I mean it will be covered in graffiti and rotten produce in no time.

And finally, to “Eperez”, at 114.163.130.198. This troll thought to give me a lecture about how falling-to-shit awful things are in Venezuela after 14 years of Chavecito. And even had the temerity to tell me to stay there for a year to find out what horrors s/he had had to live through, boo-hoo. Dude or dudette, I’d feel a lot more chastened if (a) you had written it in Spanish, so I knew you could at least speak the language (I can understand it, you know — I translated the news item you pooped on!), and (b) you weren’t writing it from Sendai, Miyagi Prefecture…JAPAN. But hey, thanks for the feedback, anyway. You’ve shown me a couple of very interesting things: (a) how desperate and shameless you silly escualidos really are, to be scolding me from so far outside of Venezuela; (b) how stupid you think we North Americans are (you might have a point there, if you were talking to one who believed everything our lovely anglo crapaganda mills told us); and (c) HELLO, THIS IS WHY YOUR CANDIDATES KEEP LOSING ELECTIONS. Nobody is dumb enough to vote for such transparent liars…except another fucking escualido!

Good night, and get fucked!