Wankers of the Week: Ebola on a Plane!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians. And a crappy Indigenous People’s Day, too. Not flying? Good, because the last thing you want is to be stuck in a plane with someone with Ebola fever. Or even some cranky jokester who only claims he has it. (Dude is lucky that no air marshals shot him, if you ask me.) And here are some other people that I wouldn’t want to be on a plane with:

1. Brian Fucking Hamilton. When you pull someone over during a traffic stop, you’re supposed to be policing their driving, not their religion. And you’re supposed to read them their rights, not wave church pamphlets under their noses. If you can’t do the job you were hired to do, then lose the badge and let someone else do it.

2. Jordan Fucking Owen. Everything’s a conspiracy, even totally normal English language constructions! They’re hipmatism! HIPMATISM, I tellz ya! Dude, why can’t you just admit that you got nothin’ on Anita Sarkeesian, and cut your damn losses already? It would cost you a buttload less effort than you’re currently expending on trying (and failing) to prove that she’s some kind of sinister manipulator.

3. Davis Fucking Aurini. Meanwhile, #2’s partner in conspiracy kookery has decided that all women are truly bitches. Fickle, flitting bitches. Who clearly don’t recognize a good thing when they see it. Except that we totally do, and we just don’t see it in HIM, because he fairly exudes slimy douchitude. And that sort of thing just makes us all want to flit the hell away.

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4. Satya Fucking Nadella. Women in tech, listen to your guru: Lean out! Don’t ask for raises. Don’t ask for any kind of recognition of your talents and contributions at all. Go home, go back to your kitchen, and make somebody a sandwich. And if it’s this guy, don’t forget to take your chocolate Ex-Lax and be sure to spread the resulting “Nutella” carefully on the bread. PS: Or you could just sign this.

5. Hank Fucking Greenberg. Basically, what Jon Stewart said. Fuck you, and fuck the $184 billion bailout you rode in on.

6. John Fucking Hembling. Oh, oh. What have we here? A drama llama pooping on the living room carpet? Infighting at A Voice For Mangry Morons? Sure smells like it. And suddenly, just like that, John the Bother is out of the He-Man Woman Haters’ Club treehouse. Ha, ha.

7. Chaim Fucking Weiss. If you wonder why nobody likes Israel anymore, just look at what kind of supporters they have. This one decided to disrupt midnight prayers at the local mosque with loud music. In the name of Israel, of course. And now he’s a convicted crook. Shabbat Shalom, you little shit.

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8. James Fucking Wiedmann. Yup, it’s been a banner week for pickup assholes, as evidenced by the oh-so-witty dude who calls himself, laughably, “Heartiste” (FARTiste, more like it). His latest conversational gambit? When rejected by a woman, insult her in true seventh-grade fashion and feign elaborate disinterest. And, bonus: When mocked by your male betters, call them panty-sniffers. In short, project like mad. Because really, what IS a PUA if not a constant (and usually futile) seeker of ladies’ underwear as trophies?

9. Eron Fucking Gjoni. Hey! Remember that dude who sicked the howling hellhounds of 4chan on his ex-girlfriend for having the temerity to dump his ass? Well, he’s still at it. And he’s still bitter. And still not shutting up about it. He’s even gotten a bunch of his idiot supporters to crowdfund his legal fees. (Or tried to; it got taken down.) And now she’s taken out a restraining order against him, one that includes a gag clause. But is he shutting up, like any sensible person ought to? Well, in a one-word tweet, straight from the horse’s ass: “Nah”. If that’s not proof of an orchestrated harassment campaign, I don’t know what is.

10. Morgan Fucking Brittany. Hey! Remember whatsername from that old nighttime soap, Dallas? No? Thought not. Well, you’ll be happy to know that she’s still just as irrelevant as ever, and is now a right-wing dreck-scribbler. But I repeat myself.

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11. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Yes, Hucky Fudd, please do take your ball and go home. It’s not as though you’re still relevant anyhow. Not even in the Repugnican party, which is, God knows, totally irrelevant as it is.

12. Doug Fucking Ford. Here’s a pro tip, Dougie (not that you’d ever take it, but hey): When tempted to generalize about other people, of whatever religion, color or ethnicity, DON’T. Just DON’T. (And don’t try to make it out to be “respect”, either.)

13. Paul Fucking Callan. If you think that police brutality in the US doesn’t have a racist component, you have to be living under a pretty large rock. Or a pretty damn large plastic bubble. Do yourself a favor and come out from under. Admitting the nature of the problem is the first step toward actually addressing it.

14. Rob Fucking Ford. Yup, the RoFoDoFoShitShow is still on, and Tweedledee is not Frod Nation’s only wanker this week. Even though largely out of commission, Robbo has still managed to pull off a conflict of interest. One devoutly wishes these guys would go back to the business sector, where they clearly belong, and leave governing to those who can actually do the damn job, already.

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15. Mitt Fucking Romney. It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Mittens, but I’m sure you’re glad to know that HE is still wanking, too. And that he actually commited voter fraud — you know, that same thing the Repugs have been oh-so-concerned about since, oh, at least the Great Florida Election Theft of 2000?

16. The Fucking Koch Brothers. Might as well treat them as a single unit, since that’s how they act, eh? And this week, they had the temerity to try to dictate how members of the media — specifically, Rachel Maddow, who doesn’t take marching orders from anyone — are to report on their (mis)deeds. And yes, it went about as well as you’d expect it to. Which is to say, NOT AT ALL. Ha, ha.

17. Bill Fucking Maher. Kudos to Ben Affleck for handing him his ass over his (and his guests’) Islamophobia. And oh yeah, Bill? You’re also full of shit about the “dictating what you can write or draw” bit. I’ve known this for at least eight years. When are YOU gonna learn?

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18. Scott Fucking Walker. Yes, it’s been a while since I last listed Little Scotty Wanker. But since he decided to oblige me this week by insisting that you can live on $7.25 an hour, I figured that the very least I could do is oblige him right back.

19. Stephen Fucking Collins. He’s not a wholesome family-man type; he just plays one on TV. Correction: PLAYED. And now that image is forever a thing of the past, because it turns out this wholesome family-man type is, in fact, Chester the Child Molester.

20. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Holy fucking shit, is she ever racist. And delusional. And seriously, desperately in need of a good retirement.

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And finally, to the Fucking Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Apparently, branding everything pink “for the cure” is so much more important than, you know, actually FINDING the cure. Or, for that matter, preventing breast cancer, which is very preventable. And one surefire means of prevention? NOT DRINKING WATER CONTAMINATED WITH FRACKING CHEMICALS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Yes, that’s right: Komen is teaming up with water-polluting, cancer-causing frackers. “For the cure”. With drill bits covered in pink paint, which also isn’t good for the environment, or breast tissue. How the hell that is supposed to help get us any nearer a cure, I do not know. But it sure puts everyone a whole lot closer to getting cancer themselves. As I so often say: Fracking isn’t a euphemism; it’s an obscenity.

Good night, and get fucked!

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